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When do you know to leave someone you love?


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Old 13th March 2019, 6:17 PM   #1
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When do you know to leave someone you love?

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and we are in love with each other. However there has been a ongoing issue dealing with our disparity of assets and income. Because we are both retirement close to retirement age this is becoming more of an issue. He wants to marry me and I will not do so only because I am really afraid of the financial repercussions. Even to live with him Iím a bit Iím really nervous about if Iím setting myself up for misery.

I have sought out a lot of advice in regard to this major dilemma. I realize that some people say love is hard enough to find at any age must less at the older age so I should do my best to take my chances. Other people tell me that I am only asking for trouble and that I should just simply date him and we live in our separate homes or apartment and is that the only answer?

My concern is that there really isnít a right answer is there? How do you get yourself to leave someone if you really love them? Is that a contradiction since it feels really wrong for me to leave someone just because of money issues or is this a fairly common situation that comes up and itís no oneĎs fault?
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:19 PM   #2
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Why do you have to leave? Why can't you just maintain status quo & keep dating with separate finances?
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:22 PM   #3
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Why is this black and white for you? Just date him and keep your home and finances separated and well protected. He cant' get to anything you don't give him access to.


If he leaves you over this, then he leaves--but you'll have your home and money, so no harm, no foul.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:26 PM   #4
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I understand what donnivain is saying, but I also understand your predicament. You want to get married and live together and have joint finances, right? I'd want the same when I marry.

Of course there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But if you're already miserable at the thought of even living with him, how are you going to feel when you're legally bound to him?

About 7 months ago, I left my boyfriend of 7 years, and it was really, really hard for me to do. He unfortunately became more and more disrespectful as time went on, and put literally no work into the relationship and was content to let me do everything. We also talked about marrying, and lived together briefly, and always maintained separate finances. The breaking point came when I thought about the future I would have with him, knowing how he was now, and I didn't like what I saw.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:28 PM   #5
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I'm in mid to late 50s and my girlfriend is 7 years younger than I am. She'd get married in a heartbeat and mingle finances but she understands that I'm not interested in going there so she doesn't press the issue. We both have substantial assets although I have more and for various reasons I, as do you, prefer to keep mine separate, however we live together which is a bit more complicated. We worked out out, I moved in with her and give her a couple of grand per month towards expenses and we split up everything else with no particular rhyme or reason but it doesn't amount to much over the long haul compared to finances.


Here's what I suggest for you based on my similar experiences. Tell your boyfriend that marriage is off the table for now and forever. You do not and will not hear about it or talk about it, it's not on your agenda and nothing he can do or say will ever change that and it has nothing to do with him. If it's a dealbreaker, then let's cut our ties sooner rather than later and meet someoone who aligns with our philosophies. If he says "Ok, marriage is off the table" make sure he knows it's not something that will be revisited and then move on to step 2.


You can cohabitate and keep finances separate and contribute to joint expenses as I do. If you don't want to move in with him, then rinse and repeat the same conversation only instead of marriage make it about living together, although I'd imagine you could leave that possibility open for future discussion, because lets face it you don't really want to live alone for the rest of your life, do you?


It's all about holding your ground, establishing your dealbreakers and determining if he's willing to compromise on it.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:28 PM   #6
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I’m afraid that if we live together then I’ll be supporting him if he can’t work. He can pay his regular monthly bills but has very little saved for the future. I’ll end up paying most of the bills then.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:29 PM   #7
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The advice you've sought on this issue: has any of it been legal advice?

Of the money you'd be supporting him with, are you trying to save it for your children?
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:33 PM   #8
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I’m afraid that if we live together then I’ll be supporting him if he can’t work. He can pay his regular monthly bills but has very little saved for the future. I’ll end up paying most of the bills then.
Oh that's a totally different matter altogether. He's got no money. You worked hard and saved money your entire life, you want to have a fun filled retirement, pursue hobbies, travel and not be worried about money. He hasn't saved much. Sorry to say it but he's going to be a parasite. To me yes that would be a legitimate dealbreaker.

My sister is 2 yrs older than me, almost 60 and approaching retirement. She's done quite well financially, just hasn't found the right guy since her divorce 20 years ago. Recently met a guy who was everything she was looking for except he was broke. Poor spending habits, bad job responsibility, etc.

She dumped him. Best move she ever made.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:45 PM   #9
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You are right - at some point if he cannot support himself you will feel obligated to support him, whether or not there is any legal connection (marriage). I certainly wouldn't live together because you probably wouldn't throw him out in that situation unless he was being abusive or cheating.

If you did end up supporting him then you might feel resentful and lose respect for him which would destroy your relationship.

So I get your dilemma. It's a hard decision and there is no right or happy answer, only the answer that is best for you.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:50 PM   #10
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I don't see why you can't just say "No thank you" to marriage or living together and let him keep doing what he's doing. I'm assuming he also could get a job. I'm 66 and limping around I have two.

You are going around in circles on this. So many posts on the very same thing. I don't understand what answer you're waiting to hear that you haven't already heard.

Simply don't marry or live together! No brainer.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:56 PM   #11
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You are going around in circles on this. So many posts on the very same thing. I don't understand what answer you're waiting to hear that you haven't already heard.

I see 2 posts by the Op. Both within the past hr.
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Old 13th March 2019, 7:52 PM   #12
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I’m afraid that if we live together then I’ll be supporting him if he can’t work. He can pay his regular monthly bills but has very little saved for the future. I’ll end up paying most of the bills then.
There are certainly ways that you can protect your assets, seek legal advice if you decide to marry or live together and get a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement.

Why does he have no assets? And, does he have a lot of debt?

I am in a similar position, although a fair bit younger than you... It is not wrong to want to protect the assets that you have spent a lifetime working to achieve. I would not marry for live with a man who had no money, who I would be required to support financially, and who would not have the ability to travel and enjoy life in retirement. When I do move in with my boyfriend, we will most definitely have a cohabitation agreement.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:14 PM   #13
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Deep in your heart ignore what other people are saying including your boyfriend

What do you want?

Sounds like to me you want him to remain your boyfriend, have seperate places, and not get married right?

Start there

Don't feel you have to get married because he wants to or people feel you should. Both people have to want it and it sounds like you don't

So make a clear stand "honey I love you and I want to remain in this great relationship with you but I have decided I don't want to marry and I don't want to live together for xyz reasons".

If he doesn't want to be your boyfriend that's his choice

Now if you decided that you rather have a guy more financially stable that you want to move in with or marry well then start there

What do you want? Deep down?

What you don't want to do is agree to something that your not okay with in your heart simply because it's what another person wants. Major mistake. You shouldn't stay with a man out of fear. And you damn sure shouldn't marry him out of fear.

How do you leave a man you love? (Assuming that leaving will ultimately make you happy) you just do it despite how you feel. Your going to cry. Your going to grieve. But you do it if you find you can't have him in your life without marrying/living with him. You do it if you find your not compatible. You do it if being with him will ultimately make you unhappy or you can't find a resolution that your at peace with. You do it while hurting/crying. But you just do it.

Good luck
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:45 AM   #14
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Why do you keep posting the same thread on multiple sites under different accounts? You are going to get the same answers. Don't marry the guy, and keep your assets separate. Listen to your daughter, she knows you better than anyone on the net.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:51 AM   #15
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Iím afraid that if we live together then Iíll be supporting him if he canít work. He can pay his regular monthly bills but has very little saved for the future. Iíll end up paying most of the bills then.
And this is a very valid reason for keeping separate living quarters.
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