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coffee date not progressing to dinner?


fieldoflavender

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fieldoflavender

Would you consider it rude if you had a VERY long coffee date and the person doesn't bring it up "Should we do dinner?"

 

I suppose I could have done it too - but I did say there were restaurants where we were and they didn't pick up on it and then I mentioned it offhand afterwards when talking because they were all like "Oh I really liked you blah blah, let's do it again" and they were "Oh I wasn't hungry". Kind of inconsiderate imo since it was late like past 8 pm and even if you're not hungry, you couldn't ask someone else if they were?

 

Anyways I'm not super impressed, but I don't know if it's a deal breaker.

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Haha, settle down, now. He said he liked you, no reason to get all uppity. You can have a proper dinner with him next time. :)

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losangelena

Don’t hint—try getting in the habit of asking for what you want. You’d be amazed how attractive some guys find that to be.

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fieldoflavender

I thought the whole point of a late pm coffee date was to see if the person was worthy of spending money to have dinner with? Sure I can buy my own dinner obviously, but isn't this what this whole song and dance is about?

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I thought the whole point of a late pm coffee date was to see if the person was worthy of spending money to have dinner with? Sure I can buy my own dinner obviously, but isn't this what this whole song and dance is about?

 

 

I did not know that. I always thought the coffee date was to see if there was a possibility, more like a quick meet and greet, and if it went on a long time it was a good sign for more in the future, not that same evening.

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fieldoflavender

Well it can be that if it's actually short/quick- but I mean most normal people eat dinner by at least 8 pm. Like it's just awkward and inconsiderate by then not to ask if someone else has eaten. It just makes me suspect they didn't want to pay for dinner - except if you're actually going to date the person further, that would come up later.

 

Yeah it's just a turn-off. I guess I could go on another date - they suggested we do dinner next time. But it suggests to me the concept of actions < words.

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losangelena

Then next him. If you already think he’s inconsiderate, and it’s date one, move along.

 

I’m trying to think back on my active dating years, and yeah, most of the ones that started out as drinks (didn’t really have a lot of coffee dates) progressed into dinner, usually at the dude’s behest. Try again with the next one.

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Well it can be that if it's actually short/quick- but I mean most normal people eat dinner by at least 8 pm. Like it's just awkward and inconsiderate by then not to ask if someone else has eaten. It just makes me suspect they didn't want to pay for dinner - except if you're actually going to date the person further, that would come up later.

 

Yeah it's just a turn-off. I guess I could go on another date - they suggested we do dinner next time. But it suggests to me the concept of actions < words.

 

What time did the coffee date start?

 

I agree with you and would be turned off by this, especially since you suggested restaurants in the area. That's a not subtle clue that it might be time to eat, especially given the timing. (But to be honest, I would've personally just ended the date if I was hungry or explicitly asked if he wanted to get some food. IMO, coffee dates shouldn't go more than an hour unless the activity changes.)

 

I think he either wasn't interested in you or didn't want to pay for dinner.

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I think he either wasn't interested in you or didn't want to pay for dinner.

 

And that's why you got pis*** off. Because you picked on that too.

 

I would like it either, especially if the date is going well.

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If it were me I would have said: "I'm kinda hungry, lets go grab a slice of pizza, my treat." He says no, not hungry, then you simply cut the date off and go home and eat.

 

 

 

If this isn't your thing to do that, and expect the guy to take the lead, then next the guy, he isn't your type.

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did you mean dinner on another date or that same evening after the coffee date?

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Happy Lemming
Don’t hint—try getting in the habit of asking for what you want. You’d be amazed how attractive some guys find that to be.

 

This is really good advice!!

 

Being a man, please don't be subtle, please don't drop obscure hints... tell me what you want/need. I will try to make it happen.

 

As a side note, maybe the guy wanted to go get a bite to eat, but thought he might be overstepping the parameters of the original plan of a "coffee date". Maybe he thought if he pushed for dinner, you might reject further communication as he deviated from the plan. Who knows.

 

If you want to see him again, tell him. Suggest a quiet diner that has good pie, or someplace low key that isn't too expensive, see where it goes. Then let him take the lead and suggest the next "dinner date" or restaurant.

 

I also like "smackie9" idea/suggestion of a slice of pizza. Who doesn't like a slice of pizza and a coke/diet coke?? :bunny:

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SunnyWeather

I'm guessing this was a first meet, yes? Then, your expectations are misplaced. A coffee date, no matter the time, does not mean you should expect dinner. If you continue with this sense of entitlement you will continue to be disappointed.

 

FWIW: back when I was doing online dating, I made it a rule to not go past an hour or so on the first meet up. If it went well, then a second date was arranged.

 

hope this helps.

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Its one of these reasons I never did long early dates.

 

No I would not be offended that the person didn't evolve the date from coffee to dinner, that same date. If you got hungry it was cue to end the overly long date & go eat.

 

With early dates you always want to leave them wanting more not dragging it out like you will never see them again.

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You came armed with too many expectations for someone you're meeting for the first time.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I thought the whole point of a late pm coffee date was to see if the person was worthy of spending money to have dinner with?

 

Well, going by this, I'd say you have your answer.

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I did not know that. I always thought the coffee date was to see if there was a possibility, more like a quick meet and greet, and if it went on a long time it was a good sign for more in the future, not that same evening.

 

This! It isn’t more complicated than this, OP. I don’t think it was rude at all.

 

I always tried to keep coffee dates short but when they’ve gone well they sometimes lasted a bit longer. For me that has never meant that the date morphed into a different kind of date i.e. dinner. That is what second dates are for.

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bathtub-row

It was pretty inconsiderate. I would’ve looked at my watch and said, “Well, I’ve got dinner plans and will need to leave in about 15 minutes.” I would never hint nor would I suggest dinner. He could do better than that. If he didn’t want to have dinner, he could’ve ended the date, or offered to buy you dinner. A man this obtuse would get on my nerves quick.

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fieldoflavender

Yeah to be honest this isn't the only thing - it was also like the fact that he's going to be living with his brother for a year. And he has the financial means not to do so so it seems like a difference in financial values/other values. Especially since I broke up with my ex fiancé over him being too smothered with his brother and choosing his brother's priorities over me (yes yes you should never make people pick blah blah but we all know when push comes to shove, when you're not prioritized in a relationship, what is the point).

 

I knew that going into the date so it's not a hard deal breaker but it's on the edge of a deal breaker and with little inconsiderate things like this, it may just put me over the edge.

 

The thing is he may be lying and all but I don't think there is a need to be all "Oh I really enjoyed meeting you, let's meet again soon, I really enjoyed spending time with you" if he just wasn't into it.

 

Thing is - he also makes a lot less than me so if anything, he should be proving he can at least not be a complete cheapo - no I don't expect him to pay for everything but if he's going to be cheap then it indicates what his financial spending will be like in the future, and no thanks to paying tons of alimony.

 

Yeah so maybe I will give it one more go - but if the behaviour is going to continue like this or maybe I simply will not be okay with the living with brother thing. We're in our 30's like come on.

 

Or maybe I will just never stay over at his place. Like if it's a year, then yeah whatever, I'm not staying over. And if he has an issue with that, then I guess different values.

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bathtub-row
My god, yes! I get so tired of having to pick up on hints all the time. Let a guy know what you wanna do. Makes things so much easier for all involved. Thank you!

 

I think people are missing the point. That’s fine if he wasn’t up for paying for dinner. The part that was inconsiderate was to continue the date well past dinner and either not ending it or asking if she was hungry. It may seem like a small thing but it wasn’t. This is just basic etiquette and good manners, if you ask me.

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fieldoflavender

Thank you, yes I found it lacking. It's the recognizing it was dinner time as a gentleman. He could even be like "Oh I wish we could grab something but I'm short on time I have to rush back to whatever." It's the lack of recognition then like "Oh I wasn't hungry" - inconsiderate not to consider whether someone else is hungry or not. Or just leave right. Yes I could have left too but I kind of wanted to see how he would handle it.

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bathtub-row
Yeah so maybe I will give it one more go - but if the behaviour is going to continue like this or maybe I simply will not be okay with the living with brother thing. We're in our 30's like come on.

 

The thing is, we will be forced to repeat lessons in our lives if we don’t get them the first time. The universe is throwing the same scenario at you again. If you take the bait, it’ll repeat. If you pass, the universe will get the message - you’re not buying it again.

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