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Have we reached an impassible impasse?


HankTheTank

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HankTheTank

My girlfriend and I have hit what feels like an impasse. Quick backstory. We’re both in our early 40’s and came into this with fully formed lives. I’m divorced with 2 young kids. She does not have any kids and this relationship is the longest she has ever been in. We have been dating 14 months. Our relationship got off to a great start – we connected on pretty much every level: emotionally, physically, mentally. We have had a few tough moments, but we’ve always worked our way through them.

 

Last night was unexpectedly rough. She came home and was immediately upset. There were 2 small incidents that seemed to set her off. I want to say that I feel like I’m a very dependable guy. I’m always there when she needs me. When something needs to get done – I get it done. I consistently kind and understanding. She proceeded to give me the silent treatment. She ate dinner in our room and then left the house – just telling me she needed to go out and have some alone time. It really shook me up. If there had been a pattern of carelessness or thoughtlessness I could understand it, but there isn’t any of that.

 

I sent her a message an hour later. All I could think to do was to apologize for what I got wrong (I won’t go into details, but it was very minor). I was consistent in my tone. I tried to not come across as upset. She responded in a pretty angry manner. It made me feel pretty crummy.

 

She eventually came home and we talked. It felt like she made most of the conversation about her and when I tried to talk about how I was feeling I was made to feel like I was speaking out of turn or that I was just complaining. I was made to feel (and this isn’t the first time) that whatever I feel can never be as valid as what she feels because she has been through more in life than I have. I don’t think that is true.

 

She is facing a significant health issue. I don’t want to discount that and I don’t know how much it impacts what is going on. In a nutshell, she feels she has hopes and dreams she needs to pursue and that she needs to devote her time and energy towards those goals. She feels she has had to reevaluate her priorities. She feels she needs to devote less time and energy to trying to be a part of my family – specifically, my life with my kids. She wants to devote that time to her desires. I want to be clear that I have never expected her to take care of my kids. I have asked her for anything, but I have always tried to make her feel welcome – to feel like she is (or can be) a part of our family.

 

She feels like she is making a concession by staying with me – something she is willing to do. There are things she thinks she can’t have if she stays with me (she is pretty independent), but she’s willing to do it. I feel like I’m also having to make a concession – I want a partner. I think it is okay to have individual dreams and goals and desires, but that if you’re truly a partner – there should be a lot of mutual goals that we want to achieve together.

 

I don’t know if I’m doing a great job of explaining any of this. I don’t know where to go from here. There is a part of me that just says walk away – that this is not going to work. If we’re not on the same path – will we ever be? She said she doesn’t see us a partners and acted like that shouldn’t be surprising after just 14 months. I don’t agree with that.

 

I don’t want this to be the end of the road. I really do love her. I’m willing to make a go at this and to try and understand and to see what comes next – but only to a certain point. I just don’t know how to proceed, either. I feel distance after last night. I feel anxious. When she said goodbye this morning before work it felt “normal”, but also stiff and formal. The crazy thing is that I felt super connected to her on Tuesday morning, but then the bottom just fell out.

 

Anyone have any advice?

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...I won’t go into details, but it was very minor...

Anyone have any advice?

 

She didn't think it was very minor. What happened?

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She's in her 40's and never made it past 14 months in a relationship? There's a reason and you are now seeing that. She has a one track selfish mind. Sorry to say this but she doesn't fit into anyone's life, not even yours. You have 2 young children, you want them to have a nice stable environment...this woman will not provide that. I'm no doctor, but she could have mental health issues. She hid it from you in the beginning...now it's all coming to the surface. I say she could have BPD. Would explain the highs and lows in her personality and the reason why she's never been able to have LTR. Listen to your gut...walk away.

Edited by smackie9
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I forgot to pick something up at the store.

 

How important was it? Was it something like medication to keep someone alive or milk? (I'm assuming milk.)

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HankTheTank
She's in her 40's and never made it past 14 months in a relationship? There's a reason and you are now seeing that. She has a one track selfish mind. Sorry to say this but she doesn't fit into anyone's life, not even yours. You have 2 young children, you want them to have a nice stable environment...this woman will not provide that. I'm no doctor, but she could have mental health issues. She hid it from you in the beginning...now it's all coming to the surface. I say she could have BPD. Would explain the highs and lows in her personality and the reason why she's never been able to have LTR. Listen to your gut...walk away.

 

Yeah, some of this has definitely crossed my mind. I was close to walking away last night. I feel like I deserve more than this. I'm trying to gather my thoughts this morning (I didn't sleep great last night) - but this needs to be figured out sooner than later. Like I said - I want to try and make it work, but it feels hopeless and pointless right now.

 

I have never leaned on her to pick up any slack in regards to parenting or the kids. I've just left the door open for her to feel like she can contribute if she wants. I've wanted her to feel like she can be a part of this family if she wants to be. That's all.

 

It's also like anything I say or feel is never good enough for her. I can never know how hard it is for her because I've never gone through the things she has gone through (not true). We've gone through different things - different challenges. I've lost a child. I've gotten divorced.

 

I don't know. I feel very bitter right now. I was pretty blunt last night, but I'm not sure she actually heard me. I want to walk away, but I also want to try and make it work.

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HankTheTank
How important was it? Was it something like medication to keep someone alive or milk? (I'm assuming milk.)

 

Something like milk.

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It sounds like the two minor incidents were just what tipped you guys towards talking about other things she had on her mind. I would say to listen to your gut and how what she's saying makes you feel. But, I also understand not wanting to leave the relationship. Why not just stand your ground about your priorities, and ask her to let you know when she's made up her mind about what she wants next in life? That way you haven't left the relationship prematurely, but don't have to sacrifice about what you ultimately are looking for in a relationship. Sounds like you are already good at listening to her concerns and not running away- both are good skills that will serve you well regardless of how it turns out.

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Small things are indicative of bigger problems, like disrespect. That's why they are often the final straw. Then if you minimize your negligence by trying to gaslight and say how it was such a small thing, as you have done here, that adds insult to injury.

 

So I'm going to gaslight you back. Truth is you drug your feet about helping her out in this very small way because you didn't want to do it and maybe don't want her to start depending on you for even small things, don't want to get that started. You may think you do a lot for her, but when it's always only what you choose to do, not what needs to be done, it's still dragging feet and disrespect.

 

If you want to make a life with someone, you don't drag feet and you get in there and make a life together. If not, get out and simplify their life. Sounds like she's got enough on her plate that she doesn't need another person unless they are all in and make her life easier instead of harder.

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HankTheTank
It sounds like the two minor incidents were just what tipped you guys towards talking about other things she had on her mind. I would say to listen to your gut and how what she's saying makes you feel. But, I also understand not wanting to leave the relationship. Why not just stand your ground about your priorities, and ask her to let you know when she's made up her mind about what she wants next in life? That way you haven't left the relationship prematurely, but don't have to sacrifice about what you ultimately are looking for in a relationship. Sounds like you are already good at listening to her concerns and not running away- both are good skills that will serve you well regardless of how it turns out.

 

I agree about the two minor incidents. I'm willing to continue the conversation for now. I do care about her and there has been too much that has been very good about this relationship - but I do need to be honest about how this is making me feel. We have been good at communicating, but last night it didn't feel that way. I was having a lot of trouble understanding her. I really tried. It also didn't really feel like a two way conversation. I felt like she really wasn't hearing me.

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HankTheTank

I'm finding that as the day goes on - my anger is turning into sadness. I'm feeling really blue.

 

Our routine is that I always send a good morning text and then she "loves" the text back. I did it this morning - not sure why.

 

She called - which she rarely does. She only had a moment to talk. She asked me how I was doing. I said I was okay. She said she was sad. She sounded pretty miserable.

 

It was clear that neither one of us had the answers we were looking for. It was also clear that neither one of knew what this meant for our future.

 

I'm just feeling really sad - a deep down sadness. I'm not sure if I'm grieving for something that is already gone or not. I'm also very tired and I just want the drama to go away. I want life to go back to how it was before we started dating. I also want to at least keep talking. It feels very hard to just give up at this point.

 

I have to be ready for that possibility. This might be the beginning of the end. I'll be okay whatever happens.

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HankTheTank
Small things are indicative of bigger problems, like disrespect. That's why they are often the final straw. Then if you minimize your negligence by trying to gaslight and say how it was such a small thing, as you have done here, that adds insult to injury.

 

So I'm going to gaslight you back. Truth is you drug your feet about helping her out in this very small way because you didn't want to do it and maybe don't want her to start depending on you for even small things, don't want to get that started. You may think you do a lot for her, but when it's always only what you choose to do, not what needs to be done, it's still dragging feet and disrespect.

 

If you want to make a life with someone, you don't drag feet and you get in there and make a life together. If not, get out and simplify their life. Sounds like she's got enough on her plate that she doesn't need another person unless they are all in and make her life easier instead of harder.

 

I never said that. I never tried to minimize my negligence. I forgot to pick something up from the store. That never happens. I am very dependable. I have always been there to meet her on every level. I'm consistent with my emotions. When she needs something - it has always gotten done.

 

I have worked very hard to make a life together. If anything - she has been the one unwilling to commit. I have been all in. I have never dithered. I opened up my life and did everything I could to make her feel welcome - to help her feel that we had a place together.

 

How do you know I drug my feet? I never said that. I didn't happen that way at all. How do you know I didn't want to do it? Why wouldn't I? How do you know I didn't want to do it because I didn't want her to rely on me for even small things? You're making a lot of assumptions. I have never complained about helping her. I've never felt resentful or put out.

 

Maybe I'm reading this wrong - please correct me if I am - but how you describe my situation isn't anything close to what we're going through.

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IMO the only way to work this out is for her to own it. She needs to admit she has a problem, to take responsibility, go get diagnosed, and start treatment/counseling/drug therapy. But even then, there are no guarantees any of this will work. You can't fix this, she has to.

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I'm agreeing with Smackie, ur gf is in her 40's and her longest relationship is less than 14 months. Not a good record. Also she's dealing with an illness and unfullfilled dreams in mid-life. She has unhappiness that's unrelated to you.

 

I think the biggest problem is that she said she doesn't see you as a partner. But you see her as a partner, so you are not like-minded on this starting point. I won't say if she is not a partner-minded person, or she just needs more time (although, if this is her longest relationship, for her she's exploring uncharted territory here).

 

If you want to work this out, then just hang in there. When you feel she only talks about her feelings, is not hearing you out, and when you speak it's as if you are speaking out of turn, give way, her have the floor. Tell her you will take turns speaking, she should go first, and you will tell your side later when she is ready to listen. Then you just listen.

 

Remember that when your partner is not hearing you, it doesn't mean she never hears you, it just means she couldn't hear you at that moment. Trusting that she will hear you later, is part of being a partner.

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So you forgot to pick up "something like milk." What was the second incident she was upset about? If you want better advice, we need details.

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HankTheTank
So you forgot to pick up "something like milk." What was the second incident she was upset about? If you want better advice, we need details.

 

Fair enough. The dog jumped on the couch - a habit we're trying to break. She got upset because she felt she is the only one who consistently disciplines the dog (and it's not her dog). I don't agree with that. I have also been consistently working on it. I feel like this is something we're all working on - even the kids - so I did not understand the anger over this.

 

It is not my MO to not follow through on things. I always do - within reason. If I had a track record of not following through I could understand why she would be so upset.

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HankTheTank
I'm agreeing with Smackie, ur gf is in her 40's and her longest relationship is less than 14 months. Not a good record. Also she's dealing with an illness and unfullfilled dreams in mid-life. She has unhappiness that's unrelated to you.

 

I think the biggest problem is that she said she doesn't see you as a partner. But you see her as a partner, so you are not like-minded on this starting point. I won't say if she is not a partner-minded person, or she just needs more time (although, if this is her longest relationship, for her she's exploring uncharted territory here).

 

If you want to work this out, then just hang in there. When you feel she only talks about her feelings, is not hearing you out, and when you speak it's as if you are speaking out of turn, give way, her have the floor. Tell her you will take turns speaking, she should go first, and you will tell your side later when she is ready to listen. Then you just listen.

 

Remember that when your partner is not hearing you, it doesn't mean she never hears you, it just means she couldn't hear you at that moment. Trusting that she will hear you later, is part of being a partner.

 

You make some very good points. Yeah, the issue of what it means to be a partner is a big deal. She said she doesn't see us as partners and I do. I feel that is so important in a relationship. It's okay to have our own dreams and goals, but there should be dreams and goals we work on together. I feel she's pushing back on that and deciding her dreams and goals are more important than anything else.

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So you forgot to pick up "something like milk." What was the second incident she was upset about? If you want better advice, we need details.

 

I should add that this is not the norm for our relationship. We have both always been mutually grateful for what we bring and understanding when things don't work out. Part of my reaction was just shock that she was so upset. If I had a history of being unreliable or grumpy or whatever I could understand that maybe this was just the straw that broke the camel's back - but that isn't how it is. I try to be as reliable and dependable as I can be.

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If she's saying she doesn't see you as partners and by that, she is meaning that she isn't wanting a partner, then that's what you're up against and not much you can do about it. I mean, you can't make someone want to partner up, period.

 

She doesn't have kids and all of a sudden, she has you and kids and a dog and is ill. She isn't wanting to partner up with all that. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. It means this is not the lifestyle for her. It is just putting strain on her and making life way more complicated for her than it has to be. I bet she wants to come home to an empty house and just not be responsible for anyone but herself.

 

Would it be different if you were not a parent? Maybe so. Less complicated. Less stress, less work, calmer home.

 

I just think she likes you but not enough to change lifestyles for you and hasn't the energy to take all that on. Is part of it her fault? Yes, of course. She should have known her capacity and never agreed to it. I think she's telling you now that she would rather be on her own. I'm sorry. I just don't see why she would want to stay in this situation. She isn't happy. It's stressing her out. I think you need separate places. I don't know that there's much point in continuing to date though knowing this isn't the lifestyle for her, instant family, etc.

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The dog jumped on the couch - a habit we're trying to break. She got upset because she felt she is the only one who consistently disciplines the dog

 

when someone feels no control over other parts of life (illness, unfullfilled dreams, career problems, etc), then they can get very upset over things like controlling the dog.

 

her problems are becoming yours as well. This is mutual. Try more team work? I don't think people need to have perfect lives before trying for a relationship. You take on a bit of each other's worries and give mutual support. There is no "competition" for who's had a rougher past. You're supposed to be on the same side. I hope she understands that.

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If she's saying she doesn't see you as partners and by that, she is meaning that she isn't wanting a partner, then that's what you're up against and not much you can do about it. I mean, you can't make someone want to partner up, period.

 

She doesn't have kids and all of a sudden, she has you and kids and a dog and is ill. She isn't wanting to partner up with all that. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. It means this is not the lifestyle for her. It is just putting strain on her and making life way more complicated for her than it has to be. I bet she wants to come home to an empty house and just not be responsible for anyone but herself.

 

Would it be different if you were not a parent? Maybe so. Less complicated. Less stress, less work, calmer home.

 

I just think she likes you but not enough to change lifestyles for you and hasn't the energy to take all that on. Is part of it her fault? Yes, of course. She should have known her capacity and never agreed to it. I think she's telling you now that she would rather be on her own. I'm sorry. I just don't see why she would want to stay in this situation. She isn't happy. It's stressing her out. I think you need separate places. I don't know that there's much point in continuing to date though knowing this isn't the lifestyle for her, instant family, etc.

 

Yeah, there is probably some of this going on. It would appear that she has made a decision regarding what she wants and that is she wants to pursue the dreams and goals she set for herself before we started dating. I guess I don't begrudge her for that. She's led an independent life for years and she took a chance on me and I guess it's not as fulfilling as it needs to be. I can't fix that and I don't think it's something I should try and force. If this is how it needs to be - then this is how it has to be. It makes me sad, but I also have to recognize that there are some things I can't change.

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emeraldgreen

I don't think what either of you wants sounds unreasonable, just not aligned with the other. It's hard to say why she feels that the family unit is in the path of accomplishing her personal goals, but if she feels that way, she must act accordingly and you should let her.

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Yeah, there is probably some of this going on. It would appear that she has made a decision regarding what she wants and that is she wants to pursue the dreams and goals she set for herself before we started dating. I guess I don't begrudge her for that. She's led an independent life for years and she took a chance on me and I guess it's not as fulfilling as it needs to be. I can't fix that and I don't think it's something I should try and force. If this is how it needs to be - then this is how it has to be. It makes me sad, but I also have to recognize that there are some things I can't change.

 

As someone who stayed independent, I can tell you that this would be a radical change for someone like me at any stage in my life. I mean, sure, you have a right to be hurt by it. I mean, unless she told you up front that she wasn't sure she could handle living together as a family, then she went along with it of her free will. I'm afraid if you stay, things will just degenerate until it gets ugly.

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As someone who stayed independent, I can tell you that this would be a radical change for someone like me at any stage in my life. I mean, sure, you have a right to be hurt by it. I mean, unless she told you up front that she wasn't sure she could handle living together as a family, then she went along with it of her free will. I'm afraid if you stay, things will just degenerate until it gets ugly.

 

She did go along with it. To be fair, I don't think either one of us knew what to expect.

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