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Was my gf embarrassing me or am I being too sensitive?


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Old 17th March 2019, 4:46 AM   #1
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Was my gf embarrassing me or am I being too sensitive?

I feel that my girlfriend has been embarrassing me, mostly in front of my friend, let's call her Amanda, to keep things from getting confusion. It's a long story but I feel I had to explain it all, so it could be understood.

The first time I was embarrassed by her with Amanda, was when Amanda has these charity events she holds. She keeps asking me to come to her paint night even, where you pay to learn how to paint for the evening, and you pay $37 USD.

But it seems a bit much and I don't even like painting. The charity is for leukemia research I think she said, but it seems like a lost cause since I don't think there has been much advancement into fixing leukemia last time I checked.

Unless I am wrong?

So I didn't want to go even though she keeps trying to talk to me into it. My gf told her that she would try to 'wear me down' as she put it. But this caused Amanda to really think I was going and I had to turn her down more awkwardly, compared to if my gf didn't say anything at all about going to talk me into coming.

But my friend was okay with me not going I think, it was just an awkward turning down position I was in, compared to just saying I wasn't interested in the first place, without the additional pressure otherwise.

A few weeks later, we went out with the Amanda and some other friends of that friends, for some drinks and food another time, and she asked in front of her and her friends, if I remembered that it was our one year anniversary since we started dating. I actually forgot because I had been going through a lot of problems with work, and in my career life and just really stressed out. So the anniversary just wasn't on my mind unfortunately. I knew it was coming up, but it just came so fast, it feels like with all the stress I've been having, and I forgot about it.

But she was completely shocked that I forgot. I guess that's not too embarrassing, but I figure why did she have to bring it up in front of Amanda and my friends? Unless she was just having harmless conversation and I am overreacting?

So we hung out with the same Amanda a week later. Earlier in the week, a former friend of mind who lives in a different city who I use to have a FWB relationship with before, wanted to visit me while she was in the city on business. We've been friends for about 8 years now, but mostly communicated through messaging long distance. Even though she is a friend who I communicated to long distance, and has become more of a pen pal over the years. She wanted to get coffee and catch up while she was here.

But I didn't think this was appropriate to do with a former FWB while with a gf, so I told the FWB it's not a good idea and not appropriate since I have a gf now. I later told my gf this and the gf said 'it was okay, I trust you, go get coffee and catch up'. But I didn't want to or just didn't feel like it I guess, when having a gf. That time hasn't come up yet, cause she won't be in town till later in, in case anyone was wondering about that. But I still don't feel like going. But the gf says to.

So we hang out with Amanda again, just her and us, and my gf brings up the conversation we had about the former FWB and tells Amanda that she is okay with me going to meet up with her and that she trusts me, etc.

But I was embarrassed by that, cause Amanda might totally get the wrong idea, if I am meeting up with a former FWB, which I didn't even say I was going to... I just think it makes me look bad, and gives a friend of mine the wrong impression of me. It just makes me look weak like I said yes to a former FWB, even though it's just coffee, instead of having it in me to tell her no. Does that make me look bad, or I am overreacting about it?

Now another thing about me and my gf is that I haven't spent the night with her in a while because she has really bad snoring. I mean like really really bad, not to insult her, it's just I had trouble sleeping over cause it was so loud I couldn't sleep. I kept going home really tired after spending the night with her cause I couldn't sleep. The last time, I just slept on the couch in another room after. So after that I just hadn't slept over since, because I couldn't fall asleep cause of the snoring.

Just yesterday, she asked me why I haven't slept over in a while. She asked if it was because I've been working a lot lately? I said 'yes, but--', then we were interrupted by a phone call about something, and the conversation didn't continue after, cause we just forgot I guess, as far as I can remember.

The but was, is that I was going to say "but the real reason why I haven't slept over was cause I couldn't sleep because of the snoring". I just forgot to say that cause of the call.

Then later, last night we hang out with Amanda, I had a few drinks and didn't want to drive home. My gf was being the DD for the evening this time. Amanda said why don't I stay over at her place instead of her driving me home.

And so to answer Amanda's question I turned to my gf and said, "Is it okay if I tell her why I haven't slept over in a while, or no"? She said oh sure, it's okay. So I told Amanda that it was because she snores and I can't sleep cause of that.

She then got really frustrated and said I was totally lying and that I said it was because of work, and that I was going through personal problems with it. I said no that's just what you mentioned and I said that was a more recent part of it, and then I said "but", and then we got a call and the conversation never continued.

But she didn't by that I was going to tell her it was because of the snoring. But she didn't by that and said I was lying and said I was a liar in front of Amanda, and kept being accusatory of it, and being argumentative, in front of her.

And I can understand maybe I mislead her unintentionally in the conversation cause I said, "but" then we got the phone call, and forgot to continue the conversation after.

But I find this strange that she never new it was the snoring and it was a total surprise to her. I told her before on nights that I slept with her, that I had trouble staying away cause of the snoring. The last time I slept on her couch, cause of the snoring, and I told her it was cause of the snoring. So how could she not think the reason why I haven't been going over was cause of the snoring. Sure I might not have spent a few nights recently cause of work more, but that' was like a small reason, compared to the snoring, which I thought I told her before when I said I had trouble sleeping with her because of it.

After I drove Amanda home, I talked with her about it and she said that she was very sorry, and she actually thought I lied and that she had no idea that I misunderstood that I thought one reason of why I wasn't sleeping over, where as she thought another. She said that she was really sorry, and felt bad about it.

But what do you think? Does she have a habit of embarrassing me in front of my friends, at least Amanda for some reason, or am I being too sensitive when she does this, and this is normal?

Last edited by ironpony; 17th March 2019 at 5:27 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:41 AM   #2
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Probably some of both. You do seem sensitive, but there is also no reason to involve Amanda in your discussions or decision making. Tell your gf that you prefer she keep the conversation casual, no relationship issues, when Amanda (or anyone else) is around... and, don't be wishy washy when you do discuss things.

The sleeping over thing is on you because you didn't give her the actual reason previously, and then said it in front of people. Your gf could have easily been offended that you said she snored in front of Amanda, yet you somehow turned that around.

As far as the charity event goes, the right way to handle that is to contribute $37 and politely state that you won't attend, or do any painting, or whatever. You could offer to help her organize it or whatever. But regardless, if you don't want to go state that unequivocally and do not engage that topic again.

These are boundary issues. As people mature they learn where to set them and how to hold them. You may need to practice some.
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:43 AM   #3
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Please let this poor girl go, you have little good to say about her.
She may be a lovely person but bottom line she is not hot enough for your requirements so you need to find someone else who is.
You are nitpicking and causing fights over nothing and making her feel bad when it isn't her fault.
Stop it.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:48 AM   #4
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I found myself speed reading through most of the first post because all this stuff is JUST so petty and nonsensical. The last 3 paragraphs, I only read the first sentence of each just to get to the end of it.

If THIS minor nonsense is the stuff that embarrasses you or causes you anxiety, then maybe you're not ready for an adult long-term relationship. I don't mean that in a snarky way but I'm being honest. This stuff is just so petty and immature and it's almost like reading about a teenage relationship.

My advice to you is to pick your battles WISELY.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:49 AM   #5
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Why do you care so much about what Amanda thinks of you?

I think both you and your girlfriend are sharing too much information with her when there is absolutely no reason to. You and your girlfriend need to work on implementing better boundaries.
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:25 AM   #6
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Leukemia fundraisers are to help advance medicine for it. Some leukemias can be cured and more severe cases are benefitting from stem cell therapy.

Monies from fundraisers are used to help manage the disease as well. I’m not sure why you’d dismiss something you know the people you care about in your life care about.

Too sensitive? It seems in some ways you’re a little insensitive.
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:36 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
Too sensitive? It seems in some ways you’re a little insensitive.
Agreed. The snoring argument was bizarre.
Who would point out to others that he refuses to sleep with his gf because she snores...

.. and then SHE apologises...
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:06 PM   #8
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Agreed. The snoring argument was bizarre.
Who would point out to others that he refuses to sleep with his gf because she snores...

.. and then SHE apologises...
Oh well I thought she new the reason why I didn't sleep with her was because of that. I mean we talked about it before, and I slept on the couch last time because of it and told her that was the reason.

Then when Amanda asks why don't I sleep with her, I didn't think I should say it was because of the snoring, so I asked my gf "well should I tell her" and the gf says sure, only to completely forget about the conversations about why her snoring has kept me awake before. I feel like how could she forget something like that, and thought I was going to say something else as the reason. So I thought she was giving permission for me to point it out, like it's okay, only it turned out she was giving me permission to tell something else entirely.

Quote:
I found myself speed reading through most of the first post because all this stuff is JUST so petty and nonsensical. The last 3 paragraphs, I only read the first sentence of each just to get to the end of it.

If THIS minor nonsense is the stuff that embarrasses you or causes you anxiety, then maybe you're not ready for an adult long-term relationship. I don't mean that in a snarky way but I'm being honest. This stuff is just so petty and immature and it's almost like reading about a teenage relationship.

My advice to you is to pick your battles WISELY.
Well it's not some of the things that she brings up embarrasses me, is that's the way she does it. Why is it when I forgot the concept of having a first date anniversary, or misunderstood what she was given me permission to tell, that she has to get all dramatic about it and act completely surprised out of left field, and she reacts like she is scolding me about it, in front of them. Especially when she accused me of lying in front of a friend?

Accept for the fundraiser and the giving me permission to do coffee things, which weren't but I was just put in awkward situations there, I felt like.

Like when it came to the saying I should go for coffee with a former FWB, even when I totally didn't want to, why did she bring this up to my friend like she was trying to make some sort of relationship point, it seemed?

Last edited by ironpony; 17th March 2019 at 1:33 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 2:00 PM   #9
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Then when Amanda asks why don't I sleep with her, I didn't think I should say it was because of the snoring, so I asked my gf "well should I tell her" and the gf says sure,
Why is this any of Amanda's business to begin with?

It sounds like all three of you have flimsy boundaries and don't know when to implement a social filter.
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Old 17th March 2019, 2:31 PM   #10
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Dude, I hate to say, but you got the makings of a sitcom here.

First of all, I don't get Amanda and her closeness to you ... I have close women friends and I might occasionally bring them with me and a girl friend ... but then it was a meeting of all three of us. And my women friends didn't get into details of my love life in front of my gf ... even if I had given them certain details.

I can tell you're too worried about offending other people and saying no. Until you get comfortable with saying no, you will always be tortured. There is no need to hide that you cannot sleep over with someone because of their snoring. No need to hide that at all.

Your gf can go get help for her snoring if she really wants you over. But you block her from taking action by not giving her key information ... and you wear yourself down in hiding this feeling of yours.

Dude, we want people to suppress nasty thoughts and murderous emotions. Don't call someone nasty names ... don't act on murderous fury ...

But on the day to day stuff of life, speak up! ... Like even tell Amanda your thoughts on leukemia research being worthless ... What would happen is that Amanda would be able to explain to you what she sees as the benefit of her fundraiser. But you're not giving her a chance, because you aren't telling her the truth.

These truths you're withholding and suppressing aren't cruel, killer truths. A relationship needs people to speak these truths so that we can work out disagreements with friends ... sometimes we will find there aren't disagreements.

Boundaries, brother. Google "emotional boundaries" or "boundaries and relationships." Saying "no" doesn't end a relationship ... I don't want to go out to the movies tonight. Fine .. Maybe I'll want to go next weekend. That's fine ... I don't want to go see X movie. I'd rather see Y movie. When you speak up, your gf and friends can say ... OK, I'd like to see Y movie as well ...and if do go to X movie, you tell the person that wasn't your first choice and the person appreciates your sacrifice ... and the next time will go to the movie you choose.

Google "boundaries" and relationships ...
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Old 17th March 2019, 2:47 PM   #11
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What I think is she doesn't mind telling Amanda anything she wants about you and trying to push you into situations you have said no on, but she sure doesn't want you doing the same thing back with Amanda. Poor Amanda. Seems like she's being put in the middle of your gf's manipulations.

I would just tell her, You better stop trying to gaslight me about this snoring business and let her know you're mad. And next time she tries to use Amanda to push you into something, bust her out loud on front of Amanda, just like you did on this snoring deal.

She won't continue what doesn't work. No telling what all she's telling Amanda if she's doing all that around both of you.
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Old 17th March 2019, 2:52 PM   #12
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She knows about the snoring. She just doesn't accept it and is trying to make it your own fault. She can't help the snoring. But it's weird that some people like to be in denial about it. Record it for her sometime. I've known people I couldn't even sleep in the same house with because they were so loud, but even a soft one is too much for me. I have enough sleep disturbances, including my own snoring at times.
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Old 17th March 2019, 2:57 PM   #13
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I wonder about why your GF wouldn't have a problem with you catching up with someone you used to swap bodily fluids with.. do you think it is because she is also close to an old FWB or currently sees one you don't know about ?

Your GF seems like she is playing a game, one you will most likely lose since you haven't a clue why she is playing it....

Why do you think she forgot about the snoring and you losing sleep and having to sleep on the couch ? is she trying to get you to dump her ? why ?
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Old 17th March 2019, 3:44 PM   #14
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She knows about the snoring. She just doesn't accept it and is trying to make it your own fault. She can't help the snoring. But it's weird that some people like to be in denial about it. Record it for her sometime. I've known people I couldn't even sleep in the same house with because they were so loud, but even a soft one is too much for me. I have enough sleep disturbances, including my own snoring at times.
Oh okay, she said she thought that the snoring wasn't REALLY the problem and that the real reason why I wasn't sleeping over was cause of personal issues with work, that I didn't want to discuss.

But I felt that, if that if she thought that there was an ALTERNATE REAL reason, then why didn't she ask me about it, to see if she was right about what she thought the reason was... instead of being totally surprised when I brought up that it was her snoring, thinking we were on the same page, when she gave me the go ahead to tell Amanda the reason.

She was crying and felt super bad to day. She said that she keeps putting me in awkward situations with my friends and she will try to work on it, but she doesn't know what's doing it. She said they were not awkward to her and she doesn't realize they are until I say something later. But she is pretty upset now and feels bad over it, after I went over with it with her.

As to why my gf seems to not have a problem with me catching up with someone I slept with before, I don't know. She just said to do it cause she trusts me and knows I wouldn't do anything, not that I want to do it really.

Last edited by ironpony; 17th March 2019 at 4:27 PM..
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