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BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...


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Old 16th March 2019, 7:08 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by introverted1 View Post
Can I just say: Yikes

You're 24 and you've been dating for 4 months and, from your last paragraph you haven't said "I love you" yet... but you're having deep conversations about kids?

I think it's appropriate that you've stated you want kids in the future, but it's far too soon to be expecting this sort of definitive commitment from a man you've only just started dating, and long distance at that.

Wait and see how the relationship evolves. At 12-18 months you'll know whether you see a future with this guy and then you can have a serious discussion about children.
I don't see what's so wrong about that... I deserve to know whether this is a relationship worth investing in from the beginning. I just wanted to get some insight on what he actually meant by his words by people who have more experience and wisdom than I.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:45 PM   #17
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I don't think I can bring it up f I for a while because he said he would be annoyed I keep bringing it up
Well does that not tell you something?
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Old 16th March 2019, 9:47 PM   #18
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I am not going to try and change him. I already know that I wouldn't want to be with somebody who chooses having kids just to appease me. I won't ever back down but at the same time I don't think I can bring it up f I for a while because he said he would be annoyed I keep bringing it up
What do you mean you can't bring up the issue? ... You have to bring it up. What the heck are you talking about? If he's annoyed, you drop him. NEVER let someone set a vital issue as off limits. You're surrendering to manipulation.

If you're afraid to bring up this question of kids--which is of vital importance and fundamental to who you are--then you aren't ready to date.
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:59 AM   #19
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I just think our worries will be solved as time goes by. " To me this translates to "Don't worry about my current position on kids because I will probably end up wanting them. I just need some time to adjust and come around to the idea." What do you think??
Honestly, no I don't think he is going to go from not really wanting kids at all to wanting a large family. He is 30, not 20, so he will have a much better idea about what he wants. Men have their own "clock" so if having a family means something to him, he will have factored that into his future in some capacity.

However there was something I read that raise a bit of an eyebrow, and that was the fact that he wants you to move in with him, which is a huge step in any relationship. It just struck me as a little concerning that he wanted you to move in with him so quickly, after such a short relationship, especially when there has been NO meeting of the minds in terms of the future.

Clearly his focus right now is about getting his green card. Sure, he might be able to get that on his own. However, he could also get that by marrying a citizen, so please be very cautious if he starts mentioning marriage anytime soon. That would be a massive red flag!

I'm only bringing this up because I sense that you like this guy a lot and might end up being mislead into a quick wedding with the impression that having a large family are part of the deal. You haven't known him long enough to know how trustworthy he truly is.

For your own sake, you really need to take a step back and reflect on whether this is worth your time.

Do the math.

- How many fertile years might you have? *Your egg count will keep dropping over the years, especially once you hit 30. That my seem like a long time away but it goes by quick so you need to invest your time with men on the same page. Guys who want big families aren't subtle about it in my experience.
- How many years will it take to have the amount of children you want? *Consider that 4+ kids would take at least 6-10 years if you had them close together.
- How many years could you invest/waste with this guy? *1-2 if you move in with him?
- How long might it take to find a guy who actually wants children and is a good match for you? *6 months - 3 years? Who knows?
- How long before you are both ready to start having a family? *That might take 1 - 3 years as well.

It may not be pleasant to think about but if having a big family is really important to you, then you can't waste your time on someone who doesn't feel that same desire.

Good luck.
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:29 AM   #20
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Don't invest anymore into him, it's just going to make it harder when the time comes you have to end it.

This is a deal breaker! He doesn't want children and you do.

It'll be hard to do and it'll hurt but better to end it now 4 months in vs 4 years from now.
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Old 17th March 2019, 4:01 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by b1a6 View Post
I deserve to know whether this is a relationship worth investing in from the beginning. I just wanted to get some insight on what he actually meant by his words by people who have more experience and wisdom than I.
Well, you've got almost unanimous advice on what you should do. What happens next is down to you.
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:54 AM   #22
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Someone who is unsure they want kids at age 30 is not going to change to wanting 4 kids and a large family. If he does change his mind, you are looking at potentially only 1 kid. If you are still adamant on dating him, you need to be mentally prepared to give up your goal of 4 kids. Realistically, 0-1.

Also, if you want 4 kids, you actually need to start looking for something serious like now. You don't actually have alot of time to hang around and try to see if someone changes their mind. The bioclock is a real issue. Decide by what age do you want to have your last kid and work backwards. Give yourself a deadline if you do decide to wait. Don't waste too much time on this guy because if you decide to move on later when both of you are more invested you would also need to factor in "down time" for heartbreak before you start to date again.
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:22 PM   #23
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Well that's an interesting perspective. I never thought of it that way. I watch some popular vlogger who is in a marriage like this with two kids and I feel really bad for her. Of course I wouldn't want to end up in that situation. I wouldn't go through with marrying my bf in the future unless he developed a genuine interest in being a father.
He doesn't want kids. He's 30. You must respect that he is a grown man with his brain fully developed and knows what he wants and doesn't want. Look, you can hardly ever even change something SMALL about a man, much less something this basic and huge. So don't even delude yourself that it's possible. You are old enough to know that you can't love someone into changing their basic personality.

You said yourself he is annoyed to even talk about it. You want kids, and you need to find a father type and stop wasting your time here. There can never be peace on this subject, only resentment on both sides. Yours if you don't have them and his if you get pregnant, whether on purpose or not.
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Last edited by preraph; 17th March 2019 at 1:24 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:06 PM   #24
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He doesn't want kids. He's 30. You must respect that he is a grown man with his brain fully developed and knows what he wants and doesn't want. Look, you can hardly ever even change something SMALL about a man, much less something this basic and huge. So don't even delude yourself that it's possible. You are old enough to know that you can't love someone into changing their basic personality.

You said yourself he is annoyed to even talk about it. You want kids, and you need to find a father type and stop wasting your time here. There can never be peace on this subject, only resentment on both sides. Yours if you don't have them and his if you get pregnant, whether on purpose or not.
Yeah but he said that he wasn't sure yet/needs time. How are you so sure that he actually doesn't want them?
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Old 17th March 2019, 5:16 PM   #25
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Yeah but he said that he wasn't sure yet/needs time. How are you so sure that he actually doesn't want them?
Because that often just means they don't really want kids - but are saying that to buy time.

And even if he really isn't sure yet/needs time, is that something you're willing to take a chance on and hope he changes his mind?
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:32 PM   #26
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When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:14 PM   #27
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When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.
I see your point. I don't think that's the case here though. He's done a lot of stuff for me that he wouldn't do with his previous girlfriend... like tell all his family about me and put pics of me on his social media even though he's a really private person. He even said he was thinking about telling them that I could be "the one." Also for people from his country, telling parents about your gf and wanting her to meet them is basically saying that she is the one.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:21 PM   #28
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Because that often just means they don't really want kids - but are saying that to buy time.

And even if he really isn't sure yet/needs time, is that something you're willing to take a chance on and hope he changes his mind?
I honestly think it might be worth the chance. I don't even want kids until I have my career established so I don't need them immediately. It will take at least two years for me to get my masters degree for my dream job. If we break up one or two years down the line because of this kids issue, I'd still be ready to start my career and be well established in my dream place, 26 or 27 years old.

Also he may not want so many kids even if he does decide he wants them, but I'd be satisfied with 2 even though 3 or 4 is ideal.

Anyways, I understand what yall are saying and why this is a gamble. I will still go through with going to see my bf in his state next month. I'll make a decision after that. Cause I can't stop crying when I imagine breaking up with him.

Last edited by b1a6; 17th March 2019 at 7:24 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:12 PM   #29
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Yeah but he said that he wasn't sure yet/needs time. How are you so sure that he actually doesn't want them?
Because that's what you told me, followed by he's annoyed you're even talking about it.
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Old 17th March 2019, 9:44 PM   #30
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Bf shuts down discussion on topic of kids ... such that you're afraid to discuss it ... and you wonder why we think he won't change his mind.
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