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Men make me sick to my stomach. Literally


golden.peach

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golden.peach

Before anyone gets offended, let me explain.

 

I'm straight, I love (manly) men, I got nothing against them as a whole. I've been single for a few months now, and I'm occasionally going out on ”dates”.

 

Why ”dates”? Because they are laid back, casual encounters; they aren't your typical fancy restaurant dates when you know you go out for a date.

 

I'm trying to keep an open mind about it - that's why I dated men ranging from early 20's to 50's (I'm almost 30 years old). I met some of them online, some of them were introduced to me by common friends, I met others in certain places etc. I went out with doctors, musicians, IT guys, 1%er bikers, engineers, designers - you name it.

 

I have never dated so extensively in my life, so maybe it's something more common than I'd think, but most of these men make me sick to my stomach after a while.

 

Initially, when we start talking, everything seems fine. We casually chat online for a few days, we laugh and have a good time, I'm not being flirty because I don't wanna mislead them in case there's no chemistry between us (by the way, I'm not uptight, but I'm not like ”I can't wait to kiss you/ hook up with you” either).

 

So, after a few days, one of us usually sets up a meeting. As I said, everything is very laid back, as I'm not a fan of forced things. It typically goes like ”I was invited at xxxxx, wanna join me? / I'm going out to a movie, wanna come?”.

 

And then, everything changes. I meet up with them, but I don't find them attractive as partners. Some of them proved out to be insane (one of them was bipolar and wanted to commit suicide shortly after our date), others were alcoholics, most of them had big self-esteem issues, some were very rude and selfish in real life.

 

I always come back home exhausted and disappointed. Sometimes, if they want something more, I'll tell them that it's better for us to remain friends, sometimes I simply show no interest in seeing them again. But here comes the part that bothers me the most: they won't cease.

 

They start bothering me all day long. Some feel like sharing they're **** ups, others tell me about their erectile dysfunctions and crappy sex lives (not that I'm asking for any details), they start whining and they become super clingy.

 

I'm aware that I reject them, but it seems the stronger the rejection is, the more interested they become. And it seems like the rejection turns them on, not me as a person, because they couldn't care less about me.

 

I just wanted to ask if this is normal when dating... I'm trying not to lose hope, even though I find a lot of this tiring.

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Sadly it's not atypical. As the saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Just keep trying. Remember with each bad match you are hopefully one step closer to a quality partner.

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You could consider pre-screening by only selecting people who are professionals or part of extracurricular clubs (on meetup for example) that you agree with. In that way you might save a little time not having to worry about the lower quality dates.

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Wallysbears

Hang in there. You've only been single for a few months. Enjoy being single and spend time with your girlfriends doing things that you enjoy.

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This is consistent with my experience dating - minus the men who won’t cease.

 

As they say, you have kiss a lot of frogs.

 

I would say your expectations are a little high if you expect these men to take you out for a nice dinner... that would be more reasonable to expect of someone you are actually “dating,” not for a first meeting.

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Maybe instead if telling them "let's be friends" say something that will let them know you don't want to see or hear from them again. Something like, "It was nice meeting you but I don't feel enough chemistry to go further. Have a great life." Then block them and move on. Don't be vague but direct about what you don't want.

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bathtub-row

Personally, I think online dating sucks. But to each his/her own. Having said that, you seem to be getting too close to these people way too soon. Going to a movie with other friends? Really? You don’t even know this person and you want to sit next to them in a dark room and introduce them to your friends? Don’t think for one second that you know anything about them until you’ve met them face-to-face, several times. Keep them at arms length until you’ve sussed things out better.

 

And, yes, there are a lot of odd people out there. You need to be aware of that and not act like it’s not a reality. Half the world is on some kind of drug or medication, have severe mental health problems, and/or other issues that a normal person simply can’t deal with. It’s not about being judgmental or cruel, it’s just a simple matter of fact - normal people cannot sustain a relationship with a dysfunctional person. Learn to weed out people you don’t resonate with. And, honestly, I wouldn’t even have lengthy conversations with them online. Just talk briefly, meet them, and go from there. Bottom line - establish better boundaries.

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golden.peach

I gotta say that I'm relieved to hear that other went trough similar experiences.

 

I'm not doing any online dating, I'm not using any dating app. When I said I meet them online, I meant on social media. I like to go out with them and not spend too much time talking online because nothing can replace real interaction.

 

The thing is, I always noticed red flags and backed up.

 

Just a recent example: I went out with a guy, he was pretty good looking, he had a great career in the IT field & was very intelligent, but as we were heading home (we live in the same area) he wanted to beat a homeless man that was sleeping. I got home, unfriended him and deleted his phone number. He kept texting me the following days, telling me that I shouldn't be upset over such incident. What on Earth was he thinking...

 

Probably it's my fault that I'm being friendly, but I'm doing it because I don't wanna offend them. I think I'll try to more blunt next time, if needed.

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golden.peach
Personally, I think online dating sucks. But to each his/her own. Having said that, you seem to be getting too close to these people way too soon. Going to a movie with other friends? Really? You don’t even know this person and you want to sit next to them in a dark room and introduce them to your friends? Don’t think for one second that you know anything about them until you’ve met them face-to-face, several times. Keep them at arms length until you’ve sussed things out better.

 

I don't introduce them to my friends. I'm not that silly, don't worry :p I would never go out with someone for the first time and meet up with my or his friends.

 

Also, I'm meeting them face-to-face because I think this is the best way to get to know someone. Most of the times, there isn't any second date, because of the red flags I notice.

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And then, everything changes. I meet up with them, but I don't find them attractive as partners. Some of them proved out to be insane (one of them was bipolar and wanted to commit suicide shortly after our date), others were alcoholics, most of them had big self-esteem issues, some were very rude and selfish in real life.

 

You're talking about online men mostly here. Yes OLD is the playground of the disordered, although there are good people who dabble in it.

 

I've met some messed up men but they don't make me sick. Makes me want to help them but I know I can't. OLD made me realize how many unhappy people there are out there. So I started volunteering at a suicide prevention center.

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Wow, you really have encountered some doozies. It's a cautionary tale for all those people here on LS who think they know their long distance relationship person well enough to move right in, isn't it? You just don't know until you meet them and know them a bit in person.

 

As for the ones who keep contacting, simply block them or tell them "I'm not interested in keeping up communication. Sorry." And then block them.

 

Get rid of ALL those.

 

I'm going to suggest you go ahead and join one of those background check places and just start background checking them before you go out too. You'd need their name and a name of a sibling or a partial address, I imagine, unless they had an unusual name.

 

I can't fault your online approach, with the no ramped up flirting. I think that's smart. No reason to flirt with someone you've never even met. They're just going to think, She flirts with guys she's never met.

 

So it's only a matter of time before you finally get a good one out of this bad batch. Be sure there's nothing in your social media or profiles that makes them think you'd be tolerant of addicts, alcoholics, and sidewinders. Make sure there's no statement that makes them that comfy you won't mind, like some statement like you love everyone or have empathy for everyone or feel sorry for everyone. Convey that you do have ethics and boundaries in a subtle way.

Good luck.

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bathtub-row

I think I misinterpreted what you meant when you wrote, “So, after a few days, one of us usually sets up a meeting. As I said, everything is very laid back, as I'm not a fan of forced things. It typically goes like ”I was invited at xxxxx, wanna join me? / I'm going out to a movie, wanna come?”.”

 

It seems that social media is no better than online dating. I have ceased friending people on Facebook that I don’t know. There’s no reason I can think of that I need to read the daily musings of someone I never met. I did it recently because this guy was on a like Facebook page. I had forgotten why I don’t add people to my Facebook page but he reminded me pretty quickly. And he just couldn’t take a hint so I unfriended him. As far as I can tell, the internet is the worst thing to ever happen to the dating scene.

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golden.peach

Doozies - I love that word!

 

Sadly, the background check isn't available where I live. The only thing I can do, and do it sometimes, is to browse their name on Google to see if anything pops-up (though it's mostly their Facebook or LinkedIn profiles, nothing much).

 

Also, keep in mind, these are the guys that seem OK at first :lmao::lmao: and then prove to be otherwise.

 

Also, what does OLD stands for? The acronym :) I'm not a native English speaker.

 

Thank you!

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Versacehottie

I think going out with guys you "know" from social media is probably mostly the same as the ones you would date from an online dating app. Basically they are strangers to you and you don't really "know" them. So it's kind of a gamble. Through social media it might narrow it down a bit if you have a real life mutual friend or similar interest. Other than that it's probably as random as online dating. Plus then you will be faced with the fact that if they have followed or creeped on your social media, they will have conjured up who they think you are based on that one dimension rather than what the real you is.

 

I think people can be persistent when you are not interested because they are trying to prove to themselves that they are worthy. I think maybe just be more clear that you are not interested in dating them and don't say anything about the friends thing. In that context, it probably gives them hope or the feeling that they just need another chance to win you over. Dating is somewhat of a numbers game so you do have to go through some people to find the right one--though you can get lucky and bump into the right one at any point. You just have to keep trying, refine and change up your efforts sometimes and back off when it brings you down or has you discouraged. I'd say it's really important to give attention to your friends and hobbies because often the best love stories come out of something surrounding those things.

 

BTW, your english is really good for a non-native speaker :) Good luck

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todreaminblue

im not a fan of keep trying when i feel sick in the guts...and yes I have had exactly your problem...i have chosen not to go on dates unless i really feel something and know the guy well....because it isnt about the dating for me its about finding someone to share my life with and for me to eventually share their life in a permanent monogamous relationship....i would rather not risk me feeling sick dating random guys i dont know who i dont really care for and who dont really care for me....seems pointless and toxic to what I want to really find in love and life....i wont look for a date....if i do find my guy to date it will be purely organic from knowing a guy well..and wanting to know that guy more on an intimate one on one basis.....if just wanted to go on adate i would take my sons or daughters to a movie or cook them a nice dinner...which i do.............deb.......

Edited by todreaminblue
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People who use social media extensively may lack social skills. Block these people once you hear of any drama/negativity. I have been there. When you feel ill it is your body's way of saying this is not for you. Plus asking on here shows you are not happy. Look after number one.

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salparadise

Don't generalize a few experiences into an overall conclusion. The fact is that there are all types on the dating apps as well as walking around in real life. You have to read between the lines and learn to cull the crazies before you let'em inside your hula hoop. And it's not any different for men...

 

Last week I agreed to meet a woman for a drink downtown. I could tell that something was a little off. To make a long story short, I waited 30 minutes and left. I ended up having to block her, but her texts were still getting through so I had to block her at the system level through my provider. The one time I decide to take a chance and she turns out to be a complete whacka-doodle.

 

But to provide some balance... I met a woman downtown one other time without knowing much and it turned out that she was the sister of the judge that presided over my divorce! Prominent family, totally sophisticated.

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l had to try very hard not to start hating women when l joined a date site after being divorced . lt'd been so long and a million times l thought wth has happened to women in the last 22 years.

Gone were the happy carefree pretty girls l use to meet back in 20s and 30s, just gone.

All of the above in stuff you mentioned , and more.

 

l'm very very selective though and in time l discovered they weren't all like that now , you can still find that special one , they are still around.

But your not being selective , your going out with just anyone .

That's a crazy range of men to have been meeting , there;s nothing alike or suited to you in any of it, no pattern , it's just aimless.

So l'm not surprised you've had the run you've had, and you've only been single a few mths , why are you doing it ?

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BettyDraper

Taking a break from dating could be healing for you. It doesn't sound like you're enjoying it very much.

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If you're meeting people that you have 'met' online, in whatever way, it is best not to meet up straight away. I know you say this is a good thing but actually it isn't. I have found the best way is to engage in chat online for a little while, a few days. It is surprising how people's attitudes come out after a few chats. All of a sudden you find out that a guy has extreme attitudes or gets angry about something bizarre. Then, you realise it is best not to meet after all.

 

I think part of the problem is you are rushing into meeting them without checking them first. Give them a little time to show their nature online and you will pretty quickly find out who you should not meet at least.

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Yep fully agree. l see a lot of stuff with people saying the quicker you meet the better , each to their own l suppose.But l found the exact opposite for me and taking my time was by far the smartest way to go, saved me a whoooooole lotta trouble.

You find things out, in a day, a few, talked to some a wk, more, but there it would come, and suddenly the writing was on the wall, don't waist my time. l only went to meet 3, but they were the pick of the crop and exactly who l would go for as far as l could tell so far. l live with one of them now.

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When I was dating I found that meeting quickly was the best course of action. But I always kept my expectations limited to: can I have a good conversation with this woman? I knew that the majority of them would turn out as no or low chemistry. But I needed to meet them in person to make that decision. Worked out great for me. I was pretty good at screening for my expectations. The only time it didn't work was an exception I made for a redhead with two PhD's in genetics. She was dull in text and on the phone but I figured we could have a good conversation with a background like that. Um no. It was like talking to a mannequin. Go figure.

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I only read your initial post, but I think it has to do with the guys you're picking. A woman only needs to express to me one time she's not interested and she will never hear from me again, ever.

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toomanyquestions123

I can relate to this post big time. MEN make me sick a lot. I have been dating guys for two years after my last relationship. Sometimes, when I'm getting ready for the date, i would be crying while putting my make up or something. I feel like every man has some sort of a mental illness or a redflag. I am tired of them, i have dated a lot and i tried to be alone and not to date for a while. But every guy i dated in those 2 years was a disappointment. I just feel like i have to ignore some redflags and bad personality trait if i dont want to end up alone. Like this guy who gets his **** together, who is normal and fun does not exist. The one im dating now is perfect on papers, but his high self-esteem and his narcissisim that i already detected are suffocating me; the whole time we talk he is talking about how much obsessed i will be with him because he will treat me just right.

 

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince. If you are sick of men, how about you take a break from dating and focus on other stuff ? like a new hobby, gym, solo trip, trying new restaurants, read books, get a new pet.. I feel tired of dating too.

 

Clingy behaviors post-dates is what i noticed also. I block them immediately after clarifying that its not gonna work and they still try to ask me out again. NO SHAME.

Edited by toomanyquestions123
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