Cecil26 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. We are both in our 40's, divorced and have kids at home. The time we spend together is great. We have a lot in common, have fun and enjoy each others company. Because of our kids, we sometimes don't see each other as often as we would like. So it can be a bit of a long distance relationship. We communicate everyday that we don't see each other through texts, emails and phone calls. Anyway, I need to get to my point of this message. For her 40th birthday I took her on a special trip and to see our favorite band. The band happened to play our favorite song that night as well. It was our first big trip together and it went perfectly. We have talked about seeing this band again, and a few weeks back I sent her a link that the band was playing in a couple places close to home and that we should consider going. We don't get to travel a lot together, but the timing of the concert would work for our schedules. So, this week, out of the blue she informed me that her and her girlfriends are going to the concert. Needless to say I was hurt. She did not understand at all why I was upset and told me that I just don't like when she does things without me. I could not get her to understand that it hurt me that she didn't discuss this at all with me, even though she knew I wanted to go. Is this being selfish on her part or am I wrong in saying that? Am I making a bigger deal about this than I should be or do I have a right to be upset? I'm not going to stop her from going, but I can't help but think that this will make for a bit of a rough patch. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I do think you have a right to be upset about this. Just point out to her that you invited her several weeks ago and if she didn't want to go, that is when she should have said so. Don't just let this slide. It's rude. I can't help but think this relationship isn't going to work going forward. I completely understand wanting to go to a show with your girlfriends or doing something with a group on your birthday and see everyone, not just one person, your bf, but she at the least should have invited you to go with them all. If she didn't even do that, she's probably just not that into the relationship. Now, on the other hand, if you knew she was talking about going with her friends before you started talking about you two going, then she's right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 She's being a little selfish & I understand why you are hurt. You thought this band was "your" thing as a couple but she's not seeing it that way. Try to take a step back. Don't let this small difference derail your relationship Plan a great guys' night out so you are busy doing something fun while she's at the show. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 It's rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. It's normal and fine to do things with your friends only, but not a concert your man has already made clear he'd like to go to with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Thanks for the replies. It helps to know that I am right in thinking she is wrong in doing this. The trip I took her on cost me about $4,000. The trip was all on me and I did it for her. It's a bit of a slap in the face and does make me question if I am with the right person! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I think she's wrong about this. While she may be feeling that because you and she already saw this band together on her birthday, going with her girlfriends shouldn't be a big deal--she still should have said something to you since you brought this up to her as something you wanted for the two of you to do together long before she thought of going with her girls. Her actions basically told you exactly where you stand with her and how she intends on conducting herself when these sorts of matters conflict. If you call yourself being in a relationship, then there are obligations that come with this level of relationship--one of those things is considering your partner and not gaslighting them when you know damb well they've made plans on a certain date with you and you blow them off to go do it instead with your girls---like you never had a conversation or wasn't aware that those plans exist. To me, this kind of behavior means she's playing you for a fool... might be time to reconsider being such a selfish person. I'd be pissed off, too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Thoughtless and insensitive indeed! So she's in her 40's and divorced, eh? Think this might have something to do with that? Discount anything she has told you about it. Talk to someone who knows the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 all of the above and i think what she did was also lame and tacky. Everything has its consequences. She did that and understandably your feelings changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 The trip I took her on cost me about $4,000. The trip was all on me and I did it for her. It's a bit of a slap in the face and does make me question if I am with the right person! A slap in the face is an understatement. She is being selfish and cruel. If she didn't want to go with you she should have told you weeks ago as soon as you mentioned it, and if the gf trip was a last minute thing then the decent thing to do was to invite you along... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Again, thanks for the responses. I think it's one of those cases where I want this relationship to work so bad that I don't want to realize the truth - that she is not as serious about this relationship as I am. And I probably have more of a fear of being alone if I break up with her than actually losing her. Not a fun position to be in! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 ... she is not as serious about this relationship as I am. And I probably have more of a fear of being alone if I break up with her than actually losing her. Not a fun position to be in! Seize the day! Easier to find someone new in your 40's than in your 50's, 60's, 70s... after being beaten down by some woman who does not respect you or what you do for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 She basically ditched you on a date ... stood you up ... How can you not feel upset about that? What she did was reveal she's not thinking of you and her the way you think of you and her ... And then ... perhaps most alarming, she casually drops this on you ... and gets defensive when you explain your hurt. Dude she is either seriously manipulative (she didn't really casually drop this info) ... or she's seriously blind to your feelings ... or both. None of these options is good. Plant a red flag right here, right now. My gut says NO WAY this is the first time she's acted like this. No way is this the first instance in a year and a half of her acting with blatant disregard for your feelings. Impossible--says my gut. What sayeth you? Honestly, I don't think you want to try to fake like you're over this ... This incident is worth you holding on to your upset ... until she does something that addresses your hurt. By holding on to your upset, I don't mean going passive aggressive. No, I mean not hiding your upset. I mean just standing in your disappointment. Don't lash out, but don't pretend you just snapped out of your feelings. I've been in situations like this and reflecting back, the worst thing I did was to fake like this was a minor thing. Faking comes with huge costs ... and pretending this didn't happen comes with huge cost. The bad news is that you may need to face the possibility that you are dating someone who is seriously blind to your feelings. Is that the kind of relationship you want? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 It's hard to face the truth sometimes isn't it? No, it's not the first time that she has disregarded my feelings. I give and give so much and certainly don't feel like I am getting as much back in return. She doesn't think it's a big deal, but after a year and a half she has yet to say "I Love You". I am a very warm and romantic person, so things like saying I love you are very important. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I think it's time to look for a better match. I think plenty of 40ish ladies would be happy to meet someone and be happy to say "I love you." Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Again, thanks for the responses. I think it's one of those cases where I want this relationship to work so bad that I don't want to realize the truth - that she is not as serious about this relationship as I am. And I probably have more of a fear of being alone if I break up with her than actually losing her. Not a fun position to be in! but you know what? Being alone is far better than being with someone who plays you for a fool. At least your intelligence isn't being insulted. Someone as caring as you are (by virtue of the examples you've laid out here of what you've done for her so far) will not be alone for long. You just have to not want a person so badly that you'll put up with the crap they dish out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 She doesn't think it's a big deal, but after a year and a half she has yet to say "I Love You". She's into what you can do for her, not you. I would not spend another dime on her. Let her figure out how to get by without $4g all expenses paid trips. That's not a quality woman--that's a selfish, manipulative female who's out for what she can get from you and if you want to be happy in your later life, avoid this type of female. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Ok, so yes, I figured she had done this before ... and look, I've been the nice guy before ... I'm sure you know by now: that doesn't work. By nice I don't mean kind and warm ... I mean someone going the extra mile even when someone else is distant ... and quickly ignoring all the problems. Dude, your story reminds me of a story from my childhood ... when a close friend literally ditched me for another friend ... I have never forgotten that. Never! Time to start making it towards the exits ... Her not prioritizing you for the concert ... in favor of girlfriends ... that shows some serious disconnection from the relationship. You will still feel her attraction every now and then ... but time to end this misery. Unless you want to "fight." I don't mean punches-violence. I mean take a stand and be as tense as required, but do not back down one inch. This kind of behavior is worth a full-on conflict. But frankly, I don't think taking a stand here will change the dynamic of the relationship. But start thinking that next time, you have to confront this kind of the behavior the first time you see it ... Link to post Share on other sites
fairyfloff Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 ditch her! I am available 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I give and give so much and certainly don't feel like I am getting as much back in return.The one who loves the most has the LEAST power. That would be you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 The one who loves the most has the LEAST power. That would be you. I agree with this. You feel owed, which is making you feel resentment. When you are at this stage, it's time to take a good look at where you are at. IMO you need to stop giving and giving in relationships. You should be waiting for some kind of reciprocation before you give again. Her planning to see this band with her girlies is her way of letting you know where you stand with her. She did it on purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 So, I guess I am a point of should I stay or should I go? There are many great things about this relationship - very little drama, have a lot of fun together, have a lot in common. But, some issues keep on coming up - me feeling like I am giving more, the feeling that I am more serious about this relationship, etc. One thing I can't help but think of...am I just a placeholder? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 So, I guess I am a point of should I stay or should I go? Well, if you stay, there will be trouble--if you go, it will be double There are many great things about this relationship - very little drama, have a lot of fun together, have a lot in common. But, some issues keep on coming up - me feeling like I am giving more, the feeling that I am more serious about this relationship, etc. One thing I can't help but think of...am I just a placeholder? Stay if you can get over this before she gets back and never bring it up ever again. And understand that by staying, you're telling her by your actions that while you'll pout and stomp about, you're not going to leave and she can do it again in the future because there are no real consequences applied. If you can't do that, then you need to bounce. I think that you are a placeholder. Tell you what: stop paying for stuff for her and see how she acts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 22, 2019 Author Share Posted March 22, 2019 So, I have decided that we need to take a break. I told her that let's not see each other in person for 2 weeks and at that time we can have a talk about our issues with the concert at that time. She really likes to get in her mind and think about things and I am hoping during this break that she realizes how good she has things with me and it's a little bit of a wake up call. Maybe that's what happens, maye it doesn't, but I do know I need to make some kind of stand with her as I am tired of her not being as committed to this relationship as I am. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cecil26 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. We are both in our 40's, divorced and each of kids of our own. We have a lot of fun together and have a good connection. I said "I love you" to her about 5 months into the relationship. And while she has shown me in many different ways that she does indeed love me, she still hasn't said those 3 words. Should that be a red flag? Her ex-husband was not a very warm, loving person and she has told me that she can't believe she found someone that is so romantic and loving. Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Threads on similar topic merged Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Yellow flag. Talk to her. Ask her how she feels about the words & what they mean to her. Then segue into how she feels about you. My husband wasn't very verbal about the ILYs but I explained to him that after events like 9/11 they took on added meaning to me because I never wanted to be in a situation where those were not the last words I said to somebody important to me. Now I say it & mean it when I talk to people who are important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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