js_77 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 We're dating for a year, last saturday I was with my mom and my family having dinner and after that I would go to my girlfriend's parents house for her dad's birthday party, but I got sick because I took a caffeine pill and got my heart beating too fast and hard, I thought I would die with heart attack. I went to my place to rest and said I wouldn't go to her family gathering because I was feeling sick, she asked me if I wanted her to come over, I said no I don't want to bother because she was with her family (but I thought she would come over anyways). I was so upset and we had a fight that night, I felt like ****, she wasn't loving and caring, like I don't mean nothing for her. I was sick and she was having fun and dancing with her family!? Seriously? But the day after I woke up and still feeling sick, I went to the ER and I got better, after lunch she got an uber and went to my place to stay with me. Now should I forget about that and forgive her or is this a red flag in this relationship? Is this a big deal? I talked to my therapist and she said I was overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 This was a mistake: "she asked me if I wanted her to come over, I said no I don't want to bother because she was with her family (but I thought she would come over anyways)." Be honest and don't set up tests for people. Otherwise, let it go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Well, to me it looks like she does not care about you anywhere near as much as you care about her. She has shown her hand. Play your cards wisely. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 You expected her to stand up her whole family for her dad's birthday because you said you were feeling bad? That's a bit much. She has no way of knowing even if it was just you not wanting to go or if it was just something very minor. I imagine if you'd said, I feel bad, drive me to the ER, she'd have taken you because then she'd know it was something alarming. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 she asked me if I wanted her to come over, I said no I don't want to bother because she was with her family Yes, you are over-reacting. Worse, you seem to be playing games. She offered to come to you and you told her not to. Now you're mad because she listened to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 To me, it sounds like you were just seeing if you could keep her from going over to her family's. Like someone else said, testing her. Childish. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Your therapist is right. 1. If you wanted her to miss the family event to be with you, you should have asked. 2. Don't ask someone to miss an event for you unless you are so sick that you can't look after yourself. 3. Don't fight with someone because they couldn't read your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Your therapist is RIGHT, you were over reacting. Don't say what you don't mean. You attacking her afterwards was abusive. That kind of behavior is called being passive/aggressive. You should talk to your therapist about that. Now you better apologize to your GF for your lack of proper communication, that you realize it's not all about YOU, that she did nothing wrong, that you shouldn't expect her world to revolve around you and to learn to be more mature about things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I talked to my therapist and she said I was overreacting. Smart therapist. I'd keep her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I thought I would die with heart attack. A bit dramatic dontchya think? she asked me if I wanted her to come over, I said no I don't want to bother because she was with her family (but I thought she would come over anyways) This is the definition of passive aggressive behavior. She offers to come over, you tell her not to yet you expect her to. Talk about poor communicative skills. Think for a minute how messed up this is. She's trying to be there for you and you are doing some sort of childish test telling her not to come over yet expecting her to anyway. She's in a lose/lose position and you act like a spoiled child because she followed your instruction. I was so upset and we had a fight that night, I felt like ****, she wasn't loving and caring, like I don't mean nothing for her. I was sick and she was having fun and dancing with her family!? Seriously? You sound really insecure and needy. I'm surprised she stayed with you this long. This sort of behavior gets old- FAST. should I forget about that and forgive her or is this a red flag in this relationship? Dude you're the red flag. Reading all of this I feel bad for your girlfriend. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Yes it's a red flag... for her. Seriously man, you continue to behave like someone far younger than your age. If you wanted her to come over, you should have said as much. As it is, you're upset that she actually listened to you. That's your fault for playing games and not just being direct with what you wanted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Let me get this straight: You told your GF not to come over. She followed the directive you gave her. Now you are pissed at her because she didn't read your mind to know you were LYING to her because you secretly wanted her to come over even though you said the exact opposite?! She is entitled to be furious at you for playing games & testing her. All you can do is learn that if you want something you ask for it. Don't lie to people & then get all annoyed because they didn't do what you didn't tell them you wanted. If you begged her to come over & she blew you off that would be one thing but seriously since you were sick, based on you telling her not to come over she correctly concluded that her presence was not required because you wanted to get some rest &/or were not fit for company. This "problem" is solely of your own making. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 So he told you not to come over, then got mad because you stayed with your family? Hun that's the definition of an abusive relationship. I'd say break up with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 So he told you not to come over, then got mad because you stayed with your family? Hun that's the definition of an abusive relationship. I'd say break up with him. She sure is putting up with a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 you are over reacting js77 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Over reaction, but not much. Truth is if she really cared she would not have ask she would have just come. I wouldn't call it a red flag just yet. However my bet is this will happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 We're dating for a year, last saturday I was with my mom and my family having dinner and after that I would go to my girlfriend's parents house for her dad's birthday party, but I got sick because I took a caffeine pill and got my heart beating too fast and hard, I thought I would die with heart attack. I went to my place to rest and said I wouldn't go to her family gathering because I was feeling sick, she asked me if I wanted her to come over, I said no I don't want to bother because she was with her family (but I thought she would come over anyways). I was so upset and we had a fight that night, I felt like ****, she wasn't loving and caring, like I don't mean nothing for her. I was sick and she was having fun and dancing with her family!? Seriously? But the day after I woke up and still feeling sick, I went to the ER and I got better, after lunch she got an uber and went to my place to stay with me. Now should I forget about that and forgive her or is this a red flag in this relationship? Is this a big deal? I talked to my therapist and she said I was overreacting. Yes, you are over reacting. I would also quit taking pills you don’t need. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Truth is if she really cared she would not have ask she would have just come. Not necessarily. When I am sick I don't want anyone around. I want to be left alone. Showing up on my doorstep after I told you I am sick & to stay away would actually annoy me. Who are you to barge into my house, drag me out of bed to answer the door & expect to be entertained while I am not well? You can't make a blanket statement that this woman is a bad GF to the OP because she did not disregard his specific instructions & impose her will on him when he was ill. Yes, I understand that the OP secretly wanted her to come but that is the essence of this dispute. She followed what he said. It was absolutely not incumbent upon her to do the opposite of what he said. It was incumbent upon him to be clear & state his desires. His failure to communicate truthfully is what caused this. You can't say she doesn't love him enough. She absolutely loved him enough to abide by his stated request. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Or maybe she suspects he likes to try to keep her from seeing her friends and family and has tested her repeatedly in the past to see if she'll choose him over them. Which would be the foundation for abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Or maybe what she really wanted to do was not be there and to go to the event.. my point is if he was important enough to her she would have been there, period, no matter if he said dont come. I didn't say she was a bad girlfriend, heck for all I know it could be a two month old relationship and it may grow into the greatest love story ever told, what I'm saying is in that moment he wasnt her priority, if he were she would have been there, since she wasn't there is nothing to debate Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 When he said not to come, that was her mandate. It's completely unfair of the OP & you to fault her for not dropping her family & coming to him when he expressly told her not to. I fell ill on my honeymoon. I had never really been sick with somebody else around since childhood & even then my parents had to work so I was left alone more then I was coddled. I actually threw my brand new husband out of our hotel room twice because I could not stand him hovering. If he had done as you suggest & stayed with me despite my protests for him to go away I would have felt disrespected, unheard, bullied, & generally unhappy about my fledging marriage. If the OP wanted his GF to come over he should have said so! He lied to her & told her it would be OK not to come. Now he & you want to punish her for respecting his stated wishes. That is sooooooo unfair! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Where did I say punish her. In fact I also said he was overreacting, however its something to watch for. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 You took a caffeine pill and didn't feel well. Not exactly life threatening or a big deal to an outsider's perspective and yet she still offered to come take care of you. I understand you wanted her to insist because you were panicking, but she is not a mind reader and didn't know that. For all she knew you wanted to be on your own. You should apologize for getting mad at her for listening to your wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Where did I say punish her. In fact I also said he was overreacting, however its something to watch for. Read some of his other threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 yes overreacting. um, what about her dad? It was his birthday. It's not all about you. I think you should have let her enjoy the party. When/if you needed to go to the ER is the time to maybe expect her to be with you, which it sounds like she would have done. You can't get mad at her for following what you said was ok as most of the others have stated. You can't act like that much of a baby either that you would need her to miss her dad's party & birthday because you were having a heart palpitation When it reaches critical status like an ER than it's fair to expect her to help you. Also depends on how serious you guys are and how long you have been dating for what you should expect. But also she's not your mom, she's your gf. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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