When To Tell Her I Don't Want Kids?

[Ether08]

After how many dates should I tell a woman I don't want kids? It seems like that's important to tell her upfront as most women want kids. Not being on the same page about kids is an almost universal deal-breaker even if the relationship is perfect otherwise.

[preraph]

Normally, I would say as soon as the subject comes up, like someone mentions if they want to marry eventually or whatever, or if you're someplace and she says she thinks a kid is cute. But if you've dated a while and it hasn't come up and you don't yet even have a clue if she LIKES kids, then that might be a good sign, but you should probably bring it up in conversation. However, any conversation about this that comes out of the blue is going to sound like you are planning on staying with her and are talking about marriage and family, and that's one reason I prefer it happen organically.

 

When online dating, I think you should put it in your profile so as not to narrow it on down.

 

I mean, if you're going out there will be kids around and she will either be the type that has to wave and say how cute they are or not. If she does, she likely wants kids. If she ignores them or seems irritated by them in restaurants, maybe she doesn't.

 

You could stage something, like discuss going to the zoo. Something like "We're both off on the weekend, but I wish we could go in the week so it's not so packed with kids" and just see what she says. Like, Oh, that doesn't bother me, or, Yeah, I hate going out there when it's crowded. And then a conversation from that point.

 

And I hope I don't have to remind you, if you don't want kids, you need to not trust the woman to be in charge of the birth control. She should have hers and you should wear a condom or get snipped.

 

By the way, there are forums and Facebooks and different things online for "childfree" people. The terminology is important. "Childless" is not what you want. That's going to mostly be people in a hurry to have a kid. "Childfree" generally means people who choose not to have them. You might get lucky and meet someone in your area. Beware that just because a lot of people don't want kids doesn't necessarily mean they have anything else in common! I ran a board and the only other commonality was a lot were unconventional in general.

Edited March 23, 2019 by preraph

[basil67]

I'd put it on your online dating profile for starters

[Ether08]

I'd put it on your online dating profile for starters

 

Not every woman I meet is from online.

[Curiousroxy86]

First phone conversation ask. If they say they want kids don't call them again and waste their time. If they don't then continue getting to know them

[preraph]

It's a little forward to talk about marriage or kids on or before the first date, though. He's talking about meeting women in real life. That's the best way to find out if they like them anyway, just watching them around them and starting a conversation.

[alphamale]

make sure you get some good sex before you tell her

[preraph]

^He'll have better sex when he's having it with someone who also doesn't want to get pregnant! It frees you up!

[Interstellar]

make sure you get some good sex before you tell her

 

:laugh:

[kendahke]

After how many dates should I tell a woman I don't want kids? It seems like that's important to tell her upfront as most women want kids. Not being on the same page about kids is an almost universal deal-breaker even if the relationship is perfect otherwise.

 

 

As soon as you feel as if you want to kiss her. Because once you kiss her and then tell her you don't want kids, the whole dynamic of your interactions are going to change if she wants them.

[amaysngrace]

I’d bring it up on a first date. If you have nieces, nephews, friends with kids, kids in the neighborhood, a guy from work had a baby...etc., you can use any of them to bring kids into the conversation. She may also bring it up if her stance is that important to her.

 

But I’d go with sooner than later.

[basil67]

I'm a woman. I was never going to have kids....and then I changed my mind. How would you deal with this scenario?

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm a woman. I was never going to have kids....and then I changed my mind. How would you deal with this scenario?

 

Not his concern if that was your stance at the beginning. When a girl switches up he got to bounce up outta there if his mind did not change.

[Ether08]

I'm a woman. I was never going to have kids....and then I changed my mind. How would you deal with this scenario?

 

Of course there's the risk anyone can change their mind about what they want about anything in life. I accept that risk as a part of dating. I cross that bridge IF I come to it and then if we are not on the same page it's time to break up. It is not uncommon for couples to grow apart when one or both wants different things.

[preraph]

^ thing about that is he still doesn't want them, so he's not a good candidate to be a dad, whether the woman changes her mind or not.

 

Also, this is a good reason to get snipped. She knows that it's unlikely she can change his mind that way and will hopefully weigh all that before she decides what to do.

Edited March 23, 2019 by preraph

[amaysngrace]

Also not sure if you’d date a single mom or not but just because a woman has a child already with someone doesn’t necessarily mean she wants more.

 

I don’t know if some men think that or what.

[preraph]

Ether08, there are a lot of both men and women out there who do not take it seriously when someone tells them they don't want kids. Even if they do at first, they mention it to sister or mother, and that person convinces them that they will change their mind and to just not worry about it. So before you would marry someone, you need to make them completely understand this is nonnegotiable, and then you need to keep the birth control in your own hands. If you would be doing any kind of prenup, you should put it in there. Because really, people just don't take it seriously. Now, if you're snipped, they know you're serious, but they also know you can reverse that.

[basil67]

^ thing about that is he still doesn't want them, so he's not a good candidate to be a dad, whether the woman changes her mind or not.

 

I quite agree. My ex-h didn't want kids and would have been a terrible father due to his impatience and tendency to become easily irritated.

[preraph]

^ which is how I think I'd be. I don't know, my dogs taught me a lot of patience, but I was around animals as a child mainly and never around little ones, and when I was, it was usually unpleasant. There are just people who aren't built for handling a toddler. Kudos to those who are! It makes me tired and irritated just having one in the same room, even if I'm not the one chasing the little whirling dirvish. I know you love them to pieces when they're yours, and I would too, but at the same time, I know it's not going to change my basic skill set!!

[basil67]

Preraph, I'm not interested in other people's little kids. And I am a very lame aunt. I just found there was something different about them being my own kids.

[preraph]

^ yes, there absolutely is. Most moms I've talked to do not like to be around other people's kids and even think of them as dirty and whatnot. But still, they are more tolerant than I'll ever be, I guess. I kind of like kids at certain ages. Like I like little girls at the giggly stage when they start being social and having a little circle of giggly little friends.

[Ether08]

Also not sure if you’d date a single mom or not but just because a woman has a child already with someone doesn’t necessarily mean she wants more.

 

I don’t know if some men think that or what.

 

No I would not date a single Mom. That's the equivalent of dating a woman who wants kids. She may not want anymore kids but in the present she has that responsibility and if things got serious I would have to be willing to help her raise her kids.

 

Casual dating a woman with kids may work because I wouldn't be going to her house anyway and would not have a chance to meet her kids. Casual dating is not often either like maybe 1 date every 10 days to 2 weeks.

[elaine567]

The assumption when dating "seriously" is that most people want kids at some point.

If anyone knows they never want kids, or can't have kids, then they need to make that very clear very early on, else it is a waste of everyone's time.

People can get very hurt getting attached to people who later reveal they have a very different mindset to themselves.

[Mrs._December]

After how many dates should I tell a woman I don't want kids? It seems like that's important to tell her upfront as most women want kids. Not being on the same page about kids is an almost universal deal-breaker even if the relationship is perfect otherwise.

You DO know that every time you unzip your pants you're taking a risk of her becoming pregnant, right? I read your other post which is a bit confusing and disjointed, but it spells out your thoughts on a woman getting pregnant and you state right in that if you get her pregnant, you'll marry her.

 

So, it seems you're all over the board on this subject.

 

I think the sooner the better with regard to telling a woman you don't want kids.

[Ether08]

You DO know that every time you unzip your pants you're taking a risk of her becoming pregnant, right? I read your other post which is a bit confusing and disjointed, but it spells out your thoughts on a woman getting pregnant and you state right in that if you get her pregnant, you'll marry her.

 

So, it seems you're all over the board on this subject.

 

I think the sooner the better with regard to telling a woman you don't want kids.

 

 

Actually the last time I had sex was in 2002. I never had sex with any girlfriend after that. I would stop at foreplay.