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Dating separated man with kids


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Old 15th April 2019, 4:16 PM   #1
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Dating separated man with kids

Iíve been in turmoil in my relationship for awhile and I need to make majors decisions soon. Iíll make this long story short with key points.

I am a 30 year old attractive woman, childless and never been married - I live in New York City, Work an average 9-5 desk job (Iím working to further my career atm), I have no debt, I am looking to find the one and build a life together such as marriage, buying a home, travelling and maybe a kid in the late future. I am not naturally a motherly person, and I am just neutral to kids.

Him: He is an attractive 40 year old man, heís highly intelligent business man with his own company. He has 3 young kids under 10, separated for 2 years (divorcing soon) theyíve been married for 15 years from a young age. His ex moved on with her life and they are amicable to Florida with her new bf and took all the kids with her as she wanted them to grow up in that part of the city. So heís been kinda grieving and depressed over that initially in our relationship and throughout as well.

The relationship: We been dating for almost a year now, I get 100 percent all his time since his family moved. Itís been Loving, supportive, chemistry, passion, sexual compatibility, personalities, committed, attraction, fun, humour - seems like we have most of the fundamentals.

Issues: though our relationship embodies the fundamentals, there are bigger and deeper issues at hand as we are both on two different stages in our lives that we are trying to work through. Initially, these were deal breakers and red flags a person with this much baggage, but I chose to ignore them as I was highly attracted to him and wanted a bit of fun and I really didnít think he would fall for me. That didnt go accordingly as planned and we naturally spent everyday together and happened to get along so well, everything was aligned-I guess you cannot control who you really fall for. Now things are becoming reality, I stood by him through the darkest lowest days especially in such an early stage - I found myself compassionate but conflicting as well to my own needs and wants, things are complex and complicated.

He has a lot of responsibilities such as paying for spousal and child support, his lifestyle here and debt. I find myself also compromising and sacrificing holidays and summer holidays as he needs to fly to Florida for his family- and I wonder if this is going to be the future. He told me that he doesnít want anymore kids.. Though I have mixed feelings of having a kid and unsure, I felt that opportunity would be robbed from me. As he is successful, and from his ex taking so much from him financially, he also said he would maybe possibly remarry or be open to that some day...All of this is unsettling to hear, no woman would be delighted to hear this, so it doesnít sit well. I wanted to build a future with him. We chat about our future and he reassures me that his situation will get better, once he makes more $ and we have to plan. Also, I come from a very traditional family, I am korean, so my family will never ever accept this.

I know the answers seem really clear, but its very hard to just walk away when im emotionally invested. . Is this love not worth it, no matter how great it is? I feel depressed for being old and that the dating market is limiting, I have a lot of options as I am attractive but I ended up choosing him out of everyone. Can this be worked on... or will this get worse and I will have built up resentment ?
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Old 15th April 2019, 4:45 PM   #2
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This does not seem like a good situation long term for you especially if end up deciding that you want a family of your own. If you are ok with being a step
mother then you should be ok. It seems like he is at least up front with you which is always a plus.
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Old 15th April 2019, 4:53 PM   #3
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The thing that doesn't seem to trouble you is what troubles me the most. What kind of man doesn't care if his wife takes the kids and moves a couple thousand miles away? What kind of father is that? You do realize it was within his power to stop her by going to the court. Each state has allowances for how far away you can more the kids from the ex, and that amount is usually no more than 90 minutes away, or within quick driving distance. So he just LET her take his kids when he could have and most men would have shared custody of the children and stayed in the same area. He could very well decide to move to Florida at some point if he is any kind of father at all. His kids are still young. They need their dad!

So he wouldn't be my first choice to have kids with to begin with. And he's not divorced yet. That will always be a pain to go through with a man.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:35 PM   #4
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Since when is 30 old?

Dating someone with little ones isn't for the weak! You probably have it very easy compared to most since they are several hundred miles away, but if you want to always be someone's 100% priority, a single dad isn't your ideal mate.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:37 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
The thing that doesn't seem to trouble you is what troubles me the most. What kind of man doesn't care if his wife takes the kids and moves a couple thousand miles away?
I thought the same thing. Maybe he has a private plane.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:42 PM   #6
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Maybe, he didn't have much of a choice (for them to move).
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:03 PM   #7
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Run, donít walk.

You can do better than this
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:08 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by oceanblue12 View Post
Maybe, he didn't have much of a choice (for them to move).
He could have stopped the wife from doing this.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:21 PM   #9
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you want to be mother to three young kids who belong to another woman? looks like the guy you're dating is looking for a sucker to help raise those three offspring of his
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:32 PM   #10
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End it. Itís not a good match AND your family wonít approve.

That way you can find a man who doesnít have so much baggage!

The fact that he isnít with his very young kids at least every week is a BIG red flag!

He should move there! Hesan absent Dad! Thatís terrible for any child!

Your future plans and his are not at all aligned. Just end it!
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:32 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
you want to be mother to three young kids who belong to another woman? looks like the guy you're dating is looking for a sucker to help raise those three offspring of his
HELP raise? He isn't even raising them at all. He lives several states away.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:38 PM   #12
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Maybe, he didn't have much of a choice (for them to move).
Not true. Every state has rules about that. You are not allowed to move the kids away from the ex. It has to be within a certain short distance. So she had his permission. He gave up his kids.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:43 PM   #13
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I don't know that saying "he gave up his kids" is the right terminology. He didn't sign over his rights. He just probably gave his permission for them to move so far away. I know two men who have done this. One was a remarriage/military situation, and the other....not really sure other than the dad/husband had an affair travels all around the world extensively for his job, so he may have realized it was best for the kids (and he probably has a ton of FF miles to go see them).
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:48 PM   #14
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30 is not anywhere near old, you already know you have other choices as far as men go.

If you have issues with his situation now, they will only intensify as you get more and more involved.

You have almost one year of emotional involvement - ending it will only get harder as time goes on.

It seems your choice is clear - difficult, but clear.
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:24 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Not true. Every state has rules about that. You are not allowed to move the kids away from the ex. It has to be within a certain short distance. So she had his permission. He gave up his kids.
And what kind of parent does that?


Why did he say they divorced?
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