Is this a waste of time?

[Lorenza]

I've been dating in my city (Northern Europe) for almost 2,5 years with no results, mainly because I have a hard time liking anyone here. So recently I decided to go go on dates while traveling, since I had two trips booked anyway. Two of my best friends are married to someone who used to live in a different country in the beginning, one of them - even in a different continent and I always liked their stories, just seems so romantic. And I am opened myself to relocating.

 

So I went on my first trip two weeks ago (2 h away by plane) and got a lot of matches the very first day which led to some dates. I didn't have high expectations - it's nice to have some company or someone who can show me around anyway. However, one of the guys I met I liked a looot. It was such a long time ago I felt that it simply clicks. I was into kissing and stuff which never happens to me with someone I just met. We even met for a second time, but didn't manage more because I had to travel home the next day. This was in the beginning of the month.

 

He seemed to like me a lot as well and has booked the tickets to come see me in about a week (not gonna stay at my place though, and hasn't even suggested, also I made it clear there won't be sex since I don't have it without a serious commitment), but he wasn't really good at communicating during this time apart, has no social medias whatsoever and generally doesn't seem into chatting. Takes a long time to even read a message. I have grown quite a bit since my last relationship and after more than two years of online dating, have myself got a distaste for chatting. I told him he shouldn't come if he isn't opened for something serious and he said he absolutely is and wants to meet me again and see what's next, so I'm sure it's not just for fun. Also the tickets weren't cheap those days, plus hotel etc.. don't think someone uninterested would bother.

 

But the question is..how would it work? I'm not so much into chatting, he is even less... Is it a waste of time in that case? I know that it's much better to talk on phone instead, but I'm not sure if someone (him) so detached from his phone would be able to keep it up. I know it's early to say, but I'm thinking if I should keep more distance when he comes over not to catch feelings? It will be hard to resist, because there was an instant connection.

 

I'm not super invested in this yet and have one more trip to go (and intending to go on dates there too, lol), but would be cool to get some thoughts about this guy.

Just hard for me to decide if I should keep my distance or act the way I feel when we meet again.

[Els]

H and I were in a LDR for two years. We Skyped daily almost without fail, usually leaving it on when we were studying or doing housework or whatever. It was the only option we had to be part of each others' lives. Almost no successful LDR couple relies solely on text conversation if they can help it.

 

LDRs can work, however I would most certainly not describe them as "romantic", lol. They are difficult, costly, emotionally stressful, and cause a lot of issues that most in-town relationships would not face. Having been in one, I wouldn't wish that phase of our relationship on my worst enemy.

 

Was it worth it to me? Of course. Most certainly. But I think you have a rather idealized/romanticized view of LDRs. Know what you're getting into, and then decide if it's worth it to you.

[Lorenza]

Just to clarify - I do realise there's a need for constant contact while dating someone from abroad, and would be up for regular phone calls in case it would come to that. But the guy doesn't strike me as someone who would be able to keep that contact. Or should I give him the benefit of a doubt and try it out and then see how he manages to communicate?

I'm not a native English speaker (obviously), so please have in mind that I can't formulate a question as good as native speaker.

[Els]

Just to clarify - I do realise there's a need for constant contact while dating someone from abroad, and would be up for regular phone calls in case it would come to that. But the guy doesn't strike me as someone who would be able to keep that contact. Or should I give him the benefit of a doubt and try it out and then see how he manages to communicate?

 

 

Sure, give it a try and see how the communication works out. It's hard to know whether he'd be up for Skyping when you haven't even suggested it.

 

 

All I'm saying is, be aware of what you're getting into. Skyping is usually the easy part.

[Lorenza]

H and I were in a LDR for two years. We Skyped daily almost without fail, usually leaving it on when we were studying or doing housework or whatever. It was the only option we had to be part of each others' lives. Almost no successful LDR couple relies solely on text conversation if they can help it.

 

LDRs can work, however I would most certainly not describe them as "romantic", lol. They are difficult, costly, emotionally stressful, and cause a lot of issues that most in-town relationships would not face. Having been in one, I wouldn't wish that phase of our relationship on my worst enemy.

 

Was it worth it to me? Of course. Most certainly. But I think you have a rather idealized/romanticized view of LDRs. Know what you're getting into, and then decide if it's worth it to you.

 

I think I enjoy a little bit of drama in my life (like looking forward to seeing each other, flying to each other etc), it excites me, that's why I romaticized it a bit. I've been in an LDR before as well, but with someone it wasn't working even before he had to move overseas.

But I'm up for closing the distance as soon as possible, of course. And up for daily Skype calls, just not sure if this guy is right for that. I like him a lot though, it's been such a long time and I'm really excited. Dating in my city is tedious and I don't like the vibe here at all. It's also has the most singles in the world. I think people catch this vibe here and that's why it's so hard to find someone here.

[Curiousroxy86]

When dating in general you should never just let your feelings carry you wherever it wants to ESPECIALLY when there is high chemistry. Your feelings doesn't consider logic and the lack of logic is when we tend to make decisions that you end up regretting after the fact.

 

So I say in dating especially when you have great feelings is enjoy it, have a good time, be present, but remain logical.

 

You know you don't know this man. You see signs that's opposite of relationship cultivating. It's logical to just simply not get excited about this guy. You can still enjoy the date and be in the present but right now just keep your options open. Don't make the mistake of getting caught up in how to read this one guy when a) it's way too early b) he hasn't even shown you anything significant to consider

 

It's like this.... date this guy, have fun get to know him, but don't expect anything out of it. Next guy same thing. Next guy same thing. Some of them will be great connections and romantic kisses. You will feel good because of the chemistry alone. Great experience but still know logically that's not enough to consider him as anything serious or get into a relationship off just chemistry and nothing else. So again keep getting to know and go on dates. What you will find that the ones with great chemistry may not pan out because they are flaky. Again just keep dating other guys.

 

Now One of them stands out. Not because of chemistry alone. But because he shows true substance. He is keen on getting to know you because he is trying to call you more in between dates. He is asking you out again and again consistently. Y'all not only connect but he shows himself to be a great guy and relationship oriented by how he treats you on dates AND in between dates. This guy not only "feels" like a boyfriend but ACTS like a boyfriend. Well because this guy shows you something substantial theeeeen you can reciprocate by naturaly focusing on him. And the great part is...you never had to analyze him or guess where this is going, or wonder if your wasting your time because he is simply showing you by his ACTIONS very clearly that he is interested in you on a more relationship basis. The only observation is if he keeps up his boyfriend actions over time. That's it. And of course always look out for any boundary breaking red flags.

 

You see it doesn't make logical sense to when you meet a new guy you connect with to start analyzing his every move when he really hasn't done anything yet. "Hmmm he not contacting as much in between the date I wonder if".......No. if he is not showing you any boyfriend actions you simply just don't take him seriously or any guy seriously until one does. You just get to know him and have fun when he does show up. Be open to other guys. Rinse and repeat until the one guy shows you somenthing real and then you can focus and you never had to play some dumb guessing game. Good luck hun!

[dispatch3d]

I don't understand why you would go for an LDR basically on purpose. I can understand it happening - but ideally i want my relationship to exist in the same town, preferably in the same house. Anything else doesn't seem real to me.

[Lorenza]

When dating in general you should never just let your feelings carry you wherever it wants to ESPECIALLY when there is high chemistry. Your feelings doesn't consider logic and the lack of logic is when we tend to make decisions that you end up regretting after the fact.

 

So I say in dating especially when you have great feelings is enjoy it, have a good time, be present, but remain logical.

 

You know you don't know this man. You see signs that's opposite of relationship cultivating. It's logical to just simply not get excited about this guy. You can still enjoy the date and be in the present but right now just keep your options open. Don't make the mistake of getting caught up in how to read this one guy when a) it's way too early b) he hasn't even shown you anything significant to consider

 

It's like this.... date this guy, have fun get to know him, but don't expect anything out of it. Next guy same thing. Next guy same thing. Some of them will be great connections and romantic kisses. You will feel good because of the chemistry alone. Great experience but still know logically that's not enough to consider him as anything serious or get into a relationship off just chemistry and nothing else. So again keep getting to know and go on dates. What you will find that the ones with great chemistry may not pan out because they are flaky. Again just keep dating other guys.

 

Now One of them stands out. Not because of chemistry alone. But because he shows true substance. He is keen on getting to know you because he is trying to call you more in between dates. He is asking you out again and again consistently. Y'all not only connect but he shows himself to be a great guy and relationship oriented by how he treats you on dates AND in between dates. This guy not only "feels" like a boyfriend but ACTS like a boyfriend. Well because this guy shows you something substantial theeeeen you can reciprocate by naturaly focusing on him. And the great part is...you never had to analyze him or guess where this is going, or wonder if your wasting your time because he is simply showing you by his ACTIONS very clearly that he is interested in you on a more relationship basis. The only observation is if he keeps up his boyfriend actions over time. That's it. And of course always look out for any boundary breaking red flags.

 

You see it doesn't make logical sense to when you meet a new guy you connect with to start analyzing his every move when he really hasn't done anything yet. "Hmmm he not contacting as much in between the date I wonder if".......No. if he is not showing you any boyfriend actions you simply just don't take him seriously or any guy seriously until one does. You just get to know him and have fun when he does show up. Be open to other guys. Rinse and repeat until the one guy shows you somenthing real and then you can focus and you never had to play some dumb guessing game. Good luck hun!

 

Yes exactly, I'm opened to other guys and gonna go on dates during my other trip as well. But no more in my city.

I probably just need to see how it's going to be after he visits me. Might be I won't even feel the same way about him.

I think the chemistry wasn't just physical, that's why I am so eager to meet again, it was just so easy to laugh and interact. Making me laugh is the way to my heart and it happens so rarely with guys nowadays. Everyone is so serious, trying to play cool and dates usually feel like job interviews. I've counted the dates I've been on since December 2016 (when I got out into the market) and I've met 34 guys in total and it's probably the first I felt it went so easy with. So I'm at least happy that the spell is broken

Yes, I realise a guy needs to show me something real before I take him into consideration. A promising thing about this one was that he was really quick to book the tickets. The communication... I'd say pretty bad, long intervals between messages. Definitely not gonna invest into anything before I see there's anything of substance. But I still don't know how to act when we meet, in case I will feel the same about him

[Lorenza]

I don't understand why you would go for an LDR basically on purpose. I can understand it happening - but ideally i want my relationship to exist in the same town, preferably in the same house. Anything else doesn't seem real to me.

 

I've seen a lot of examples that are real... Also I don't like local guys.

I don't want a forever LDR, the distance would have to close at some point. It would be nice if someone without the local mentality moved to me or me relocating somewhere I'd enjoy living more than here (I really don't fit in with the rest. Like the city itself, hight salaries, good conditions, but otherwise...). So yeah, very opened to possibilities. That's why

[dispatch3d]

I currently want to move - because I both hate the local attitude and find dating abysmal where I live. However I wouldn't travel to another location in my country (I'm in Canada so its much different) and try to start a relationship with someone 3 hours+ away, hoping they eventually move to me. I'd probably look for a job in one of the large metropolitan areas, then work on getting a relationship with someone in that area once I'm settled.

 

I couldn't imagine doing what that guy is doing - booking plane tickets to maybe start a relationship with a girl he's met once. I dunno i still don't get it.

[Lorenza]

I currently want to move - because I both hate the local attitude and find dating abysmal where I live. However I wouldn't travel to another location in my country (I'm in Canada so its much different) and try to start a relationship with someone 3 hours+ away, hoping they eventually move to me. I'd probably look for a job in one of the large metropolitan areas, then work on getting a relationship with someone in that area once I'm settled.

 

I couldn't imagine doing what that guy is doing - booking plane tickets to maybe start a relationship with a girl he's met once. I dunno i still don't get it.

 

Twice

As I said I've seen a lot of that. Even my own father... was sceptical about his case and still am, cause of different reasons, but he seems really happy with her so whatever. My best friend spent a year having only Skype calls with her guy, due to both of them being studens. Eventually they got together and move to a completely different country together. Been married for 8 years. I don't know, nothing in Europe really seems too far for me

[Lorenza]

Oh and at least this guy met me before booking the tickets. There was a guy who came to visit me without meeting me before, soo... everything's possible

[toomanyquestions123]

I say let him come, enjoy your time together, see if the chemistry was real and assess him after he goes back. Nothing to lose...

[Curiousroxy86]

But I still don't know how to act when we meet, in case I will feel the same about him

 

Don't worry about all that. Just be open to him on the date. Laugh if he makes you laugh. Kiss passionately if you feel like it. Enjoy the date. Be in the present. and if for whatever reason you don't feel it then you don't feel it. Remain good mannered regardless. Good luck .

[Curiousroxy86]

Also if I were you I wouldn't close the door on local guys. You never know when a man moves into your town that you never seen or dated before. Give atleast a new guy that's local you never seen or dated before a chance before writing him off. But that's just my opinion.

[Lorenza]

Also if I were you I wouldn't close the door on local guys. You never know when a man moves into your town that you never seen or dated before. Give atleast a new guy that's local you never seen or dated before a chance before writing him off. But that's just my opinion.

 

Hard to meet those new-in-town guys. OLD are mostly local guys or those who have been living here for a while

[Curiousroxy86]

Hard to meet those new-in-town guys. OLD are mostly local guys or those who have been living here for a while

 

Yea like for me I too feel like the only guys online are guys I am not interested in or have already communicated with or dated for the most part. However I still will take the time to do quick search for new members. Every once in awhile I get a message from or I will see a guy in search that I'm attracted too. So Just remain open even if they don't come often. It wouldn't hurt to search both local and long distance since you are opening up your personal dating pool by choosing to be open to ldr. I personally refuse ldr so my pool will remain limited lol. Doesn't make sense to close your pool from local just because you think it may never happen locally. You never know. Keep it open anyway. Plus if your also getting out the house and remaining open to the guys you see while in public whether local or ldr again that's opening up your dating world even more so. you never know who you meet, where you meet, and from wherever they are from.

[Lorenza]

I'm setting my expectations suuuper low. The communication is pretty bad actually. Many hours in between texts. I normally reply withing 20-30 minutes unless I'm with my students or at the uni, and even then I can normally find time during the breaks to reply to whoever texted me. Sure, some people are not big texters, but if you were able to pick your phone to read messages, then you can probably drop a short reply.

Can't imagine an LDR working out with such a slow texter.