Jump to content

GF of 1 month, it is already getting complicated or am I overthinking ?


Gargomo

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone :)

 

So I've been out of a very long relationship which lasted 6 years. I've been single for about a year and half and I was rebuilding myself, enjoying life and not really caring about girls.

 

I didn't have a relationship since because I didn't really find a girl who suited me nor I had a big interest in. Then she appeared.

 

My current GF and I met via friends and we started to get closer at parties and started to hang out. We had several dinners and we decided to start something together because there was a match and we are very much alike. I'd also like to add that she started hitting on me first and was attracted to me to begin with. Of course, I was attracted as well but much more reserved.

 

We are only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week for the moment and she's the type of girl who's quite busy. I am working as well but I have much more free time than her.

 

I don't really like saying that but she's like a 9/10 and maybe it'll help you understand some of the below facts.

 

So where's the problem? Well there are several :

 

We had sex like 3 times in 2 weeks. She came but I never came and she blamed herself a lot. She thinks that's I am not enough attracted to her. (not true)

 

In addition to that, she is probably thinking that I am not interested because I am making jokes and being sarcastic to her.

 

She doesn't like those jokes and I am making them because it's for me so obvious that those are jokes and jokes only.

 

Last time, we spent our Sunday afternoon together and after our brunch, she told me that she wanted some "me" time and hoped that I don't mind. I didn't but it felt like weird after all of this.

 

For my defence:

 

I reassured her a lot by telling what I really think of her and that I truly like her.

 

I am being very kind and cute. I hug her a lot, act like a gentleman, kiss her a lot and make her feel loved by my actions.

 

Every guy she asked, told her that I was a good guy because she's afraid of that as well.

 

On the good side: - She's a very nice and cute girl. Caring as well.

 

We can talk a lot together

 

We have a heck of similarities, same hobbies, same things we like (feels like a best friend)

 

She talked about me to her friends and even her father apparently.

 

I met some of her friends and she met some of mine as well.

 

A part from that, we talk on daily basis but not big conversations whatsoever. I tried to call her twice today, couldn't get a response even if we talked a bit via DM's. We talk much more face to face or when we're having wine...

 

I heard that she had some self-confidence issues. That isn't obvious at all when you see her because she got her life in hands, got friends, etc... but you can never know. She had a rough past.

 

So currently, I am really confused. Not sure if I am overthinking or if there is an issue. I know that I should be careful with my words even though they feel like nonsense to me but they can hurt her and I am aware of it. Or should I just live daily and not care that much.

 

TL;DR : Fresh relationship started great. Now that I like her I am not sure if I am overthinking or if there is an underlying issue.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's difficult to say if you are overthinking or if she is losing interest since you've only been dating a month and it's fairly common for things to fall apart in the first few months as people get to know each other better and realize they are not compatible.

 

So where's the problem? Well there are several :

 

We had sex like 3 times in 2 weeks. She came but I never came and she blamed herself a lot. She thinks that's I am not enough attracted to her. (not true)

 

So why haven't you been able to finish? I would be very concerned about this if I were her.

 

In addition to that, she is probably thinking that I am not interested because I am making jokes and being sarcastic to her.

 

She doesn't like those jokes and I am making them because it's for me so obvious that those are jokes and jokes only.

 

You don't have the same sense of humor.

 

Last time, we spent our Sunday afternoon together and after our brunch, she told me that she wanted some "me" time and hoped that I don't mind. I didn't but it felt like weird after all of this.

 

This could be nothing at all and she truly just needed some recharge alone time, or she could have had enough of you and wanted to get away for awhile.

 

A part from that, we talk on daily basis but not big conversations whatsoever. I tried to call her twice today, couldn't get a response even if we talked a bit via DM's. We talk much more face to face or when we're having wine...

 

Hmmm....so she's not picking up when you call? And not returning your call? Not a good sign. It's not necessarily a bad sign that you aren't having big conversations on a daily basis. Some people prefer to talk more in person as opposed to text or phone.

 

All you can do is keep moving forward -- communicate, ask her out, etc. -- and see what happens. If her responses slow down, she declines to see you but doesn't offer another time, etc., then it's not looking good for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's only been a month. You are overthinking it. At this early stage you are not going to know her as well as you knew & could read your EX of 6 years. Chill.

 

Do dial back the sarcastic jokes she doesn't like. To you they are obvious. To her they read as mean.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So why haven't you been able to finish? I would be very concerned about this if I were her.

 

Thanks for your feedback !

Regarding the sex part, I just didn't come because I think I need to get used to the person I'm having sex with especially if I care for her. I don't feel like it's a bad or good thing. It takes time but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy it !

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's only been a month. You are overthinking it. At this early stage you are not going to know her as well as you knew & could read your EX of 6 years. Chill.

 

Do dial back the sarcastic jokes she doesn't like. To you they are obvious. To her they read as mean.

 

I agree with you. She liked me because I was the laid back kind of guy. I need to chill as you said ;)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for your feedback !

Regarding the sex part, I just didn't come because I think I need to get used to the person I'm having sex with especially if I care for her. I don't feel like it's a bad or good thing. It takes time but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy it !

So you were nervous........

my advice, don't spend your time reassuring her about anything. This enables the insecurity. Just play it kool.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If during your year and a half dry spell, you relied on porn, that could be why you didn't get off with her. I only bring it up because it's a common thing these days. Guys get used to doing it by their favorite one or two scenarios and have trouble locking in face to face realtime.

 

 

If you've not been on porn, you're probably just nervous and maybe super focused on getting her off. I promise you, she will relax more herself if you're also kind of absorbed. I realize it's not easy to both relax and check out and get someone off at once, but that's kind of what sex is about.

 

Just chill for now and see how it goes. It's still early. You don't know each other well yet.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey guys, thanks for your feedback, here's a little update :

 

So i've been trying to call for the past 2 days, we agreed to call today afternoon but didn't happen either.

 

In the meantime I've sent her a bouquet of roses with a cute little message in it. She sent me a picture of the box but didn't say anything afterwards.

 

I had like no news for the next 5 to 6 hours. I sent her a text asking if I should still expect the call because I'm tired and will go to sleep.

 

A minute later, she posted a story on Instagram of her in a restaurant with one of her colleague, John. I am really not the jealous type at all and I don't mind at all but not responding me for hours, not returning my calls and not even saying thank you for the flowers makes me really doubt about this whole thing.

 

I get that she's doing this only to piss me off but I don't accept this kind of behaviour. We are grown up and we can communicate as adults.

 

Therefore, I'll have discussion with her (If I succeed) and let her know what I think of this and we'll see.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A thank you would be in order, yes, but could be she is tied up for a few hours and waiting until she can get on the phone with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's odd for a guy to not finish because they care about a girl. We're like animals, pump and shoot. Unless you have some serious performance anxiety going.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's odd for a guy to not finish because they care about a girl. We're like animals, pump and shoot. Unless you have some serious performance anxiety going.

 

I don't think it's very odd. We only did it 3 times.

2 times we were drunk.

1 time we were sober and I was about to finish and I didn't because I wanted her to finish first.

Never had any issues in the past.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Gargomo, it's probably bothering her that you're persisting with sarcasm despite her having told you that she doesn't like that kind of humour. Thing is, a joke is only funny if the other person laughs. Even the best comedians alter their humour in order to play to the room. I suggest you have a think about whether you need a woman who gets your sense of humour or whether you would be better off ditching the sarcasm in order to not drive her away.

 

The failed sex is a bit of a problem. How about not drinking so much? And hold back from masturbation for a few days before the next date so that you're rearing to go.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for your feedback ! I stopped when she said she didn't like it even tho she didn't say it loud and clear.

But her not responding to calls and posting stuff on instagram, ignoring me, isn't the best way to react right ? I mean we are 27yo.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well guys, we just broke up.

Fastest and shortest relationship I've ever had ^^

 

Thanks y'all for your help ! Best of luck out there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 times we were drunk.

 

 

You were both drunk 2 out of the 3 times you were intimate?

 

 

More sex, less drinking. With the next one anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon

Your second post revealed that you were working way too hard ... and the flowers ...dude, flowers work only in the movies. Flowers do not change a woman's mind about whether or not she wants to spend time with a man. Save flowers for after the relationship is really working ... and the person indicates they want flowers ... Sending flowers when she's pulling away--you need to relearn how to respond.

 

Imagine someone sent you the equivalent of flowers ... So what?! ... Imagine a woman asks you to a $100 dinner ... or say she has an extra car and wants to give a car to you? Are you suddenly attracted to her? ... No! ... And think about it ... you do not want to date anyone who has lost interest and then sees flowers and says, "OMG, I'm changing my mind."

 

The humor was an early sign of a disconnect. If the person can't get your humor ... especially if you think the humor is so ridiculously the opposite of what you really mean ... then there's a good chance you guys aren't on the same page with your personalities.

 

You don't need to apologize for having trouble coming ... And her interpreting that as you not thinking she's sexy ... a red flag. She's turning everything into reasons why she's not enough for you.

 

Quit chasing when someone pulls away ... no notes, no calls ... let them come to you ...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The flowers were way over the top. This woman was pulling away.

 

The reason I told you to dump her immediately was she was blatantly disrespecting you on purpose. She acknowledged the flowers, never said thank you, then immediately posted a picture of her with another guy. No self-respecting man would ever put up with this behavior.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The reason I told you to dump her immediately was she was blatantly disrespecting you on purpose. She acknowledged the flowers, never said thank you, then immediately posted a picture of her with another guy.

 

She could have simply been out on a work related outing, he could be a platonic friend. Opposite gender friends aren't all that uncommon. He said she posted a story about it perhaps he could clarify what it was about.

 

She acknowledged the flowers without thanking him because maybe she saw it as unnecessary or wasn't impressed with his materialistic way of trying to fix things. Maybe she isn't used to getting gifts. Maybe she's just a bit self centered and not appreciative even downright rude. Doesn't mean he's gotta dump her immediately for it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
curlygirl40
She could have simply been out on a work related outing, he could be a platonic friend. Opposite gender friends aren't all that uncommon. He said she posted a story about it perhaps he could clarify what it was about.

 

 

I don't know. I'm of a different generation so maybe this is why I feel differently, but if I liked and respected the guy and I was just crazy busy out with a work obligation, etc., I would not be posting on social media because I know it's bad form. I would hate for a man I was dating who I really liked to question my feelings for him or question my intentions. It's rude to me.

 

You don't have a second to text a quick 'OMG thank you so much, I'm out with work friends I'll call you on my way home' but you have time to post something on social media? To me it speaks volumes about interest for the other person or just general respect for someone else's feelings. Neither of which is good.

 

So when people say 'maybe they were just busy with work obligations, chill' I don't buy it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Turns out she was just mad at me and disappointed. She didn't reply to my calls but only to my messages because she wanted to avoid to talk about it as she wasn't ready yet. She needed time and space.

 

The flowers were sent with a note in it, maybe it was over the top or too late but I wanted to do it and I did it.

 

She said she was hurt by my words and my behaviour. She didn't feel loved or cared even if I was really cute with all the little other things I did with/for her. Thus she pulled back and was afraid to get hurt again.

 

I explained my position and my feelings but it was like talking to a wall. I told her that we should communicate better and resolve things like adults but it had no effect. I guess she was very mad :p In a nutshell, she wanted to stop because she didn't have the courage to try it again and be disappointed again. She was sad and said it was a pity because she never met someone who had so much in common with her.

 

On my side, I was a bit sad and still am. Lots of friends who "know" her said it was good thing ending now because she'll make me depressed on the long run. I am not sure if I want to hear what they've to say because I had a good feeling with her. We had so many things in common that I thought that she did a background check on me and learnt all the things I love or like :p

 

I'm gonna pull back a bit, think of it, talk around me and I'll see if I really want to fight for her or nope.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

I think she just realized you are not a match for her, and vice versa. She has already lost interest after a month and that usually doesn't bode well for a sustainable reconciliation.

 

Sorry OP. I think you would be best to accept the break-up and move along.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey guys, thanks for your feedback, here's a little update :

 

So i've been trying to call for the past 2 days, we agreed to call today afternoon but didn't happen either.

 

In the meantime I've sent her a bouquet of roses with a cute little message in it. She sent me a picture of the box but didn't say anything afterwards.

 

I had like no news for the next 5 to 6 hours. I sent her a text asking if I should still expect the call because I'm tired and will go to sleep.

 

A minute later, she posted a story on Instagram of her in a restaurant with one of her colleague, John. I am really not the jealous type at all and I don't mind at all but not responding me for hours, not returning my calls and not even saying thank you for the flowers makes me really doubt about this whole thing.

 

I get that she's doing this only to piss me off but I don't accept this kind of behaviour. We are grown up and we can communicate as adults.

 

Therefore, I'll have discussion with her (If I succeed) and let her know what I think of this and we'll see.

 

So at this point, Id really be calling it a day. You send flowers, she doesn't even say thank you but she's got plenty of time for John.

 

It doesn't get any better at this point, and you calling her just pushes her away.

 

The only thing to do is show her how much self respect you have. But you have to mean it.

 

Let her know that you want her, but it's not quite taking off. She's obviously a bit confused, so your going to fully go your own way, and if the confusion clears for her she can reach at to you.

 

This usually works, but bear in mind you'll most probably be straight back at this point before long.

 

I wouldn't advise emotional investment with this one, keep her number but date other women.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...