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Pattern change - is it time to panic?


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Old 12th March 2019, 10:24 PM   #16
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Of course you never ask somebody "are you going to dump me?" That's ridiculous. But it is appropriate, next time you guys get together, to ask him if there's a reason he's not talking to you as much and if this distance thing is not going to work out for him.

In a relationship, both people have needs. Your needs are not being met by the way he's handling this. You need to stick up for yourself and tell him, "hey, I need a little more communication than this to keep the spark," or whatever. It's important to talk about expectations in a relationship.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:25 PM   #17
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As long as you make it about him and keep it that way. If the word "me" creeps into the convo then you lose.
I see... I can try that. I'm not going to do anything over text. Which gives me a painful 3 days to wait and plan it
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:27 PM   #18
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Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:30 PM   #19
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Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.

How long have you been dating?
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:31 PM   #20
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You need to stick up for yourself and tell him, "hey, I need a little more communication than this to keep the spark," or whatever. It's important to talk about expectations in a relationship.

This is ok too. It's a little bit of about you and you gotta keep it low key and not come across as begging or complaining, just putting him on notice. But I wouldn't make it the first thing you talk about. If you've tried to gently but firmly get something out of him as to whether something's wrong, and he's not giving you anything then you could say something along those lines of making your needs known. But also be aware it could bring things to a sudden grinding halt. It just might be the trigger he needs to say "Yeah I know I'm not meeting your needs, so let's just end it now, it's not fair to you" Because you gave him the out. Then again if he responds that way it probably would have happened anyway.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:31 PM   #21
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How long have you been dating?
Close to 1.5 years......
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:35 PM   #22
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This is ok too. It's a little bit of about you and you gotta keep it low key and not come across as begging or complaining, just putting him on notice. But I wouldn't make it the first thing you talk about. If you've tried to gently but firmly get something out of him as to whether something's wrong, and he's not giving you anything then you could say something along those lines of making your needs known. But also be aware it could bring things to a sudden grinding halt. It just might be the trigger he needs to say "Yeah I know I'm not meeting your needs, so let's just end it now, it's not fair to you" Because you gave him the out. Then again if he responds that way it probably would have happened anyway.
So in a way I tested this in our last conversation. I gave him the way out (in a joking way but he could have taken it). He actually promised one change: to start working from home on one day of the week to meet more. Hasn't done it yet, but this was last saturday it may need logistical time to make the change....

He also left his work stuff at my house maybe as a trick to convince me? I'm spinning here....
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:41 PM   #23
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Guys, I understand it looks bad. All I want is to avoid making snap decision or wait to be dumped in silence ;( Very good advice here, very much appreciated.
But what is your alternative?

Ask again? He already told you it's nothing. Even if he lying if you ask him again what's up your telling him that a) he is a liar to his face b) your being disrespectful because he already told you and yet you will ask again? That may come off controlling c) your begging. It says please tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. Putting him on an undeserving pedestal right now and you groveling at his feet.

None of that is attractive and will only hurt like norm told you

I mean unless you want him to angrily say "I DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE" then by all means ask again and keep asking

So besides breaking up with a boyfriend on clear BS or waiting and see...what's the alternative here?

If he doesn't want to do what you want to do is your alternative to pester him into telling you what's wrong because asking again will do just that.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:42 PM   #24
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One more strike: texts are less personal about him, more focused on me . In other words: feel like heís actively isolating me from his life, although still interested in mine.

God is that prebreak up thing??? I may be totally over analyzing it but just reread a few and sounds like this.....
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:46 PM   #25
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So besides breaking up with a boyfriend on clear BS or waiting and see...what's the alternative here?

If he doesn't want to do what you want to do is your alternative to pester him into telling you what's wrong because asking again will do just that.
Last time it wasnít pestering I was semi teasing him... I wasnít that panicked I got panicked this week since pattern persisted after it was spoken about...

I love him so donít want to lose him over misunderstanding or god forbid leave him in some tough situation ... Bur yeah waiting is crushing me
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:50 PM   #26
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I believe you are overthinking things a bit. Relax a little and don't think the worst. If he's said he's going to work 1 day a week at home to see you more, he's trying.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:55 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by One2Three View Post
Last time it wasnít pestering I was semi teasing him... I wasnít that panicked I got panicked this week since pattern persisted after it was spoken about...

I love him so donít want to lose him over misunderstanding or god forbid leave him in some tough situation ... Bur yeah waiting is crushing me
again what is your alternative though?
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:57 PM   #28
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again what is your alternative though?

In my ex's case, a preemptive strike - breaking up with me because "she just knew" I was going to break up with her at some point, nevermind the fact it was all in her head.

I am not in any way insinuating this is what the OP is thinking of doing or would do, just giving another angle on these sorts of things.
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Old 12th March 2019, 11:04 PM   #29
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Curious, the alternative is to wait and see, maybe with a deadline.worse case scenario - if this goes for long, but why would he torture me if he wants to leave???

Highdry, Iím not going to do the preemptive strike. Itís tempting because silence is hard to handle, but as you said... heís trying... maybe. Need to see it happen to believe it. But in any case, heís too special to me to put my ego above our relationship;(
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Old 12th March 2019, 11:52 PM   #30
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You feel abandoned if you don't hear from him for one day?! I don't understand. You see him Friday to Monday. He talks to you 1-2 days out of the Tues, Wed, Thu, and he emails you. He's all over you when he sees you. Why do you fear he's leaving you? Pattern change? His work location changed so his commute changed and probably other things changed like his sleep schedule. He's not a robot.
Are you insecure because after 1.5 years you are still semi long distance, you've fallen into a rut and you have had no talks about moving? How long do you want to keep doing this long distance? Another 5 years? I don't see how he can keep traveling to you. I can't do that. The fact that he still does it is something...
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