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Girlfriends aggression, excessive phone use, best friend...


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Old 13th March 2019, 5:38 AM   #1
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Girlfriends aggression, excessive phone use, best friend...

I have been with my girlfriend (on and off) for around 2.5 years now. Initially I was the one that broke it off but we were 'seeing' each other for the first 1.5 years and the only reason for this was based on the fact that we both came out of quite abusive marriages, so we wanted to take things slow and it took me quite some time myself to be able to trust and invest in someone again.

We have been officially together as a couple for around 6 months now. Over the last few months quite a few things have started to bother me. She is currently seeing a councillor over these issues, however I would like to know what others think in regards to the below.

RAGE

Unfortunately as amazing as this woman can be, she can also be a complete nightmare. She gets extremely overwhelmed over the smallest things and this has gone back as long as I can remember, her tolerance for stress is basically just above zero.

I have noticed a pattern since we got together where around every 4-6 weeks, out of absolutely nowhere she would completely lose her s**t for no reason, or over the smallest things and these were never things she communicated to me previously. She is extremely insecure and feels as though I am out of her league which I understand because she comes from a dysfunctional family and has very low self worth.

The most difficult part is when we become extremely close and intimate which is often amazing because it's a case of thinking how could I get any closer to this person? Yet, when this happens she will flip out shortly after over nothing and push me away. She is fully aware that she is doing this, and I will be honest if I didn't love her I would of walked away a long time ago now.

Has anyone else dealt with an individual like this? She is completely aware she "messes everything up" as she calls it and is talking to a therapist this week onwards about this, which seems to be down to her overthinking, getting paranoid, and basically feeling like... "why on earth is he with me". I am a very supportive partner, I often do romantic things for her and I am there for her whenever she needs me, but my god this is difficult to deal with.

BEST FRIEND

Another thing that has bothered me is her best friend. I personally keep my distance, but I feel they are too close. This isn't my business, I have never said this to her, and I respect her own decisions as an individual but I do find one thing very strange. Her best friend is also her neighbour, so they see each other quite often, and this particular one thing really bothered me. My other half was going through a difficult time in life and was signed off work due to something traumatic which happened which I can't discuss on here but was difficult for her. I phoned her friend a couple of times to check she was ok, and things seemed to be fine. I then added her to Facebook and she completely ignored my request which I found really odd. Yes I know Facebook isn't real life but my other half said it was because she is a teacher and she has to be careful who she adds. I found this very bizarre since I have only my photo on my page and use FB for messenger. Her friend has over 900 friends, so are you telling me that the school go through each and every single person she is connected to making sure it's ok? I very much doubt it. One thing that really bothered me is when I brought this up with my girlfriend she played it down, and said their is nothing I can do about this. So now I am left wondering if my girlfriend bad mouths me for her own issues, because to me this makes absolutely no sense?

EXCESSIVE PHONE USE

I know for a fact she hasn't cheated, but I have seen instances in the past when we were just 'seeing each other' of her messaging other men. She never said anything bad on her behalf but some of what those guys said I found completely unacceptable, just flirty innuendo remarks. Now I am not insecure but I found that disrespectful, she admitted it was and said she is putting a stop to it however she has a serious problem with her phone, she is literally never off it or Facebook and it's something she is discussing with the councillor. I got up early this morning for work and saw she was online at 3am on Facebook, I know I shouldn't be looking and I know it proves nothing but I just find all of this really odd. She has anxiety so she sometimes will play a game on there to calm herself down and her negative thoughts, but it's frustrating because it leads me to thinking something is up or going on and I feel like her damn phone is part of our relationship.

Any thoughts on the above would be much appreciated.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:09 AM   #2
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Sorry, no practical advice from me - I would have left her long ago
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:25 AM   #3
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OP where thereís smoke thereís usually fire... if youíre on here asking about it itís happening and itís usually worse. What you are thinking pull the cord.! Eject from this nightmare of relationship.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:43 AM   #4
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She mightíve been in a prior abusive relationship but Iím pretty sure she was the abusive one. Sheís a nightmare and staying with someone whoís abusive just because you love them isnít a good enough reason. She will never change and youíre setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:49 AM   #5
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OK ask yourself this: what advice would you give your friend if he was in this situation?
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You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:52 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
She might’ve been in a prior abusive relationship but I’m pretty sure she was the abusive one. She’s a nightmare and staying with someone who’s abusive just because you love them isn’t a good enough reason. She will never change and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
I agree. I have a strong feeling she was the abuser, and guess what? You have found yourself in another abusive relationship, following the same pattern>the abuse is caused by her past, not her, you can't let go, you want to help her, your reason for staying is because you are in love....don't you see it? You are right back at it again. You have learned nothing from your previous marriage.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:56 AM   #7
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but explosive aggression and anger every fixed amount of time suggests a form of mental disorder, bipolar is my guess.

My only advice is to do what would make you happy. The fact that you're uncomfortable and unhappy with several aspects of your relationship makes me wonder why you got back together after breaking up so often. I personally don't see a healthy, compatible and stable future with a person like this.

Why are you with her again?
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:59 AM   #8
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I agree. I have a strong feeling she was the abuser, and guess what? You have found yourself in another abusive relationship, following the same pattern>the abuse is caused by her past, not her, you can't let go, you want to help her, your reason for staying is because you are in love....don't you see it? You are right back at it again. You have learned nothing from your previous marriage.
Let's try and be more supportive. It's not easy changing your mindset after being abused for so long. We know nothing else.

OP, I'm sorry but I think smackie9 is right. Try to see your situation from far away. You may have returned to your old patterns (and thats okay!) This is an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. You guys aren't married, so moving away from such an unhealthy relationship should surely be easier than a divorce.

Put yourself first. Love yourself, and realize that you have no obligation to stay in relationships with people you aren't prepared to handle. Her mental health is NOT your responsibility, YOUR mental health is. Make choices that will bring you longterm health and happiness, not temporary relief from guilt (which is the common emotion among victims of abuse, it's a strong manipulative tactic to use guilt).
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:07 AM   #9
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Sorry but I have to be blunt in these threads. I was a victim of an abusive relaitonship, physical and mental. I wish someone was there to straighten my head out. I'm trying to snap the OP out of it because he's going down a very dangerous road and I can't be calm about it.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:19 AM   #10
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but explosive aggression and anger every fixed amount of time suggests a form of mental disorder, bipolar is my guess.
I agree with this opinion 100%.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:25 AM   #11
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Sorry but I have to be blunt in these threads. I was a victim of an abusive relaitonship, physical and mental. I wish someone was there to straighten my head out. I'm trying to snap the OP out of it because he's going down a very dangerous road and I can't be calm about it.
You have a beautiful soul smackie9 <3

I guess we can tackle this from two angles: your tough love and my softer approach. I was born to an abusive, violent and sadistic borderline personality mother. I knew nothing but darkness for the first 15 years of my life. Literally only in my mid 20s did I learn that half the **** I thought was real, was actually a delusion manipulated onto me so I would tolerate my moms abuse. I empathize with OP in a different respect -- I can see his subconscious beliefs still need some shifting to recognize the truth in your words (since you've already passed that phase). Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction may be what someone needs

Either way OP, take our words with consideration. We both have reason to say what we say. Know that you're not alone, and we support you, even by online means. Recognize that you deserve love and happiness, and are under no obligation to tolerate what hurts (even if on some subconscious level you believe it's okay).

Namaste my friend. Know that you are strong enough to overcome this.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:09 AM   #12
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I think smackieís post was right on target. OP is repeating the pattern and needs to end it. I dated a guy once who became a stalker, very explosive personality. I dumped him really fast. On the heels of that, I found another explosive guy and stayed with him longer. That was a painful experience. If we donít cut these people out of our lives quickly, and shake these patterns, life will keep handing them to you. Itís only when you say ďUnder no circumstances will I tolerate that type of person in my lifeĒ that they stop showing up.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:53 AM   #13
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You have a beautiful soul smackie9 <3

I guess we can tackle this from two angles: your tough love and my softer approach. I was born to an abusive, violent and sadistic borderline personality mother. I knew nothing but darkness for the first 15 years of my life. Literally only in my mid 20s did I learn that half the **** I thought was real, was actually a delusion manipulated onto me so I would tolerate my moms abuse. I empathize with OP in a different respect -- I can see his subconscious beliefs still need some shifting to recognize the truth in your words (since you've already passed that phase). Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction may be what someone needs

Either way OP, take our words with consideration. We both have reason to say what we say. Know that you're not alone, and we support you, even by online means. Recognize that you deserve love and happiness, and are under no obligation to tolerate what hurts (even if on some subconscious level you believe it's okay).

Namaste my friend. Know that you are strong enough to overcome this.
Wow my mom was horrible too. She is OCD/bi-polar (manic in those days) alcoholic/proscription pill abuser. I didn't come to terms with it until my early 30's. I just lost my s&*^ on her. And again on my 40th Bday...yay fun times.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:34 PM   #14
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Wow my mom was horrible too. She is OCD/bi-polar (manic in those days) alcoholic/proscription pill abuser. I didn't come to terms with it until my early 30's. I just lost my s&*^ on her. And again on my 40th Bday...yay fun times.
That just means you are an old, strong soul <3 <3 <3
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Old 13th March 2019, 5:33 PM   #15
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That just means you are an old, strong soul <3 <3 <3
lol wow we both had crazy moms. Not old soul, we had to grow up faster.
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