I can't shake it off what happened, should I end the relationship with him?

[miss2017]

Long story short: I met this guy online last year, we met and fell head over heels for each other. So after 2 months together, he proposed to me and gave me an engagement ring and we started talking about moving in together. It may seem too much too soon, but it just felt right and we were both really happy.

 

So a few weeks after that, we had our first argument and I got so angry I had like a tantrum and told him off (he didn't do anything bad, it was a misunderstanding). I didn't scream or shout at him, but criticized him and was a bit agressive. So after this he was quite shocked at my behavior and withdrawn for a few days. When we talked again, he said that kind of behavior was very much like his ex used to have and that he doesn't want that anymore in his life. He also said he doesn't know if he wants to continue with me.

 

I was quite shocked at hearing him saying this after the marriage proposal, and decided to end things with him. I gave him the engagement ring back as I was quite angry at him. So after this I decided to address my behavior with a therapist and change it, so I can be in a relationship in a mature way (no tantrums). So some time after this, he contacted me, we met and got back together. But I feel he changed. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me, but no more talk about getting married or living together.

 

I can't seem to shake it off what I did and reacted before, and I can't stop thinking how happy I was when he proposed to me. It's like I wish I could go back to that time but I can't. I don't know how to act now or what to do. He's different and probably still have doubts if I really changed or not. I'm scared I might have ruined things completely between us, and although I love him, I'm considering ending the relationship and maybe start with a clean slate with someone else in the future. I just can't stop thinking about how open and happy we were, and now in comparison it just feels weird.

 

Any advice?

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and removed full quote of response downthread

[RecentChange]

Reminds me of an old Johnny Cash song...

 

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,

We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out

I'

m

goin' to Jackson, I'

m

gonna mess around,

Yeah, I'

m

goin' to Jackson,

Look out Jackson town

 

In this song Jackson was - in essence being single. "Only fools rush in" comes to mind as well.

 

I understand relationships can start hot and heavy, my own did, but a marriage proposal after two short months?!?!

 

You don't know someone after 2 months. Two months is hormones talking. Two months is limerence - two months isn't when you can be sure that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your time on this earth with.

 

Add the fact that a disagreement, the first disagreement spiraled out of control so quickly is NOT a good sign.

 

In my experience couples that can COMMUNICATE effectively, couples that can work out issues TOGETHER rather than "needing space" and taking breaks etc are the ones that can stand the test of time.

 

It sounds like this started out burning hot - and like many relationships that start in a "fever hotter than a pepper sprout" end when that fire goes out.

 

Is this the same guy who in January you were questioning if your lifestyles were compatible?

 

I would say cut your losses... it was fun while it lasted, but this is not how long stable relationships start.

[miss2017]

Yes is the same guy.

 

I just don't know what to do. That part with lifestyles is not an issue anymore, but I'm questioning the issue I described here.

 

I can't stop thinking about what happened, and I'm sure he can't either, but somehow we're still together.

 

Although we do love each other, I just don't know how to navigate in the relationship now or where we are heading or doing.

Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Pretend the proposal / engagement & the break up didn't happen. Chalk it up to hormones getting the best of you both. Treat this fresh start exactly as that, both of you coming into this new with a clean slate. Build from there. Do not talk about marriage or living together until the raging hormones have calmed & you are approaching this from a more conventional place, after having dated for more then one full year so you have seen each other at all times, the good & the bad.

[Gretchen12]

He's giving you another chance. But you cannot expect him to be the same as before. If you cut and run, you are again being temperamental. It is very important to maintain a sort of reverence for the ones you love. Just because you are close doesn't mean you can do/say anything you feel like. Take this thing as far as it will last. Let this be a test to see if you have learned self restraint.

[curlygirl40]

How long have you been back together?

 

Since you started your post with 'I met this guy last year' I'm assuming not very long.

 

If you both love each other and respect each other and are kind to each other, it's worth a shot to see where it goes. How do you communicate with each other now? Do you feel loved and heard and respected? Do you think he can say the same? Do you feel like he's 100% in the relationship even though he's not like you would like him to be?

 

I think of course he's a bit worried that things haven't changed or that he will see that behavior from you again. The only thing that will show him that you have worked on yourself and not that same person is time. That's all. So if you think you have a good foundation of a good relationship, then just give it time.

 

2 months is a bit crazy, I'm sure he sees that now. So he's being smarter about the whole thing and it puts you on edge because you want those feelings back like it was before. Well you can't unring a bell. You just can't.

 

So give it time and see how it goes. You have to show each other that you're on good footing.

 

Good luck to you

[Lotsgoingon]

A marriage proposal after 2 months?

 

Such a marriage would have been almost guaranteed to fail. Such a proposal is actually quite destructive for a relationship. You need to go through multiple "fights" just like this one, to show that you can overcome these fights ... and learn how to prevent them in the future ... before you even THINK of marrying someone.

[chillii]

l think the question would be more like should HE end it and he's def' thinking about it.

Yep l think he should , you lost it for no reason and on a forum asking should you end it.

The mind boggles.

[miss2017]

He's giving you another chance. But you cannot expect him to be the same as before. If you cut and run, you are again being temperamental. It is very important to maintain a sort of reverence for the ones you love. Just because you are close doesn't mean you can do/say anything you feel like. Take this thing as far as it will last. Let this be a test to see if you have learned self restraint.

 

Yes thank you. Is not much self-restraint, is more about communicating in a different way, more respectful.

 

He said to me that when I don't like something he did or said I get into a "mood" and relate from that place thinking that behavior is acceptable.

 

In my last relationship (2 years ago) the guy was very enabling of this kind of behavior and I lost all respect for him at the end. He also didn't make me change at all.

 

Now this guy just doesn't accept it and I respect him for it, because he's right, is not acceptable.

 

I don't know if a relationship with him now can last or work, but at least is providing me with the opportunity to grow and do different, and if it doesn't work, at least I can go into another relationship in the future completely different.

[miss2017]

2 months is a bit crazy, I'm sure he sees that now. So he's being smarter about the whole thing and it puts you on edge because you want those feelings back like it was before. Well you can't unring a bell. You just can't.

 

So give it time and see how it goes. You have to show each other that you're on good footing.

 

Good luck to you

 

Yes you're right, he's being smarter and the only thing now is time and me showing him I can communicate things I dislike in a respectful way.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, he is smart to have canned the marriage talk. He realized you two rushed into something blindly, without really knowing each other. You got engaged to the idea of each other, rather than to the actual person.

 

You may have felt that hormonal high when he proposed after just 60 days, but as you can see, it was not a good idea. You were agreeing to a lifetime commitment with someone you barely knew.

 

Follow his more measured pace. It's a lot more likely to lead to a successful and long-lasting reconciliation than going back to the fast-track pace that didn't work before. Get to actually know each other without the pressure of living together or marriage hanging over your heads. Court each other. Find out if you're actually a match.

 

It might not be possible to undo the damage caused by a whirlwind relationship and subsequent break-up, but it's your best chance at it.

[miss2017]

OP, he is smart to have canned the marriage talk. He realized you two rushed into something blindly, without really knowing each other. You got engaged to the idea of each other, rather than to the actual person.

 

You may have felt that hormonal high when he proposed after just 60 days, but as you can see, it was not a good idea. You were agreeing to a lifetime commitment with someone you barely knew.

 

Follow his more measured pace. It's a lot more likely to lead to a successful and long-lasting reconciliation than going back to the fast-track pace that didn't work before. Get to actually know each other without the pressure of living together or marriage hanging over your heads. Court each other. Find out if you're actually a match.

 

It might not be possible to undo the damage caused by a whirlwind relationship and subsequent break-up, but it's your best chance at it.

 

Yes you are right in all you said, and it was going to burn out one way or another.

 

And yes we do have now the opportunity to have a "normal" relationship and see what happens.

 

The only two things is that I can't stop thinking I ruined everything and also the fact I am pretty much still feeling all the same I was in the beginning (I am very much in love with him), and feel that now I have to hold back and bottle it all up.

[ChatroomHero]

Yes you are right in all you said, and it was going to burn out one way or another.

 

And yes we do have now the opportunity to have a "normal" relationship and see what happens.

 

The only two things is that I can't stop thinking I ruined everything and also the fact I am pretty much still feeling all the same I was in the beginning (I am very much in love with him), and feel that now I have to hold back and bottle it all up.

 

 

This last part speaks to compatibility. When you blew up he had to think that either he would have to deal with that all the time like with his ex and probably bottle up his feelings when you went off on him and he decided he didn't want to bottle up his feelings to stick with you.

 

 

Now you have the chance to grow the compatibility. Both of you are at the stage where you decide if the other's flaws are something you can tolerate.

 

 

I have dated women that I thought, man, we'd never have a fight. We agree, we are both rational, normal and not super confrontational. Then one day I'd leave a spoon on the counter and she would explode like world war 3. It would bother me and I had to see how she dealt with the aftermath, how often it happened, would it be like waiting for the other shoe to drop every single day I was with her, etc. If it was a one off or she got angry on occasion or often, if it was justified or out of the blue...it took time for me to analyze and see if I could deal with it and if we were compatible. Basically when you explode on someone that is supposed to be on your side and your partner, you break the trust.

 

 

So you are at the stage where you need to see if bottling your emotion and controlling how you act is worth it for him and he needs to take time to see if he can trust you or if next Thursday he will have plans, be really happy and looking forward to seeing you, walk in the door and have you say something really mean to him for no legitimate reason and ruin his night and weekend.

 

 

It comes down to you are still figuring out who each other is and now is about the time you will see the other's less than best behavior and need to decide if the whole package still works. Stop thinking about having ruined it, you just woke each other up to the fact that you don't really know each other yet and you were fantasizing about the best qualities of each other without thinking that the other might have flaws.

 

 

Just give it time and realize it's not all good times. You just have to know where you stand with each other's full personality and know that there will always be off days. It's how you recover and if either of you dwell on it or if you are able to move on. Moving on is the key, either both of you can move on or you can't. If you can both move on, what you did is no big deal.

[miss2017]

This last part speaks to compatibility. When you blew up he had to think that either he would have to deal with that all the time like with his ex and probably bottle up his feelings when you went off on him and he decided he didn't want to bottle up his feelings to stick with you.

 

 

Now you have the chance to grow the compatibility. Both of you are at the stage where you decide if the other's flaws are something you can tolerate.

 

 

I have dated women that I thought, man, we'd never have a fight. We agree, we are both rational, normal and not super confrontational. Then one day I'd leave a spoon on the counter and she would explode like world war 3. It would bother me and I had to see how she dealt with the aftermath, how often it happened, would it be like waiting for the other shoe to drop every single day I was with her, etc. If it was a one off or she got angry on occasion or often, if it was justified or out of the blue...it took time for me to analyze and see if I could deal with it and if we were compatible. Basically when you explode on someone that is supposed to be on your side and your partner, you break the trust.

 

 

So you are at the stage where you need to see if bottling your emotion and controlling how you act is worth it for him and he needs to take time to see if he can trust you or if next Thursday he will have plans, be really happy and looking forward to seeing you, walk in the door and have you say something really mean to him for no legitimate reason and ruin his night and weekend.

 

 

It comes down to you are still figuring out who each other is and now is about the time you will see the other's less than best behavior and need to decide if the whole package still works. Stop thinking about having ruined it, you just woke each other up to the fact that you don't really know each other yet and you were fantasizing about the best qualities of each other without thinking that the other might have flaws.

 

 

Just give it time and realize it's not all good times. You just have to know where you stand with each other's full personality and know that there will always be off days. It's how you recover and if either of you dwell on it or if you are able to move on. Moving on is the key, either both of you can move on or you can't. If you can both move on, what you did is no big deal.

 

That's the thing, I now feel like we're not on the same page.

 

I still feel pretty much the same as before, miss him a lot when we're not together, want to be with him, etc, but to me it feels like he's taking things very casually.

 

It's like it went from hot to luke-warm.

 

Before he would be very keen to drive to mine and stay with me even if it was just for a while, and now he just gives excuses not to.

 

For example, he has surf lessons on Saturday mornings, and before he would drive to stay with me on Friday evening, and leave Saturday morning early to go to the lessons. He did this several times and was always ok with it.

 

Now he doesn't come here on Friday and says he prefers to stay at his house because it's easier for him to go to the lesson on Saturday morning.

 

And he decides when to see each other basically.

 

This makes me confused. Is he not feeling the same as before? Did it go from engaged to a casual thing?

 

I understand if he is different now and more careful, but these things make me confused and hurt me, because I miss him so much and just want to be with him, and it seems he doesn't feel the same anymore, and then I have to bottle it up that I miss him so much.

 

And that's why I can't stop thinking I ruined things.

[smackie9]

IMO what happened has benefited you both greatly. It has made you address a problem with yourself, and it had made him realize he needs to take time to get to know someone before he jumps to marriage. It's a win win.

[miss2017]

IMO what happened has benefited you both greatly. It has made you address a problem with yourself, and it had made him realize he needs to take time to get to know someone before he jumps to marriage. It's a win win.

 

Yes, agree. But now I feel things went from hot to luke-warm and that we're not on the same page anymore.

 

I still pretty much feel the same for him as before (minus the getting married and living together quickly part), in regards to missing him and wanting to be with him, and I feel he doesn't feel the same now.

 

If you read my last message I wrote here (before yours) I explain a bit more about what I mean about that.

[Lotsgoingon]

That's what happens when you race too fast in a relationship ... the high eventually dies ... and you go from red-hot to lukewarm. Absolutely, that's what happens when a couple commits to marriage at 2 months.

 

When you rush as you guys did, it's like you have no net beneath you ... so when conflict comes ... there is no deep understanding of the other ... no history of having seen the other person tired, cranky, sick ... no experience with going through a conflict and figuring out how to communicate to resolve the conflict ...

 

You guys walked on a high rope across some skyscrapers with no net. And no training at walking across high ropes.

 

Chill ... sit back and see what happens. There NEVER was anything solidly good before this--that's your mistake in thinking. You haven't lost anything. What you had earlier was just infatuation and intoxication talking. You haven't lost anything--beneath that great feeling you had (like a nano-inch beneath it), there was nothing.

 

Relax and see what happens. Now, you can guys can start to build something real ... if you are both interested.

[smackie9]

Yes, agree. But now I feel things went from hot to luke-warm and that we're not on the same page anymore.

 

I still pretty much feel the same for him as before (minus the getting married and living together quickly part), in regards to missing him and wanting to be with him, and I feel he doesn't feel the same now.

 

If you read my last message I wrote here (before yours) I explain a bit more about what I mean about that.

Ya he's being cautious....it is what it is. You upset him deeply, so he's going to invest way less at this time before he can trust you again.

Edited March 22, 2019 by smackie9

[miss2017]

Ya he's being cautious....it is what it is. You upset him deeply, so he's going to invest way less at this time before he can trust you again.

 

I get that. I just wonder if he'll ever trust again and invest more. I feel like I'm in some kind of time out now.

[miss2017]

That's what happens when you race too fast in a relationship ... the high eventually dies ... and you go from red-hot to lukewarm. Absolutely, that's what happens when a couple commits to marriage at 2 months.

 

When you rush as you guys did, it's like you have no net beneath you ... so when conflict comes ... there is no deep understanding of the other ... no history of having seen the other person tired, cranky, sick ... no experience with going through a conflict and figuring out how to communicate to resolve the conflict ... {snip}

 

I know there was nothing solid beneath it.

 

That's why I broke up with him once and then he broke with me twice after that, and last time even wished me well in me finding the right man.

 

I don't think that when you have something solid and you have a fight this happens. You don't break up and wish for the person to find their match, you just solve things and stay together.

 

So that's why I feel this still is all very fragile at this very moment.

 

Yes we do have an opportunity to now build something real, but without him trusting me and with one foot in and one foot out, I'm not sure if it can work.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[miss2017]

Should I have an open and honest conversation with him about all this, or just let it unsaid and see how it goes?

[S2B]

No, talk means nothing at this point.

 

You crossed the line he had for himself. Now he doesn’t trust you to treat him respectfully.

 

Time and consistently being kind and calm while being honest about how you feel is the only thing that can make it better.

 

Why are you rushing?

 

Once you ruin trust it can take years of consistent behavior to earn it back.

 

 

Are you willing to wait years while you show him you’re learning to communicate respectfully?

[miss2017]

No, talk means nothing at this point.

 

You crossed the line he had for himself. Now he doesn’t trust you to treat him respectfully.

 

Time and consistently being kind and calm while being honest about how you feel is the only thing that can make it better.

 

Why are you rushing?

 

Once you ruin trust it can take years of consistent behavior to earn it back.

 

 

Are you willing to wait years while you show him you’re learning to communicate respectfully?

 

No I am not willing to wait years to show him I have learned to communicate respectfully.

 

Of course I am willing to wait some time, but I need to see that he is gradually opening up more and becoming more seriously involved, otherwise I cannot feel at ease myself.

 

And, if he is still with me and sees I am acting differently, kind and calm, then he has to make an effort too and show me he's in with both feet. It cannot be just me.

[S2B]

Then end it with him.

 

If you aren’t willing to earn that trust back by gradually showing him you’ve learned how to communicate - then end it.

 

He is smart to wait, to go slow and to have a healthy boundary.

 

No one should expect to get yelled at within a relationship.

 

You are the one who ruined it - and now you’re making demands that it rush along like that didn’t happen?

 

Man, you have a LOT to learn about abuse.

 

If he doesn’t trust you then you really have nothing to work with. And I’d venture to say he doesn’t trust you/that you have changed.

 

Why are you in a hurry?

 

How old are you? Do you work/can you support yourself?

[simplygirl]

Then end it with him.

 

If you aren’t willing to earn that trust back by gradually showing him you’ve learned how to communicate - then end it.

 

He is smart to wait, to go slow and to have a healthy boundary.

 

No one should expect to get yelled at within a relationship.

 

You are the one who ruined it - and now you’re making demands that it rush along like that didn’t happen?

 

Man, you have a LOT to learn about abuse.

 

If he doesn’t trust you then you really have nothing to work with. And I’d venture to say he doesn’t trust you/that you have changed.

 

Why are you in a hurry?

 

How old are you? Do you work/can you support yourself?

 

I have never yelled at him. I got into a bad mood yes and told him off not in a good way, but there were no yelling or screaming.

 

I have a very rewarding job, love what I do and make good money. I’m not in a rush, it’s just I didn’t lose the trust in him like he lost in me, so I kinda feel things different than him.

 

I’m not making demands, I’m just saying how I feel.

 

I’ve had abusive men in the past and I’ve had to defend myself, so my ‘moody’ behavior comes from that. This guy now is not abusive but it triggered my past behavior.

 

I need to conciously tell myself now that I am safe and don’t need to be moody like that anymore.

 

Of course is not his fault and he doesn’t have to understand any of this (not that he ever cared to understand it), but my true nature is kind and calm and not ‘moody’ at all.

 

That was just a defense mechanism I created from fear and not who I truly am.

 

It would be nice to explain all this to him, at least he would understand it and know I am changing that behavior, instead of just sitting down to wait if ‘she has changed’ like he is scared of me or something.

Edited March 23, 2019 by simplygirl