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Pattern change - is it time to panic?


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Old 12th March 2019, 9:14 PM   #1
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Pattern change - is it time to panic?

My BF and I are semi long distance, we spend every weekend together but during the week - only phone/text. Because of work schedules our only talk time has been his evening commute to work.

Now... this month he changed branches so hes commuting with public transport and doesnt want to talk on the phone, except 1-2 times a week when he arrives at work. The whole year before we were talking every night, except in special circumstances.

He compensated by texting and emailing more, but still... I feel so abandoned. Am I right to feel like this? Is it the circumstances or lack of desire? He says hes uncomfortable to call from work if there are people around, but yet Im sure hed have called me from his train like he did from his car before, if he really wanted to...

It has been 2 weeks since this change started. Beginning of the end, or anxious GF?
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Old 12th March 2019, 9:50 PM   #2
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Doesn't look good, sorry.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:03 PM   #3
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Doesn't look good, sorry.
Could you elaborate? I'm super worried... Am I getting dumped ?

After 1.5 years it will be devastating to get ghosted, do guys do that ?
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:05 PM   #4
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His action sounds like those of a guy who is rapidly distancing himself and preparing to break up. That much being said, all I know of him can be summarized in about 2 paragraphs so all I can do is make a good guess. For all I know he's been recently diagnosed with lymphoma and he's too upset and depressed to focus on you.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:09 PM   #5
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His action sounds like those of a guy who is rapidly distancing himself and preparing to break up.
Thanks. That's what i see too, we spoke about it last weekend and he was convincing me it's not an issue but I don't believe it really....

He *might* have issues that he's not telling me about, but I'm not sure what's the best way to approach it.... Leave him alone? Ask directly?
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:09 PM   #6
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Doesn't look good for a number of reasons. First, as you say, the pattern change. I wouldn't want to talk to you on the public commuter, either, but I'd make it up some other way. It obviously doesn't concern him enough to make that time up another way.

Next, long distance relationships stink, and they hardly ever work out. I won't even consider one. Not a chance.
I'd talk to him and ask him for honesty. Hopefully, if he's losing interest or found somebody new, he'll be forthcoming. Good luck.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:12 PM   #7
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If you're at the point of having the talks where you are asking him if he's going to dump you and he's ineffectively trying to convince you otherwise, then it's strike 2. He's probably at the point where he's weighing all the options, the pros and cons of staying vs leaving. He's got one foot out the door but he's not quite gone yet. Problem is there's not much you can do to change the outcome other than don't chase him, beg him, pressure him, etc. That will just push him out the rest of the way. I know you're thinking you've already done this with "the talk" and making him reassure you but that's done, going forward don't do it again.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:13 PM   #8
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Yeah... Since it has been only two weeks, shall I give him more time or ask now? I'm already so worked up with this silence...

We're semi long distance as said, he's with me every weekend Friday night to Monday morning. It could have been much worse..
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:17 PM   #9
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Ask what? "Do you want to break up with me?". That's so counterproductive on so many levels. Gives him all the power, it devalues you, puts your fate entirely in the hands of someone else. Bad for your self esteem, great for his but makes you much less desirable and attractive in his eyes.



I say back off. Let him be the one to reach out more rather than you all the time. It can't hurt, it can only help. If he's gone, he's gone. Use the time that you aren't focusing on him to do other things for yourself.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:17 PM   #10
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I know you're thinking you've already done this with "the talk" and making him reassure you but that's done, going forward don't do it again.
Yeah exactly.... Thing is, I'm rapidly getting worked up with this silence. Worse case scenario I'll bottle it up and blow out.

Do you know anyone coming back out from this stage? We have had really uncomplicated relationship, and are very much in love (or as I though), this is out of the blue......
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:18 PM   #11
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Ask what? "Do you want to break up with me?"
Ah no, something like "Is everything ok? If you have problems, how can I help" Not phrasing it right but you see the drift....
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:20 PM   #12
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Thanks. That's what i see too, we spoke about it last weekend and he was convincing me it's not an issue but I don't believe it really....

He *might* have issues that he's not telling me about, but I'm not sure what's the best way to approach it.... Leave him alone? Ask directly?
Are you okay with waiting to get dumped? If so leave him alone and see what happens

Are you okay with everything being the same? If so leave him alone and see what happens

Are you trying to change his mind? You can't. You could wait and see if he changes but that really isn't good.

How do you feel? Are you happy? If not and you already told him how you feel and he pretty much made it clear he is going to be the way he is then you should let him go if that's not the type of relationship you want

What do you want???
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:20 PM   #13
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Do you know anyone coming back out from this stage? We have had really uncomplicated relationship, and are very much in love (or as I though), this is out of the blue......

It's never out of the blue. The dumpee typically has blinders on, thinking everything's ok, missing all the red flags that they don't want to see, while the dumper is slowly but steadily working towards ending things, and by the time they do they're well prepared while the dumpee is like a deer in the headlights. Happens this way all the time. Rarely is a breakup a mutual thing.



Do dumpers come back? Rarely and only if whatever caused the issues is fixed and sometimes it can't be because it comes down to basic differences between two people who grew apart. Or one grew away from the other and just didn't find them to be someone with whom they wanted to be with anymore.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:21 PM   #14
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Ah no, something like "Is everything ok? If you have problems, how can I help" Not phrasing it right but you see the drift....

As long as you make it about him and keep it that way. If the word "me" creeps into the convo then you lose.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:24 PM   #15
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Do dumpers come back? Rarely and only if whatever caused the issues is fixed and sometimes it can't be because it comes down to basic differences between two people who grew apart. Or one grew away from the other and just didn't find them to be someone with whom they wanted to be with anymore.
No disagreements on more serious level has happened, he's always all over me when he sees me, and when we had the 'talk' he said he adores me and I can ask anyone who knows us?!? That's why I'm saying it is completely unexpected.......
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