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I don't know how to get out of this gigantic hole I've dug myself


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Old 14th April 2019, 11:14 PM   #1
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I don't know how to get out of this gigantic hole I've dug myself

I'm a man who has had very little dating success despite being objectively a pretty good catch - I am not ugly, I'm in shape, I am in a very strong position financially and I'm totally marriage/kids minded. I'm not too bad socially - I've had lots and lots of friends over the years. Most people who have gotten to know me have grown to like me quite a bit cause they know I'm a good loyal person at heart.


The problem is the confidence in other parts of my life has not transferred over. For many many years, I convinced myself that women were impossible and dating was totally hopeless...so I destroyed many many easy opportunities I had. Well I've finally snapped out of that hole of hopelessness but now, I don't get any natural dating opportunities anymore. I don't meet women through friends, work, school, church, etc... Trying to approach women at a bar, gym, store, whatever and getting a date out of it is just massively difficult. I approached this attractive girl at a bar two weeks ago, we talked for maybe 30 minutes and seemed to have great chemistry and a lot in common. So I texted her a bit and asked her out twice - 1st time she made an excuse and today she didn't respond. So frustrating considering I know she's in the market and we seemed to have a great time (when I asked her out - she said sure and gave me her number instantly and even called me).


Honestly what it comes down to is women and men are very different. Men see a hot girl somewhere and are ready to go. Most women aren't willing to give a man a chance unless they've interacted with them quite a bit. Their attraction is such an incredibly slow process that, if you don't meet them through daily routine, the difficulty curve to even get it started is just massive. I'm a pretty decent looking guy - I workout, I dress very nice, I regularly get compliments for looking good and here's the real kicker here - I've gone out with all sorts of good looking, beefy, athletic, very successful, masculine etc... men and they've struggled huge in the night scene also. I've found 1 guy who was able to do well with approaching random women and he was borderline male model status. Literally you have to be top 0.1% of men to get dates nowadays it seems like. The regular top 10% is irrelevant. I've gone out with my best friend who is 5'11 210 lbs 6% bodyfat, all American good looks, 10 million net worth and he has gotten nothing from the night scene either. I've gone out with dozens of men I would say are easily in top 5-10% of general public and they all struggled big time with approaching women. We go after decent looking women around 22-32. We're not approaching supermodels.


Online dating for me is worthless also. The quality of women I want (cute, athletic, no kids, 22-32, quality personality, well spoken and intelligent) are receiving 800 million messages a day and I have no chance there of making anything happen.


I'm so mad at myself for not converting my earlier opportunities. I had multiple very cute and quality girls in college that I could have gotten with and eventually married but my confidence was so crippled that I destroyed it all. Well, I can't change the past now so what the hell do I do moving forward?
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Old 14th April 2019, 11:54 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Tearsdontfall7 View Post
I'm a man who has had very little dating success despite being objectively a pretty good catch - I am not ugly, I'm in shape, I am in a very strong position financially and I'm totally marriage/kids minded. I'm not too bad socially - I've had lots and lots of friends over the years. Most people who have gotten to know me have grown to like me quite a bit cause they know I'm a good loyal person at heart.
Well, I can't change the past now so what the hell do I do moving forward?
Just some thoughts. You seem frustrated like I was not long ago. I messed up with a couple women I was crazy about. I would meet a woman and immediately start fantasizing about what a cool girlfriend she would be.
This was my problem. On dates I had no confidence and women pick up on this subconsciously. I was emitting a boyfriend/relationship vibe on dates. I was trying to prove myself to be a good man for a relationship. And got rejected.

What I'm saying is that the dating scene has changed, evolved.
When you interact with a woman instead of hoping she'll like you, go with the attitude of "I hope I'll like HER." Get these women off the pedestal! They don't belong there. YOU do!
You have a hard time approaching women because you still lack confidence. Deep down you still don't believe you're a good catch.
You seem preoccupied with getting into a relationship. Most men get into a relationship because they can't handle being alone. ("Woe is me. Frank and Bob seem so happy with their gorgeous girlfriends and here I am all alone 🙁.")
Most men get into relationships also to ensure easy access to sex. Instead of trying to score new sex it's easier to hit up the current girlfriend because she's already "in".

You are oozing the flop sweat of desperation and women can sense this.

Remember how I said dating has changed and evolved? From my personal experience most women just want sex. If they want a relationship they don't tell me that. You have to adjust your expectations to 2019.
We are officially in the 'hook up' culture. Again, from my experience, and I'm in Los Angeles, most women will want to have a NSA sex several times with the guy and then decide if they want a relationship later on.
I know it sounds sleazy but Larry Dallas on Three's Company was way ahead of his time.
Believe you are the good catch you say you are here. Get confident. Your body language will be confident too. Women will sense that also.

Lastly, please stop making your pursuit of a relationship your main goal in life. What are you passionate about? What have you always dreamed of accomplishing in life? Go for it. A woman you are into may wanna hang out for awhile.
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Old 15th April 2019, 1:03 AM   #3
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Try to stay positive friend.

It's not uncommon for a man to have all areas of his life together, aside from finding a relationship. You're not alone.

What area of the country are you living in? I guess I should also ask, are you in the USA?

The above poster is spot in. Try not to be outcome dependent. You should also screen women and realize you are the prize.
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Old 15th April 2019, 1:26 AM   #4
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Remember how I said dating has changed and evolved? From my personal experience most women just want sex. If they want a relationship they don't tell me that. You have to adjust your expectations to 2019.
Quote:
most women will want to have a NSA sex several times with the guy and then decide if they want a relationship later on.
As a woman in my early 30s who is marriage-minded, I do not think you will find a quality woman with this sort of attitude. Maybe I'm being judgmental, but if you want a serious relationship, I doubt you're going to find it with women that just want to ride you a couple of times before deciding further about relationship goals.

I do agree, though, that if you feel desperate or hopeless for a woman that this may subconsciously leak through your body language or interactions.

When you mention you are on the "night scene" looking for ladies, what does that mean? Where are you trying to meet them? Can you join a Meetup group or some other kind of group that might be a part of your hobbies? This way you can get to know many different women casually who already share an interest of yours without the "pressure" of it being a date, and if you click you can ask them out.
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Old 15th April 2019, 2:28 AM   #5
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Don't worry , the whole old thing is just a myth for most women too , l think guys go round building this up and shooting themselves in the foot while they're at it, dunno why the hell, l really don't.
Read women here over and over 100s of times, at the end of the day they have just as harder time finding that someone as we do believe me.
And every woman l met back when told all the same stories. Maybe they just have to kick more toads outa the way than we do though.
But funny , you talk about wealth a lot.
I drove a very expensive car for a few years, l'm not loaded by any means and l'm not interested in pretending to be , but l'd just always wanted this car. l had zero concern what effect it might have on ladies , l was married and couldn't have cared less , but l did just notice.
None , if anything , they looked the other way when l'd pull up somewhere, one or two might stare , but it was nothing like at different stages back when l drove bombs and would've looked broke, never had a problem getting plenty of looks from hotties.
So anything money l concluded , is a weird thing with women and doesn't necessarily mean Jack.
Matter of fact l think it could be very intimidating to most.

Personally l think this confident thing preached all over the internet is highly highly over rated too.
People come with a billion different personalities, male and female. Matter of fact l often find confident people too in your face and a pain in the ass, especially well off ones, this could be happening with the ladies for you and maybe why you did better before. A bit of humilty goes a long long way.
l'd think add the wealth and it's back to intimidation amd just looking a bit too much, or too like a big shot in many cases, big turn off.

Last edited by chillii; 15th April 2019 at 2:30 AM..
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:14 AM   #6
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You are oozing the flop sweat of desperation and women can sense this.

Remember how I said dating has changed and evolved? From my personal experience most women just want sex. If they want a relationship they don't tell me that. You have to adjust your expectations to 2019.
We are officially in the 'hook up' culture. Again, from my experience, and I'm in Los Angeles, most women will want to have a NSA sex several times with the guy and then decide if they want a relationship later on.
I know it sounds sleazy but Larry Dallas on Three's Company was way ahead of his time.
Believe you are the good catch you say you are here. Get confident. Your body language will be confident too. Women will sense that also.

Lastly, please stop making your pursuit of a relationship your main goal in life. What are you passionate about? What have you always dreamed of accomplishing in life? Go for it. A woman you are into may wanna hang out for awhile.

I don't come across as desperate. I actually come across as plenty confident

but here's my main point - even if you do a great job and you're pretty damn good looking, getting dates from women from a 1 time interaction is very hard. Women's attraction is such a slow process that they mostly want to meet somebody from social circle and other part of their natural life. They're really not open to dating a guy they met at a gym or bar unless he's a male model

I don't meet women in my daily routine so I'm basically ***ked

as far as your other comments go, my life is absolutely perfect. I have a job making big money that I really enjoy that's super easy. I have tons and tons and tons of awesome friends, great lifestyle, great family. There is nothing else for me to improve on as far as the rest of my life goes but i've wanted a girlfriend for 15 years now to no avail and it's never been harder than it is now.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 15th April 2019 at 7:29 PM.. Reason: quote edited
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:17 AM   #7
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My head with women is in the same place as yours, if company makes you feel any better....
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:18 AM   #8
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Try to stay positive friend.

It's not uncommon for a man to have all areas of his life together, aside from finding a relationship. You're not alone.

What area of the country are you living in? I guess I should also ask, are you in the USA?

The above poster is spot in. Try not to be outcome dependent. You should also screen women and realize you are the prize.

I live 30 minutes from Chicago


and I agree that you need to screen women but I don't get any opportunities with anybody date-able. I've had tons of women approach me but they're always over 30, in horrible shape (I work out 6 days a week), single moms, etc...
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:26 AM   #9
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Have you tried any of the advice you've gotten from this site over the years?

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Originally Posted by Tearsdontfall7 View Post
but here's my main point - even if you do a great job and you're pretty damn good looking, getting dates from women from a 1 time interaction is very hard. Women's attraction is such a slow process that they mostly want to meet somebody from social circle and other part of their natural life. They're really not open to dating a guy they met at a gym or bar unless he's a male model
As I've told you before, this simply isn't true. There is a reason why meeting your partner at a bar is a gigantic stereotype -- it's because it happens. I know a number of women who met their husbands at bars, and I myself met my husband at a bar.

Quote:
I don't meet women in my daily routine so I'm basically ***ked
Then the logical solution is to change your routine -- as has been suggested to you over and over again.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:53 AM   #10
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Be logical. If what you say is true, that it's so difficult for the vast majority of men, doesn't that mean the human race will become extinct? Do you not see men your age dating and having girlfriends? I do, I see plenty of young couples.
If you are a rational person, you must ask yourself if your assessment of the situation is wrong.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:00 AM   #11
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How old are you? If your "target" demographic is 22-32, then I hope you are younger than 35. Women in that age range don't tend to want to date guys in their 40's, for instance.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:10 AM   #12
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How old are you? If your "target" demographic is 22-32, then I hope you are younger than 35. Women in that age range don't tend to want to date guys in their 40's, for instance.
I'm 30

Ideally i want like a 27 28 year old
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:13 AM   #13
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Be logical. If what you say is true, that it's so difficult for the vast majority of men, doesn't that mean the human race will become extinct? Do you not see men your age dating and having girlfriends? I do, I see plenty of young couples.
If you are a rational person, you must ask yourself if your assessment of the situation is wrong.
99% of guys meet women via friends and daily routine

Cold approaching and online dating is only for top 0.1% of men. I'm telling you I've gone to bars with tons and tons of great looking men in awesome shape who were very likable and they got nothing from the night scene. The only guy I've ever seen do well is a borderline male model.

Women are tribal creatures. If you don't exist in their social circle, even if you're good looking and make a lot of money, you don't exist in their world

Last edited by Tearsdontfall7; 15th April 2019 at 10:16 AM..
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:19 AM   #14
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What about Meetup? Is that still a thing? Join some meetup groups and expand your social circle. It is spring time which means that people that are active will be getting outside and doing things. Find a way to get involved with a new circle of people and meeting new people.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:23 AM   #15
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What about Meetup? Is that still a thing? Join some meetup groups and expand your social circle. It is spring time which means that people that are active will be getting outside and doing things. Find a way to get involved with a new circle of people and meeting new people.

Honestly i don't know if i want any more friends. I barely have enough time to see everybody I care for now

As far as meetup goes, everybody I've asked about told me its mostly men and older women. Good looking, athletic 28 year old women have a million men interested in them. They're not going to any groups to find anybody. Men are destroying their doors to meet them
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