Relationship/separation anxiety

[Blackheart1999]

Hello, I’m 20 and I’m currently with my boyfriend of 5 months but also talking about the same thing that happened with my previous and first boyfriend of 1 and a half years.

I don’t know if it is relationship anxiety as such but ever since getting in my first relationship, i literally struggle to cope when I’m not with my boyfriend (not like within hours I’m talking a day or two plus), I feel so sick and anxious, constantly worrying where he is what he’s doing, it makes me physically sick sometimes, or so sick and off that I just can’t eat it’s pathetic

 

I suffer from anxiety and depression anyway, I’m on meds as it is which helped me get my life back together but this relationship anxiety stuff just doesent go away, my boyfriend is on holiday now, thing is he does text me and says he misses me, calls me texts me now and again when he’s out etc. But I still can’t just be happy, felt so sick at work today and anxious they sent me home. He’s only gone a week and I was looking forward to just chill and have time to myself.

 

This week has just been awful and I don’t really know what it is or how to stop it. I literally feel so sick and anxious I can’t eat, and so miserable and teary it’s driving me mad.

Just wondering if anyone has/had anything like this

[shydad]

I feel so sick and anxious ... I just can’t eat it’s pathetic ... Just wondering if anyone has/had anything like this

Hi Blackheart1999, you are not pathetic at all. I'm pretty sure this is not that uncommon. I have felt this way as well, to some degree. I have a very strong desire to spend all of my available time with my sweetheart. If we can't be together, I have wanted constant attention from her. However, I knew early on that this isn't normal. I've held off on harassing her, but explained the situation. She spends more time with me now, and there are always some texts each day and a phone call. I also show a lot of self restraint. It's been working well so far. My suggestion is that you talk with him about it. Come up with a plan where you have a good balance of contact but restraint.

 

I was guessing that the anxiety is that you want to be with him but can't. Was I right, or is it something else, like you're worried about him cheating on you or something?

[mortensorchid]

Unfortunately for a lot of us, we often times think of our first relationship and how easy everything was. It was just a good time and there was no talk about commitments and whatever else. Adult relationships are just that, adult relationships - eventually there will be fears and anxieties that we didn't have the first time around. And unfortunately ... Those factors come in because they are factors. But, we keep calm and carry on. Whatever will be will be.

[gradh]

Are you in therapy for your depression and anxiety? If not, I highly recommend you start. It's one thing to miss your boyfriend when he's away for a few days, it's another to be so sick over it you have to get sent home from work. You may need a medication change or increase.

 

This kind of neediness for one's partner can sometimes drive that partner away. For your own sake, get some help.

[ExpatInItaly]

I will echo gradh's question, are you also in therapy for your anxiety? You might find it very helpful to get the insight of a professional in managing your fears.

 

I would also ask yourself what exactly you're afraid of, and why. Are you worried he will cheat on you? If so, why? Is this coming from low self-esteem, or something him or a previous partner has done to betray your trust?

[Blackheart1999]

Hi Blackheart1999, you are not pathetic at all. I'm pretty sure this is not that uncommon. I have felt this way as well, to some degree. I have a very strong desire to spend all of my available time with my sweetheart. If we can't be together, I have wanted constant attention from her. However, I knew early on that this isn't normal. I've held off on harassing her, but explained the situation. She spends more time with me now, and there are always some texts each day and a phone call. I also show a lot of self restraint. It's been working well so far. My suggestion is that you talk with him about it. Come up with a plan where you have a good balance of contact but restraint.

 

I was guessing that the anxiety is that you want to be with him but can't. Was I right, or is it something else, like you're worried about him cheating on you or something?

 

Hello, I don’t know what the anxiety is. It’s not at all about cheating or loyalty, completely trust him and regardless he’s on a family holiday so I don’t have that to worry about, idk maybe it’s having fun without me? Worrying he won’t want to see me when he’s back, realises I’m not that great I really don’t know?

[Blackheart1999]

I will echo gradh's question, are you also in therapy for your anxiety? You might find it very helpful to get the insight of a professional in managing your fears.

 

I would also ask yourself what exactly you're afraid of, and why. Are you worried he will cheat on you? If so, why? Is this coming from low self-esteem, or something him or a previous partner has done to betray your trust?

 

I’m not In therapy anymore because I’ve had so many counsellors and it’s never helped I just gave up, and no not at all that he’s going to cheat on me, it would make sense that it was my ex actions that have done this if it wasn’t for the fact I was also like this from day one with him? I guess I just want to be with him and maybe get jealous that he’s with other people etc having fun? The thing is I could deal with just those thoughts on my own it’s the lack of appetite and the nausea and the mood that stops me from living life

[shydad]

Hello, I don’t know what the anxiety is. ... Worrying he won’t want to see me when he’s back, realises I’m not that great I really don’t know?

You might want to take a look at attachment styles. The image linked below give the gist of what they are. It can help, as I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere between secure and preoccupied, which helps me with self-restraint. For you, knowing that these feelings are not based on anything he's done can be helpful. I'm sure he likes you a lot and thinks you're great, which is why he's your boyfriend!

 

https://images.app.goo.gl/N2tAiccFyfbF8rgC7

[d0nnivain]

At 5 months into a relationship a week apart should be nothing. You two haven't been together that long. You should be more separate & independent then intertwined.

 

I would suggest you keep searching for a good talk therapist to help you through this. You need to get to the root of all this anxiety & depression plus find ways to deal with it or you will be stuck masking the problems with meds for the rest of your life. You can't get your peace of mind from another person (the BF) or let another's short term absence affect you this severely.

 

I too suffer from anxiety & depression but through therapy I understand why. I have also done many things to cope with it. I tried mindfulness, mediation, deep breathing, yoga etc. What worked for me was reconnecting with my religion & prayer.

 

If you won't go back to therapy at least start reading various self help books about controlling your conditions & realigning your mindset.

[stillafool]

I’m not In therapy anymore because I’ve had so many counsellors and it’s never helped I just gave up, and no not at all that he’s going to cheat on me, it would make sense that it was my ex actions that have done this if it wasn’t for the fact I was also like this from day one with him? I guess I just want to be with him and maybe get jealous that he’s with other people etc having fun? The thing is I could deal with just those thoughts on my own it’s the lack of appetite and the nausea and the mood that stops me from living life

 

Have you ever been prescribed meds for your condition? What do the doctors tell you?

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. No one is perfect so relationship is perfect. Maybe there is something in your childhood that is affecting your relationship today? Maybe it can sound like a cliché however things happen for a reason. And I know from my experiences that sometimes we do not know how to handle suffering. Suffering is neither good nor bad. And if we embrace it we can allow our transformation into a better person. In spite of this situation let me tell you that you are important and valuable person and you are a person of worth of dignity. Have you considered seeking an adviser, church pastor or mentor that can listen to you? Please hang in there! Do not give up! Maybe you can take out the good of this situation that you have to deal with. Have you considered seeking Counseling or therapy? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worth of fighting for. Therapy is important because can help you to look for ways to overcome your anxiety and depression. Have you ever thought of seeking a higher being? Please let me tell you my friend that you are not alone in this battle. This list –ly are extremely important for you are going through: https://list.ly/list/1CE4-looking-up-from-the-stubborn-darkness. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend. Keep us posted, OK?.