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Girlfriends aggression, excessive phone use, best friend...


hypeamg

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I have been with my girlfriend (on and off) for around 2.5 years now. Initially I was the one that broke it off but we were 'seeing' each other for the first 1.5 years and the only reason for this was based on the fact that we both came out of quite abusive marriages, so we wanted to take things slow and it took me quite some time myself to be able to trust and invest in someone again.

 

We have been officially together as a couple for around 6 months now. Over the last few months quite a few things have started to bother me. She is currently seeing a councillor over these issues, however I would like to know what others think in regards to the below.

 

RAGE

 

Unfortunately as amazing as this woman can be, she can also be a complete nightmare. She gets extremely overwhelmed over the smallest things and this has gone back as long as I can remember, her tolerance for stress is basically just above zero.

 

I have noticed a pattern since we got together where around every 4-6 weeks, out of absolutely nowhere she would completely lose her s**t for no reason, or over the smallest things and these were never things she communicated to me previously. She is extremely insecure and feels as though I am out of her league which I understand because she comes from a dysfunctional family and has very low self worth.

 

The most difficult part is when we become extremely close and intimate which is often amazing because it's a case of thinking how could I get any closer to this person? Yet, when this happens she will flip out shortly after over nothing and push me away. She is fully aware that she is doing this, and I will be honest if I didn't love her I would of walked away a long time ago now.

 

Has anyone else dealt with an individual like this? She is completely aware she "messes everything up" as she calls it and is talking to a therapist this week onwards about this, which seems to be down to her overthinking, getting paranoid, and basically feeling like... "why on earth is he with me". I am a very supportive partner, I often do romantic things for her and I am there for her whenever she needs me, but my god this is difficult to deal with.

 

BEST FRIEND

 

Another thing that has bothered me is her best friend. I personally keep my distance, but I feel they are too close. This isn't my business, I have never said this to her, and I respect her own decisions as an individual but I do find one thing very strange. Her best friend is also her neighbour, so they see each other quite often, and this particular one thing really bothered me. My other half was going through a difficult time in life and was signed off work due to something traumatic which happened which I can't discuss on here but was difficult for her. I phoned her friend a couple of times to check she was ok, and things seemed to be fine. I then added her to Facebook and she completely ignored my request which I found really odd. Yes I know Facebook isn't real life but my other half said it was because she is a teacher and she has to be careful who she adds. I found this very bizarre since I have only my photo on my page and use FB for messenger. Her friend has over 900 friends, so are you telling me that the school go through each and every single person she is connected to making sure it's ok? I very much doubt it. One thing that really bothered me is when I brought this up with my girlfriend she played it down, and said their is nothing I can do about this. So now I am left wondering if my girlfriend bad mouths me for her own issues, because to me this makes absolutely no sense?

 

EXCESSIVE PHONE USE

 

I know for a fact she hasn't cheated, but I have seen instances in the past when we were just 'seeing each other' of her messaging other men. She never said anything bad on her behalf but some of what those guys said I found completely unacceptable, just flirty innuendo remarks. Now I am not insecure but I found that disrespectful, she admitted it was and said she is putting a stop to it however she has a serious problem with her phone, she is literally never off it or Facebook and it's something she is discussing with the councillor. I got up early this morning for work and saw she was online at 3am on Facebook, I know I shouldn't be looking and I know it proves nothing but I just find all of this really odd. She has anxiety so she sometimes will play a game on there to calm herself down and her negative thoughts, but it's frustrating because it leads me to thinking something is up or going on and I feel like her damn phone is part of our relationship.

 

Any thoughts on the above would be much appreciated.

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OP where there’s smoke there’s usually fire... if you’re on here asking about it it’s happening and it’s usually worse. What you are thinking pull the cord.! Eject from this nightmare of relationship.

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bathtub-row

She might’ve been in a prior abusive relationship but I’m pretty sure she was the abusive one. She’s a nightmare and staying with someone who’s abusive just because you love them isn’t a good enough reason. She will never change and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

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She might’ve been in a prior abusive relationship but I’m pretty sure she was the abusive one. She’s a nightmare and staying with someone who’s abusive just because you love them isn’t a good enough reason. She will never change and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

I agree. I have a strong feeling she was the abuser, and guess what? You have found yourself in another abusive relationship, following the same pattern>the abuse is caused by her past, not her, you can't let go, you want to help her, your reason for staying is because you are in love....don't you see it? You are right back at it again. You have learned nothing from your previous marriage.

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Please don't take this the wrong way, but explosive aggression and anger every fixed amount of time suggests a form of mental disorder, bipolar is my guess.

 

My only advice is to do what would make you happy. The fact that you're uncomfortable and unhappy with several aspects of your relationship makes me wonder why you got back together after breaking up so often. I personally don't see a healthy, compatible and stable future with a person like this.

 

Why are you with her again?

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I agree. I have a strong feeling she was the abuser, and guess what? You have found yourself in another abusive relationship, following the same pattern>the abuse is caused by her past, not her, you can't let go, you want to help her, your reason for staying is because you are in love....don't you see it? You are right back at it again. You have learned nothing from your previous marriage.

 

Let's try and be more supportive. It's not easy changing your mindset after being abused for so long. We know nothing else.

 

OP, I'm sorry but I think smackie9 is right. Try to see your situation from far away. You may have returned to your old patterns (and thats okay!) This is an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. You guys aren't married, so moving away from such an unhealthy relationship should surely be easier than a divorce.

 

Put yourself first. Love yourself, and realize that you have no obligation to stay in relationships with people you aren't prepared to handle. Her mental health is NOT your responsibility, YOUR mental health is. Make choices that will bring you longterm health and happiness, not temporary relief from guilt (which is the common emotion among victims of abuse, it's a strong manipulative tactic to use guilt).

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Sorry but I have to be blunt in these threads. I was a victim of an abusive relaitonship, physical and mental. I wish someone was there to straighten my head out. I'm trying to snap the OP out of it because he's going down a very dangerous road and I can't be calm about it.

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Mrs._December
Please don't take this the wrong way, but explosive aggression and anger every fixed amount of time suggests a form of mental disorder, bipolar is my guess.

I agree with this opinion 100%.

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Sorry but I have to be blunt in these threads. I was a victim of an abusive relaitonship, physical and mental. I wish someone was there to straighten my head out. I'm trying to snap the OP out of it because he's going down a very dangerous road and I can't be calm about it.

 

You have a beautiful soul smackie9 <3

 

I guess we can tackle this from two angles: your tough love and my softer approach. I was born to an abusive, violent and sadistic borderline personality mother. I knew nothing but darkness for the first 15 years of my life. Literally only in my mid 20s did I learn that half the **** I thought was real, was actually a delusion manipulated onto me so I would tolerate my moms abuse. I empathize with OP in a different respect -- I can see his subconscious beliefs still need some shifting to recognize the truth in your words (since you've already passed that phase). Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction may be what someone needs :)

 

Either way OP, take our words with consideration. We both have reason to say what we say. Know that you're not alone, and we support you, even by online means. Recognize that you deserve love and happiness, and are under no obligation to tolerate what hurts (even if on some subconscious level you believe it's okay).

 

Namaste my friend. Know that you are strong enough to overcome this.

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bathtub-row

I think smackie’s post was right on target. OP is repeating the pattern and needs to end it. I dated a guy once who became a stalker, very explosive personality. I dumped him really fast. On the heels of that, I found another explosive guy and stayed with him longer. That was a painful experience. If we don’t cut these people out of our lives quickly, and shake these patterns, life will keep handing them to you. It’s only when you say “Under no circumstances will I tolerate that type of person in my life” that they stop showing up.

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You have a beautiful soul smackie9 <3

 

I guess we can tackle this from two angles: your tough love and my softer approach. I was born to an abusive, violent and sadistic borderline personality mother. I knew nothing but darkness for the first 15 years of my life. Literally only in my mid 20s did I learn that half the **** I thought was real, was actually a delusion manipulated onto me so I would tolerate my moms abuse. I empathize with OP in a different respect -- I can see his subconscious beliefs still need some shifting to recognize the truth in your words (since you've already passed that phase). Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction may be what someone needs :)

 

Either way OP, take our words with consideration. We both have reason to say what we say. Know that you're not alone, and we support you, even by online means. Recognize that you deserve love and happiness, and are under no obligation to tolerate what hurts (even if on some subconscious level you believe it's okay).

 

Namaste my friend. Know that you are strong enough to overcome this.

Wow my mom was horrible too. She is OCD/bi-polar (manic in those days) alcoholic/proscription pill abuser. I didn't come to terms with it until my early 30's. I just lost my s&*^ on her. And again on my 40th Bday...yay fun times.

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Wow my mom was horrible too. She is OCD/bi-polar (manic in those days) alcoholic/proscription pill abuser. I didn't come to terms with it until my early 30's. I just lost my s&*^ on her. And again on my 40th Bday...yay fun times.

 

That just means you are an old, strong soul <3 <3 <3

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That just means you are an old, strong soul <3 <3 <3

lol wow we both had crazy moms. :bunny: Not old soul, we had to grow up faster.

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Dude bail on this wreck before you end up locked in a second abusive marriage! J.H.C.

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El Duendecillo
Any thoughts on the above would be much appreciated.

 

 

Run!

 

And don't look back.

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Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and give advice, I really appreciate it. I also think you are absolutely right, having had an abusive family I had to go not contact with 1.5 years ago and an abusive ex-wife I guess on a subconscious level until I work on myself fully I relate to this treatment as normal when it is clearly not.

 

I feel as though this woman wears a lot of different makes and both my gut and intuition know deep down that this is not good for me. The compassionate part of me feels bad because I know this is more than likely her upbringing and programming because her mother is very abusive, but regardless I can’t change or fix that.

 

Last time we split it was quite damaging, she came over to the house uninvited and refused to leave. She was incredibly angry even though she gaslights me and tells me it’s not anger it’s her being upset. I noticed last night she took none of my feelings into account when I said to her I was unable to get close again because of how she reacted before a couple of days after I had done something really thoughtful for her. She’s sketchy with her phone without a doubt and I’m beginning to wonder if she does it on purpose to try and grind me down and make me insecure.

 

However that being said, I’ve decided to work on myself and slowly bring myself out of the relationship without the immediate cut off which was pretty hard to deal with last time, I think if I gradually pull away and then end things (as I don’t want to hurt her regardless of her issues) then this may be a good way for me to exit without damage and be in a place where I am strong enough to do it. Ultimately I know I have to start putting boundaries in place, detach from this emotionally, and just respond and not react when she becomes argumentative or aggressive.

 

I know this seems like the wrong way to do things but ultimately it’s what I did with my own family and it made the entire situation a lot calmer to deal with as my abusive family were giving me huge anxiety at the time so had I of not backed off carefully without them knowing it probably would of been really damaging for me, but I’m in a place with them where I am no contact and all that anxiety has gone even if my father does keep hoovering and trying to control me. I haven’t spoken to them for over a year and that worked so I’m hoping this is something I can adopt for this situation I am currently in.

 

She isn’t that way 100% of the time and she has done some amazing things for me (can be very fun, sweet and caring) regardless of the way she behaves which she has adopted from childhood. So for me I think rather than brutally cutting it off immediately (and this isn’t an excuse I’m aware of all of this stuff) with who I am as a person having a lot of compassion, I can begin pulling back, working on myself and then leaving. Hopefully this may be the best thing I can do for both myself and her. The last thing I want to do is leave her in bits but at the same time, and that’s not me saying I am staying at all because I’m not, just taking a calm rational and self protective way out of this situation with enough self strength to finally leave without a ton of damage.

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Of course she isnt that way 100% of the time, these people never are. If they were, it would be far easier to dump them.

 

Just make sure your not tolerating her bad behaviour, because your addicted to her good behaviour. That would be the behaviour of a drug addict, we've all been there.

 

Are you really breaking it off gently to not hurt her feelings? Or because you want to feel her good side again? People tolerate abuse to get to a persons good side, and that is not self love.

 

Many of us have had abuse in our backgrounds. Until we're on the way to self heal, we tend to attract the same type of dysfunctional person in our lives again and again, until we recognise that and say no.

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"Gradually pulling away" is less likely to work, it gives her time to yank you back with drama. And it will likely give her the false impression things will work out.

 

Strongly recommend a firm ending of this.

 

No matter what you do, I strongly recommend you get a VAR and start carrying it on you in case this escalates into false assault accusations or the like.

 

Sounds extreme? Wake up, stories where that is an element commonly have these rage episodes as an element.

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Yeah , pretty well agree with most l think she has something , BP or mild bpd or something and the every 5 or 6wks thing is a need.

The friend , who gives a fk if she doesn't add you not like your even close anyway.

But yeah , l don't think you can fix her or even if you find ways to get improvements l think she'll just pay you back double next time , like l say it seems to be a need , to pop , part of their illness.And they can get very creative too and just ware you down.

l think you've gotta insist with your self after everything else you've been through , that it just isn't necessary. lt's not your curse , you can change it all by telling yourself that no , it doesn't have to be like this in your life.

You can choose , you have the choice, to insist on a happy balanced person , or put up with this.

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There isn't going to a painless way out of this relationship. Even if you are able to slowly detach (doubtful) your gf will notice and then she will really step up the drama and you will just sink deeper into this mess. I know you aren't going to leave her right now because the relationship hasn't become painful enough yet. However the day will come when the pain of staying will outweigh the pain of leaving. When that day comes you will realize that you just have to end it on the spot and walk away. It won't be amicable, it won't be nice. It will be ugly and painful and full of drama but by that time the relationship will have you in so much misery you won't care, you will just want to escape at all costs. Right now you are just delaying the inevitable

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bathtub-row

I basically once did the gradual thing with an ex of mine and it worked. Sometimes it’s the best way because you recognize that it’s an unhealthy relationship that won’t last but there’s a part of you that’s addicted. Eventually, things will reach a point where you can’t tolerate them any longer and it ends.

 

OP, you need to do things in your own way, in your own time but don’t make the mistake of feeling sorry for her or making excuses for her behavior. She feeds on anger and control and she does it because she enjoys it. You can call it upbringing, genetics, or whatever. It’s what she does because she made that choice.

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