I want to meet my boyfriend's female friend

[sweetpeaelle]

My boyfriend, whom I've been dating for nearly a year, has a female friend who is visiting our city in the summer. He and his friend were quite interested in each other when they initially met, but ultimately he decided against pursuing a long distance relationship with her. They met on a cultural trip, where they had spent a little more than a week together. They agreed to maintain a friendship, and they remain in relatively regular contact to this day. My boyfriend and I met about a month after he had met her, and we began dating exclusively not long after that. According to him, she expressed quite a bit of hurt at the news that he had moved on so quickly.

 

His friend will be in our city for a weekend, and he plans on showing her around. I expressed interest in meeting his friend sometime over that weekend, and he said that while he has no problem with us meeting, he has a feeling that she will decline my request. He said that he would ask and do his best to emphasize to her my genuine desire to meet, but not to be offended if she says no.

 

I trust my boyfriend, and he's been very transparent with me about what their friendship dynamic is like, the things they talk about, and what goes on in her life. I do not feel as if he is hiding her from me. He's told me that he's made the boundaries of their friendship clear to her, and really just considers her a good friend. I prodded a bit further at a recent conversation about her, and he said something that made me pause for thought - "I always thought that she was fine with everything after the summer. But recently after talking to her, I realized that she's really only now starting to show signs of moving on." I'm not sure why, but the revelation that he came to made me uneasy. I was already rubbed the wrong way when he told me that it's likely that she won't agree to meet me. I'm obviously not expecting her to want to become best friends with me or to fan girl over my relationship, but as she's a good friend of his, I want to get to know her. I know that I'm speaking out of a place of power/privilege in this situation. For lack of better terms, I got what she wanted.

 

I know these things come with time and I respect wherever she's at in her healing process. But should I take a 'no' to meeting me as something worrisome? And given the situation, am I asking for too much in wanting to meet her? If this was a situation with your significant other, what would you be expecting from them?

[FMW]

Sorry to stir the pot, but I would be more concerned about him maintaining a relationship with someone he only decided NOT to pursue romantically because of distance. He clearly knows her feelings for him aren't just friendly.

 

I'm not sure what I would do in the situation, if I would have asked to meet her or not. But I think I would feel like he was having his ego stroked by maintaining contact with her while clearly knowing she has feelings for him. And I wouldn't like that he would do that.

[clia]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all for wanting to meet her. I would expect that in normal circumstances if he were spending the weekend hanging out with her and showing her around that you would accompany him on some of those outings, depending on your own schedule.

 

She doesn't want to meet you because she is still in denial about you and wants to maintain the fantasy in her head that your boyfriend is single while she is hanging out with him. Your boyfriend will only feed into this if he goes along with it. It shouldn't even be up to her -- I would expect him to tell her that you are, for example, going to be coming along to dinner on Friday night or whatever. I go visit friends all over the country and their significant others join us at times during the visit. It's normal. It gives me pause that he isn't insisting that you join them at times over the course of the weekend. Is he just not going to see you all weekend? What is his schedule with her?

 

Where is she staying while she is visiting?

[sweetpeaelle]

Sorry to stir the pot, but I would be more concerned about him maintaining a relationship with someone he only decided NOT to pursue romantically because of distance. He clearly knows her feelings for him aren't just friendly.

 

I'm not sure what I would do in the situation, if I would have asked to meet her or not. But I think I would feel like he was having his ego stroked by maintaining contact with her while clearly knowing she has feelings for him. And I wouldn't like that he would do that.

 

Hi, thanks for your honest response! I too was concerned with the fact that distance was the only factor in his decision to not pursue things with her, but he explained to me that after getting to know her, he realized that if I weren't in the picture and the distance was closed, he still wouldn't pursue anything because of differences in their personalities.

 

If this was your significant other, would you have raised concerns in the beginning about maintaining any contact with a friend that used to have feelings for them, much less a friendship?

[sweetpeaelle]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all for wanting to meet her. I would expect that in normal circumstances if he were spending the weekend hanging out with her and showing her around that you would accompany him on some of those outings, depending on your own schedule.

 

She doesn't want to meet you because she is still in denial about you and wants to maintain the fantasy in her head that your boyfriend is single while she is hanging out with him. Your boyfriend will only feed into this if he goes along with it. It shouldn't even be up to her -- I would expect him to tell her that you are, for example, going to be coming along to dinner on Friday night or whatever. I go visit friends all over the country and their significant others join us at times during the visit. It's normal. It gives me pause that he isn't insisting that you join them at times over the course of the weekend. Is he just not going to see you all weekend? What is his schedule with her?

 

Where is she staying while she is visiting?

 

If she were to refuse me, I definitely feel like that would be an indication that she's as you're saying, maintaining the fantasy. And I do feel that my boyfriend would only be enabling it by spending time with her alone.

 

I'm totally up for scrutiny and criticism of my choices here (I really value third party advice!), but he basically alluded to the fact that he won't be seeing me at all that weekend. She's accompanying her parent who will be on a work trip in our city, so she will be staying in a hotel with her parent.

 

I'm definitely going to be having a further conversation with him, so I'm grateful for the points that you've brought up! I have a lot of hard questioning I have to do with myself about whether or not I condone my boyfriend's actions here.

[kendahke]

Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

If he comes back and say "she doesn't want to meet you and I'm still going to go show her around town without you", what are you prepared to do?

[preraph]

Oh, yeah, you should definitely be worried. They are both interested in each other and he just placed what she wants over what you want. Of course, since he has a girlfriend, he should not see this woman who he was once interested in and who is still after him without you being there. That's nonsense. And her feelings shouldn't be a high priority. It's clear he wants to see her alone, so don't blame her. Blame him.

[sweetpeaelle]

Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

If he comes back and say "she doesn't want to meet you and I'm still going to go show her around town without you", what are you prepared to do?

 

You've presented me with such a straightforward but necessary question to ask myself. In that event, I would be honest about my disappointment at that decision of his. I do trust him, and I strongly believe that he has no intention of cheating nor entertaining any advances, but I am quite concerned regarding his emotional maturity in knowing how to prioritize and be assertive. Even I'm questioning my assertiveness..thank you for your response!

[kendahke]

Understand that she's coming in town to shoot her best shot... he knows it and she knows it... that's what the whole meet up is about and why neither of them want you around.

 

It's that he's trying to keep you from knowing that.

 

Yeah, you being disappointed might not scare him enough--just be warned.

 

The fact is: his little friend actually has romantic notions about him that she kept to herself until after he met you because she thought she had time to develop that. She doesn't now--what she has to do is convince him that you are the wrong choice and he's a 1/4 of the way there by even bending his mind to spending the weekend taking her around everywhere without you.

Edited April 15, 2019 by kendahke

[damni]

The fact she does not want to meet you is a big warning sign and add on to that is your boyfriend agreeing to this arrangement is a big no no.

 

It shows he is not innocent in this either.

 

My sister partner had a similar situation with a female friend. The female friend did not want to meet my sister and it was found out that my sister partner and this female friend had past romantic interest in each other. My sister gave him an ultimatum and he did cut all contact with the female friend.who was never really just a friend.

[Tamfana]

 

... According to him, she expressed quite a bit of hurt at the news that he had moved on so quickly.

 

... while he has no problem with us meeting, he has a feeling that she will decline my request. He said that he would ask and do his best to emphasize to her my genuine desire to meet, but not to be offended if she says no.

 

... "I always thought that she was fine with everything after the summer. But recently after talking to her, I realized that she's really only now starting to show signs of moving on." I'm not sure why, but the revelation that he came to made me uneasy. ...

 

It made you uneasy because he wants to be friends with someone who's had the hots for him and doesn't want you part of their friendship. He's being either dumb about this (would he be cool with your ex wanting to be alone with you?) or he still wants that relationship private too.

 

I'm in favor of respecting partners' friendships. But this is the exception. Any friend who wants to keep a private relationship with someone in a solid relationship with someone else is up to no good.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Tamfana

[preraph]

You're being naive to trust him that far. He's seeing her alone without you for a reason. He was interested in her and that hasn't changed, and now she's after him for certain. He loves the attention and validation and they are going to cross the line. If they weren't, you'd be invited along.

 

He would have a cow if you wanted to do the same thing he's doing here, so you just remind him of that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's appropriate for him to be spending alone time with her knowing that she is not a friend of your relationship.

 

Have you considered the possibility that he is not even planning on asking her to meet you? There might be a reason he doesn't want to introduce you two. Perhaps there was more to their connection than he's letting on and doesn't want you to hear about it from her, for example. Would you really be any wiser if he never bothered asking her and claims she turned down the invitation?

 

I would not be comfortable at all with this situation, for either of the above reasons.

[oceanblue12]

This seems like a more than TOUCHY situation to me. I would never want if I was him especially if he has strong feelings towards you. Now, if she were a cousin or a relative of sorts then that's different

[smackie9]

Trust isn't the issue....it's just not appropriate to carry on a friendship with someone that still has feelings/emotional attachment. I find it very presumptuous of her to expect him to spend time with her while he is dating you. Doesn't matter if they don't "do" anything. There are boundaries that should have been set before all this happened. I'm sure he would feel uncomfortable if you were carrying on a friendship with a guy that you had an interest in, still kept in contact, and respected his feelings more than your BF's.

[fishlips]

She is still definitely interested in him, so watch your back. Is she planning to move to your city? Why is she even visiting, except to see him?

 

I don't think your BF is being respectful to you. I would have a talk with him and let him know that meeting her without you bothers you. If she is truly over him, she should be more than willing to meet you.

[sweetpeaelle]

Understand that she's coming in town to shoot her best shot... he knows it and she knows it... that's what the whole meet up is about and why neither of them want you around.

 

It's that he's trying to keep you from knowing that.

 

Yeah, you being disappointed might not scare him enough--just be warned.

 

The fact is: his little friend actually has romantic notions about him that she kept to herself until after he met you because she thought she had time to develop that. She doesn't now--what she has to do is convince him that you are the wrong choice and he's a 1/4 of the way there by even bending his mind to spending the weekend taking her around everywhere without you.

 

I really appreciate your straightforward response. Definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm also considering the possibility that my boyfriend is just displaying immaturity in the sense of being a pushover. Perhaps he truly does want to stay on high moral grounds and not do anything with her, but wants to avoid being assertive. In that case, that definitely would still make me question our relationship because I'm not being appropriately prioritized.

[sweetpeaelle]

The fact she does not want to meet you is a big warning sign and add on to that is your boyfriend agreeing to this arrangement is a big no no.

 

It shows he is not innocent in this either.

 

My sister partner had a similar situation with a female friend. The female friend did not want to meet my sister and it was found out that my sister partner and this female friend had past romantic interest in each other. My sister gave him an ultimatum and he did cut all contact with the female friend.who was never really just a friend.

 

Thanks for sharing that experience! So far my boyfriend hasn't made it clear to me whether or not he agrees with her response (I wanted to have a well thought out response to him, based on the advice and forewarnings that the forum members have given me) but I definitely will be questioning him if he just gives in to what she wants and doesn't prioritize me as he should.

[sweetpeaelle]

It made you uneasy because he wants to be friends with someone who's had the hots for him and doesn't want you part of their friendship. He's being either dumb about this (would he be cool with your ex wanting to be alone with you?) or he still wants that relationship private too.

 

I'm in favor of respecting partners' friendships. But this is the exception. Any friend who wants to keep a private relationship with someone in a solid relationship with someone else is up to no good.

 

You presented truths to me in a way that I wasn't able to verbalize for myself. Thank you. I will definitely be using what you said in my response to him in person.

[sweetpeaelle]

You're being naive to trust him that far. He's seeing her alone without you for a reason. He was interested in her and that hasn't changed, and now she's after him for certain. He loves the attention and validation and they are going to cross the line. If they weren't, you'd be invited along.

 

He would have a cow if you wanted to do the same thing he's doing here, so you just remind him of that.

 

I appreciate the straightforwardness. I'm definitely going to be pushing these uncomfortable truths in his face and really base my decisions about this relationship on how he reacts to them.

[sweetpeaelle]

I don't think it's appropriate for him to be spending alone time with her knowing that she is not a friend of your relationship.

 

Have you considered the possibility that he is not even planning on asking her to meet you? There might be a reason he doesn't want to introduce you two. Perhaps there was more to their connection than he's letting on and doesn't want you to hear about it from her, for example. Would you really be any wiser if he never bothered asking her and claims she turned down the invitation?

 

I would not be comfortable at all with this situation, for either of the above reasons.

 

I've definitely wondered if he's capable of being that manipulative, where he feigns just enough transparency to placate me. I know anything is possible and all humans have the capacity to be ****ty, but my gut feeling and experiences with him thus far haven't pointed to that notion. It is something I'm well aware could be a possibility. I've yet to really hash out this topic with him (that'll happen tomorrow or early this week) but I will be presenting this uncomfortable truths to him. Thank you for your response!

[preraph]

That's about all you can do. He shouldn't even ask her if she wants you to come. He should wait until the day and say, Okay, me and sweetpeaelle will see you at 3:00.

[sweetpeaelle]

Trust isn't the issue....it's just not appropriate to carry on a friendship with someone that still has feelings/emotional attachment. I find it very presumptuous of her to expect him to spend time with her while he is dating you. Doesn't matter if they don't "do" anything. There are boundaries that should have been set before all this happened. I'm sure he would feel uncomfortable if you were carrying on a friendship with a guy that you had an interest in, still kept in contact, and respected his feelings more than your BF's.

 

I agree with everything that you said! I'll admit that it was poor judgement to be okay with him continuing a friendship with her when it wasn't apparent that she had fully moved on. I guess I was just so convinced by the transparency that he had with me, that I never really questioned if this was even a healthy friendship for them to pursue. I didn't feel disrespected then, but now I'm definitely starting to feel peeved.

[sweetpeaelle]

She is still definitely interested in him, so watch your back. Is she planning to move to your city? Why is she even visiting, except to see him?

 

I don't think your BF is being respectful to you. I would have a talk with him and let him know that meeting her without you bothers you. If she is truly over him, she should be more than willing to meet you.

 

She just purchased a place in her city, so I doubt that she would be moving here. She's visiting because she's accompanying her parent who has a work conference in our city.

 

I'll definitely be having an assertive conversation with him. Thank you for your reply!

[d0nnivain]

Rather then letting the friend dictate the terms, because you are his GF he needs to make her meeting you a condition of him spending time with her. Whose feelings are more important here, hers or yours? It's not even about trust; it's about priorities & manners.