Jump to content

Pattern change - is it time to panic?


One2Three

Recommended Posts

My BF and I are semi long distance, we spend every weekend together but during the week - only phone/text. Because of work schedules our only talk time has been his evening commute to work.

 

Now... this month he changed branches so he’s commuting with public transport and doesn’t want to talk on the phone, except 1-2 times a week when he arrives at work. The whole year before we were talking every night, except in special circumstances.

 

He compensated by texting and emailing more, but still... I feel so abandoned. Am I right to feel like this? Is it the circumstances or lack of desire? He says he’s uncomfortable to call from work if there are people around, but yet I’m sure he’d have called me from his train like he did from his car before, if he really wanted to...

 

It has been 2 weeks since this change started. Beginning of the end, or anxious GF?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Doesn't look good, sorry. :(

 

Could you elaborate? I'm super worried... Am I getting dumped :(?

 

After 1.5 years it will be devastating to get ghosted, do guys do that :( ?

Link to post
Share on other sites

His action sounds like those of a guy who is rapidly distancing himself and preparing to break up. That much being said, all I know of him can be summarized in about 2 paragraphs so all I can do is make a good guess. For all I know he's been recently diagnosed with lymphoma and he's too upset and depressed to focus on you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
His action sounds like those of a guy who is rapidly distancing himself and preparing to break up.

 

Thanks. That's what i see too, we spoke about it last weekend and he was convincing me it's not an issue but I don't believe it really....

 

He *might* have issues that he's not telling me about, but I'm not sure what's the best way to approach it.... Leave him alone? Ask directly?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Doesn't look good for a number of reasons. First, as you say, the pattern change. I wouldn't want to talk to you on the public commuter, either, but I'd make it up some other way. It obviously doesn't concern him enough to make that time up another way.

 

Next, long distance relationships stink, and they hardly ever work out. I won't even consider one. Not a chance.

I'd talk to him and ask him for honesty. Hopefully, if he's losing interest or found somebody new, he'll be forthcoming. Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you're at the point of having the talks where you are asking him if he's going to dump you and he's ineffectively trying to convince you otherwise, then it's strike 2. He's probably at the point where he's weighing all the options, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving. He's got one foot out the door but he's not quite gone yet. Problem is there's not much you can do to change the outcome other than don't chase him, beg him, pressure him, etc. That will just push him out the rest of the way. I know you're thinking you've already done this with "the talk" and making him reassure you but that's done, going forward don't do it again.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah... Since it has been only two weeks, shall I give him more time or ask now? I'm already so worked up with this silence...

 

We're semi long distance as said, he's with me every weekend Friday night to Monday morning. It could have been much worse..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask what? "Do you want to break up with me?". That's so counterproductive on so many levels. Gives him all the power, it devalues you, puts your fate entirely in the hands of someone else. Bad for your self esteem, great for his but makes you much less desirable and attractive in his eyes.

 

 

 

I say back off. Let him be the one to reach out more rather than you all the time. It can't hurt, it can only help. If he's gone, he's gone. Use the time that you aren't focusing on him to do other things for yourself.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I know you're thinking you've already done this with "the talk" and making him reassure you but that's done, going forward don't do it again.

 

Yeah exactly.... Thing is, I'm rapidly getting worked up with this silence. Worse case scenario I'll bottle it up and blow out.

 

Do you know anyone coming back out from this stage? We have had really uncomplicated relationship, and are very much in love (or as I though), this is out of the blue......

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ask what? "Do you want to break up with me?"

 

Ah no, something like "Is everything ok? If you have problems, how can I help" Not phrasing it right but you see the drift....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86
Thanks. That's what i see too, we spoke about it last weekend and he was convincing me it's not an issue but I don't believe it really....

 

He *might* have issues that he's not telling me about, but I'm not sure what's the best way to approach it.... Leave him alone? Ask directly?

 

Are you okay with waiting to get dumped? If so leave him alone and see what happens

 

Are you okay with everything being the same? If so leave him alone and see what happens

 

Are you trying to change his mind? You can't. You could wait and see if he changes but that really isn't good.

 

How do you feel? Are you happy? If not and you already told him how you feel and he pretty much made it clear he is going to be the way he is then you should let him go if that's not the type of relationship you want

 

What do you want???

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you know anyone coming back out from this stage? We have had really uncomplicated relationship, and are very much in love (or as I though), this is out of the blue......

 

 

It's never out of the blue. The dumpee typically has blinders on, thinking everything's ok, missing all the red flags that they don't want to see, while the dumper is slowly but steadily working towards ending things, and by the time they do they're well prepared while the dumpee is like a deer in the headlights. Happens this way all the time. Rarely is a breakup a mutual thing.

 

 

 

Do dumpers come back? Rarely and only if whatever caused the issues is fixed and sometimes it can't be because it comes down to basic differences between two people who grew apart. Or one grew away from the other and just didn't find them to be someone with whom they wanted to be with anymore.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ah no, something like "Is everything ok? If you have problems, how can I help" Not phrasing it right but you see the drift....

 

 

As long as you make it about him and keep it that way. If the word "me" creeps into the convo then you lose.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Do dumpers come back? Rarely and only if whatever caused the issues is fixed and sometimes it can't be because it comes down to basic differences between two people who grew apart. Or one grew away from the other and just didn't find them to be someone with whom they wanted to be with anymore.

 

No disagreements on more serious level has happened, he's always all over me when he sees me, and when we had the 'talk' he said he adores me and I can ask anyone who knows us?!? That's why I'm saying it is completely unexpected.......

Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course you never ask somebody "are you going to dump me?" That's ridiculous. But it is appropriate, next time you guys get together, to ask him if there's a reason he's not talking to you as much and if this distance thing is not going to work out for him.

 

In a relationship, both people have needs. Your needs are not being met by the way he's handling this. You need to stick up for yourself and tell him, "hey, I need a little more communication than this to keep the spark," or whatever. It's important to talk about expectations in a relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
As long as you make it about him and keep it that way. If the word "me" creeps into the convo then you lose.

 

I see... I can try that. I'm not going to do anything over text. Which gives me a painful 3 days to wait and plan it :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.

 

 

How long have you been dating?

Link to post
Share on other sites
You need to stick up for yourself and tell him, "hey, I need a little more communication than this to keep the spark," or whatever. It's important to talk about expectations in a relationship.

 

 

This is ok too. It's a little bit of about you and you gotta keep it low key and not come across as begging or complaining, just putting him on notice. But I wouldn't make it the first thing you talk about. If you've tried to gently but firmly get something out of him as to whether something's wrong, and he's not giving you anything then you could say something along those lines of making your needs known. But also be aware it could bring things to a sudden grinding halt. It just might be the trigger he needs to say "Yeah I know I'm not meeting your needs, so let's just end it now, it's not fair to you" Because you gave him the out. Then again if he responds that way it probably would have happened anyway.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is ok too. It's a little bit of about you and you gotta keep it low key and not come across as begging or complaining, just putting him on notice. But I wouldn't make it the first thing you talk about. If you've tried to gently but firmly get something out of him as to whether something's wrong, and he's not giving you anything then you could say something along those lines of making your needs known. But also be aware it could bring things to a sudden grinding halt. It just might be the trigger he needs to say "Yeah I know I'm not meeting your needs, so let's just end it now, it's not fair to you" Because you gave him the out. Then again if he responds that way it probably would have happened anyway.

 

So in a way I tested this in our last conversation. I gave him the way out (in a joking way but he could have taken it). He actually promised one change: to start working from home on one day of the week to meet more. Hasn't done it yet, but this was last saturday it may need logistical time to make the change....

 

He also left his work stuff at my house maybe as a trick to convince me? I'm spinning here....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86
Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.

 

But what is your alternative?

 

Ask again? He already told you it's nothing. Even if he lying if you ask him again what's up your telling him that a) he is a liar to his face b) your being disrespectful because he already told you and yet you will ask again? That may come off controlling c) your begging. It says please tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. Putting him on an undeserving pedestal right now and you groveling at his feet.

 

None of that is attractive and will only hurt like norm told you

 

I mean unless you want him to angrily say "I DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE" then by all means ask again and keep asking

 

So besides breaking up with a boyfriend on clear BS or waiting and see...what's the alternative here?

 

If he doesn't want to do what you want to do is your alternative to pester him into telling you what's wrong because asking again will do just that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

One more strike: texts are less personal about him, more focused on me . In other words: feel like he’s actively isolating me from his life, although still interested in mine.

 

God is that prebreak up thing??? I may be totally over analyzing it but just reread a few and sounds like this.....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So besides breaking up with a boyfriend on clear BS or waiting and see...what's the alternative here?

 

If he doesn't want to do what you want to do is your alternative to pester him into telling you what's wrong because asking again will do just that.

 

Last time it wasn’t pestering I was semi teasing him... I wasn’t that panicked I got panicked this week since pattern persisted after it was spoken about...

 

I love him so don’t want to lose him over misunderstanding or god forbid leave him in some tough situation ... Bur yeah waiting is crushing me :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...