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Fight Over Weight Gain


OatsAndHall

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OatsAndHall

I have been dating a woman for around six months now, we had a nasty this week and I'm trying to sort things out the best I can. She's a good woman, we treat each other well and enjoy each other's company. But, she has gained an inordinate amount of weight over the last few months and it is affecting our sex life due to my lack of desire.

 

When we first met, she was carrying a few extra pounds for her petite frame. I found this to be incredibly attractive as it accentuated her curves. At that time, she was walking three-four miles per day, eating sensibly and we enjoyed being active together. I've worked to take care of myself; I'm careful about what I eat, hit the weights a few days per week and walk every day. We used to walk together consistently but she stopped joining me a few months ago. Since we met, I have dropped down to my high school weight; just by being conscious of what I eat and getting some exercise.

 

She's gained 20-30 pounds since we first met and the majority of it has come on over the last few months (no, she's not pregnant). She's gone from being "petite and curvy" to obese in my eyes. The weight came on fast and so it blind sided me. She's not only stopped watching what she eats, she's started eating junk and a lot of it. I don't keep junk food in my place so she shows up with bags of chips, pop, energy drinks, etc... I can control myself and not partake in the junk food so I just ask that she take it with her when she leaves. We don't go out to eat very often; I cook quite a bit and we eat reasonably healthy meals.

 

She's made a few comments about how she's unhappy with her weight gain but states that she's too stressed out to deal with it. She's also said that she's saving up money so that she can buy an expensive "weight loss" supplement that's nothing more than over-priced caffeine pills. We've talked about how that's not a healthy way to approach weight loss and I try to keep those conversations as proactive and supportive. I ask her to go for walks with me but she states that she's too tired..I've suggested that she stop buying the snack food as I always have fresh fruit in the house. But, it hasn't done any good.

 

Our sex life has declined significantly over the last two months or so and it came to a head. She's upset about it and I was tactful but honest with her. I told her that her weight gain is at the heart of the issue. She became upset (as would be expected) and but I told her that I wasn't intentionally trying to avoid sex; the desire has waned since she has put on the weight. I told her that I wish I have the same desire for her that I used to but, biologically, I just don't.

 

The conversation wasn't pleasant and I kept my composure until she called me a " f-ing judgemental a--hole". I told her that the comment was out of line, I hadn't intentionally said anything judgmental or hurtful. I told her that I knew my telling her that her weight gain had affected my libido wasn't judgemental; it was an honest response to the problem of our sex life.

 

Nothing proactive came out of that conversation or any conversation we've had since then. So, I am at an impasse here; I no longer have much sexual desire for her, her eating habits and sedentary life style have made that worse, and I don't know if it's going to change.

 

I care about her as she's a pleasant gal, we enjoy each other's company and our sex life was fantastic in the beginning. But, physical attraction and a healthy sex life are a part of a healthy relationship. I'm not going to be an ass and make demands of her (i.e. start living a healthier lifestyle or we're done) so the ball is in her court on this one.

 

The only conversations we've had since the fight have started to turn into another fight and I've told her that I won't argue with her over this. I've explained how I feel, been as tactful as I can about it and told her that I'm willing to TALK about it but I won't have another fight over it.

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There are some who simply drop the weight to attract someone, then let it all go. Just like someone who hides a drinking problem, she has an over eating problem that she hid from you. I bet money on it she's had a life long issue and using over eating as a coping mechanism. This isn't just a matter of having a talk with her, she needs therapy. This isn't your issue to solve.

 

IMO this is only 6 months in. I would take a permanent leave of absence.

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OatsAndHall
There are some who simply drop the weight to attract someone, then let it all go.

 

She's a "stress-eater" which is something we've discussed and she knows it's an issue. Her life has been stressful over the last four months or so as her mother is ill, she's struggling financially and that's put a lot of stress on my girlfriend as she's been trying to help.

 

But, this has gotten out of control. We went to Subway for lunch last weekend, I order a six-inch turkey sub, Sun chips an iced tea and she gets a foot-long meatball sub, a bag of Doritos, a cookie, and a giant pop. We were late to the matinee we'd been planning in going to for two weeks because she was eating

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Ya but this is how she deals with stress ALL THE TIME. So what she loses weigh after this is over, then when another stressful event happens she goes and stacks on 50 pounds again? No this is on going and will always be an issue. It's an addiction. People drink or do drugs to escape whatever...so this is what she is doing. You can put icing on it all you want....this issue is forever...this is a part of her.

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A 20-30 pound weight gain is A LOT for a petite person. I'm 5'3 and if I gain 10 pounds it's immediately noticeable, so I can imagine that she looks completely different.

 

After only 6 months of dating, this is definitely a red flag. Her overeating can be because of depression or some kind of other stress or she can just have a good addiction. I agree with Smackie, I think it's possible she lost weight to find someone and then gave in to her old ways once she was comfortable. I like to snack and laze around sometimes, so I totally get it, but I also love to go for long walks and be active for at least a couple of hours a day. It's all about balance. I would be unattracted to her unhealthy lifestyle as well, especially since she isn't even trying to be better.

 

I don't think you are being judgemental at all and I think it's great that you were honest with her. Her reaction is a little nuts honestly, how can you be shocked that you are no longer desirable to someone after gaining a ton of weight? It's not like you guys have years of history, only 6 months. Perhaps after a few days of calming down, you can have a talk again. If she's not willing to be reasonable then I would let her go.

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She gets all owly about it because you are pretty much telling her to get rid of her security blanket. She's going to grip that bag of Doritos even harder.

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Turning point

Sure, there's a complacency here that indicates she's does not share your views on the matter of what constitutes a healthy body weight or size. Even you acknowledge with the qualifier "in my eyes" that this is a subjective requirement owing to your personal preference rather than her actual health.

 

The two of you don't share the same life style preferences so, if like mindedness is what you require then this is not the relationship for you.

 

That being said, you are also attempting to hold the other personal accountable for the temperature of your sexual desire. The sexual objectification of that is something that really jumps off the page. Her anger is justified because this was not expressed as an issue of her health or welfare, rather it was a purely sexual standard registering your sexual dissatisfaction. What happens as she ages... ???

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During these 6 months, she has moved in a direction that is different then the one you are traveling. While you were together for a while, it doesn't seem like you will be together forever. While that is sad, sometimes things just happen

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There are some who simply drop the weight to attract someone, then let it all go.

 

I've known so many women who lose weight to attract a man and then let it go once they have him. This one is old as time.

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What was her weight a year ago? Two years ago?

 

I'm just wondering what her "normal" is. If she was heavier in the past, then the period of time when you met her and she was exercising and eating healthy may not be her "normal" and instead was just a short term thing where she managed to drop the weight. On the other hand, if she's typically been thinner in the past, eating healthy, and working out, then maybe the weight gain is due to stress and other factors that have thrown her off her "normal" game, and she will return to that "normalcy" once she gets through it. Based on some of the things you said (in particular, her desire to get an expensive weight loss supplement), I'm guessing it's the former situation.

 

20-30 lbs is a lot of weight gain in three months and raises a lot of red flags. The fact that she's not even trying to get it under control is also alarming. I think it's your right to end things over this if you choose.

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amaysngrace

Dude she is dealing with and caring for a sick parent. She’s putting someone else’s needs before her own.

 

You maybe want to try that sometime.

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OatsAndHall
Sure, there's a complacency here that indicates she's does not share your views on the matter of what constitutes a healthy body weight or size. Even you acknowledge with the qualifier "in my eyes" that this is a subjective requirement owing to your personal preference rather than her actual health.

As I stated in my original post, I want to be sexually attracted to her but I'm just not. I can't control my basic physiology or make my libido towards her return through psychology.

 

And, yes, we have had several discussions about health when she's mentioned being uncomfortable with her weight gain. That is how I have approached it when the subject has come up because the eating habits and sedentary lifestyle are not healthy, weight gain or not.

 

During the conversations this week, I've have redirected back to her health repeatedly to try and make the conversations proactive. But, talking about her health didn't help the situation before and it's not helping now.

 

What exactly was I supposed to say when the topic of sex came up? 'Your eating habits and sedentary lifestyle are unattractive'? No, I was honest, I told her that the weight gain caused by her lifestyle is the issue. When one of these discussions turned ugly, I did tell her that, weight gain or not, I found her eating habits to be a turn-off, in and of themselves. That stirred up even more chit and nothing was accomplished.

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LivingWaterPlease

Agree with smackie9. And someone else wrote that women sometimes lose weight to attract a man then gain it back later on after a relationship is established which I agree with. Though not saying that's what your gf did.

 

To me, her response to your telling her that's the reason for your lack of interest in sex was uncalled for. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who reacted with those words when we're trying to solve a problem. Obviously, though, she was highly triggered by the idea you didn't find her attractive anymore and that's understandable. However, you did her a favor by being honest with her, imo.

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It doesn't sound like you love her but just find her pleasant, so I just think you should get out of the relationship. She's always going to struggle with weight. Once you find someone you love, that may not matter as much to you. Only time will tell.

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Even if you hadn't mentioned her weight gain as the reason for the decline in sexual interest, don't you think she can figure it out? Some people gain weight in order to push people away. The weight did not miraculously appear. She put the food in her mouth. It is a choice, her choice. Sorry, she chose Doritos over "Oats". There's nothing for you to fight about. It is what it is.

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bathtub-row

Did she start taking the birth control pill not long ago, or change her prescription? That can account for an excess of weight gain in a short period of time.

 

And, btw, while I totally get the turn off where excess weight is concerned, do not EVER compare the way a male loses weight opposed to females. The same tactics don’t work and men lose weight far quicker than women. Having said that, it sounds as though your gf has horrible eating habits. If this really bothers you, you should probably end it with her because it’s not likely to improve.

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amaysngrace

I have a different opinion I guess, only because I cared for my own sick mother and packed on a ton of weight during that time. I quit smoking shortly before we found out she was sick so that didn’t help but the stress destroyed my body because outwardly I had to put up a good front for her.

 

Even my hair looked like a skunk from the grey that suddenly came out of nowhere in a patch right in the front of my head. After she passed I still kept eating and then started drinking like a sailor. I was a wreck.

 

Luckily I’m now close to my normal size again three years later but if I had a partner and he was thinking only of himself and his wants, needs and desires at that time I’d tell him to go pound sand.

 

He can go brag about his awesomeness of being his high school size to someone who is still focused on being in high school right along with him.

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Judging from her eating habits and her knowledge of those expensive pills, it sounds like she is someone who has had long-term emotional eating problems. Unfortunately, this is something way beyond your scope to help. Even a professional therapist may not be able to solve her core issues. Losing weight for a long-term obese individual is very very different and enormously difficult.

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Luckily I’m now close to my normal size again three years later but if I had a partner and he was thinking only of himself and his wants, needs and desires at that time I’d tell him to go pound sand.

 

 

I agree, Amaysngrace. If someone loves you and you've been together in a committed relationship and kids and all, there's more important things than if he feels sexy or not. But I do agree that up front, you want the sexy. People age. Look it up. If all you care about is a skinny receptacle for your penis, probably don't get married.

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Someone who shows up with loads of snacks has a very unhealthy eating agenda. She eats when she is stressed.

 

If it bothers you that much why aren’t you ending the relationship?

 

You two seem incompatible at this point.

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Another observation: She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed about indulging in her poor eating habits in front of you; things can be worse when she’s all by herself.

 

Anyway, I think you guys are heading to a break up soon. I just can’t imagine how she can continue to be your gf after what you have told her, justified or not.

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Curiousroxy86

You should have broken up with her when you found out you were no longer sexually attracted to her and felt like it was unacceptable. The moment you felt like she needed to change back in order to want to have sex it was over.

 

She should have broken up with you when you revealed this

 

So the solution is to just let each other go. This whole holding on to each other and not having sex and arguing is ridiculous. You stay when you truly accept what is and can continue to treat each other lovingly despite what is that you don't like. She obviously don't care about losing weight for you and she obviously feel like you only care that she loses weight for you. So just do each other a solid and let each other go. What you had might have been good at the beginning but time and conflict revealed an incompatibility that you too both can't find happy compromise on.

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Ruby Slippers

I think you're being very reasonable. To most people, obesity is just not sexually attractive.

 

My boyfriend of 4 months is very fit, but was recovering from surgery and had a belly when we met. He's now completely lost the belly, and while I was sexually attracted to him even with the belly, my desire has gone way up. He looks better, has more energy and drive, and performs better sexually.

 

It doesn't look good. You've discussed the problem reasonably and she's defensive and kind of hostile. Weight issues are typically pervasive for years. Some people have a breakthrough and overcome it, but she doesn't seem anywhere close to that. So you can accept it or go.

 

I understand why you can't accept it. However much she or anybody here wants to browbeat you about it, the fact is her bad choices have killed your sexual desire.

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introverted1

Hi OP.

 

I'm going to disagree with several posters here and say you are perfectly entitled to feel as you do. Sure, maybe she's gained weight as a result of stress, but all that tells us is that she has an unhealthy coping mechanism. Would it be ok if she turned to cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol? Food is no different.

 

Absent uncontrollable issues (illness, medication, etc.) maintaining a healthy lifestyle and pleasing weight is the responsibility of both partners. I love how people suddenly act as if attraction isn't (or shouldn't be) part of the equation when the discussion is about weight gain.

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