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Not sure after attempting the talk


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Old 10th March 2019, 12:16 PM   #1
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Not sure after attempting the talk

Hey y'all, could use some of your thoughts here as I'm not too sure what to do at the moment really.

Basically I've been dating a girl for about 2.5 months now and things have been great. We met online after both swiping right and I honestly couldn't believe my luck when 'You've Matched!' appeared on my screen and the messages continued to flow, she's stunning!

Within a week we'd had our first date and things had gone great, so we continued to see each other on a weekly basis after that. On our 3rd date we ended up sleeping together and we never really looked back. We still see each other at least once a week, but sometimes more now, and when she spends the night we'll end up spending the whole next day together as well unless she had pre-arranged plans. We publicly kiss and hold hands etc... we've planned to do lots of things together over the summer and her friends know about me and I know about hers... in a nutshell, I have no doubts that things are good and we like each other when we're together.

Yesterday I approached the subject of us making things more official and her response was "I think we need more time" followed by "Do we need to?"

Before I asked her I was in two minds about this as things are good between us and a label isn't necessarily important, but the more I think about it I feel like it's a lack of commitment from her side and I can't really see why she'd be reluctant if she really liked me.

The whole thing has bothered me a bit as my last 'relationship' was basically me getting strung along for a long time by someone who "just wasn't ready to be with someone". She basically mugged me off for a year or so before it all ended horribly and left me in a bad place. I do not want to go down that route again.
I don't necessarily think that this girl is doing the same thing, but based on my past experiences I'm starting to have doubts and although I really don't want to, I can feel myself wanting to distance myself from this for protection. Which then feels like an ultimatum which I don't think is right... aaaannnd I'm overthinking things and feel messed up again.

I've started to notice other things as well like how little we actually talk when we're not together - maybe 3-4 message exchanges per day, sometimes not even a good night or good morning. It's like we're still on a dating app awkwardly making conversation until we meet and things can settle down.

I just don't know what it all means if anything, but am I worrying too much? Did you ever ask/reject someone wanting to make things official and then come around to it later, or is it always a bad thing? I can respect a genuine need for more time, but the phrase brings back some bad memories - maybe I'm just being paranoid, or maybe I've learnt from past mistakes, I don't know...

I haven't even thought of dating anyone else since we first slept together, but now I don't know if I'm just committing myself to someone who isn't willing to do the same to me (just like before!), or if I should just keep things going the way they are and continue to enjoy dating her then see what happens in a few months or so
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Old 10th March 2019, 12:27 PM   #2
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Yup sounds like it. This isn't something you should be questioning, this is something you should take action on...if some guy I was dating said that to me, he would be kicked to the curb quickly. She's keeping her options open, and by now she should know if this is what she wants IMO. It would be wise this time around to stick with your expectations. She doesn't want to make it official...you know what to do.
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:33 PM   #3
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shes not into you.

are u guys exclusive? have u met each others friends? have u got photos together? are u guys on facebook together and have pics on their together?
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:44 PM   #4
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She could just be being careful. It's true she could have someone else maybe she likes, too. If I were you, I wouldn't dump her. I'd just give it maybe two more months and then assess the situation.
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:52 PM   #5
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Don't wait on anyone to come around my friend

You move on and date other women

If she wants that exclusivity offer and your still available and still interested go ahead

But don't wait for this woman or it will be last time remix

Date other women. Choose a girl you like that does want exclusivity with you.
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:36 PM   #6
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The problem could be in your delivery and choice of words. "Official" can be a scary word, conjures up images of black cars with dark tinted windows, or badges, or interrogation rooms.



My way of doing this when I was dating was a bit different. The handful of long term relationships I've had in the past 10 years since my divorce have all started pretty much the same way including the 7 year one I'm in now. After a few dates, if I saw the potential I'd suggest we focus on each other, rather than dating around. No worrying about the other person being with someone else, whether they're on the dating sites, etc.



Its an easier sell.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:15 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by fred123 View Post
shes not into you.

are u guys exclusive? have u met each others friends? have u got photos together? are u guys on facebook together and have pics on their together?
We're exclusive as far as we've both said we're not dating anyone else, but we haven't had a proper chat about being exclusive so at this point I guess it is somewhat assumed.

By pure strange coincidence I've met her best friend on a night out, but that wasn't planned. We haven't met each others friends yet otherwise but we do have plans in the diary for a us all to meet up in the next couple of weeks for a boozy brunch. She's bringing 1-2 of her friends and coming to meet mine.

We've taken pics together but these aren't online. I don't really use Facebook anymore and don't upload to Insta that often - she's the same, her last 3 posts are yesterday, nov 11 and then June 11th so this doesn't bother me too much and believe me, I've been there.

I think before I do anything drastic I'd like to have a frank chat with her first, but I'm prepared to walk away if necessary

Thanks for the advice as usual everyone, don't know what I'd do without this forum sometimes!
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:32 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by fred123 View Post
are u guys exclusive? have u met each others friends? have u got photos together? are u guys on facebook together and have pics on their together?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we’re not FB official... in fact, I think we’re both still « Single » on our profile. We do not have pictures together and I mighr have 1 or 2 of us in my phone. Yet, we’re together and everything is great. All our friends and family know about each other and we are well integrated into each other’s life.

OP, she might want to continue casually dating before making things official.
I remember when my bf first brought up the subject, I wasn’t ready for the label « relationship » because I was recently out of a long term one. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t into him or keeping my options open (I really wasn’t), I just wanted to be « free » a little while longer.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:35 AM   #9
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I agree with Normm here, what does “official” even mean? I would advice against bringing it up again - just keep doing what you’ve been doing (more or less). Maybe it will work out, maybe it will not.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:37 AM   #10
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a girl who is into you would never say what she said. trust me. 3 months is what my deadline is. a girl who is into you would be excited that u asked. thats what i want to hear from a girl!
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:47 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by TurntSloth1 View Post
We're exclusive as far as we've both said we're not dating anyone else, but we haven't had a proper chat about being exclusive so at this point I guess it is somewhat assumed.
She's keeping her options open.

Just because she wasn't dating anyone else at the time you both talked about how you weren't dating others, doesn't mean that she's not open to meeting others should the right candidate come along.

She's keeping her options open for a reason.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:51 AM   #12
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give it another month and see how things progress.

also in my opinion one of the previous posts about not using the word official as it scares her off is absolutely rieiculous. why people act like women are different and need to be treated like 5 year olds. im sorry of a gilr im dating who is an adult after 3 months gets scred about the word official she shouldnt even be dating or even meeting people. such a ridiculous thing iv heqrd. if that is the case i dont date scaredy cats.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:58 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by SophieG View Post
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we’re not FB official... in fact, I think we’re both still « Single » on our profile. We do not have pictures together and I mighr have 1 or 2 of us in my phone. Yet, we’re together and everything is great. All our friends and family know about each other and we are well integrated into each other’s life.

OP, she might want to continue casually dating before making things official.
I remember when my bf first brought up the subject, I wasn’t ready for the label « relationship » because I was recently out of a long term one. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t into him or keeping my options open (I really wasn’t), I just wanted to be « free » a little while longer.
your bf bought it up after a 2 dates if i recall. bringing it up after 3 months ur reaction and response would be different. so you cant compare.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:03 AM   #14
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Do a little internet research on Avoidant Attachment Style. Might be an issue here.
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Old 13th March 2019, 10:05 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
Do a little internet research on Avoidant Attachment Style. Might be an issue here.
why people make excuses on here?! shes just not that into him!!!!!!!!!w
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