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First date hookup disaster leads to ghosting


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Old 15th April 2019, 5:17 PM   #16
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Ghosting is disrespectful in any case, but see if she texts you back. If she doesn't, move on and try again.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:53 PM   #17
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I’m also curious—what’s the value in trying to get a woman who ghosted you to give you another chance? I agree that you don’t have much to lose in asking her again, but she changes her mind and then what? You’ll be living in constant fear of the next time you inadvertently make a mistake and she disappears again.

I think you should cut your losses. Keep trying. This is not the only date you’ll ever get. Just remember that even if you’re shy, it doesn’t absolve you of meeting people halfway. If you want someone to be interested in you, you need to also convey interest. ASK the woman out before she has to do it. INITIATE physical contact or sexual intentions before the woman has to. FOLLOW-UP with them before they think you’re not interested.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:59 PM   #18
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It's a learning experience. Don't text a month before meeting up. Don't try to bang with no energy in the tank. Don't ignore her the day after coitus. Don't try to rescue a ghosting with follow up texts.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:31 PM   #19
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Reaper, you don't need a doctor. You need sleep.
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:59 PM   #20
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I’m also curious—what’s the value in trying to get a woman who ghosted you to give you another chance?
Ohhh I don't know. I'm entirely aware of the implications of willingly inviting someone capable of doing this into my life, and even I know it sounds like a bad idea. I honestly believe it's loneliness directing me towards these actions to be honest. I mean- I can talk to a ton of people I've matched with on dating apps, and I feel ABOUT as satisfied as I do not talking to anyone throughout the work week. And even going on a good date afew years back that led to nothing, I just felt great afterwards, and it didn't conjure up these negative feelings that have been brewing since going on this last date.

I've always gotten compliments from my friends that are always in and out of relationships for never "needing" anyone, and being fine being by myself and honestly, I'd begin thinking maybe something was wrong with me for not feeling an ounce of loneliness just doing my own thing by myself in my house alone. Then I talk to a girl that seems super interested, go on a great date, I get (somewhat) laid, and then it's like a veil is taken off my life, and I realize I am actually VERY lonely, and sitting home alone with noone then becomes nearly unbearable.

And it's weird. I don't know if it's because we had (what I considered at least) great conversations with lots of shared interests, and what even she called "great chemistry and a real connection", or if it's the fact that she is suddenly "unattainable" after being seemingly within reach for the duration of us talking, but there's feelings very similar to when my ex of 5 years left afew years back, where I can't get her off of my mind/ wondering if she's talking to other people/ feelings of grief, sleeplessness ect. And I don't know WHAT that's about. I mean.. I was rejected in both scenarios, so I suppose it's no big surprise the feelings would be similar, right? Granted: it's solved pretty easily in this case by saying "Gtf ahold of yourself, Josh. You were on 1 date", lol. But I don't know. This kinda stuff tends to make me feel like There's some deep-seated issues in me when it comes to growing attached and the speed in which it happens, and I don't know what to do about it.

All that being said, talking about it on here has been a HUGE therapy. It's only been acouple days since it's happened, but your responses and looking foward to seeing what you guys have to say about this silly crap I'm going through has ACTUALLY made a huge difference in my attitude both at work and at home.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:01 PM   #21
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What happened to the other women online you were chatting? You never asked any of them out? Have you rejected their suggestions to meet? Perhaps you should try initiating dates with them just to practice and get used to rejections.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:38 PM   #22
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What happened to the other women online you were chatting? You never asked any of them out? Have you rejected their suggestions to meet? Perhaps you should try initiating dates with them just to practice and get used to rejections.

I've actually avoided asking any from these apps and sites on dates due strictly to the nerves and anxiety that leads to a first date, if I'm being entirely honest. Now that's definitely not something I'd admit to if we were face to face, lol. And I really believe that's why I'm "stuck" on this girl after just a single date. I sucked it up. Decided I WAS going this time. Stressed about it for nearly an entire week. Bought new clothes. Fought my inner demons telling me to just cancel on her. Suck it aaalll up and end up having a great date despite my stress level leading up to it being off the charts. I'm thinking that I'm associating all those mini successes to her and giving her the credit.

That being said- I've had absolutely NO interest in opening those apps back up since our date. I've even had another more attractive woman that I was texting awhile back, texting lately and showing interest and I have ZERO interest in her at the moment, as I'm focused solely on this one. Idk wtf my problem is..
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:55 PM   #23
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A few points. I don't think the text was the culprit either, but for future reference, it would have been a good idea to reach out in some way, even if it was to tell her you had a great time. The last thing you want to do is to send mixed signals. Make sense?

I also wouldn't have waited a month before meeting up for the first time. The last thing you want to do is get too heavily invested into someone that might not be around after a first date. It can be an incredible let down.

You were lucky she made the move and pushed for the first date. Generally speaking, there are a lot of women that are going to be waiting on you to initiate that first meeting and your lack of assertiveness could cost you a really great catch.
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Old 15th April 2019, 11:10 PM   #24
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Reaper, when you're really attracted to a woman it doesn't matter whether you have anxiety or that you're shy, your body will make it happen. But in this case yours did the exact opposite. You had to drag yourself to even go out on the date and she had to move things along.

It's likely she sensed the lack of primal desire for her when you had sex, hence the loss of interest. Women can be very intuitive in bed. If not being proactive is a common occurrence I would suggest starting some deep self reflection and try to figure out what's going on with you on a sexual level. Exactly what it is that's holding you back.
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Old 15th April 2019, 11:34 PM   #25
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This actually happened to me when I was first dating my bf!

We had been dating for weeks, and when we got to doing it, haha, guess he built it up too much in his head and was very nervous, so couldn't maintain it.

However, it was all good for me, because he spoke about it, we addressed it, and laughed about it eventually. Continued dating him and no such problems once we were closer and he was less anxious.

I do think it's the not texting though, because, coincidentally, my guy also started with playing texting games and didn't text often. I simply took it as disinterest and the next time he asked me out, I told him I was not interested in dating someone who didn't seem interested. He immediately dropped the act, and told me all about the rules of dating he's been reading up on, and after I understood, all was good!

My opinion is that (well, based on what went on in my own head during my experiences), she may 1) think you're not sexually attracted to her or not find her attractive (yes, i may have some self-esteem issues and had those thoughts about myself, was pretty sad, until he very emphatically reassured me otherwise) and you could remedy it by talking about the real reason you weren't able to maintain it.

2) your not texting the next day may have made her feel like you weren't that interested, and usually, the day after sex, well, some girls may be sensitive and wonder if the guy would be into them after they have "given it up". Personally, I know it's lame and very unfeminist to have such thoughts, but it is a concern I've had before. (Though, surprisingly, I've never met a jerk who just had sex and ran. Unrelated, but just wanted to speak up for men a little - I think if you choose men based on certain traits, you can have really good dating experiences). Anyway, so she may feel that you really don't find her attractive? However, if you've texted her a couple times, I'd think she should get the hint that you're still interested.

Not sure if this helped. Good luck!
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Old 16th April 2019, 10:28 AM   #26
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Reaper, when you're really attracted to a woman it doesn't matter whether you have anxiety or that you're shy, your body will make it happen. But in this case yours did the exact opposite. You had to drag yourself to even go out on the date and she had to move things along.

It's likely she sensed the lack of primal desire for her when you had sex, hence the loss of interest. Women can be very intuitive in bed. If not being proactive is a common occurrence I would suggest starting some deep self reflection and try to figure out what's going on with you on a sexual level. Exactly what it is that's holding you back.
Wow I never really thought of things in that way. I know you're not a "sex psychologist" or anything but what do YOU think could be responsible for this? Because now that you mention it- afew of us have been going to the strip club afew times as of late, and I even when getting lap dances, I never really get erect. I appreciate their bodies and enjoy it, but I guess I always kind of figured not getting an erection was normal?

The only real thing that comes to my mind is maybe my porn and masturbation habits? Obviously I don't mean to get too vulgar in this chat- but before Friday, I was on a dry spell that lasted the entire length of my singlehood and a little into the tail end of my relationship. So maybe about 3 years. Needless to say, my masturbation habits are at a high (at LEAST once a day, and sometimes 2. Before and after work, and twice a day on weekends). Not to mention the categories I've let myself slide into are way out into the woods. I feel like I've read things that imply that high levels of masturbation could lead to increased stamina? So i guess I assumed if it was doing ANYthing to me, it was helping. (Not that an increase in stamina has really been beneficial to me anyway..lol)

Could that possibly BE a cause of my lack of aggressiveness and desire in yalls opinion and possibly CAUSE erectile dysfunction in young men my age??
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:11 AM   #27
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Okay, thats your issue: too much porn!
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:26 AM   #28
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Honestly Reaper I don't know you so I can't really give you any kind of guess that would be helpful. It could be many things.

When I was younger I used to get blue in the face during health class when they would talk about penis and vagina, I didn't masturbate let alone date till I was in mid- twenties and I pushed away every girl that showed any interest in me. I had no idea what was going on with me for a long time. I didn't even know if my penis worked in that regard.

Turns out when I was a baby I had a hernia surgery that ended up destroying one of my testicles. I had known this all my life but read the medical records for the first time in my mid twenties. Apparently after the surgery I was in agonizing pain for a few months while it slowly died down there. My mother never bothered to take me back to the doctor for months as she assumed I was just a whiny baby. Kind of put in perspective all of a sudden why I was so uncomfortable with any kind of activity down there.

Anyway, I ended up slowly working my way through it and getting comfortable with sex. Not that that's what happened with you, but there might be something you're not fully aware of going on and if you can figure out what it is you might be able to get to a point where you get past it. And actually want to be with a woman.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:42 AM   #29
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You sound like you need a therapist to help you work on your crippling anxiety.

A professional therapist—not Love Shack.
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Old 16th April 2019, 12:18 PM   #30
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OP, Google porn addiction. It causes all sorts of problems. If you can't make it through a day without masturbating to pornography at least once, sometimes more, and your porn "interests" are getting more and more "out in the woods," you probably are addicted and it's doing you no good at all.
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