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GF Went on Vacation with Ex Husband and Child


LiveKhaos

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I’ve been dating this beautiful and amazing woman for almost a year now. We live about an hour apart. Our relationship is like any other, not perfect, sometimes a bit rocky, but we love each other and get through it.

 

We’ve both been married before. About 2 months ago she texts me and let’s me know that her ex husband (which they were together for 7 years and divorced for about a year in a half) is going to South America with their 4 year old and his family. She said she didn’t feel comfortable letting her son go alone with his father for because it’s her sons first time out of the country.

 

So her solution was to embark on this week long trip with them. Now, she wasn’t asking me, she was telling me and she was letting me know that she had plans to purchase her ticket.

 

I expressed to her that I felt uncomfortable with this and this was not normal in my eyes. I also said it’s not that I didn’t trust her, but that being in a beautiful country for the first time, doing fun things and drinking could lead to a perfect situation where temptation could arise. All it takes is an instance to commit a mistake and she was in essence placing herself in a vulnerable situation.

 

She said she understood, but for me not to worry and this is where trust comes into play.

 

I’m pretty upset to say the least. She left Saturday on this trip. She’s been communicating with me somewhat, although I don’t expect much communication given the lack of reception and WiFi.

 

I know for a fact that if I were to do this with my ex and my children she would not be ok with it at all. Nor should I or would I place her in that position.

 

I haven’t met her ex husband yet, though she’s told him about me and I hang out with her and her son from time to time.

 

I just don’t know if I could continue to be with someone that would do things like this periodically. I think it’s crossing the line. I also do not think she would not take the opportunity to do this again as this is her only son and I think she uses that as an excuse.

 

I’d like to get some input. I don’t feel like I’m overreacting. I’m not the really jealous type. I’m just big on not having lines crossed.

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Dating is a tryout. Ex's hook up all the time when conditions are ripe.

 

No one wants an X in the mix in any way. If the shoe was on the other foot she wouldn't like it.

 

If you're looking for a long term relationship this isn't it.

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bathtub-row

It would piss me off immensely. While I understand her not wanting her son to go out of the country without her, if they live in the States, she could prevent her ex from taking the child because it requires the consent of both parents. There’s no need to take a child that young to South America. Even if the ex has family there, as a parent, I wouldn’t let it happen. I think what she did in this case was disrespectful to you. At a minimum, she should’ve discussed it with you instead of announcing it.

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Bud if you're smart you never put more importance or effort into someone who doesn't do the same for you.

 

She didn't ask she told you. Which means you don't matter that much.

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Thank you for the responses. The ex doesn’t have family in South America, he was going with his mother, father, brother their family as well as his sister and her kids. I honestly just didn’t see the point in her going, except that she actually wanted to go.

 

I felt like she did want to go. But she had been making it seem like she didn’t and she was only going because of her son.

 

Everything has been fine except up until this point. I think I’m going to end it when she gets back. I’m highly disappointed, mostly in the sense that she could’ve at least pretended to ASK me or for my opinion rather than telling me.

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Two things stand out to me here

 

She said she didn’t feel comfortable letting her son go alone with his father for because it’s her sons first time out of the country.

 

This doesn't make sense. If the ex is capable with their son on home ground, there's no reason he can't be capable out of the country.

 

I also said it’s not that I didn’t trust her, but that being in a beautiful country for the first time, doing fun things and drinking could lead to a perfect situation where temptation could arise.

 

In other words, you don't trust her. Given the lame reason she gave for going with them, I don't blame you for not trusting them.

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She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy.

 

Before we made it official, she also went with her ex, her mom and her son on a weekend vacation to the beach for her sons birthday. I felt uncomfortable, but her mom was going and this was very early on, before we were official.

 

It seems this wouldn’t stop. At least for the next several years, or until she has another child.

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Two things stand out to me here

 

 

 

This doesn't make sense. If the ex is capable with their son on home ground, there's no reason he can't be capable out of the country.

 

 

 

In other words, you don't trust her. Given the lame reason she gave for going with them, I don't blame you for not trusting them.

 

Yes that was one of the things I told her. If he can take care of his son here and stays with him for several days to a week at a time, then why wouldn’t he be able to take him out of the country? Plus his parents and other family were going.

 

To your other statement. I’ve come to terms with the possibility that I just don’t trust her as much as I thought I did. Given the sometimes inappropriate relationship she has with her ex and his family.

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bathtub-row
This doesn't make sense. If the ex is capable with their son on home ground, there's no reason he can't be capable out of the country.

 

It actually does make sense. It’s a whole different thing for your child to be on foreign soil. If someone wanted to bolt with the child, that’s the perfect way to do it. But even if it were all legit, if anything happened to them, or your child was stolen or even injured, it’s a whole other thing dealing with your country opposed to a foreign one. I personally wouldn’t have let anyone take my child out of the country at such a young age. Having said that, she was able to stop her ex from doing that.

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But even if it were all legit, if anything happened to them, or your child was stolen or even injured, it’s a whole other thing dealing with your country opposed to a foreign one. I personally wouldn’t have let anyone take my child out of the country at such a young age. Having said that, she was able to stop her ex from doing that.

 

So I take it you wouldn't take your own child on your own either?

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bathtub-row
She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy.

 

I’m on decent terms with my son’s father, my ex. I’m invited to a lot of family events, etc. When our son was young and was in soccer, swimming, etc, my ex and I would greet each other with a hug. We still do. We have a child together and I felt it important not to continue a Cold War with each other. I love my ex’s family and am glad they continue to include me in their lives. However, I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation with my ex, especially if I were dating another guy.

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bathtub-row
So I take it you wouldn't take your own child on your own either?

 

No, I wouldn’t - and I didn’t.

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It actually does make sense. It’s a whole different thing for your child to be on foreign soil. If someone wanted to bolt with the child, that’s the perfect way to do it. But even if it were all legit, if anything happened to them, or your child was stolen or even injured, it’s a whole other thing dealing with your country opposed to a foreign one. I personally wouldn’t have let anyone take my child out of the country at such a young age. Having said that, she was able to stop her ex from doing that.

 

My take on this is she wasn’t and never has shown any signs of being worried that her ex could do something or would do something irresponsible.

 

It’s that this is her only son and she wanted to be a part of his first out of the country experience.

 

Children and people are kidnapped out of the country. But that’s not very common, so I’m pretty positive she want worried about something like that happening.

 

It’s ok to be worried. I have children as well, but at some point if you trust your ex with your child and they’re a good parent then you have to sort of set boundaries and let go of the rope a bit.

 

I speak from experience with my children and ex. We may eat together one day, especially if I’m meeting them and she’s hungry. But that’s a rarity. Lines aren’t crossed, and taking a vacation with her and the children is out of the question, unless her and my significant other were coming as well. But at that point, this would be awkward lol

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I’m on decent terms with my son’s father, my ex. I’m invited to a lot of family events, etc. When our son was young and was in soccer, swimming, etc, my ex and I would greet each other with a hug. We still do. We have a child together and I felt it important not to continue a Cold War with each other. I love my ex’s family and am glad they continue to include me in their lives. However, I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation with my ex, especially if I were dating another guy.

 

Yes I understand. It’s a good point. I’m on decent terms with my ex as well and sometimes attend family functions pertaining to the kids. But I wouldn’t go on vacation with her or go to the movies with her and the kids and other events that could honestly give the kids mixed signals and bring about confusion.

 

Like I said I’m not the overly jealous type. But there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed, especially if you have the feelings of a significant other to consider.

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bathtub-row

A 4-year old would hardly remember the trip at all. It’s not like it’s some memorable event that he’ll treasure. Well, for me, whether it’s rare or not, I just wouldn’t take those risks with my child. And, yes, taking a vacation with an ex is just a bridge too far.

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fieldoflavender

yeah it seems like she wants her original family back together. If you're not cool with it, which is completely fair then end it. Maybe she'll find someone else who is cool with it because they can't get over their ex wife or has a very close relationship too.

 

Whether it's appropriate or not is defined your relationship. You're not comfortable so it's not inappropriate for the two of you. End it before more investment.

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Thank you for the responses. The ex doesn’t have family in South America, he was going with his mother, father, brother their family as well as his sister and her kids. I honestly just didn’t see the point in her going, except that she actually wanted to go.

 

I felt like she did want to go. But she had been making it seem like she didn’t and she was only going because of her son.

 

Everything has been fine except up until this point. I think I’m going to end it when she gets back. I’m highly disappointed, mostly in the sense that she could’ve at least pretended to ASK me or for my opinion rather than telling me.

 

She doesn’t value your relationship enough to ask you.

 

She wanted to go. That says enough.

 

I’d be disappointed too! And it would be a boundary crossed ythat I wouldn’t be able to live with.

 

It will continue to be this way. I would end it. She doesn’t respect you.

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No one wants an X in the middle. Emotionally or physically.

 

They are way too close for her to have a decent relationship with you.

 

You would and probably feel like a 3rd wheel. She's not the type that is gonna change that. In essence her X and what he does with their child is more important than you.

 

If it were me I'd just cut it off before you become more entangled.

 

I'd just say we're not compatible. Leave it at that. This won't go away.

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yeah it seems like she wants her original family back together. If you're not cool with it, which is completely fair then end it. Maybe she'll find someone else who is cool with it because they can't get over their ex wife or has a very close relationship too.

 

Whether it's appropriate or not is defined your relationship. You're not comfortable so it's not inappropriate for the two of you. End it before more investment.

 

It hurts. We’ve been talking about starting a family of our own and eventually getting married. This is a bit difficult. But I just can’t afford to gamble on issues like this.

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She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy.

 

Before we made it official, she also went with her ex, her mom and her son on a weekend vacation to the beach for her sons birthday. I felt uncomfortable, but her mom was going and this was very early on, before we were official.

 

It seems this wouldn’t stop. At least for the next several years, or until she has another child.

 

She's in a whole other relationship. You are correct this won't stop.

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Thank you everyone for your responses. I just wanted to at least get some input on the subject. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting even the least bit.

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It hurts. We’ve been talking about starting a family of our own and eventually getting married. This is a bit difficult. But I just can’t afford to gamble on issues like this.

 

Train wreck more than likely. Unless you like drama

 

I doubt it would be a gamble man. More like a sure thing.

 

You only have a year invested so fold this hand. You play this out you'll wish you hadn't

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While nobody would want the to have this situation happen to them I kinda understand how it happened.. BUT...

 

Sleeping arrangements/separate rooms would be the ultimate test to how I would react.

 

I personally would step back and reconsider things since she mentioned that she has a real close relationship with her ex, while co-parenting smoothly is of the highest priority that doesn't mean you share too close of a relationship with your ex, I would worry she hasn't gotten over him with the buzz words she used.

 

As far as what to do.. sit back and let it play out..nothing you can do since you are not part of the child's life right now.

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doyathinkso
She also told me in the beginning not to feel threatened by her ex because they have a close relationship. It wasn’t until they went to the mall together and a carnival which she told me last minute and a few other events that I felt uneasy.

 

Before we made it official, she also went with her ex, her mom and her son on a weekend vacation to the beach for her sons birthday. I felt uncomfortable, but her mom was going and this was very early on, before we were official.

 

It seems this wouldn’t stop. At least for the next several years, or until she has another child.

 

 

 

 

This does not sound like you are her boyfriend.

 

 

This sounds like you are her dirty little secret.

 

 

Do her ex and family even know that you exist?

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Turning point

The unusually close relationship she still has with the ex and his extended family may not be as important as the fact that you're not a part of it.

 

If this is to be such a huge part of her life and there's no place in it for you - then how is that going to work?

 

If she had wanted you to come along with her that would have sent a different message but, I take it that was never even presented?

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