Lost...what do I do next?

[essa]

I have known my boyfriend for over a year, but we’ve only been official for a few months. It was a very rocky road to us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, mostly because of distance.

 

Before we dated, he got out of a seven year relationship (I just got out of a two year relationship). His relationship ended badly and he constantly talks about it. One of the main issues was how he centered his life around his ex and in the process did not have/make many friends. He is trying to restore that and sometimes seems more serious about making new friendships/going out in a group than being with me. He has not introduced me to any of his friends back home (we are still doing distance) and is sometimes sketchy about even mentioning he has a girlfriend. We have met each other's families and I've introduced him to many of my friends.

 

Most of the times when we are together, it is wonderful. We have fun with each other and he has done many things that proves he wants to be with me.

 

This past weekend, I traveled up 5 hours to see him. He had gone out the night before and was hungover which upset me because he didn't seem to want to do much when I arrived (I felt like an after-thought or imposition). I have very bad anxiety and I lashed out because he does not seem serious/committed to me at times.

 

We got into a fight about distance and me not meeting his friends. He said he “hit his breaking point”, but we ended off on an okay note after I repeatedly apologized.

 

I am very lost for where to go next. I fear that my lashing out will drive him away, but that he doesn’t want to have those serious talks and just wants to have a “good time”.

 

Worst part is that he’s childhood friends with one of my best friends. Our friendship has already been affected, but I am scared that it may be completely ruined if it goes downhill.

 

If anybody has advice for what to do next/how to act/what to say, I am open to hearing anything.

[kendahke]

I would advise to stop fighting and get a grip on yourself before you start lashing out-- doing that puts you further from what you say you want, so avoid that behavior.

 

He sounds to me like he's got a distinct life there where he lives, like you have a distinct life where you live, and he indulges his life--goes out drinking, wakes up drunk the next day even though you're there.

 

If the thought of you being there the next day had no impact on how he proceeded once you showed up, then you need to do some really hard thinking because your relationship doesn't mean the same to him as it does to you.

[Redhead14]

Lashing out is usually the result of poor communication between partners, not having quality/effective discussions/conversations about issues that remain unresolved and then pent up anger and frustration is finally unleashed in an ugly, non-productive way.

 

Without effective, "serious" talks, the relationship cannot move forward. You're seeing a glimpse of the future with him. You will find yourself exhausted and put upon because you'll be doing all the work in the relationship. You're feeling that way now, imagine years of this.

 

after I repeatedly apologized

 

What were YOU apologizing for? Lashing out? or letting him know how you were feeling after driving 5 hours to see him for nothing???? If you lashed out in an ugly way, yeah, I'd apologize for that, but not for letting him know how he's made you feel.

 

He sounds immature and unfocused on a future with you. You can do better, I'm sure. You're feeling like he's not serious/committed because . . . he isn't. You drove 5 hours to see him and he's unavailable -- you're doing all the work. You're making it too easy for him. Does he ever come to see you?

[BC1980]

How long has he been out of his 7 year relationship?

[smackie9]

I agree, you can do better because this all he can offer you...a sometimes OK BF, and other times not. You want someone who is consistent. He's still trying to figure out who he is and what he wants....nowhere near ready for a relationship. You can't fix that, he needs to do this alone. I would call it quits.

[Redhead14]

Unless you want to be Frankenstein . . . find a man who's already put together.

 

Seriously, though. This guy doesn't seem ready for a girlfriend/relationship. I think you already got that clue but you want us to tell you how to make him be the guy you need/wish he would be. It doesn't work that way.

Edited March 18, 2019 by Redhead14

[Lotsgoingon]

Most likely you lashed out because you aren't taking a stand--you're feeling unappreciated in the relationship. Suggestion: next time you feel so enraged you want to lash out ... skip it ... instead, that's your cue walk out.

 

The first moment you realized he wasn't ready for your visit, get back in your car and drive back home and do not take his calls for three days. That's the way to send a message. And it's 100 times more effective than lashing out.

 

When we lash out, all the other person does is get mad at us for lashing out--and the original problem that led to the lashing out, gets ignored. Parents use that trick all the time when a kid lashes out (they change the focus to the rudeness of the lashing out) ... and the kid ends up feeling guilty even if the kid has a point.

 

Forget your friend. You don't stay in relationship or put up with nonsense because your bf is friends with someone else. I have great friends who I wouldn't dare presume are wonderful in a romantic relationship with someone else.

 

You're on the defensive (as evidence by your ridiculous worry about your friend's regard) most likely because the relationship isn't working for you.

 

You can yell or bully someone into being the kind of partner you want. You can though walk yourself out ... and in the process tell the person you won't put up with their nonsense.