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BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...


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Old 16th March 2019, 4:20 AM   #1
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BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...

So I met this guy on OLD who I really like. We have been official for four months now. He lives in another state, to which I am planning to move for various reasons.

I was very clear on my OLD profile what I was looking for. Someone to build a future with, and that I want to have a lot of kids in the future. My bf messaged me and we really clicked. He visited me after a month of talking, I thought, this is a man who is literally willing to fly across the country for me. We discussed kids in one of our early phone calls. I wasn't afraid to bring it up because he is 30 years old, so I thought he should be relatively mature, and in a time in his life where he would be thinking about these things. I once again said that I wanted many kids, maybe four of them. He said "well I'm not sure about that..." but I shrugged it off because I assumed he meant he wasn't sure about having so many kids. I mean even for men who do want kids, how many out there think they're going to want that many kids...?

He visited me for a third time and it randomly came up again. Then he says that he's not sure if he wants kids. I was like... "You mean... not ever??" He said "Yeah..." I was seriously shocked. Didn't see that coming, because I had been so open about my desire for kids and a committed relationship with a future. My heart dropped, because wanting kids is a definite deal-breaker for me. I took a silent moment to calm down and collect myself, then we had a discussion. He gave an explanation that didn't seem all that clear to me. Just said that having a kid is a lot of a responsibility, he doesn't know how it will change his life, doesn't know if it will be a positive of negative thing. He emigrated here from his home country two years ago and in his home country, having kids is not ideal because kids are miserable there due to educational and economic stress. There were just a few things he said that gave me hope. First, that he used to think negatively of marriage based on what he saw in his home country, but since coming to America he has come around to the idea. I think he also said that he may just need some time to also come around to the idea of having children. He also said that he is "more likely to want kids if he stays in America forever." (Which he is planning to, he just got his green card and an official position in his company).

After this trip together, we had a phone call about it so that I could get some clarity on his position. I asked him if there were any specific goals he had that kids would prevent him from achieving... such as furthering his education, traveling to certain places, getting a certain job position, or keeping up his social lifestyle (he goes out for dinner with friends a LOT). He says that there are no specific goals... it's about the adventure of life and it's an "abstract concept." I told him that having kids was not something I was willing to give up for anybody or any relationship. I also said that I was not willing to wait forever for his decision, because I will keep getting older (I am 24). I said that I wasn't sure how long I was willing to wait. And well, this is where things got real awkward. He got upset and said "So at that point.. what? You're just going to say bye bye?" I said "well... yeah" and he said "I'm not doing all this stuff for nothing..." I said "I know" and there was an unbearably long silence before we decided to hang up and sleep because it was late and we were tired.

The next morning I woke up and wondered if we were over. I texted him that I really liked him and wanted this relationship to work. Then he texts me saying "Don't worry what we talked about yesterday. We just started our relationship and are getting to know each other. I understand your point. I just think our worries will be solved as time goes by. " To me this translates to "Don't worry about my current position on kids because I will probably end up wanting them. I just need some time to adjust and come around to the idea." What do you think?? He came up with the idea of me moving in with him quite early on, and we are thinking of doing it at the 6 month mark if our "trial period" goes well (I will visit him next month to get a taste of what it's like living together) and I'm really excited about it because I have never moved in with a boyfriend, but also nervous about what will happen because of his stance on kids. Should I just go for it and maybe bring it up again at like the 11mo mark (assuming we make it to there)? I wonder if he feels this way because it seems like he's never had a "love of his life" kind of girl...
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Old 16th March 2019, 5:53 AM   #2
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He doesn't want kids, you do.

This is why you date for, to find out about compatibility.

You are only young for so long. You don't want to waste your youth trying to convince a man to give you kids. There are literally millions of men that want kids. All you're doing is dragging out the inevitable and making it harder on yourself. Moving in at 6 months? That's really quick. This guy is going to get you emotionally snared and then you're going to have to try to convince him to give you kids. I don't get why you are doing this to yourself.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:41 AM   #3
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I think your interpretation is accurate. At 30 this may have been the 1st time he seriously thought about the idea of kids & those initial thoughts were a bit overwhelming. Especially because of his background, you have to respect his view point that he didn't want to create a person only to see that child suffer

I think eventually he will be open to having kids. That doesn't mean he will be open to having "a lot of kids" i.e. more then the conventional 2. If you really want 6 kids or something you best find somebody who shares that large family vision as well as good financial plan to support that many people.

I would not revisit the issue at the 11th month mark. I'd wait until 16-18 months in. At that point you can also start talking about an eventual marriage.

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Old 16th March 2019, 9:37 AM   #4
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Too many women fritter away their child bearing years on guys that are lukewarm about having kids in the forlorn hope he will change his mind.
He is 30, he probably knows exactly where he stands on kids, he may be hoping he can persuade YOU to give up on kids, or at least persuade you to only have one, if you really have to.
If indeed he is even serious about taking this further...
Do not be hurried into living together either, women often think living together is first step to marriage, many men think "Clean, tidy apartment, regular sex and meals. Marriage? Hell no..."
Too many women get caught in that trap too.

If you want 4+ kids then you need to get the basics right.
You need to choose a marriage minded man, who is as interested in having a big family as you are, not some guy who MIGHT be persuaded...
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Old 16th March 2019, 9:43 AM   #5
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Can I just say: Yikes

You're 24 and you've been dating for 4 months and, from your last paragraph you haven't said "I love you" yet... but you're having deep conversations about kids?

I think it's appropriate that you've stated you want kids in the future, but it's far too soon to be expecting this sort of definitive commitment from a man you've only just started dating, and long distance at that.

Wait and see how the relationship evolves. At 12-18 months you'll know whether you see a future with this guy and then you can have a serious discussion about children.
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:14 PM   #6
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You don't want to move in as a way to push him or encourage him to change his mind. I wouldn't interpret his backtracking as evidence that he thinks he does want kids. I would interpret his backtracking as evidence that he likes you ... that's different than a having a genuine interest in kids.

Your task right now is to not back down on your desire to have kids and on your insistence that that's a deal-breaker. Stand your ground firmly--even obnoxiously--and see if he shifts ... A close friend of mine basically had his heart broken when his ambivalent-about-having-kids wife ... decided a few years into that she definitely did NOT want to have kids. He stayed in the marriage, but the disappointment was crushing ... He did feel betrayed ... His wife had sorta been back and forth like your bf ... The marriage took a major hit.

Do not reassure him ... or try to convince him. Kids are utterly exhausting and require a huge amount of work. You do not want to have kids with someone who has been "talked into it." HE needs to come to this conclusion on his own--and not think of having kids for you.

Really resist the urge to change him ... on this ...

Le't say he does agree to have kids ... just to please you ... his ambivalence will haunt you ... and hover right above the relationship. And you'll be in a place where you work extra hard at the kid-raising to minimize the effort and work required of him... Not a good place to be.

If you're into kids, find someone who is definitely, definitively into having kids. Period. Yes/no. No room for vagueness. You can date him a few more months ... See if he shifts ... Don't move in ... Moving in does NOT resolve this difference--not at all.

To be strategic about this, moving in only shifts the power to him ... he'll think you moved in without a commitment to having kids. Why should he change?
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:48 PM   #7
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I used to run a forum for people who chose not to have children, and I can tell you that he does not want kids and that you shouldn't even consider choosing him. You want kids, and he doesn't. He will have nothing but resentment for you if you get pregnant. He will not help with the kids because you're the one who wanted them. Do not choose a man to be a father who doesn't want kids!

Most people who don't want them don't particularly like them even from childhood or think they're annoying. They keep an open mind, but by 30, they know for sure if they don't want them, and he doesn't want them.

You are only four months in. Drop him. You're going to try to change him or trick him, and that isn't going to go well for you. I've seen what happens when a woman has a kid a man isn't ready for. She becomes a single parent, even if they remain married. And nothing but resentment.

If you pick a man who doesn't want kids, you are not thinking of the kids' welfare at all but only being selfish and thinking of yourself. There are plenty of guys out there who want kids. If you're having four of them, you need to find one that not only wants kids, but wants to play a major role in doing half the childcare! So get real about this, because kids are a lot of work and expense. Don't start off wrong by picking a non-Dad.
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Last edited by preraph; 16th March 2019 at 1:51 PM..
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Old 16th March 2019, 3:26 PM   #8
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Better to cut this one loose and have only wasted four months, than do the same thing later on and waste 2 years.

He's 30. If he was the kind of guys who wants kids, he would know that by now. He'd be looking for someone else on the same page, and you'd have no doubts in your mind about this.

Perhaps you can persuade him to have one, in time. But where do you think this will lead? If you have the image in your head of a happy family, and an involved dad who looks forward to playing with his kids, then think again. What you'll get is a guy who reluctantly does as little as he can get away with, resents you for his loss of freedom and the financial impact, and considers the kid(s) a drain on his time and energy.

Consider here that your job is not just to pick a guy who you want to spend your life with, but one who you think will be a great father to your future kids. You're gambling far more than just your own future happiness here. Choose carefully.
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Old 16th March 2019, 4:01 PM   #9
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You’re only four months in. Why are you talking about kids?

Plan a vacation together, go travel, live life a little then worry about all that. You have to build a relationship before you should build a family.
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Old 16th March 2019, 4:05 PM   #10
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Good call on your part for asking about kids early on, especially since this is a non negotiable for you.

He can't see far in the future, but you can; that's already an incompatibility.

The only way you can pursue this relationship is to view it as nothing more than a 'in the moment' thing, bc this is how he views it.

He is committing himself to getting to know you, nothing more.
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Old 16th March 2019, 4:38 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by b1a6 View Post
I mean even for men who do want kids, how many out there think they're going to want that many kids...?
Hell, I'm a woman and I wouldn't even consider having a litter of kids that big.

You have the advantage of going your own way right now because quite honestly, it sounds like you know exactly what you want and you want to start laying the groundwork to achieve it. You're MUCH better off finding a mate whose on the same page as you, not one that you're going to have to constantly wear down until he cries 'uncle' and gives in. You're excited at the prospect of moving in with him so you keep trying to find hidden meaning in everything he says, that supposedly means he'll be onboard for kids soon.

Stop wasting your time on a guy who clearly isn't on the same page as you and keeps giving you vague little snippets of hope every time you tell him you need to go your own way to find what you want. He tells you just enough to keep you dangling on his fishing line without him having to back any of it up. Words are cheap. Hell, they're free.

It's not like you're in love with him and have been with him for years and can't bear to leave him. You've got a few scant months invested in him. That's nothing in the scheme of things. Hell, I've got leftovers in my refrigerator that have been in there longer than your relationship.
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Old 16th March 2019, 4:41 PM   #12
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If you want kids you really have to be very clear with men about that.

I don't want kids, not all women do. If I did, I wouldn't have them with any man I would be extremely picky.

You need a man to show you he is mature and responsible and ready for kids, if not he will leave you a single mum... not much fun.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:59 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by TheFinalWord View Post
He doesn't want kids, you do.

This is why you date for, to find out about compatibility.

You are only young for so long. You don't want to waste your youth trying to convince a man to give you kids. There are literally millions of men that want kids. All you're doing is dragging out the inevitable and making it harder on yourself. Moving in at 6 months? That's really quick. This guy is going to get you emotionally snared and then you're going to have to try to convince him to give you kids. I don't get why you are doing this to yourself.
Doing this to myself because I have already been in a few relationships where I was treated pretty badly... I feel like I don't want to give up on someone who genuinely cares about me, treats me well and likes me for my personality unlike those other guys. I mean I guess it's a gamble but I feel like I should take the chance.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:02 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I used to run a forum for people who chose not to have children, and I can tell you that he does not want kids and that you shouldn't even consider choosing him. You want kids, and he doesn't. He will have nothing but resentment for you if you get pregnant. He will not help with the kids because you're the one who wanted them. Do not choose a man to be a father who doesn't want kids!

Most people who don't want them don't particularly like them even from childhood or think they're annoying. They keep an open mind, but by 30, they know for sure if they don't want them, and he doesn't want them.

You are only four months in. Drop him. You're going to try to change him or trick him, and that isn't going to go well for you. I've seen what happens when a woman has a kid a man isn't ready for. She becomes a single parent, even if they remain married. And nothing but resentment.

If you pick a man who doesn't want kids, you are not thinking of the kids' welfare at all but only being selfish and thinking of yourself.
There are plenty of guys out there who want kids. If you're having four of them, you need to find one that not only wants kids, but wants to play a major role in doing half the childcare! So get real about this, because kids are a lot of work and expense. Don't start off wrong by picking a non-Dad.
Well that's an interesting perspective. I never thought of it that way. I watch some popular vlogger who is in a marriage like this with two kids and I feel really bad for her. Of course I wouldn't want to end up in that situation. I wouldn't go through with marrying my bf in the future unless he developed a genuine interest in being a father.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:06 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
You don't want to move in as a way to push him or encourage him to change his mind. I wouldn't interpret his backtracking as evidence that he thinks he does want kids. I would interpret his backtracking as evidence that he likes you ... that's different than a having a genuine interest in kids.

Your task right now is to not back down on your desire to have kids and on your insistence that that's a deal-breaker. Stand your ground firmly--even obnoxiously--and see if he shifts ... A close friend of mine basically had his heart broken when his ambivalent-about-having-kids wife ... decided a few years into that she definitely did NOT want to have kids. He stayed in the marriage, but the disappointment was crushing ... He did feel betrayed ... His wife had sorta been back and forth like your bf ... The marriage took a major hit.

Do not reassure him ... or try to convince him. Kids are utterly exhausting and require a huge amount of work. You do not want to have kids with someone who has been "talked into it." HE needs to come to this conclusion on his own--and not think of having kids for you.
I am not going to try and change him. I already know that I wouldn't want to be with somebody who chooses having kids just to appease me. I won't ever back down but at the same time I don't think I can bring it up f I for a while because he said he would be annoyed I keep bringing it up
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