LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

First date hookup disaster leads to ghosting


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree51Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th April 2019, 11:35 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 50
First date hookup disaster leads to ghosting

What's up guys. I'm 32 and I've been single for about 2.5 years. In that time, I've been on 2 dates. One not long after the breakup to try and help facilitate moving on, and the second, this past Friday. This most recent one was with a 28 year old attractive woman I met on a dating app. I've been on these apps and talked to quite afew people, but this is the first one I've felt inclined to actually take out.

We talked for over a month, shared lots of interests and never got tired of hearing from each other. We finally decided to meet up (her suggestion by the way) for dinner this past Friday. The date went very well. Great conversation and getting to know each other over the course of 3 hours, and the chemistry was where it needed to be. After dinner, we hung out outside talking some more, and decided to colbe back to my place (again. Her suggestion).

It all carried over once we got to my house and we made out and everything. We decided to move things to the bedroom and, it being 3 am and me having been up almost 24 hours at that point, I couldn't maintain an erection. Obviously this was one of the most humiliating things I've personally gone through. Granted- we did both get off and things seemed good between us even after that for the hour or so she hung around. She seemed to understand and sounded eager to try again some time later.

The following day I didn't text as to appear to not seem needy, and she'd mentioned she had to visit an uncle Saturday. On Sunday I texted her good morning since she said she enjoyed getting those texts from me during the date. After not getting a response, I texted back 6 hours later asking what was up and if she was back in town. Still nothing.

Now I DO have a tendency to fall hard and quick, but I feel like I'm taking this particularly hard for having only gone on one date with this girl. And it makes me sick knowing that my inadequacy that night caused me to get ghosted. Possibly the most humiliating and damaging thing I've gone through to my self esteem.

My current thoughts are to text her maybe in the middle of next week and just see if I can get a response without bringing anything about her ghosting me up. Thoughts on this situation? Any advice is appreciated.
ReaperOfTheGrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 11:48 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: 8,885 feet above sea level
Posts: 2,771
Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.
__________________
2014 No Contact Guide
Mrin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 12:40 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.
And that's what I hate. You read different things and eeeverything has something different to say on the topic. Either wait afew days, or text back immediately. Would you consider it worth trying to text back in the middle of next week some time?
ReaperOfTheGrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 2:46 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,358
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.

Yep. When you sleep with a woman, you don't ignore her the next day. Ever.
Highndry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 2:52 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13,139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Just a hunch here but I think her lack of response has more to do with you not texting the next day rather than your inability to keep it up.
Bingo.

As a woman myself - waiting 2 days to get in touch was likely what put her off, OP. Not a great idea.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 5:28 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 50
Damn. Ok so I screwed up. But what do you guys think I aught to do from here?
ReaperOfTheGrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 6:25 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 12,184
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReaperOfTheGrim View Post
Damn. Ok so I screwed up. But what do you guys think I aught to do from here?
Never ever go out on a date when you haven't slept for nearly 24 hours. Not texting the day after was bad, but being dog tired was also a foolish choice. Not sure there is any way forward from this.

For what it's worth texting the day after isn't needy. Needy is about not being demanding of her love. And the reason the 'rules' are so complex is because there are no rules. They are just random comments made by people which reflect what they think works. As different things work for different people, it stands to reason you'll get different advice.

I can't give you advice on how to move forward with this one.

Last edited by basil67; 15th April 2019 at 6:27 AM..
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 9:12 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Never ever go out on a date when you haven't slept for nearly 24 hours. Not texting the day after was bad, but being dog tired was also a foolish choice. Not sure there is any way forward from this.

For what it's worth texting the day after isn't needy. Needy is about not being demanding of her love. And the reason the 'rules' are so complex is because there are no rules. They are just random comments made by people which reflect what they think works. As different things work for different people, it stands to reason you'll get different advice.

I can't give you advice on how to move forward with this one.
Thanks for the input! Sometimes I wish I'd come here asking things before I take it upon myself to make these decisions. But to be clear- our date was actually at 7 and after afew hours, we left to go to my place at 11 and by the time she left my house at 4 am and that was after waking up for work at 4 am. So it was very unintentional, and I didn't expect the date to go THAT well to be honest.
ReaperOfTheGrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 10:00 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: West
Posts: 46
Since you haven't heard back from her, why not just come clean about why you didn't text the day after? Tell her you really enjoyed spending time with her, but were foolishly following cultural "rules" of dating that say one shouldn't text the day after. Tell her you were thinking about her, and would really like to see her again if she would be willing to overlook your mistake.


I'm not saying you made a *huge* blunder, but if the wait was the reason she didn't reply, you've got nothing to lose by being honest.



I do agree with the others that waiting a day to contact after intimacy feels odd.
Rockett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 10:10 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,154
Eh, I'm not convinced it has anything to do with him not texting the next day. While she may have been bothered/annoyed by the lack of communication, if she was really into him she would've responded anyway, IMO. And he didn't wait a week or anything -- it was essentially the next day since he had seen her that morning.

It's really hard to say what's going on, but sometimes when you have a marathon first date like that you wake up the next morning, rethink the date, and decide that you really aren't feeling it as much as you thought you were the night before.

If you aren't ready to give up yet, you have nothing to lose by reaching out one more time and asking her out. If she responds, great. If not, you know you tried your hardest. I don't think you should get into any big explanation about why you didn't text the next day, either. It sounds really beta.
__________________
In the end one loves one's desire and not what is desired. -- Nietzsche
clia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 11:10 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 2,815
I’m with clia for this one: I don’t think not texting her right away was the culprit. However, my general impression is that you’ve been really passive in all this. She was the one to ask to meet up (why didn’t you initiate a first date after chatting for so long?); she was also the one to initiate going to your place.

Have you heard from her? If not, it’s safe to conclude she may have lost interest. If you decide to text her one last time, make sure to sound enthusiastic and tell her what a great time you had.
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 11:41 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: east coast
Posts: 8,248
I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but I think this woman has lost all interest in you. I also think it has little to nothing to do with you not texting her the next day. While the lack of communication might irk a girl a bit, if she likes you, she will put up with it. I think that the reason this girl is ghosting or ignoring you is that you couldn't keep an erection. Think about it from her perspective. She is obviously interested in hooking up right away because she is the one that suggested it. Then, instead of giving her some spine-tingling, scream out your name sex, you couldn't keep it up. Now, maybe you did some other things and felt that it was enough but I doubt it. She didn't really get enough time in to form much of a bond with you so it's pretty easy to walk away when you immediately show signs of having a problem in an area that is important enough to her that she wants to do it immediately.

My advice is to forget this girl. If she texts you again, that's fine, but she seems to have lost interest for now. In the future, if a girl wants to hook up on the first date, you had better be ready to show her a bangin good time. I can guarantee you that if you rocked her world that first go around, she would come back for seconds.
enigma32 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 11:52 AM   #13
Established Member
 
losangelena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: L.A.
Posts: 4,322
I’m confused, OP. You said you lost your erection, but that you both got off. Can you explain that?

I’ve been with guys who can’t maintain, and it’s not a huge-huge deal, but yeah, for a first time, it can be a bit of a let down when it’s not very intense or exciting.

I feel like maybe it’s a combo of all three things—she’s having to initiate all these things, then the lackluster sex, and you waiting to follow up. If I were here, I’d be feeling “ehn” about it all.

Is there a reason for this lack of assertiveness?
losangelena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 1:04 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 50
Really appreciate the responses and the many different perspectives! I'm overwhelmed so many of you are taking the time out of your day to read AND respond to my post. This is definitely one of the best communities I've seen on the internet.

During the sex, I could definitely get an erection, but when transitioning from oral to sex, it would begin to lose its fullness to the point of making it difficult. As much as I know it was from the fatigue of the day, but I'm still considering a drs appointment to see if there's something someone my age can do to fight this. I can't have this **** happen again. I'm getting a membership at the gym and going to work on quitting smoking- as I've read those can both cause this. If she had just ghosted me after the date or making out- that would have been one thing. But because I couldn't stay hard? Bad damn way to go. Probably going to effect me for awhile.

And as far as her assertiveness- I'm really just a shy person for the most part to be honest. I credit it to things I went through as a child, and it's something I'm actively trying to do something about, but it's definitely held me back in my career, my relationships and in this scenario as well. And not to get too "deep", but I truly believe that this is key in why it seems to be effecting me so much. I finally had the balls to go on a date. Finally had the balls to kiss her and escalate the interaction to lead to the bedroom (even if she was the one that suggested coming to my house). Then I drop the ball in such a massive way and in such a humiliating fashion.

My gut is pretty much telling me it's a combination of the lack of assertiveness, the playing games with the texts, and the lackluster sex that's caused her to walk away-as others have stated. But where I'm at now, I'm considering just a text at some point in the middle of the week. As afew have pointed out, "what do I have to lose, really?". We had a great time, were clearly into each other at least at one point, and shared a ton of interests. I just have to figure out where it's gonna come from. Mention that we both had a good time and got along great and I'd like to see her again, or just a what's up text lol.
ReaperOfTheGrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th April 2019, 5:07 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 500
Sorry it didnít work out.

You are overanalysing this. Itís just statistics, most dates doesnít go past the one. She didnít ghost because of something you did but because she is a coward. Wait a week and give it One last shot - but keep your expectations in check.

Good luck with the gym and the quitting of smokes.
MaleIntuition is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What works best for you: online dating sites, hookup apps or hookup sites? swenann991 Dating 13 29th March 2019 7:41 PM
Ghosting with a twist (or just possibly same old ghosting) :( Tkuhn General Relationship Discussion 10 11th July 2017 4:07 PM
Great first date leads to can't stop thinking about her ironspider Dating 23 4th June 2016 2:17 PM
Was a Friend but then Hookup..Now how to get a 2nd hookup? BroknHrt Dating 5 21st January 2015 3:55 PM
First date was a disaster - help don Archive 2 16th July 2000 2:02 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:49 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.