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When is too soon to move in?


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Old 16th March 2019, 11:04 PM   #1
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When is too soon to move in?

I've been seeing dating my boyfriend since November. We became exclusive on January 1st. While I'm not planning on moving in right this second, but we have become really serious. We see each other every day, we just got back from a weekend getaway from one another. He has recently mentioned that his lease ends July 1st and I have been month to month since my year-long lease ended. I've been strongly considering it but feel like it may be too soon.

While it took me along time to get over my ex finance, I just want to be sure that I'm going strong with this relationship without any leftover residue. A month ago, I finally had to tell my ex if he didn't stop messaging me, after he was the one who dumped me, I'd get a restraining order out on him.

What is everyone's opinion?
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Old 16th March 2019, 11:08 PM   #2
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Chill. No rush ... There's no need to push yourself.

You can move in later ... no effect whatsoever in the relationship. Don't see this as a test of whether you are recovered from previous relationship. That's taking the wrong lesson from the past.

You sure seeing each other every day together is a good thing?
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Old 16th March 2019, 11:33 PM   #3
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We do see each other every day. But I do spend time with friends, going to the gym, yoga, and the book club. He stopped going after we became official, but I enjoy it. So he doesn't consume my every thought.

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Old 17th March 2019, 12:12 AM   #4
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Well let’s see, it’s been two moons since you became official... that’s too soon.

Common wisdom is 12 months. Four seasons. You need to see him when he is happy, sad, tired, sick, stressed, and with his family before you make a serious commitment.

Three months is definitely not long enough. Six months is not long enough. There is no rush...
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:38 AM   #5
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When you wonder if it’s too soon to move in ...
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:33 AM   #6
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Have you met his family? Has he met yours?

Enjoy dating! It hasn't even been a year yet. You two only got more serious less than 3 months ago. Don't move in yet.
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:42 AM   #7
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Hmmm for me personally I take "moving in" very seriously like he trying to marry my behind. I wouldn't agree unless he proposed then I would move in with a fiancÚ.

Hmmmm I say if y'all are going strong for a year then agree to move in. See if y'all can get along and he treats you well for a year and if he wants to....
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:18 PM   #8
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I say, at least one year to a year and a half. That's the time when the honeymoon phase is over and those obsessive feelings for each other subsides. You see who you are really with after the fog lifts. You need that time to get to know them. It always looks great for the first 6 months, but after that all those little red or yellow flags you were ignoring, starts to get your attention.
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:09 PM   #9
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The problem with moving in is that you up the pressure on the couple before the two people have deeply bonded.

The pressure comes from having to suddenly take on host of very mundane and tedious tasks ...tasks that quite frankly are a pain. Paying electric ... figuring out money together ... choosing furniture ... Who's job is it to take off work when the plumber needs to come?

Those days bring zero satisfaction in a relationship--they are merely the boring day-to-day tedium of life. You want to bond and to already start doing a lot of that ... before you move in together.

Also, let's be blunt ... likely you guys are still riding the artificial high of new love ... that high literally produces chemicals in the brain designed to suppress criticism of the other person ... You want to go through some challenging times together ... to gradually introduce real life into the high of new love. And people can fake things for a good six months, some longer--by fake, I mean show you a better version of themselves than they really are.

At a year, you'll be in better position--far better--to know the person you are really moving in with--flaws and all. Ideally you want to move in when you can anticipate some of the challenges you'll face, you already have a sense of what he does that gets on your nerves and you brace yourself for those moments or think about a strategy to minimize those annoying moments.

Really, I think year and a half to two years. Also, you wanna be clear that moving in together does not mean marriage. You might THINK it means marriage is inevitable. Means no such thing.

There is really little downside to taking some time ...
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:54 PM   #10
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Too soon. Listen, any new roommate can be a nightmare. Enjoy your period of early love and don't ruin it by being domestic this soon. Put another year on it, and by then, you'll get a better idea what he's like when he's not getting his way and just his general life habits. For all you know, he might become unemployed and decide to just not return to work if he has a woman to lean on. It's too soon.

For now, you need to pay attention and observe if he takes care of his own business, has good work ethics and isn't always finding excuses to not go to work, pays his bills on time, keep his debt under control, whether he stays within a budget or if he has to buy things he can't afford -- or the opposite, is a penny pincher. You need to see what he's like if his car breaks down, what he's like if yours does, what he's like if he's sick, what he's like if you are.

Observe his pasttime habits. Does he drink or stay stoned habitually? Does he just like to come home and play videogames instead of interact? Realize those things don't go away just because you marry or live together. So don't marry it if you don't like it.

Observe if he takes care of his own housework and listen to what he says about stuff like that. Read between the lines and be sure he's not just looking for his "ideal woman," the sex kitten housekeeper to take over his share of those things. Lots of guys will totally do that, even if they're capable of taking care of themselves. They'll start making it harder and more unpleasant to get them to do it than do it yourself. Don't minimize those things because they are what will bust up a couple.

So be alert. And don't ever blow off something he says as just joking. If it comes out of his mouth, it was in his brain first.

Let this year lease if that's what it is finish and see where you're at. If you're still going strong and not bored and testy with each other, you should be talking engagement first and moving in second. It's really too soon to even be talking marriage or kids, too. See if he brings it up at some point if now already and be sure you're on the same page about the future path. And be sure you can afford it before you have kids and know who will do what. Will he help 50/50 or will he take a second job and just be the provider while you stay home, for example.

Don't trip into something. Stay on birth control. Know what you're getting into. Good luck.
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Old 18th March 2019, 12:03 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rejected1 View Post
I've been seeing dating my boyfriend since November. We became exclusive on January 1st. While I'm not planning on moving in right this second, but we have become really serious. We see each other every day, we just got back from a weekend getaway from one another. He has recently mentioned that his lease ends July 1st and I have been month to month since my year-long lease ended. I've been strongly considering it but feel like it may be too soon.

While it took me along time to get over my ex finance, I just want to be sure that I'm going strong with this relationship without any leftover residue. A month ago, I finally had to tell my ex if he didn't stop messaging me, after he was the one who dumped me, I'd get a restraining order out on him.

What is everyone's opinion?
Moving in together isn't even thought about until there have been discussions about long-term goals you each have for yourselves and whether you are on the same pages in general about the future and after there is consensus that you both want to explore the possibility of marriage and there is consistent demonstration of effort and sincerity moving toward that goal.

If you're feeling like it's too soon . . . it is. Don't just move in together because his lease is ending. If things are good now and you are suited for each other, it will be good in a year if he renews.
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Old 18th March 2019, 5:26 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rejected1 View Post
He has recently mentioned that his lease ends July 1st

What is everyone's opinion?
You can plan to live together next July, meaning 2020. This summer is too soon.

You need to have been officially together for more than 1 year before you even talk about cohabitation. If money is an issue get same sex roommates.
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