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Dealing with a non committal man or is it actually complicated?


Loveandshine19

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Loveandshine19

Background:

I'm 27, he's 30.

 

We have been together for a year and a half now.

 

He's been living in another state for 4 months now, as he moved for work and took that job before we even started dating.. and it's an amazing job (would be foolish to turn it down).

 

It's taken a lot of adjustment to living in different states and getting used to only seeing him sometimes only twice a month.

 

He travels a lot for work internationally, so he isn't even home much himself.

 

What's the issue?

 

Well I asked him a few times, if he sees me moving over there eventually.. and that I would like to be there with him.

 

I have two sons, who live with their dads now. One is in kindergarten and the other is 10 years old. They did live with me two years ago, but they live with their dad now as the grandparents are there to help out too.. and financially I couldn't have them both when we separated almost 3 years ago.

 

So I now have the kids during the weekends, usually every second weekend - sometimes more.

 

My boyfriend's reply was "It's complicated, you have two kids.. you can't move state" Even though we are only a 2.5 hour plane ride away.

 

Money for flights aren't an issue as I work in an office for an airline so I get very cheap tickets to travel anyway.

 

I know he loves me, and he has told me he loves me too.. but it's very upsetting and makes me anxious that he won't talk through a plan with me about me moving over eventually.. not now, but maybe end of this year? I can find a new job in his state easily (I have connections there through work).

 

He says, he doesn't want me living in a different state to the kids.. even though I would still continue to see them the same amount of time.

 

He also says his flatmate doesn't want couples living there (they both share the lease on their place) - I don't know if this one is a lie on his behalf.

 

I feel like he is using the kids as an excuse.

 

I love this man, and it hurts because I eventually want to be with him living with him.

 

There is no end date to our long distance relationship right now, and it's making me anxious.

 

Is he not wanting to commit or is it the situation?

 

It doesn't have to be hard, I can move over. That is what I want to do.

 

He keeps saying "what will people say and think if you move and say that you have kids in another state".

 

When I would see the kids the same amount of time anyway.

 

Please help shed some light?

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TheFinalWord

You have to ask yourself:

 

Why are you complicating your life to this degree? There has to be hundreds if not thousands of men in your local area that you can date.

 

You're not free here...you have two children, which should be your top priority. He is recognizing that and does not fault you for that. TBH it sounds like he has the kids interest in mind more than you at the moment.

 

It's just a matter of time and he's trying to tell you that in a round about way. He will meet someone else. I hate to break it to you, but he's trying to give you indirect hints that you shouldn't get too attached to the idea of the two of you.

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littleblackheart

He's not using your children as an excuse, nor is it complicated. He point blank told you he's worried about what other people would think of him shacking up with an 'absent' mother of 2 young children; maybe that's how he sees you too.

 

 

A man can move across the world and barely see his kids, and it's so normal that few people bat an eyelid. You situation is one of those double standards / social taboos.

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Loveandshine19

Yes I do understand that, however I won't be absent because the amount of time I spend with my kids won't be affected from moving.. as I will see them the same amount of time.

 

Travel cost isn't an issue (and it's only 2.5 hours away) so moving won't hinder me seeing my kids, and I will continue seeing them the same as I do now.

 

It's not like I have them in full time care now. That would be a different story if that was the case, but it's not like that.

 

That annoys me that he cares so much about what people think.. so how is this relationship meant to move forward!? It's frustrating as hell.. I want to plan and apply for jobs towards the end of the year if he wants me to move in there.

 

I want to have a future with this man.

 

I agree. It's very unfair! Men / Dads could so this, but because I am a woman and a Mother it's looked upon as taboo and people judge my parenting...

 

I don't care what people think, I want to have a life with this man.

 

I keep telling him that too.. and I get the same answers.

 

He said he wants kids of his own one day too, and that complicates the situation as I already have kids and would be leaving them in another country.

 

It's unfair.

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Loveandshine19
You have to ask yourself:

 

Why are you complicating your life to this degree? There has to be hundreds if not thousands of men in your local area that you can date.

 

You're not free here...you have two children, which should be your top priority. He is recognizing that and does not fault you for that. TBH it sounds like he has the kids interest in mind more than you at the moment.

 

It's just a matter of time and he's trying to tell you that in a round about way. He will meet someone else. I hate to break it to you, but he's trying to give you indirect hints that you shouldn't get too attached to the idea of the two of you.

 

 

Because I love this man, and what we have is special. Clearly we are still going strong, and we have a strong bond.. making long distance work for the past 5 months.. and we still see each other as much as we can (in between work schedules).

 

He has no reason to keep me around, he could get any woman he wants too..

I know he feels the same way and loves me too. He doesn't want this to end (his words), but it's a very complicated situation..

It sucks!

 

I don't know what we are meant to do. I want to make this work, I want a future with him! I want this to work.

 

I can move there easily and still see my kids just as much, he is over complicating this and perhaps can't accept that I have kids...

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Because I love this man, and what we have is special. Clearly we are still going strong, and we have a strong bond.. making long distance work for the past 5 months.. and we still see each other as much as we can (in between work schedules).

 

He has no reason to keep me around, he could get any woman he wants too..

I know he feels the same way and loves me too. He doesn't want this to end (his words), but it's a very complicated situation..

It sucks!

 

I don't know what we are meant to do. I want to make this work, I want a future with him! I want this to work.

 

I can move there easily and still see my kids just as much, he is over complicating this and perhaps can't accept that I have kids...

 

 

The kids are an excuse. He wants to keep you at arms length.

 

He only sees you twice a month and is happy about that.

 

Maybe there is another woman who he is seeing? if I was you, I be calling time on this 'relationship'

 

Also I agree that if you were the dad in this situation, you would be getting different answers from people.

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Curiousroxy86

I know you love him but y'all two obviously don't want the same thing. I don't think he wants to move the relationship forward in that way in my opinion. I think the kids are an excuse. I think you should let him go.

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littleblackheart
He said he wants kids of his own one day too, and that complicates the situation as I already have kids and would be leaving them in another country.

 

He's thinking long term. He may be worried you'd be leaving his kids too.

 

In any event, he always knew he'd be moving, since he got his job prior to meeting you - you both knew, in fact. Maybe this was never a permanent thing for him, you both got invested regardless and now reality is hitting home.

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Mrs._December
Money for flights aren't an issue as I work in an office for an airline so I get very cheap tickets to travel anyway.

I don't get it. You don't even have your own kids because you say you can't afford to have them, but you can afford cheap plane tickets to see your boyfriend?

 

More so, what's to keep you from seeing them when you don't have them? You say you can't afford to have them live with you so they live with their dad, but you ONLY see them every other weekend and no other time. Why aren't you seeing them a lot more besides your every other weekend visits? It costs nothing to take them to the park or to spend a few hours playing games with them, etc. etc.

 

And not to be mean, but why does your boyfriend have to be the one to point out to you that you seem just fine with deserting your own two kids?

 

He says, he doesn't want me living in a different state to the kids.. even though I would still continue to see them the same amount of time.
So, you'd be flying back home every other weekend but be completely physically unavailable to your own kids in between those alternate weekends? And you're actually ok with that?

 

He also says his flatmate doesn't want couples living there (they both share the lease on their place) - I don't know if this one is a lie on his behalf.
Your boyfriend wants no part of this mess you're so anxious to create.

 

He keeps saying "what will people say and think if you move and say that you have kids in another state".
What will your kids think of you happily running off to another state to be with some guy? Surely they already have a compromised view of you, and now you want to compromise that even farther - all because you're more interested in running off to be with some guy. Why would you want to damage your already fragile relationship with them? :cool:

 

He doesn't want any part of a full-time thing with you, LoveandShine19. He's made that painfully clear. He wants no part of it and doesn't want you full-time and doesn't want you living with him and he's using the kids and his roommate not wanting couples and every other excuse he can scrounge up - to keep that from happening. It's pretty easy to see that if he actually WANTED you to move out there, he'd be encouraging you and telling you how you two can find your own place together and he'd be saying how it will all work out and blah blah blah - and he's saying NONE of that.

 

Sadly, you're simply not getting the HINT.

 

I have to be honest. I would want NO part of some man flying 1,000+ miles away from his own children just to be with ME, regardless of his supposed promise to fly there every other weekend. :rolleyes: I couldn't even respect someone who was so willing to do that without so much as a glance backward.

Edited by Mrs._December
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I feel like he is using the kids as an excuse

 

And you would be correct.

He is a "single guy", living a jet setting lifestyle with a gf/fwb that he sees twice a month, what's not to like?

He doesn't want a single mom with two kids moving in and complicating his life.

I doubt he sees you as marriage/ltr material else he would be doing his utmost to make it happen.

You are projecting your feelings of "love" onto him, he is telling you he doesn't want you living with him.

TAKE the hint.

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I see this man questioning your devotion as a mother. He is worried about what others will think of you because he thinks you're a bad mother. He probably feels that your kids should come first and that you would want to be within a short traveling distance in case there was an emergency with them. I wouldn't get my hopes up on moving in or getting married. Will you be able to get your kids back full time at some point? I hope so.

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ExpatInItaly
I see this man questioning your devotion as a mother. He is worried about what others will think of you because he thinks you're a bad mother.

 

This is my take on it, too.

 

He isn't happy with your low involvement with the kids and really does not want you taking yourself any further away from them. He's been cloaking it as being worried about what others might think because he doesn't have the courage to tell you he also shares that opinion.

 

You're at a turning point in your life here, OP. You and he are not on the same page, about living together or parenting. It's time to really step back and ask yourself what the future prospects of this relationship are; it doesn't look good. He doesn't want you coming to him, and yet he isn't likely to leave where he currently is if he's got a good job. I have a feeling a break-up is coming, so I would brace yourself and begin to re-evaluate your choices.

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It's unfair.

 

No it isn't unfair because you have 2 beautiful children where you are. If you can apply for a job there why not apply for a better one where you are so you can afford to spend more time with your kids. I'm sure this is what this man is thinking also that you should be doing instead of chasing after him. Any good man would. He may enjoy his time with you now but I doubt he is planning to take you into his future. He is going to want to marry and start his own family with someone. You already have one.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Yeah, the kids alone is huge from 10 different angles .

And l'd have to wonder what sort of mother would move states away from her young kids too and wouldn't want that on my head nor ask that of a mother.

Flying back's not the same , they need to know and feel you close.

So l think all that alone is huge in all this for him.

But l'd say he's also having doubts about you in other things too.

Edited by chillii
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I think you need to forget about the boyfriend, and focus on your children.

 

Your boyfriend has more sense than you do - you have two children, you can’t move states.

 

The idea that you would move out of state from your children to live with your boyfriend is absolutely INSANE.

 

I’m sorry, but what are you thinking...

Edited by BaileyB
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You're worried about how to deal with a non-committal man? Think about how your children will feel about their non-committal mother.

This is only complicated because you aren't making your children your priority. Unfortunately, this man sounds like he would be a keeper, but he's not going to keep you.

 

I think it's a huge flag for a man who may be looking to have children himself at some point, to be dating a woman who already has children but isn't making them a priority. What's that gonna look like if he has children with her????

 

Seriously . . . you can't afford to keep your children with you, but you have money for plane fare regularly? Gee, if I had young children and they weren't living with me because of money, I'd be pinching every penny everywhere, every way to make sure I did have enough money. And, what about child support? Something isn't adding up with this scenario.

 

I also want to tell you that, as an almost 60 year old woman who is the child of a mother who didn't make me a priority in her life and was always off running around with some guy, to this day, I still feel resentment and twinges of feeling unwanted and it sucks. I know how to deal with it now, of course. I usually burn another picture of her. Those feelings never go away.

Edited by Redhead14
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Versacehottie

i think this guy is worried about a girl who would move the world to be with him where he is yet hasn't taken steps right where she is to get more time or have her kids live with her. He's 30 so maybe he wants kids himself someday and i think he would see this as a red flag and subconsciously extraordinary pressure, maturity or character flaw.

 

That's the bigger problem. Second, is that he may just not see a future with you. As to reasons why, see above. Sorry. I honestly feel really bad for your kids.

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You're worried about how to deal with a non-committal man? Think about how your children will feel about their non-committal mother.

 

I think it's a huge flag for a man who may be looking to have children himself at some point, to be dating a woman who already has children but isn't making them a priority. .

 

As usual, you said it perfectly.

 

OP, the men in your life will come and go. Your children will be with you forever. But not, if you prioritize your relationships with men over your children. Which, you are most definitely attempting to do here...

Edited by BaileyB
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Calmandfocused

I am completely stunned by this op.

 

For what it’s worth I completely agree with your boyfriend.

 

You have parental responsibility of your two sons. Your first priority should be that you are accessible to your children. Period!

 

Reading between the lines you say that your sons fathers have custody because of your financial situation. Yet you think you have spare cash for expensive plane journies to see your sons? Sorry, that doesn’t make sense.

 

If you have spare cash you should be seeing your children more and supporting them.

 

I have 2 sons therefore I’m struggling empathising with your situation. I would never leave them, especially being so young.

 

Prioritise your children instead of a relationship that in all honesty does not seem that serious.

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You're not allowed to abandon your kids OR move them farther than maybe a 90-minute drive away from their father. Check your laws on google. Every place has laws about that. You can't just up and move once you share custody with someone. And no man would want a woman who would leave her kids behind for him, so get that out of your head.

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Lotsgoingon

The other posters are on the money.

 

You need to be near your children ... Their dads will get sick ... their grandparents will get sick ... dads will be held up at the office ... or have a car that breaks down ... They will need to call on you ... hasn't that happened already?

 

The fathers will need to call you during the week ... and yes, you will want to see your children in the park ... or somewhere during the weeks you don't have them over.

 

I agree: most likely your bf has concerns about your mothering. And I don't say that to shame you. We don't know the details of your arrangements with the kids' fathers.

 

And question: do you work outside the home? ... Relocating doesn't uproot you from your job?

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Loveandshine19
The other posters are on the money.

 

You need to be near your children ... Their dads will get sick ... their grandparents will get sick ... dads will be held up at the office ... or have a car that breaks down ... They will need to call on you ... hasn't that happened already?

 

The fathers will need to call you during the week ... and yes, you will want to see your children in the park ... or somewhere during the weeks you don't have them over.

 

I agree: most likely your bf has concerns about your mothering. And I don't say that to shame you. We don't know the details of your arrangements with the kids' fathers.

 

And question: do you work outside the home? ... Relocating doesn't uproot you from your job?

 

To clarify things, I have actually spoken to the dad about this.. and he's happy for me to have my son full time once he's finished primary school - which will be in a year and a half..

He will be happy with me having him full time and moving him outer state, as he said he can have him during school holidays and weekends he will pay for flights for him to go and stay with dad.

 

My younger son is actually no another dad... and there is nothing legally in place with him having full custody of him, but he has him full time at the moment as it works out for both of us (with our work hours etc) and he wants him full time living with him.

 

I know from an outsider's point of view it seems like I'm just abandoning my kids but again I will be seeing them the SAME amount of time.. with intention to have my son full time in the near future (which dad is ok with).

 

I have told my boyfriend this, and his response was "well I don't know if I will be ok with being a step dad.. and think about how it affects my life, taking in kids that aren't my own".

 

Then what the hell is this relationship! I don't want to end things with him, and he's expressed the same.

 

Again I will mention: he has no reason to use me, he could get any woman he wants / whenever he wants, yet he has been fully loyal to me and he says he loves me very much too.

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Loveandshine19

I hate this situation, because I love this man..but I feel restricted in being with him because of this complex situation (two kids here).

 

Why is he still with me then? When he easily could get with any woman etc.. he tells me that he does love me a lot.

 

I just wish he could be honest with me.. I don't want to be messed around, he won't even talk to me about it. When I bring it up with him he gets annoyed.

 

I don't want to end things with him.

 

I hope someone can emphasise with me about how difficult this situation is, and two people who are in love but the circumstances are difficult.

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Loveandshine19

So am I meant to never do what I want, and never live my full life.. and be restricted?

 

When this isn't even restricting me?

 

They are safe with their dads, and like I said I can have my son full time in the near future.

My youngest son will continue living with his dad (the other dad).

 

They are to two different dads.

 

Yes I f***d up in the past with my life decisions. I don't regret my kids at all, but yes I didn't make the wisest choices when I was younger.

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He would commit to you if you didn't have the kids, and you got your own place in the same state as him. That's not going to happen, so he's waiting for you to either give up and keep things the way they are, or give up all together. Just means this guy isn't for you.

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