Is he slow, or not interested??

[elastica]

Hey Everyone,

 

I haven`t been here for a couple of years, however I am now having a small emotional meltdown and have no one to turn to. Please, please read my story below if you can, I desperately need some advice from good-hearted people.

 

After being single for 5+ years I finally met someone I really like. I was not attracted to him initially, although I did think he was cute. I did not entertain the idea, mainly because of the age gap – I am in my mid-thirties and he in his late twenties.

 

Running into him at work quite often and getting to know him better, I started liking him and felt mutual attraction. We started flirting and he hinted at going out together sometime, but there was no actual invitation. I thought he must be very shy because he acted clumsy and nervous around me, which I enjoyed and flirted with him more. One day I casually asked him if he could help me with some men`s work inside my house to which he replied yes. I did not know whether he was serious or not, however he texted me the same day, asking when to come over. A few days later he came to my place and fixed the thing in question which took him about an hour to do.

 

He was very polite while being at my house and we had a good chat. Afterwards we went for a long walk. He was very nice, gave me his jacket to wear and put his arm around me. He also said some things I thought were a bit weird, like “let`s buy a house together” and such – I simply thought he was too into me and said these things without thinking. Two hours later I politely asked him to go home as it was getting very late. I think he wanted to kiss me but I kind of turned my head away. He asked if he could come around another time to make a dinner for me and I said yes. After he left, I felt a bit overwhelmed, probably due to spending too much time together and because of the things he said (basically making a lot of plans together with me, joking that he wants to move in with me). He did seem genuinely into me, a bit on the shy side and despite the age difference I thought he was very mature.

 

A week later he came over to my place again, this time to make dinner (he lives with housemates). After dinner we kissed for an hour or so but nothing else happened. When he put his hand on my leg, under my skirt, I asked him not to and he kept apologizing. I thought he was cute and innocent. When we said goodbye he said “I like you, A LOT”, “I will stick around, if you want me”, “will you be my princess” and such. To me this is a huge turn-on. I asked him why he liked me and he said because I was “kind, smart, down-to-earth and very hot”. We arranged another date for a few days later, but it got cancelled due to him catching a cold and not feeling well. This was six days ago. He apologized and said we will arrange something soon.

 

Four days ago we saw each other at work, but only for a few minutes. While I was talking to him, my boss approached me with a box of chocolates and takeaway coffee, saying “this is for you, to say thank you”. I turned to my crush and jokingly said “you see how Mr Boss treats me, and from you I get nothing!” Later that day he sent me a bunch of text messages, saying he wants to have dinner and cuddle again. I simply ignored this message because I was getting slightly annoyed that he was not making actual plans for us to go out.

 

Since then, we have been texting a little back-and-forth, but a date has still not been set. His texting has definitely decreased, two weeks ago he was texting me a lot more than in the last couple of days.

 

Can you guess where am I going with this?

 

I really like this guy, I just cannot help it!

 

I have suddenly noticed younger girls at work staring at him and talking about him, even asking me about him after seeing us together. One of my younger colleagues actually told me she has a huge crush on him. Meanwhile, I am going crazy because I don`t know what is happening. It has been six days since our date got postponed, and ten days since our dinner-date. I was expecting him to arrange another date as soon as possible.

 

I like him a lot but he is either being way too slow, or just not that into me. So which one is it??

 

Please, please offer your honest advice. Thanks so much!!

[smackie9]

I bet money on it he's just thinking about plowing you, and not much more. If you were smart you would back off and not get involved with someone you work with. Just think about it...so you date for a bit and you find out he's been smashing one of the girls at work? How would you feel then, seeing him carrying on with her in front of you everyday?

He doesn't want to date you proper, he wants to have sex. Since you ignored his request to "cuddle" (have sex possibly) at your place...he's taking it as a no.

Edited April 10, 2019 by smackie9

[elastica]

I bet money on it he's just thinking about plowing you, and not much more. If you were smart you would back off and not get involved with someone you work with. Just think about it...so you date for a bit and you find out he's been smashing one of the girls at work? How would you feel then, seeing him carrying on with her in front of you everyday?

 

Hey, thanks for replying.

 

I did think about this and decided to go ahead anyway. I am not going to not date someone I genuinely like just because we happen to work in the same building.

[smackie9]

You ignored his text to hang out again....he's taking that as "no I'm not interested." That's why he's backed off.

[preraph]

I think if you want him to take you on dates, you have to tell him that. To him, making dinner felt like a date. So you should just ask him, What do you like to GO OUT and do? I don't think he's only after sex, but that's certainly going to be a big part of it. And because of that, if other girls at work chase him, he'll likely go along for the ride, so you better sit and talk about what each other wants.

[ExpatInItaly]

Since you ignored his request to "cuddle" (have sex possibly) at your place...he's taking it as a no.

 

That's how I am reading it, too.

[BC1980]

I think you're sending mixed messages. Just let him know you'd like to go out again.

[chillii]

l dunno what he wants but you ignored he's message to go out again, and you said that stuff in front of your boss to him., not a smart one that move.

He's probably been trying to make sure it looks like there's nothing going on at work ever since for starters.

[Mrin]

That's how I am reading it, too.

 

100% right. He saw this as a date rejection. Many men dont differentiate between a night out and a night in. They're both the same except that we *think* a night in is more likely to lead to sex - when usually the opposite is true - in terms of long term sex.

[Youngestdaughter]

Yeah, Honey, you're going to have to make it clear as the Alabama sky exactly what you want, when and how. And, if I may be so bold to offer further advice, the joke about your boss? No more of those. Men are generally more literal creatures anyway. This one seems particularly skittish. I could be wrong. Although I am the dating guru among all the single girls I know. And my calls are usually pretty good. But I think this guy is crazy about you and is ready to get serious as soon as you tell him it's OK. Again, could be wrong, but I also think you will always have to be the one holding the reins. But those aren't deal breakers when you really like the guy. So, buy some tickets to a concert. Tell him when and where you're going and, well, you don't need my advice on the rest.

[whitesnow7213]

I don't think that he looking only for sex, he really likes you. In any case, it looks like, according to your story. But maybe he is just confused or misunderstood you and now thinks that you are not interested in serious relationships. I think you need to clarify this situation and tell him directly that you don't mind to date with him again.

[Rocker71]

It doesn't seem like he only wants sex. It looks as though he is timid about making the move now because you told him not to go any further when you were kissing and he had his hand under your skirt.

 

He may be thinking that you only want to spend time with him out doing something and not really attracted to him any further than that. You may have to help him along with getting more intimate when alone together. If you like him like you say you do why not you suggest getting together.

Him saying he wants to "cuddle again" is his way of beating around the bush (no pun intended) asking if you're down for sex. Help him out. He doesn't seem like a very experienced dater.

 

If you don't do something I'm sure one of the other girls will be more clear about what they want from

him

Edited April 12, 2019 by Rocker71

[elastica]

Hey Everyone,

 

Thank you very much for your comments and advice. I wanted to give you a little update on what`s been happening since my first post a week ago.

 

So after a little bit of flirty texting back and forth, I asked him if he was free to meet up this week. I suggested a day when I knew he was free. Well, it did not get any further than that because he ignored my message and only replied four days later with something completely irrelevant (regarding his workout routine).

 

We continued texting (not a lot though), however, the tone of his messages changed and he is being more indifferent now. While he used to blow up my phone with texts like good morning princess, how are you beautiful and even I miss you with a shy emoji face next to it, and he would also leave cute voicemails, now his texts are short and cold, and he actually called me lazy a couple of times. I have no idea what is up with that.

 

Yes, I still like him and want to see him again, although I think he is now either playing mind games with me, or maybe has a girlfriend and is benching me, or is simply not interested and keeps messaging me out of politeness. I have no idea.

 

I could be wrong but my gut feeling is telling me that he likes me and is playing mind games.

 

Perhaps he is upset because I was not as affectionate as him when we started seeing each other? I cannot help it, I simply cannot jump into things too quickly. Maybe he is trying to make me lose my cool somehow? Does he want me to chase him? Is it an ego-boost knowing I wanted to see him while he has no intention to see me? Of course I am slowly losing attraction because of this which is a shame because I do like him and think he is a great guy.

 

Any ideas on how to make him drop the act?

 

Thanks again for all your comments.

[TheFinalWord]

He's a young guy. Sorry, but he isn't going to get that serious with you. He may have felt that way in the moment, but it was likely just a crush on an older woman at the moment that was fleeting.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I think he's enjoying/enjoyed the attention from you. The comments he used to make like 'princess' 'lets buy a house together' are words (in my experience) that a guy will use to butter you up for bed. Men who genuinely like you are usually more cautious about saying things like that because they don't need to use words to flatter you but instead they actually SHOW their interest by EFFORT and CONSISTENCY.

Example: having dinner made for him at your home for a date is not showing effort. He got a free meal. A guy who wants to actually date you will take you out to dinner, or plan an activity date. He will want to impress you. This guy was happy to get a free meal and hang out with a pretty woman.

 

He sees you weren't keen to being more physical when you had that hour long kissing session, so he's backed off and has dropped the Mr. Nice Guy act. He's not planning a date. He didn't even acknowledge that you extended the invitation recently, instead he ignored it for several days and changed the topic. You asked if he wants you to chase him. Honey, you never need or should have to chase a guy. That's my number one rule I've learned in all my dating experience. A guy who wants to see you, date you, talk to you, will do whatever it takes to make that happen. It's actually so easy, you don't have to do anything because he will make sure that he does it.

When he canceled after that time you spent together on April 4 (if I did the math correctly) and has not made a plan to see you again, I'm sorry but there is your answer.

 

It IS confusing when a guy comes on strong and affectionate then backs off. It just means he was enjoying the attention/ego boost, wanted sex and you didn't go for it, and/or he is pursuing someone else.

 

I wonder why a woman in her mid-thirties would even be interested in a guy under 30 anyway. I'm around your age and I would never entertain that idea. A crush, maybe, but to date? No way. I think you should let the other girls in your office have him

Edited April 17, 2019 by littlebridge

[preraph]

I wouldn't go out with a guy who called me lazy ever again, pretty sure. Be careful what you wish for. He doesn't sound that great and he probably is a petty retaliatory bitter type, so just move on be glad you dodged that bullet. Now it won't be too awkward at work like it would have been if there was more to it. Stop texting him! That's pathetic! He ignored your invitation for four days. Have some dignity!

[stillafool]

He's a young guy. Sorry, but he isn't going to get that serious with you. He may have felt that way in the moment, but it was likely just a crush on an older woman at the moment that was fleeting.

 

I agree with this. He's a young guy and was probably hot for you a few weeks back but with all the young girls crushing on him and probably more outside of work he's got too many options and a short attention span.

[bachdude]

I'm thinking in his own mind he got mixed messages and an ultimate rejection.

 

It seems he got your hint about not setting another date when your boss gave you chocolates so he sent a bunch of texts about wanting to see you and you didn't respond. Sure, in your mind it wasn't a specific date invitation but my guess is he thought of it as such and took your lack of response as a big NO.

 

When you asked him out my guess is he thought it was just as friends or you being fickle.

 

My sense is you'd like a guy who is a little more assertive anyway, who knows what he wants and isn't discouraged so easily. This one is a little bit passive. Both of your expectations on how the whole dating dynamic should work didn't jive and here we are.

 

Perhaps you two aren't compatible.

[elastica]

I think he's enjoying/enjoyed the attention from you. The comments he used to make like 'princess' 'lets buy a house together' are words (in my experience) that a guy will use to butter you up for bed. Men who genuinely like you are usually more cautious about saying things like that because they don't need to use words to flatter you but instead they actually SHOW their interest by EFFORT and CONSISTENCY.

Example: having dinner made for him at your home for a date is not showing effort. He got a free meal. A guy who wants to actually date you will take you out to dinner, or plan an activity date. He will want to impress you. This guy was happy to get a free meal and hang out with a pretty woman.

 

He sees you weren't keen to being more physical when you had that hour long kissing session, so he's backed off and has dropped the Mr. Nice Guy act. He's not planning a date. He didn't even acknowledge that you extended the invitation recently, instead he ignored it for several days and changed the topic. You asked if he wants you to chase him. Honey, you never need or should have to chase a guy. That's my number one rule I've learned in all my dating experience. A guy who wants to see you, date you, talk to you, will do whatever it takes to make that happen. It's actually so easy, you don't have to do anything because he will make sure that he does it.

When he canceled after that time you spent together on April 4 (if I did the math correctly) and has not made a plan to see you again, I'm sorry but there is your answer.

 

It IS confusing when a guy comes on strong and affectionate then backs off. It just means he was enjoying the attention/ego boost, wanted sex and you didn't go for it, and/or he is pursuing someone else.

 

I wonder why a woman in her mid-thirties would even be interested in a guy under 30 anyway. I'm around your age and I would never entertain that idea. A crush, maybe, but to date? No way. I think you should let the other girls in your office have him

 

Thanks for this comment, I guess you are right.

 

I guess I am looking for excuses - he is shy, inexperienced with women, he wants me and is infatuated by me. It is nice to receive attention from a smart, handsome guy. Maybe I got carried away. And apparently, girls in their twenties chase like they are getting paid for it, so he might consider it the norm. Of course this does not mean I should or would chase, it is really not my thing anyway. This is exactly why it was so difficult for me to ask him out via text message. I was just saying, he might actually expect it because he never had to do it before.

 

Anyway, just to clarify what happened on dinner-date at my place and the "free meal" he got - actually it was not free. He went shopping before dinner and bought all ingredients as well as plenty of other items, he also arrived with a lot of little gifts (more food and little things he bought on a very recent trip abroad). So he did invest into dinner and basically cooked and brought so much food for me that I did not have to do grocery shopping for a couple of days. Personally I appreciated this more than going out to some mediocre restaurant, but that`s just me - I really like home cooked food!

 

Let me add one more thing. Comparing him to others his age, he definitely looks and behaves much, much older. He is in a senior position that most people would get to in their forties or fifties, a very demanding job with huge responsibilities, I guess there is a reason for that. He does not hang out with people his age either. I guess he is just a very mature person. Honestly, when we interact I do not feel there is an age difference between us. He seems more mature and intelligent than any of my former partners who were all 5-8 years older than me. Believe me, I wasn`t going around looking for a guy in his twenties, but it happened. And although it is not working out at the moment, I am glad it did.

[elastica]

I'm thinking in his own mind he got mixed messages and an ultimate rejection.

 

It seems he got your hint about not setting another date when your boss gave you chocolates so he sent a bunch of texts about wanting to see you and you didn't respond. Sure, in your mind it wasn't a specific date invitation but my guess is he thought of it as such and took your lack of response as a big NO.

 

 

This is why I suggested we see each other this week. But he either lost interest or is playing games (since he is still texting me). Either way, you are right in saying we might not be compatible.

[elastica]

Thank you very much for all your comments!

 

I guess the consensus is that I should just forget about him and stop trying and hoping, right?

[stillafool]

We've given you our opinions. The decision is yours to make.

[TheFinalWord]

I agree with this. He's a young guy and was probably hot for you a few weeks back but with all the young girls crushing on him and probably more outside of work he's got too many options and a short attention span.

 

He may not have tons of options, but young people in their 20s change their minds, lose crushes pretty quickly. They're young and trying to figure out what they like.

 

I date mostly mid/late 20-year old women and I don't get attached. I know she's not mine, it's just my turn. Now, maybe every once in a while I'll find a woman in that age range that knows what they want. But I find that's more common in a woman (knows at a young age she wants marriage/kids and is looking for a guy that wants the same), than men. Most 20-year old men are not even thinking about long-term anything with women.

 

Hint for OP: if a guy is coming to your house, that's code for sex. He probably thought that was going to happen. Since it didn't, he lost interest. And that's okay. If you have feelings and all he wanted was sex, and you gave it to him that night, you would be going through a lot more heart break. You dodged a bullet. If you're not just looking for casual or interested in building something real, which I think is a good choice, then you'll need to date men probably 5-7 years older than you.

Edited April 17, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[spiderowl]

If he's an attractive young guy, he probably has lots of options. It seems he liked you and thought sex would follow but it didn't. There is no reason why it should of course.

 

Saying something in front of your boss was not a good idea. It makes your interest in him public and could have been embarassing for him. It's not very professional basically.

 

I would be cautious with this guy. I know he is not responding well now but you did ignore his messages earlier and so you are both giving each other mixed messages.

 

He may just be looking for casual sex. If you do work this out between you, I would not have him at your home but only go on a date with him if he is taking you out as his date. If he was hoping for secret sex with you at your house, then he will have to think again if he knows you expect to go out and be seen in public. I suspect that is the way you will find out whether he saw you as relationship material or a secret affair.

[Inspire]

Dating someone at work can be a risky endeavor. If things don't work out it can create an awkward situation. I am not saying don't ever do it, just exercise caution.

 

I understand why you were upset that he wasn't making plans to go out, but you could have just as easily flipped the script and said: "instead of staying in, why don't we go out somewhere".

 

Regardless, I don't think this is headed anywhere serious and it wasn't because of something you did.