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Spontaneity in a Relationship


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When my girlfriend broke up with me she mentioned that I'm too planned/organized and she is too free spirited and spontaneous.

 

I'm not the type that plans every single thing I do or has a calendar booked weeks in advance whatsoever, but I am grounded and tend to plan things out.

 

When we would go on dates, I'd like to find us a cool bar/restaurant to go to and then find something fun to do after or I'd know a fun spot to go to. Example, go to dinner and then comedy show, took her ice skating and then had reservations at a cool dessert place, dinner and then live music. I'd usually like to look up a couple of places in the area we were going out to. In my mind, it's thoughtful and good to have a plan, not that I wouldn't be flexible enough to change it and check something else out.

 

I guess one thing I did not do was randomly text her on a random night and be like hey lets do something tonight. It's not like I never did things spontaneously, but maybe they weren't big enough to register on her radar?

 

In this sense, not the sexual sense, what are girls looking for? Are planning dates out like that too much/a turn off? What could I have done to be more spontaneous?

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Don't sweat it, from this and your other post you are more well off without her.

Many women would truly enjoy and appreciate such dates.

There are millions of women, don't get hung up on one that

isn't truly interested in you or

who wants to play games with your head, or

can't get their **** together, or

is incompatibly mentally unstable.

 

Sorry hurts, hit the gym and put on some loud tunes.

A while wide future is out there for you.

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LivingWaterPlease

For me, a mix of planning and spontaneity is best! But, everyone is different so not sure my opinion will matter.

 

I don't want to be with someone exactly like me anyway. I want someone who compliments me. I'm a free spirit, too, in many ways. So ultimately being with a person who plans is a plus for me, since there are aspects of life that are greatly improved by having a plan!

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Don't sweat it, from this and your other post you are more well off without her.

Many women would truly enjoy and appreciate such dates.

There are millions of women, don't get hung up on one that

isn't truly interested in you or

who wants to play games with your head, or

can't get their **** together, or

is incompatibly mentally unstable.

 

Sorry hurts, hit the gym and put on some loud tunes.

A while wide future is out there for you.

 

For me, a mix of planning and spontaneity is best! But, everyone is different so not sure my opinion will matter.

 

I don't want to be with someone exactly like me anyway. I want someone who compliments me. I'm a free spirit, too, in many ways. So ultimately being with a person who plans is a plus for me, since there are aspects of life that are greatly improved by having a plan!

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if maybe I was TOO planned with the things we did.

 

And also, what somebody would consider spontaneous in dating? I would be spontaneous in the realm of hanging out and being like hey lets go get ice cream or for a walk or a couple of times on a date lets jump into that bar. But maybe it's more? Maybe it's calling her up on a Wednesday after work and saying hey lets go out tonight and just walking around the city hopping into places? I truly don't know...

 

In this particular case, it does hurt that she couldn't tell me she needed more spontaneity. She viewed it as something that would be changing me as a person. I would have viewed it as my gf telling me something she needs to be happier in the relationship, something I would have been willing to do for her, for me, for the relationship. But mostly trying to understand so maybe I don't make the same mistakes again...

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Your girlfriend is the odder duck here. Most women don't WANT a man to ask them out at the last minute and not have at least some plan. So don't go changing thinking she represents all women. If you want to compromise some way with her and can figure out how, go for it, but she's the disorganized one. Don't lower your own bar by making a permanent change.

 

I had an old roommate who would make plans with you and stand you up every time. The only way to see her was to be there at the last minute ready to do something spontaneous and then she'd drop everyone else to go. That's not a good thing. That's a flake.

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That's not the real reason she ended it. She gave you a reason that sounded good and is not as hurtful. Don't worry about it.

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what are girls looking for? Are planning dates out like that too much/a turn off? What could I have done to be more spontaneous?

 

Different women want different things. My husband doesn't plan & it drives me crazy but he's not spontaneous either. If I get a wild hair he's totally open to doing something on the spur of the moment but he won't suggest it.

 

Don't change yourself just find somebody who appreciates who you are.

 

To be more spontaneous, instead of having the dessert reservation planned, after dinner ask your date what she wants to do. Its OK to have a few suggestions in the back of your mind.

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That's not the real reason she ended it. She gave you a reason that sounded good and is not as hurtful. Don't worry about it.

 

It was one of the reasons she gave me

 

Guess it's just one of the many things making me feel insecure.

 

Wanted to get a better feel for other peoples preferences and thoughts. I wouldn't want to continue to give this too planned or rigid feel going forward

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That's not the reason why she ended it. It was just an excuse. Basically what she was trying to say was you two are different people and not compatible. So stop over analyzing what she told you.

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That's not the reason why she ended it. It was just an excuse. Basically what she was trying to say was you two are different people and not compatible. So stop over analyzing what she told you.

 

I know we were different people but it never felt like that was an issue, I thought it brought balance and we had a lot in common to.

 

I know it's not the real or only reason she ended things though.

 

Just very heartbroken and trying to understand and learn from this.

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Lotsgoingon

The question you're asking isn't the right question.

 

Your job is to find people who like you and like your style. I agree with the poster who said there's A LOT MORE to why she broke up than the fact that you are highly organized. Trust me ... people fall in love with people who are more organized (and more into planning) than they are ... all the time! So I think her reason isn't quite honest.

 

Adjust your style if YOU want to adjust your style. OMG, lots of people are dying to find partners who plan out fun events and who take the initiative to get the heck outta the house. Don't dare change your style out of some misguided view that there is a better generic way of being in the world.

 

Next partner might also be more "spontaneous" than you are ... so when she proposes something, you'll go for it ... and that's that.

 

The issue isn't spontaneity ... If you are emotionally closed, you might want to examine that ... But as far spontaneity ... you've let this person get in your head over something that is nothing.

 

Keep moving.

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I know we were different people but it never felt like that was an issue, I thought it brought balance and we had a lot in common to.

 

I know it's not the real or only reason she ended things though.

 

Just very heartbroken and trying to understand and learn from this.

There's nothing to really learn. She wasn't feeling the chemistry.

 

 

 

A lot of people can get along like gangbusters, but not feel anything in the romance sense. It is what it is. It wasn't meant to be.

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Lotsgoingon

The way to learn from this experience is to review the relationship ... and remember the actions she took that signaled that she was not a kisser.

 

Go back and you'll discover moments that were awkward ... most likely, you just convinced yourself to ignore those moments. But your gf doesn't even sit on the same sofa as you? ... Dude, she did that early on in some way. That's a red flag, as they say.

 

Go back and notice the actions that signaled that she was a cold and distant fish. That's how you learn ... you update your software ... almost like a virus protection program ... so that the next time you see certain behavior early on, you know how to react better.

 

We all have blind spots, so we're all constantly having to update our dating software ... You clearly had a blind spot about this woman's lack of affection. Go back and identify those moments. Almost try to feel those awkward moments of her being distant.

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Honestly, there is no point worrying about this. Strangely enough, this is one thing I have found difficult in dating. Guys do not plan and expect me to meet with a day's notice. My last relationship broke up because i refused to. It just got on my nerves.

 

I prefer to have chance to plan other things around a day trip, for example, to be able to have chance to bathe, do my hair and so on. I do not like being contacted at 9pm to see if I'm available to go out somewhere the next day. Apart from anything else, it feels like I'm the last option.

 

I think people vary on a the scale of disordered to extremely organised. You would be better finding someone who is similar to you in that respect. That way, you will both feel relaxed and respected. You should not have to change something like that. There are women out there who like someone who plans. It saves them having to do so. You were just dating the wrong woman.

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I think a lot of times when someone breaks up with you and you just don't know why, it's because they were with you long enough to just realize you were not the person they hope to meet and make a life with. In other words, they know something about themselves that you don't know about them, like what they really want and how easy it is for them to be attracted or how fast they burn out. It's maddening, but it's just information they know that you don't and if you knew it, you wouldn't be able to change it. People just are who they are.

 

You didn't do anything bad as far as the organizing, so don't get that in your head. You can do everything right -- and still not be the right person for someone. Just a fact of life...

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Having all the plans made in advance wouldn't work for me. When in a relationship or dating, I found that spontaneity was terrific. As long as I hadn't taken my bra off for the evening, a suggestion of "hey, let's go to the city and find somewhere cool to eat" was the best thing ever. Or Sunday afternoon when you're both hanging around doing nothing, a suggestion of 'Hey, do you feel like going out to a X bar?" would also hit the spot.

 

But as kids came along, babysitters needed to be organised or baby bags packed and planning suddenly became desirable.

Edited by basil67
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Simple Logic

spontaneity can fall into a lot of different categories.

 

Did only buy gifts for the tradition holidays?

Did you ever change a date theme for something totally impusive?

Was times and place of sex rather scripted.

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You are looking at everything all wrong because you're hurting after getting dumped. It's normal. But spontaneity had nothing to do with it. From your other threads, this woman was of extremely low quality, and you need to realize you can do much better, and are better than her.

 

In the future, I'd recommend not even thinking about "relationship" and "long term" and instead just date women until you find one that is into you, rather than wanting one who's not. The ones who are into you leave nothing to the imagination, and will be putting forth the effort to try to keep you around, rather than the opposite.

Edited by Highndry
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ExpatInItaly
You are looking at everything all wrong because you're hurting after getting dumped. It's normal. But spontaneity had nothing to do with it. From your other threads, this woman was of extremely low quality, and you need to realize you can do much better, and are better than her.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

OP, don't stress so much over the opinions of this one woman. We ladies don't all have the same needs and wants, so what doesn't work for one person might be golden for the next.

 

The truth is that when a woman is really into you, for the right reasons, not being spontaneous enough isn't going to be a deal-breaker.

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Versacehottie

I think overall a guy that makes plans is a great thing. Many girls like that. Especially if during the plans he is also willing to be flexible and go with the flow.

 

I think there are a couple of things to consider. Ok let's consider she was truthful from her perspective and she felt the plans are a constraint. I would say it's probably not the plans themselves--however, the type of people who are planners that mentality is usually a part of them as a whole which can be a bit stifling or not appreciated by a free spirit, let's say. So doubt it was specifically that you are a planner of the specific plans you planned but more that your planner nature extends to your personality. Also planners tend to be responsible sort of people which can fail to strike a spark or have enough good tension in a relationship.

 

Secondly, let's consider again that she was truthful in what she summed up but rather than seeing it as something to "fix" because it wasn't right for HER, you should see it as you were not compatible because many girls (both planner sorts and more spontaneous) will want and appreciate a guy who does this.

 

Lastly, let's consider that either consciously or unconsciously she is not being entirely truthful. Free-spirited and spontaneous is just a very easy excuse for her to say when she is just not feeling it. Same result though, you should not try to change her mind. I don't really think you need to change yourself. Just make sure you are not too rigid and that you show the sponenity within you when on dates since it feels like confidence and exciting when someone is like that. Also make sure you are not being a doormat nor overly responsible/putting your needs way behind the other person so that you can keep the good tension in a relationship. Good luck

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