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Dealing with a non committal man or is it actually complicated?


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Old 17th March 2019, 3:30 AM   #1
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Angry Dealing with a non committal man or is it actually complicated?

Background:
I'm 27, he's 30.

We have been together for a year and a half now.

He's been living in another state for 4 months now, as he moved for work and took that job before we even started dating.. and it's an amazing job (would be foolish to turn it down).

It's taken a lot of adjustment to living in different states and getting used to only seeing him sometimes only twice a month.

He travels a lot for work internationally, so he isn't even home much himself.

What's the issue?

Well I asked him a few times, if he sees me moving over there eventually.. and that I would like to be there with him.

I have two sons, who live with their dads now. One is in kindergarten and the other is 10 years old. They did live with me two years ago, but they live with their dad now as the grandparents are there to help out too.. and financially I couldn't have them both when we separated almost 3 years ago.

So I now have the kids during the weekends, usually every second weekend - sometimes more.

My boyfriend's reply was "It's complicated, you have two kids.. you can't move state" Even though we are only a 2.5 hour plane ride away.

Money for flights aren't an issue as I work in an office for an airline so I get very cheap tickets to travel anyway.

I know he loves me, and he has told me he loves me too.. but it's very upsetting and makes me anxious that he won't talk through a plan with me about me moving over eventually.. not now, but maybe end of this year? I can find a new job in his state easily (I have connections there through work).

He says, he doesn't want me living in a different state to the kids.. even though I would still continue to see them the same amount of time.

He also says his flatmate doesn't want couples living there (they both share the lease on their place) - I don't know if this one is a lie on his behalf.

I feel like he is using the kids as an excuse.

I love this man, and it hurts because I eventually want to be with him living with him.

There is no end date to our long distance relationship right now, and it's making me anxious.

Is he not wanting to commit or is it the situation?

It doesn't have to be hard, I can move over. That is what I want to do.

He keeps saying "what will people say and think if you move and say that you have kids in another state".

When I would see the kids the same amount of time anyway.

Please help shed some light?
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Old 17th March 2019, 3:49 AM   #2
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You have to ask yourself:

Why are you complicating your life to this degree? There has to be hundreds if not thousands of men in your local area that you can date.

You're not free here...you have two children, which should be your top priority. He is recognizing that and does not fault you for that. TBH it sounds like he has the kids interest in mind more than you at the moment.

It's just a matter of time and he's trying to tell you that in a round about way. He will meet someone else. I hate to break it to you, but he's trying to give you indirect hints that you shouldn't get too attached to the idea of the two of you.
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:24 AM   #3
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He's not using your children as an excuse, nor is it complicated. He point blank told you he's worried about what other people would think of him shacking up with an 'absent' mother of 2 young children; maybe that's how he sees you too.


A man can move across the world and barely see his kids, and it's so normal that few people bat an eyelid. You situation is one of those double standards / social taboos.
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:46 AM   #4
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Yes I do understand that, however I won't be absent because the amount of time I spend with my kids won't be affected from moving.. as I will see them the same amount of time.

Travel cost isn't an issue (and it's only 2.5 hours away) so moving won't hinder me seeing my kids, and I will continue seeing them the same as I do now.

It's not like I have them in full time care now. That would be a different story if that was the case, but it's not like that.

That annoys me that he cares so much about what people think.. so how is this relationship meant to move forward!? It's frustrating as hell.. I want to plan and apply for jobs towards the end of the year if he wants me to move in there.

I want to have a future with this man.

I agree. It's very unfair! Men / Dads could so this, but because I am a woman and a Mother it's looked upon as taboo and people judge my parenting...

I don't care what people think, I want to have a life with this man.

I keep telling him that too.. and I get the same answers.

He said he wants kids of his own one day too, and that complicates the situation as I already have kids and would be leaving them in another country.

It's unfair.
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:50 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFinalWord View Post
You have to ask yourself:

Why are you complicating your life to this degree? There has to be hundreds if not thousands of men in your local area that you can date.

You're not free here...you have two children, which should be your top priority. He is recognizing that and does not fault you for that. TBH it sounds like he has the kids interest in mind more than you at the moment.

It's just a matter of time and he's trying to tell you that in a round about way. He will meet someone else. I hate to break it to you, but he's trying to give you indirect hints that you shouldn't get too attached to the idea of the two of you.

Because I love this man, and what we have is special. Clearly we are still going strong, and we have a strong bond.. making long distance work for the past 5 months.. and we still see each other as much as we can (in between work schedules).

He has no reason to keep me around, he could get any woman he wants too..
I know he feels the same way and loves me too. He doesn't want this to end (his words), but it's a very complicated situation..
It sucks!

I don't know what we are meant to do. I want to make this work, I want a future with him! I want this to work.

I can move there easily and still see my kids just as much, he is over complicating this and perhaps can't accept that I have kids...
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:00 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Loveandshine19 View Post
Because I love this man, and what we have is special. Clearly we are still going strong, and we have a strong bond.. making long distance work for the past 5 months.. and we still see each other as much as we can (in between work schedules).

He has no reason to keep me around, he could get any woman he wants too..
I know he feels the same way and loves me too. He doesn't want this to end (his words), but it's a very complicated situation..
It sucks!

I don't know what we are meant to do. I want to make this work, I want a future with him! I want this to work.

I can move there easily and still see my kids just as much, he is over complicating this and perhaps can't accept that I have kids...

The kids are an excuse. He wants to keep you at arms length.

He only sees you twice a month and is happy about that.

Maybe there is another woman who he is seeing? if I was you, I be calling time on this 'relationship'

Also I agree that if you were the dad in this situation, you would be getting different answers from people.
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:23 AM   #7
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I know you love him but y'all two obviously don't want the same thing. I don't think he wants to move the relationship forward in that way in my opinion. I think the kids are an excuse. I think you should let him go.
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:44 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Loveandshine19 View Post
He said he wants kids of his own one day too, and that complicates the situation as I already have kids and would be leaving them in another country.
He's thinking long term. He may be worried you'd be leaving his kids too.

In any event, he always knew he'd be moving, since he got his job prior to meeting you - you both knew, in fact. Maybe this was never a permanent thing for him, you both got invested regardless and now reality is hitting home.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:31 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Loveandshine19 View Post
Money for flights aren't an issue as I work in an office for an airline so I get very cheap tickets to travel anyway.
I don't get it. You don't even have your own kids because you say you can't afford to have them, but you can afford cheap plane tickets to see your boyfriend?

More so, what's to keep you from seeing them when you don't have them? You say you can't afford to have them live with you so they live with their dad, but you ONLY see them every other weekend and no other time. Why aren't you seeing them a lot more besides your every other weekend visits? It costs nothing to take them to the park or to spend a few hours playing games with them, etc. etc.

And not to be mean, but why does your boyfriend have to be the one to point out to you that you seem just fine with deserting your own two kids?

Quote:
He says, he doesn't want me living in a different state to the kids.. even though I would still continue to see them the same amount of time.
So, you'd be flying back home every other weekend but be completely physically unavailable to your own kids in between those alternate weekends? And you're actually ok with that?

Quote:
He also says his flatmate doesn't want couples living there (they both share the lease on their place) - I don't know if this one is a lie on his behalf.
Your boyfriend wants no part of this mess you're so anxious to create.

Quote:
He keeps saying "what will people say and think if you move and say that you have kids in another state".
What will your kids think of you happily running off to another state to be with some guy? Surely they already have a compromised view of you, and now you want to compromise that even farther - all because you're more interested in running off to be with some guy. Why would you want to damage your already fragile relationship with them?

He doesn't want any part of a full-time thing with you, LoveandShine19. He's made that painfully clear. He wants no part of it and doesn't want you full-time and doesn't want you living with him and he's using the kids and his roommate not wanting couples and every other excuse he can scrounge up - to keep that from happening. It's pretty easy to see that if he actually WANTED you to move out there, he'd be encouraging you and telling you how you two can find your own place together and he'd be saying how it will all work out and blah blah blah - and he's saying NONE of that.

Sadly, you're simply not getting the HINT.

I have to be honest. I would want NO part of some man flying 1,000+ miles away from his own children just to be with ME, regardless of his supposed promise to fly there every other weekend. I couldn't even respect someone who was so willing to do that without so much as a glance backward.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 17th March 2019 at 7:36 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:13 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loveandshine19 View Post
I feel like he is using the kids as an excuse
And you would be correct.
He is a "single guy", living a jet setting lifestyle with a gf/fwb that he sees twice a month, what's not to like?
He doesn't want a single mom with two kids moving in and complicating his life.
I doubt he sees you as marriage/ltr material else he would be doing his utmost to make it happen.
You are projecting your feelings of "love" onto him, he is telling you he doesn't want you living with him.
TAKE the hint.
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:28 AM   #11
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I see this man questioning your devotion as a mother. He is worried about what others will think of you because he thinks you're a bad mother. He probably feels that your kids should come first and that you would want to be within a short traveling distance in case there was an emergency with them. I wouldn't get my hopes up on moving in or getting married. Will you be able to get your kids back full time at some point? I hope so.
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:36 AM   #12
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I see this man questioning your devotion as a mother. He is worried about what others will think of you because he thinks you're a bad mother.
This is my take on it, too.

He isn't happy with your low involvement with the kids and really does not want you taking yourself any further away from them. He's been cloaking it as being worried about what others might think because he doesn't have the courage to tell you he also shares that opinion.

You're at a turning point in your life here, OP. You and he are not on the same page, about living together or parenting. It's time to really step back and ask yourself what the future prospects of this relationship are; it doesn't look good. He doesn't want you coming to him, and yet he isn't likely to leave where he currently is if he's got a good job. I have a feeling a break-up is coming, so I would brace yourself and begin to re-evaluate your choices.
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:48 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Loveandshine19 View Post

It's unfair.
No it isn't unfair because you have 2 beautiful children where you are. If you can apply for a job there why not apply for a better one where you are so you can afford to spend more time with your kids. I'm sure this is what this man is thinking also that you should be doing instead of chasing after him. Any good man would. He may enjoy his time with you now but I doubt he is planning to take you into his future. He is going to want to marry and start his own family with someone. You already have one.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th March 2019 at 12:19 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:06 AM   #14
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Yeah, the kids alone is huge from 10 different angles .
And l'd have to wonder what sort of mother would move states away from her young kids too and wouldn't want that on my head nor ask that of a mother.
Flying back's not the same , they need to know and feel you close.
So l think all that alone is huge in all this for him.
But l'd say he's also having doubts about you in other things too.

Last edited by chillii; 17th March 2019 at 9:21 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:38 AM   #15
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I think you need to forget about the boyfriend, and focus on your children.

Your boyfriend has more sense than you do - you have two children, you can’t move states.

The idea that you would move out of state from your children to live with your boyfriend is absolutely INSANE.

I’m sorry, but what are you thinking...
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Last edited by BaileyB; 17th March 2019 at 9:59 AM..
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