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Iris The Butterfly

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Iris The Butterfly

I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and am just curious others' experiences with major milestones in the early stages of dating.

 

Last year at this time I was with someone who started backing out after the three month mark, he dragged it out for another 6 weeks, and finally ghosted me after 5 months with no warning. After many months of heartbreak and pain that I felt frozen in time, I met someone in early October who I've been seeing exclusively ever since.

 

One month: He told me he deleted his online profile (where we met), that he was very hopeful about us, really liked me, and didn't want anyone else to jeopardize that. I said I also really like him, but he will need to be patient with me since we're still just getting to know each other. He said, "that's ok, no rush". Come to find out, me not saying I was committing in return has been driving him crazy.

 

Told me he has told his mom about me, and that she is asking how things are going.

 

Two months: Asked for reassurance that I was no longer in communication with my ex from 2 years ago, I had casually mentioned in conversation we were still friendly and had been in recent contact. Ex lives across the country and I ended the relationship with him 2 years ago, but kept things civil. New guy said he didn't like it. I said if it came up again I would tell the ex that I'm involved with someone now and please respect that.

 

Called me his "girl", and referred to me as his "new girlfriend" when speaking to a friend about me. This guy isn't shy about using the word. Such a difference compared to the last guy I was in love with who introduced me as his "friend" after three months and ultimately said he didn't want a girlfriend right now.

 

Told me when he went back home for Christmas that his buddies were asking if there was anyone special in his life and he told them about me, and that he couldn't even tell them half the things he liked about me. Said I've stolen his heart.

 

Three months (Friday night): After a bout of insecurity when I didn't answer my phone a couple times in 2 hours, he admitted to me that he was insecure about whether I was talking to anyone else. He said he's been hurt before and didn't want to share me with anyone, and that if he wasn't so crazy about me he wouldn't be so affected by it, but he is. Apparently it had really been bothering him all this time. I hadn't said anything to him about being exclusive explicitly like he had, so I understand why he would feel uneasy. It seemed common sense that we were only seeing each other based on all the time we've spent and the connection, holidays, etc. He came right out and told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else and doesn't want me to be. If there was any doubt in my mind (there wasn't) that it was exclusive, that conversation was it. I think he made it official. I reassured him I'm not interested in dating anyone else, and he said that's what he's been wanting to hear. Lesson learned: don't explicitly commit to a guy you just started dating until he explicitly tells you and shows you he is committing too. I did it right this time, to the point that he was the one who brought up the exclusive talk.

 

Yet to come.... meeting the parents, saying I love you, having the "boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation.

 

In my past serious relationships, (not the guy I dated last year who ghosted me), all have asked for exclusivity no later than 3 months maximum by saying something along the same lines of "I don't want anyone else and I don't want you to be with anyone else." No gray area. All have specifically used the word "girlfriend" to refer to me to other people after if not specifically bringing up the conversation. Meeting the parents, I move slow... after 4 months. I love you..... maybe 3-6 months? How about having the "boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation? Is that the same as the 'exclusive' conversation?

 

What are your experiences/timeframes/comments in new relationships?

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There is no specific timeframe, I think it’s different in every relationship. I’ll still give you mine (been dating for 6 months) :

- 1st date : Beginning of July

- End of July : he tells me he can see himself in a relationship with me, but knows I’ve just came out of one, so doesn’t put any pressure.

- Mid August : I tell him I’ve deleted all dating apps and he’s the only one I’m talking to. He tells me it’s the same for him. So that counts as the « exclusivity talk »

- Mid September: I meet his family (but because of an unexpected situation, it wasn’t planned)

- End of September: He meets my family (planned)

- Mid December: I tell him that I’ve referred to us as a couple to someone. He says that we’re together that’s what we are, so it makes sense. That would be the « boyfriend/girlfriend talk »

- As of today: not « In a relationship » on FB because we both barely use it and don’t really see the point of putting it out there. No « I love you » yet, but I shows me in his actions, and I do the same

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This is all wrong. He jumped the relationship before you were ready and is coming off needy and insecure. You will dump him one day due to his beta behavior.

 

Notice the one guy who didn’t was the one you cared about so much? That’s because it was your idea, not his.

 

To do it right, YOU should be the one throwing labels on it. That’s feminine behavior...and very unattractive coming from a man.

 

I can sense your lack of respect for him due to his behavior.

 

Don’t worry about milestones. It’s not a pre determined plan.

 

Let things fold out naturally.

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To do it right, YOU should be the one throwing labels on it. That’s feminine behavior...and very unattractive coming from a man.

 

Really?! I’d rather the guy initiates that conversation and says « I love you » first than be the one to do it. I don’t find that unattractive at all.

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This is all wrong. He jumped the relationship before you were ready and is coming off needy and insecure. You will dump him one day due to his beta behavior. Notice the one guy who didn’t was the one you cared about so much? That’s because it was your idea, not his.

<snip>

 

This is not true at all. I've never been the one to start using labels in a relationship and have never said "I love you" first.

 

My current boyfriend (who I have always been VERY attracted to) took control of all that, and I followed his lead.

 

I don't know any woman who was crazy attracted to a man who didn't take the initiative of calling her his girlfriend.

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This is not true at all. I've never been the one to start using labels in a relationship and have never said "I love you" first.

 

My current boyfriend (who I have always been VERY attracted to) took control of all that, and I followed his lead.

 

I don't know any woman who was crazy attracted to a man who didn't take the initiative of calling her his girlfriend.

 

Well that means the guy is showing emotions, and feelings which are not an alphamale thing to do, so it’s unattractive... which I think is bullsh*t if you ask me ahah!

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Iris The Butterfly
This is all wrong. He jumped the relationship before you were ready and is coming off needy and insecure. You will dump him one day due to his beta behavior. Notice the one guy who didn’t was the one you cared about so much? That’s because it was your idea, not his <snip>

 

I think what you describe is the stuff that dating coaches online say to men and is BS. Every serious boyfriend that I've had has been the one to initiate the relationship talk and move things forward. The ones that don't do that disappear and considered me casual only. I find it very attractive and am not turned off by it at all. Going after what you want is one of the most attractive qualities in a man to me. One who hesitates is unattractive for an emotionally mature woman, in my view.

 

I felt insecure and uneasy with the guy who hesitated on committing. Turns out there was a reason for that, because he dipped with no warning.

 

And in this case, I think my guy waited a very reasonable amount of time for me to feel comfortable with going all in 100%.... three months is plenty, and I wasn't pressured at all. When he first brought it up the first month in, saying he wanted to only date me, he didn't demand that I answer and say the same, but respected that I needed some time to get on the same level. It took me about 2+ months to know that I could see myself with him long term and felt confident that he was boyfriend material by the things he did and said consistently over several months.

 

Women are also cautioned to never chase or progress things in a relationship, meaning don't ask where you stand or ask for labels because that comes off needy. When you have to ask, it's because you don't know. In my case, it's been communicated crystal clear. And that's what separates the boys from the men.

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Curiousroxy86

Best tip with men. Go with the flow. Let them initiate those major milestones like you did with this guy. Men that like you, love you, want to meet family, want to take trips, want to marry you will let you know. All you gotta do is say "yes I'd meet your parents, I love you too, yes I would love to travel with you, yes I'll marry you". If he keeps showing himself to be a worthy guy. I'm telling you men do what they want. Only thing you need to worry about initiating is asking for what you want (sweetly of course) that's not major relationship milestones (that's his job) because men can't read your mind and sometimes won't naturally give you what you want and communicating any boundaries in hopes to resolve any conflict and breaking up when he fail to resolve important conflicts with you or hit a deal breaker. Now I am a believer in timelines when it comes to these milestones Cause a guy can/will keep a chick around forever and get his needs met without giving her what she needs. But I wouldn't go too crazy with timelines because men are different. You should create a timeline thats realistic for men but also comfortable for you to be patient with.

 

I think it's reasonable to expect to be the girlfriend at 2-3 months

 

I think it's reasonable to look for him to initiate I love you (and you actually believe it lmao) in 6 months to a year

 

I think it's reasonable to look for him to have you meeting family 6 months to a year

 

I think it's reasonable to expect proposal you can take seriously (if that's what you want) 2-3 years. Some will argue one year. But I think it's foolish to decide to spend the rest of your life with someone you only known for a year because most people show true colors at two-three lmao.

 

These are reasonable max times to give a guy to get it together lol.

 

Now In my experience men have asked me

To be their girlfriend as early as 1-2 months and told me they loved me at 3 months but I don't trust it's true love lol. They was just crazy about me. But at the time they really believe it *shrugs*. Don't bank on I love yous unless a man is consistently treating you well six months + and keeps on treating you well I say.

 

A college ex asked me to be his girlfriend at 1 month told me he loved me end of first semester proposed at the end of the second semester *rolls eyes*. I met his parents but it was after we broke up so that don't count lol smh.

 

Um ex husband asked me to be his girlfriend on 1st date I can't remember when my ex husband told me he loved me I think it was early though and he proposed at six months *rolls eyes*. Met his mom a month after becoming official.

 

Another ex asked me to be his girlfriend at 2 months told me he loved me at 3 months from being official. He never technically proposed but he talked about marrying me often to my mom (he admitted it and she can't hold water) around that same time and I met his parents around that same time. *rolls eyes*.

 

Recent narc ex tasked me to be his girlfriend at 1 month and told me he loved me at 1 month after being official *rolls eyes and shaking my head*. Kept trying to get me to marry him quickly on the spot. He was batsh*t. Claim he got me a ring at 3 months after being official that I never seen And never met his parents.

 

A guy I been on 1 date this past Saturday and brought me lunch today at work asked me to be his girlfriend today *rolls eyes*

 

Just saying don't get too giddy at him saying I love you. And even proposals I would take with a grain of salt. Act giddy of course lol don't rain a mans parade but just remain wise and level headed. Look at the actions over time not the words.

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ljwentworth32

the last relationship i was in as a man. as soon as I asked if she was exclusive. things changed. she lost attraction for me. this was 1-2 months in.

 

so I don't know. maybe its best to have women bring up that talk...

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Best tip with men. Go with the flow. Let them initiate those major milestones like you did with this guy. Men that like you, love you, want to meet family, want to take trips, want to marry you will let you know. All you gotta do is say "yes I'd meet your parents, I love you too, yes I would love to travel with you, yes I'll marry you". If he keeps showing himself to be a worthy guy. I'm telling you men do what they want.

 

Very true. There is seriously no point pushing men towards 'milestones' besides calming your own anxiety. When they are ready - they do it.

 

I don't think there is a very specific timeline that needs to be followed. If anything, 'too long' is better than 'too soon' for nearly all relationship milestones. In the same time, I'd not hold on things that you want to happen - e.g. 1st sex or introducing family, just because it is 'too soon'.

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You call him bf when you feel like using the words "bf." Nothing any more complicated than that ...

 

It's great that you hung back here and didn't rush ... Very nice corrective to past relationships. It is SO HARD to correct bad patterns ... because the patterns become ingrained ... easy to notice the pattern AFTERWARDS ... but actually to shift to new behavior, really impressive on your part!

 

I'm not sure the labels matter at this point unless something annoys you ... at some point you want to come out of your shell and say exactly what you want when you want to say it ... and not worry about doing this "too soon." But you're still "correcting," so keep hanging back a bit.

 

I say focus on some fun activities, trips (if you guys have money) ... things you want to talk about and share ... just see what happens as the relationship moves forward ... Finding descriptors is rarely a problem for a relationship except when someone commits and the other doesn't.

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Iris The Butterfly

Thank you, I wasn’t really trying to correct anything, it was just my caution and trust issues from the last guy I dated a year ago at this exact same time. With him, I never brought up any labels or demanded to know where things were going either. But about three months in, he started to backpedal, said he wasn’t ready for a new girlfriend, didn’t want to lead me on, but liked me a lot, etc. A couple weeks before that said he wasn’t seeing anyone else and didn’t like the idea of me seeing anyone else either. So, the same ‘exclusive’ talk happened around the same time (2 months or so), and he was the one to bring it up. A couple weeks after what I thought was the exclusive talk, he said he doesn’t think he can date me anymore, but still kept inserting himself into my life, asking me out, coming to my birthday party, buying me gifts, etc. Blowing hot and cold. So I was confused. So at that point, I DID ask him what was going on, what are we doing, I can’t see him anymore if he doesn’t want a relationship, etc. It was only then that I started to question anything. Ultimately, he ran away. The only reason I brought anything up was because HE was the one who mentioned it to begin with and his words and actions were conflicting.

 

In my situation now, my guy’s words and actions have never conflicted, so I never felt the need to ask him or bring anything up. It’s not that I’m consciously correcting anything, he just makes me feel secure. I’ve known without a doubt that he was interested from even before the first date. Once he met me he said he knew he wanted to only date me within the first couple weeks. I had gone on the dating app where we met to see his pics again, after a week or two of dating, and I saw that he had deleted his profile. I didn’t mention it, but he did, about a month in. I didn’t delete my profile right away. But I liked that he told me that he did it, and how he felt about me and that he felt it was promising between us.

 

As far as making plans, etc., we are and have been! He bought me (us) private dance lessons for my Christmas present. We went to our first class last night and booked our second for next week. And now he mentioned he’s interested in getting a pack so we can go back regularly. He took me to a beautiful spa resort for my birthday on Monday. He’s invited me to his work black tie event next month. We’re looking into a snowboarding trip next month too. He even mentioned that his parents like to take vacations, if I’m interested maybe we could do that sometime with them. (!) His parents live across the country but will be visiting in May. If we’re still dating and going strong, I expect to meet them then. My parents are very eager to meet him, but I’m still cautious!! I tell them it might still be too soon, but rest assured, if this continues, they will meet him. I’d like him to be the one to bring it up, to be honest, wanting to meet the parents. I’ve felt sometimes I had to drag ex-bfs to meet my family before, I don’t want to do that again until he feels comfortable. Even better if he brings it up, right? To me, meeting the parents means it’s serious. I don’t feel 100% ready for that yet, but getting very close.

 

I posted some pictures on FB of my birthday at the resort. He was in a couple pictures. My aunt asked who was the guy with me? (He doesn’t use FB so he wouldn’t see it). I could have said boyfriend, he is pretty much my boyfriend, but I just said, “he took me to the resort for my birthday. We’re dating.” I guess I keep a tight lip about it, I just don't want to get hurt again, or get my hopes up again.

I just turned 35 and I struggle a lot with dating, not even being close to being married and having kids. I want to be sure I'm on the right track and not wasting time with any more time wasters.

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Curiousroxy86

I'm happy for you op. Enjoy it and continuing observing. If he stops treating you right then you know what you need to do

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This is all wrong. He jumped the relationship before you were ready and is coming off needy and insecure. You will dump him one day due to his beta behavior. Notice the one guy who didn’t was the one you cared about so much? That’s because it was your idea, not his. <snip>

 

Exactly. This guy is acting extremely needy and feminine. OP doesn't see it because she is comparing him to her ex.

 

Men fall "in lust" much faster than women, and the needy ones act possessive and jealous.

 

He is controlling asking who she is talking to, doesn't want to share her, calling over and over like the world is coming to an end, etc. and she perceives this as a quality feature in man.

 

That's why it's USUALLY better for a woman to ask where things are going because otherwise men risk a woman feeling she is being pressured into a relationship. A man can ask for exclusivity, after a woman is giving signs that she feels it is the right time. Pushing things is not a good idea men! What's the rush?

 

3 months is still the honeymoon stage. He's in lust with you, not in love. And possessive lust at that. He doesn't act like he's the prize and that you would chose him even if you were talking to other men, because he compliments your life and has the most to offer you. He acts like if he doesn't lock you down, you'd pick another guy over him.

 

I don't know how he can love you, or have authentic feelings for you, when you haven't gone through anything but infatuation together. If you go through something together, like a challenge, and grow together instead of break up, that is a sign of love. A guy freaking out and calling a bunch of times and acting needy isn't love, it's co-dependency. He's offer exclusivity because he's jealous and insecure, not because you have grown together and he sees you complimenting his life.

 

Good luck OP, not trying to be a downer. But jealous, needy behaviors in a man is not the good foundation of a relationship IMHO. He wants to be exclusive because he's jealous, not because he has real feelings. The only challenge you've had is him going nuts that you might be talking to another man, and his answer was not to communicate and support your feelings, e.g., to slow down until you are also ready for commitment, but to lock you into exclusivity when you were unsure if you were ready. That's co-dependency.

 

 

In short, you were right to be weary and to want more time before becoming exclusive.

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Iris The Butterfly

Maybe you’re right, he’s not in love yet, and that’s understandable. But seems to be getting there. Crazy about me, infatuated, in lust, a big crush, whatever you want to call it. That takes time. I also think that he was never pushy about locking anything down. He waited three months before bringing up the “Are we exclusive” conversation, but all along has been very forthcoming that HE was exclusive and only interested in dating me. I was the one who was cautious and didn’t say the same… until now.

 

At that point (Friday when he brought it up) I had been dating him consistently for three months, and he was showing me daily that he was invested, and is a good partner. So I freely made the choice to only date him, he did not pressure me in any way. I told him the other day that I’m not talking to or dating anyone else, and am only interested in dating him. He wasn’t backing me into a corner. But from 20 years of experience (I’m not a young girl and have dated many men), men who want to commit WILL act like that and take you off the market so that no one else can steal you away, in a reasonable amount of time like three months.

 

I have to compare him to my ex because the ex who acted the opposite of him disappeared and destroyed my heart. All my serious, long term boyfriends, some of who proposed or came close to it, acted the way this guy is acting, within three months. We are easing out of the honeymoon stage where it’s based in lust and trying to impress. We’ve both seen more ‘real’ sides of each other recently. We will see if that will make it through the next three month ‘stage’.

 

He may have acted needy and insecure the other night; I think he realized that and wanted to put into words the right way, which I think he did. He said he wouldn’t be acting this way if he didn’t like me so much. I think that yes, he can be a little jealous, but nothing out of the ordinary or to cause me concern. I’m very hopeful about us.

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To me, I never worry about that kind of stuff. If I know I'm the best option, and I would only want exclusivity if I know that is the case, then what is there to worry about from other men? Just putting a title on the relationship isn't any guarantee. Becoming each other's best options is a guarantee, and that mentality also encourages both to continue courting and dating each other, instead of falling into complacency once the honeymoon wears off. I always find it works best if both are ready and know what they have is a good thing; the best thing. I just think he's focused on the wrong things: instead of becoming your best option (which would remove any conflict you feel), he's using titles to ease his insecurity. To me, that's not normal behavior of a confident man. But that's me. I wish you all the best.:)

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Iris The Butterfly

It's been a little while and wanted to post some updates. Still curious as to major milestones as I believe my guy and I are entering serious territory. Maybe too soon to tell at 4 months? He invited me to one of his big work functions this week, he asked me to go with him some time ago. My friends who have met him included him on the wedding invitation to their wedding in August. He mentioned another big black tie work function we can go to in August. My first thought was, "August? I'm still in February!" I don't let myself get too far ahead and let things happen as they will. It's a challenge.

 

We did have our first 'real' issues come up, within the past couple weeks. I'd like to think it has brought us closer. He exposed a vulnerability and a skeleton in his closet, so to speak. Something he has struggled to tell me about (it's not a dealbreaker or something I'm unwilling to live with at all). I had a health scare and he took me to the urgent care and was with me all day until they released me. Made sure he was the one who took me home safe. He saw me in a less than 'together' light, I was panicked and vulnerable... really needed him and he stepped up. I appreciated that. Recently we both have discovered neither one of us are perfect. That's the real stuff past the honeymoon stage. Here we go.

 

I haven't met his parents (they live across the country). He has not met my family (or asked to, but did mention how he would have liked to know my stepdad would have been interested in a sporting event he invited me to, so that he could win some brownie points with the stepdad), we have not said 'I love you' yet. I'm getting very close to telling him I'm in love with him though, because I am. A week ago or so he said something like, "you know I really like you, right?" Saying something like, "I'm falling for you"... all these months it's been a 'big crush', leading up to 'I'm head over heels crazy for you', 'I love being with you, you've become my favorite person'. Things like that. I know those are all good things. I haven't been so forthcoming about how I feel for him yet. He has usually been the one to take the lead on moving it forward.

 

We are on the same path as far as what we are looking for. He's very clear and direct that he wants kids and soon, but I know he wants to be married first, isn't that the ideal. I just turned 35 and more than anxious to finally get married to the right person and have my family too. He mentioned in a conversation last week that he wants to take things to the next level (with dating in general).. meaning he's looking for a wife. He's not looking just to date. I'm completely in the same boat. Since that is the case, I would think that would speed up some dating milestones? I know people a decade younger than me who date less than a year and get engaged. Seems to be the general timeframe for people to date 1-2 years before engagement. Of course some differences, but usually that is what I've seen. When you know, you know, and it doesn't usually take too long. I have a friend who said something like 'at 6 months you know for sure'. I have to wonder if that is true. I've been in several long term relationships, a couple came very close to engagement, one proposal I declined. It took anywhere from a year to 4 years, and that was because neither one of us were convinced the other was the right person, in my view... because we broke up eventually. I guess I'm very fixated on not wanting to waste time, and am cautious about giving my heart and investing into someone who doesn't want to be with me all the way again and just drags it out because he likes me, and just wants to date me.

 

Thanks for listening to the venting session and any (more) helpful comments appreciated.

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I would warn you to tread carefully. I wouldn't recommend speeding up milestones because you want to have kids. You are entering the panic stage where women are so desperate to have kids, they start overlooking red flags.

 

 

Those young people also tend to get divorced. Also, I think it's different when you're younger. You grow with the person and your brain doesn't really stop maturing until age 26. At 35, you're set in your ways. It's not like it's impossible, but you're feeling biological pressures which can come back to haunt you later.

 

I'm asking this genuinely...at 35, how many kids do you plan on having? Let's say you get married in two years. I assume you want a year to be married and get your life in order? So you'll start having kids at 38? Don't you worry about health issues of the child at that age?

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Iris The Butterfly

I realize I’m older and that’s why the panic.

At 35 I would be lucky and happy to have one child. I’ve come to accept that some things aren’t meant to be. I also don’t want to wait two years to be married or kids. But that may be the car. I don’t know. I don’t want to wait a year two three to find out either. Yes I’m concerned about health issues but I am healthy. My doc says I have no reason to believe I can’t have kids.

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Iris The Butterfly

New milestone reached as of last week, to coincide with 5 months of dating. I have another thread going and I'm really feeling the heat about mine and my bfs ages and wanting kids. Another topic, I guess. Very much heavy on my mind, unbeknownst to him.

 

This past weekend he met my family. Not just the parents but my small immediate family of parents, a couple cousins and their kids. I was hoping for him to ask, but decided to just extend the invite. Last week I said, "my family is hosting a party and I'm going and of course you are invited. I wasn't sure how you were feeling about meeting the family. For me it takes awhile to want to bring someone around and wouldn't do it unless I saw serious potential." His response was: "I've been hopeful to meet your family, actually. I hope to introduce you to mine someday too. Serious potential." Me:"Well, if you would like to come to the party, otherwise maybe we can set up a time to meet with just my parents." He wanted to come to the party and meet everyone. I was surprised, I offered him an out! He wasn't afraid or nervous. When I picked him up on the drive up I asked if he was nervous, he said no, why should he be? He dressed the part and really made a great impression on my entire family. My cousin has three young kids and he was just adorable with them. I knew he liked kids, as most people do, but I never saw him interact with them before. It was heart warming and everyone noticed. My toddler cousins who never let anyone else except their parents hold them and are usually shy were just taken with him. Soon he was holding the baby and led around by the hand of the 4 year old. It was very nice to see. My cousin texted me later (the mother of the kids) and said how nice he was and that she's very happy for me, and I deserve happiness and to find my forever person. Later he said how he enjoyed meeting my family. He has talked about his mom making a trip in the spring to visit (she's on the opposite side of the country). And he often mentions that this year he wants his dad to come out. He mentioned it again on Sunday in front of my family. I'm hoping that means he will be introducing me to them.

 

I can feel a change in our relationship and the depth and intimacy just in the past month. I think that happened once we finally revealed our weak spots and maybe our insecurities. I feel we are closer. I've noticed he's become more protective lately too. And listens to every word I say, repeating it later when sometimes I don't remember I said it myself. He tells me often how he's 'crazy about me', 'do you know how much I think about you?' 'How did I get so lucky?'. I've never said I love you, or I'm in love with you and neither has he... but crazy for you... all the other things he's saying sounds kind of close to being in love. I'm definitely feeling it and I'm pretty convinced he is too. We're just not saying the words. He will tell me he misses me the moment we say goodbye.

 

6 months will be coming up in mid-April. At this point, for me, I can easily visualize something permanent with him. The thought crosses my mind what it would be like living together. I'm pretty sure at this point. Not sure if he feels the same or thinks about the long term future. I know for sure he's in lust, infatuated, wants me, desires me, cares for me, etc. Not sure when it becomes true 'love' territory but in my case, I am getting closer. Especially after his effort with my family the other day. I'm happy that we crossed that bridge. Now it can open up other opportunities, for example meeting his parents when they come to visit... soon.

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Iris The Butterfly

I've been burned before and and am currently in a new relationship of almost 6 months. I've had long term relationships ranging from year up to 4 years and none resulted in marriage. I ended all three of my prior serious relationships for various reasons. I had a proposal when I was 22, talked marriage with my second long term bf, had a ring, never resulting in a wedding, eventually I left him, a long time friend asked me to marry him but I didn't have the same feelings so I declined pursuing a romantic relationship with him last year. New bf I met in October 2018 and so far it's been wonderful. I want to be sure this guy is serious about me and wants to have a long term relationship (meaning like ever after). I get really worried about it, due to my age and my strong desire to have a family.

 

How do I know he's not just dating me to pass the time? How do I know he wants something more with me and sees me in his very long term future, meaning marriage and kids? I know it's still kind of early, but I feel there are definitely signs that point to yes or no.

 

Signs so far:

 

1. One month in: voluntarily told me he deleted his Bumble profile (where we met) because he was hopeful about us, really liked me and didn't want anyone else jeopardizing that. Basically told me he was exclusive. I wasn't ready to say the same at that time, but was only dating him. Still open to talking to others at that point.

2. Two-three months in: he brought up the 'official' conversation and we established that we didn't want to be with anyone else.

3. Calls/texts throughout the day, every single day, not one day has passed since our first conversation online in October. I get the good morning and good night, thinking you messages without fail EVERY SINGLE DAY.

4. He told me a couple weeks ago he's been hopeful to meet my family and wants to introduce me to his. He came to meet my immediate family a couple weeks ago for the first time and met my parents.

5. He makes plans for 'us' months ahead. (i.e. work functions, etc.) Basically I'm his plus one.

6. Introduced me as his "girlfriend"

7. Says he wants kids

8. Never married and older, long term relationships, two live in gfs, says he wasn't ready/not with the right person.

9. Supportive and empathetic, kind, makes effort, caring, protective, respectful, etc.

10. Spends important holidays/days together

11. See each other 3 times a week

12. He puts effort into planning surprises and dates

13. Consistent

 

 

I think maybe I needed to write all of these down to see it that he does seem serious. I've dated a lot and have a lot of experience, so I'm cautious. It seems a lot of men I've been really into have been happy to date me but not take things to the 'next level' as in marriage and real commitment. I think one of my fears is that he's just with me to pass the time. I'm really into him, so that alone worries me that he will be a repeat of what I went through before. Again, this is due to my being burned in the past, not necessarily anything he's doing. What does concern me is that he dated a couple women for many years, lived with them, it ended up not working out, from what he said because he chose to end it, but it concerns me that his age he has not ever settled down and has had the opportunity to.

Edited by littlebridge
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Stop living in the future with him. Enjoy the right now and let this develop in its own time.

 

You want guarantees and the one thing life does not hold are guarantees. You watch and observe and stay grounded in the present.

 

BTW--it is far better to not be in a relationship by a certain age than to be in a string of them with a lot of fall out in your wake and mess to clean up. He was smart enough to know that the women who were in his life were not forever women and acted accordingly.

Edited by kendahke
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Iris The Butterfly
Stop living in the future with him. Enjoy the right now and let this develop in its own time.

 

You want guarantees and the one thing life does not hold are guarantees. You watch and observe and stay grounded in the present.

 

BTW--it is far better to not be in a relationship by a certain age than to be in a string of them with a lot of fall out in your wake and mess to clean up. He was smart enough to know that the women who were in his life were not forever women and acted accordingly.

 

Thank you. I do my best to stay present. I agree, he seems to have known they weren't forever women for him, for whatever reason. I've felt that way about my prior long term relationships too, so I ended the relationships. I've been dumped a couple times too so I understand the pain of heartbreak.

 

I think we have a good relationship. I'm learning about how he handles conflict and his character over time and weaknesses, etc. That's important. I just think about how much time I've spent with men who weren't the right person (for whatever reason) and don't want to waste time again as my clock is ticking very loudly and I want marriage and family very soon.

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