Msday91 Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Every few days my boyfriend will get really distant and it annoys me. He knows it annoys me but he still does it and insists nothings wrong. He started doing this 2 months into our relationship ( been together 4 ) Like I’ll try make convo via text and he will basically cut the convo short then be like ‘ nothings wrong baby ‘ when I enquire. I’m starting to can’t be bothered with this and feel like no longer enquiring why he’s being off and leave him to it. Has anyone experienced something similar? Should I just believe that nothings wrong and this is just what he’s like. I have this location for safety reasons so I know he’s not cheating Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Every few days my boyfriend will get really distant and it annoys me. He knows it annoys me but he still does it and insists nothings wrong. He started doing this 2 months into our relationship ( been together 4 ) Like I’ll try make convo via text and he will basically cut the convo short then be like ‘ nothings wrong baby ‘ when I enquire. I’m starting to can’t be bothered with this and feel like no longer enquiring why he’s being off and leave him to it. Has anyone experienced something similar? Should I just believe that nothings wrong and this is just what he’s like Eh, to be fair, texting is a poor way to have a conversation. I don't like having a text conversation either. I prefer to actually speak to loved ones on the phone. People are busy, tired, in the middle of something else - being expected to carry on a typed-out conversation is tedious. I wouldn't take his lack of texting to mean he's being "distant." I'm not sure why you feel the need to mention he's not cheating; there are many other plausible reasons for not keeping up a text convo. If that's the only example of distancing behaviour, you're overreacting. Are there other things he does to take space from you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 if you don't like his behavior then just dump him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 I think you are smart to pay attention to this behavior. You've been dating four months ... and this started two months ago ... well ...often people can fake being social and responsive (even though that's not them) ... for a few months ... But then their real colors show. I would get tired real fast of someone being distant and then saying everything is OK at the same time. Your choice ... pay attention ... definitely you are smart to be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Most guys don't talk about their feelings, a would prefer to deal with it by being distant/ keep to themselves, or not to, by doing things by distraction ie: playing video games, partying, working long hours, etc. He's avoiding you because you KEEP ASKING him what's wrong...guys hate that. If he wants to talk about it he will, in his own time. As I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If you don't like this about him, tell him, and ask if it can be resolved. If he blows it off, then breakup, because it will never change. If he really cared he would do everything he can to make this right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Your not giving enough details for me to understand what you mean when you say he is distant So I wouldn't ask him again if he is obviously not giving a different answer. At this point I would decide if the way he is being is something I can accept and deal with. If I can't then I would break up. For example i wouldn't deal with a guy who takes 24 hours plus to respond to my messages or return my call. I wouldn't deal with a guy who don't call at all in a day. I wouldn't deal with a guy that would let a whole week go by and not see me without any good reason. I wouldn't deal with a guy who obviously isn't affectionate when we see each other. I wouldn't deal with a guy who refuse to communicate if I tried to address these things. These are examples of how I would sense distance. Boyfriends who are not distant call, respond to your text or return your call in a timely manner, are affectionate, and try to see you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Msday91 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 We have been together for five months - six months in a few days. Hes become increasingly distant even though saying nothing is wrong. He has said he’s been feeling depressed for a week to which I’ve been trying to be supportive about. He has ignored me and doesn’t seem to want to meet up. I don’t like feeling on edge and this is causing me great anxiety but at the same time I don’t want to make it all about me. My ex became depressed and then broke up with me so I’m even more worried. I just want to know if this is because of me. We have had a few issues with him feeling like I’m not ambitious to which I’ve tried to show him I am ( I’ve had a difficult year workwise). If he wants to part ways I’ll be fine with that I just have a fear of being led on for month after month after month like my ex did. What do you suggest I do? Does it sound like I’m the issue despite him saying things are fine with us? I’m in my late twenties he is 31 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) Haven't you talked to him , asked him why he's depressed.? lt doesn't have to be the illness of depression , sometimes we just get depressed for a reason , Best get with him in person and talk about it, hopefully he'll be open. Edited February 27, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 My boyfriend get « depressed episodes » every 6 to 8 weeks. He just feels sad, doesn’t have much energy and just get distant. Doesn’t have anything to do with me. It lasts 2 to 3 days. I usually tell him that I’m there for him, but don’t push it, I let him deal with his emotions and wait for him to contact me. Maybe your boyfriend is the same. I’d ask him if something happened at work or something, and if you did anything to trigger this mood. If he says it’s nothing, don’t push it. Let him be and wait for him to come back. If you insist too much. But if it continues for a couple of weeks, maybe ask a little more questions always bringing up facts and not your interpretations (ex : you laugh less, you’re communication has decreased, you often cancel dates, you don’t want to go out, etc.). Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 This is going to sound counter intuitive, but ignore it. Reach out & have something fun planned for your 6th month anniversary. . . no cards or presents or formality but you design a great date & invite him along. Be happy. It's a kind of a fake it 'til you make it thing & hopefully your good mood will be infectious. On this date talk about your recent accomplishments, not bragging but showing that you took his concerns about your alleged lack of ambition to heart. Also talk about a future goal so he can see you looking forward. You want to highlight the good positive things about being together. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Is he in treatment for his depression? I'd back off and give him some space right now--and stop assuming he wants to break up when it's about him dealing with a depressive episode--you can't do anything about that. I've dealt with clinical depression in the past and people doing things to "take my mind off of it" will present more stress than enjoyment because it's centering his depression on you not wanting to feel left out when depression is a chemical issue in the brain. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Have you always known he suffers from depression? or is this the excuse he gave you when he went distant? If he just announced he is depressed I call BS and he is scoping out some other chick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 This is going to sound counter intuitive, but ignore it. Reach out & have something fun planned for your 6th month anniversary. . . no cards or presents or formality but you design a great date & invite him along. Be happy. It's a kind of a fake it 'til you make it thing & hopefully your good mood will be infectious. On this date talk about your recent accomplishments, not bragging but showing that you took his concerns about your alleged lack of ambition to heart. Also talk about a future goal so he can see you looking forward. You want to highlight the good positive things about being together. 6 month anniversary? really?! is that 6 months from being official? Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 He has ignored me and doesn’t seem to want to meet up. What do you suggest I do? That's all you need to know. If your "BF" is ignoring you and doesn't want to meet up, you probably should take that as a clear sign to move on. You are not in a position, nor should you be, to try and psychoanalyze your way out of this. He's a grown man. He's signalling to you he's not all in, for whatever reason. Move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Msday91 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 We’ve been together six months and all is great we have similar goals Interests and he motivates me to be better. Just one thing, sometimes his insensitive comments literally ruin my whole mood. This has greatly improved since I blew up a couple months back and called him a bully. He insisted he is joking with me and apologised. The other day he casually said ‘ you do know you are super weird right? Like I think you’re autistic. You’re on the spectrum’ and literally I don’t wanna speak to him much since then. I grew up with an nmother who stunted my growth in many ways and I have always felt like I’m weird, awkward, incompetent socially and even in work settings. So for him to say that just confirms everything I already know. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being autistic but I’m trying to stop being insecure and work on my self. Well now I’m back to square one- insecure about how Interact with the world. Tl;dr insensitive comments that are said ‘ tongue in cheek ‘ offend me and make me not wanna see my otherwise great bf Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Yea, putdowns cloaked in tongue-in-cheek humor or sarcasm are signs of an immature, emotionally abusive bully. I don't like to even be around people who do that, much less in a relationship with such a person. It's the opposite of kindness and affirmation. Not healthy. So then the question is, do you think you can change him, or do you need to end the relationship? You know the cure for a schoolyard bully, right? Punch'em in the nose (figuratively, of course). And you also know what they say about leopards and their spots. From one perspective, he's getting by with this because you're allowing it. If you want this to change, then you have to change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Some people don't even realize the devastating effect their casual comments can have. I used to call one of my EXs dumb; I called a lot of things dumb back in the day. He finally told me how much that hurt him & I became better at paying attention to my word choice. If you can calmly discuss this with your guy, you may have a chance of getting him to be more attentive to the power of his speech you two could be OK but if he blows up at the discussion there may be no hope. The key is going to be how you approach it. You have to use a lot of "I feel . .. " statement & not make him feel attacked. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 6 months in that means he's on his best behavior, if this is it then I'd worry about the type of bullying he will be capable of in 1, 2 years. This is not the man of your life, time to abort. A relationship is about supporting and evelating each other, not about being bullied, feelings ignored, put down and laughed at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I grew up with an nmother who stunted my growth in many ways and I have always felt like I’m weird, awkward, incompetent socially and even in work settings. You have basically replaced your mother with a guy who also stunts your growth. Guys like this are never happier than when they have fired off a torpedo in your direction, the unhappier you feel, the happier they feel. As you have identified your mother as being a bad influence on your life, time to realise this guy is no better and get rid ASAP. Dating needs to be easy, comfortable and fun. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I just took a look at your other threads. You seem like an extremely sensitive and insecure soul. This may be a reason why you tend to attract guys who like to put you down. Are you doing anything to work on your self-esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 That's why I refuse to date any men with that type of sense of humor. I'm someone who believes the saying that there's a grain of truth behind every joke. It doesn't matter if he's joking/he apologizes after. If you tell him you're hurt by his so called "jokes", then he shouldn't be joking like that anymore. If he continues to, then he's not simply just joking.. he's rude and obnoxious. But why are you with this guy? I can't imagine him being a great boyfriend when he says crap like that. Also, I wouldn't even consider that a joke... it's literally verbally abusive. I'd smack him across the face and kick him out of my life if I were you Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 You may have been rude to him and not know it. Then he retaliated in his way. I worked with a young man who sometimes says inappropriate things without knowing it. People who get offended would retaliate. I am much older, I just accept that as part of him, actually he has a heart of gold. We are all sort of "work in progress" in life, especially when young. Don't be too critical of yourself. You can be awkward and just own it. People have told me I'm eccentric and it doesn't bother me. And imo his comment about you makes him seem awkward. I mean, who says stuff like that? Haha... My advice to you is to consider if there was a trigger for his insensitive comments. He may be a passive aggressive type and this is his way of saying "you hurt me". Don't position yourself as receiving (child), but rather as an equal. When you said he motivates you to be better, remember you also motivate him to be better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Not that this is anything on you, but IME, some women can take anything you say to them and roll with it, while others tend to collapse in a heap over seemingly nothing.....I can't say either way...I know I have said things in my past that I wish I could take back(as have most?), mostly not out of being mean spirited or condescending, but more because I can be blunt at times.. Whether that's the case here is unknown just from your post, but if this guy says this stuff regularly, then he's likely just a garden variety a-hole.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 You may have been rude to him and not know it. Then he retaliated in his way. I worked with a young man who sometimes says inappropriate things without knowing it. People who get offended would retaliate. I am much older, I just accept that as part of him, actually he has a heart of gold. We are all sort of "work in progress" in life, especially when young. Don't be too critical of yourself. You can be awkward and just own it. People have told me I'm eccentric and it doesn't bother me. And imo his comment about you makes him seem awkward. I mean, who says stuff like that? Haha... My advice to you is to consider if there was a trigger for his insensitive comments. He may be a passive aggressive type and this is his way of saying "you hurt me". Don't position yourself as receiving (child), but rather as an equal. When you said he motivates you to be better, remember you also motivate him to be better. A good friend of mine would sometimes say insensitive or borderline mean/offensive things. I would just brush it off, thinking she doesn’t know better (or else I wouldn’t be her friend to begin with). But she would be super sensitive whenever others are blunt to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 He sounds ambivalent to me ... A good guy for you would pick up on your quirks ... may mention them ... but only to say ... "those quirks are OK with me." You need to figuratively (not literally) punch back when he does that. Don't just sit there ... Get up and leave ... that will communicate the message. Or curse him out right then and there ... You don't just wanna sit there and go silent. That's unfair to you ... painful to you. His job is to decide whether or not he likes you ... yes or no ... if the answer is yes, he doesn't call you super weird or autistic. Link to post Share on other sites
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