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Not feeling any sexual attraction


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Old 4th March 2019, 3:22 PM   #1
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Not feeling any sexual attraction

I have been dating somebody for about three months now and I feel that I want to move to the next stage. I love her mind, and I think she is physically attractive, but I don't feel any sexual attraction, we have yet to even kiss. She has repeatedly hinted that she wants a physical relationship and even asked me point blank to sleep with her, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I have only ever had sex twice in my life, and that was with somebody who used to be a stripper and so was used to turning men on. I spent most of my life as an incel before the word was coined, though I was never outwardly bitter like so many of these people now, keeping all my bitterness inside. Since having sex those two times, it feels like I no longer need it, though I know it is necessary, at the very least for reproduction, if not a fulfilling loving relationship.

I really don't know how I can take the next step in my current relationship other than just wait until the time is right. I welcome any thoughts on the above. Thank you.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th March 2019 at 2:07 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs and move to Dating
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Old 4th March 2019, 3:46 PM   #2
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What is it about her appearance that doesn't do it for you? Also why are you dating someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That's a dead end.
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Old 4th March 2019, 4:11 PM   #3
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What is it about her appearance that doesn't do it for you? Also why are you dating someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That's a dead end.
It's not her appearance, it's the energy, emotional and sexual.
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Old 6th March 2019, 8:24 PM   #4
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No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:29 PM   #5
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I second checking your testerone levels.

If it isnít that or some sort of medication, end it and move on. Last thing you need is to be with a girl and enter a sexless relationship. Believe me I had one of those, and we, women, arenít fans of that.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:32 PM   #6
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Well if you're someone who doesn't want to have sex at all. And Presuming your goal isn't to hurt others, you ought to avoid participating in any sexual relationships at all.
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:04 PM   #7
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Leave her alone, and graciously find a way to tell her you are going to stop seeing her.

Sex and sexuality are HUGELY important to people who want that in their lives. It determines life fulfillment and self-esteem on a very deep level. It impacts almost all the rest of a person's world view and emotional health. It is patently unfair and ultimately hurtful of you to tie up her sexual life if you already know you are uninterested.

That's my take on the relationship part.

As for your state,
everyone is different, however, being an 'incel' would seem to me to be a mis-wiring of the mind/body/heart connection indicated by social anxiety and likely induced from the habits of living through social media and/or of watching porn until your libido/heart/body/mind connect sexuality with porn, alone, without human interaction.

This is a VERY DIFFERENT dynamic than human-to-human sexuality. VERRRRY different. Do you watch porn? Or do you spend more time alone on social media than in-person activities with friends/peers/coworkers, etc.? If so I would surmise that is the root of your situation of being oriented as an incel. It would cause your autonomous nervous system to learn to get your social reward endorphins and feeling of love and contentment with a screen and not with a person.

You don't have to change that situation if you don't wish to, but it would be helpful for you to understand you are programming yourself to see and feel the world this way, and therefore with time you could change that if ever you desire. And, to understand that to be empathetic and compassionate to romantic partners you should be aware and let them know somehow that you don't connect typical human closeness with sex or a sexual relationship. If you don't, you can make a woman (any person) really doubt and question their own self-worth by your indifference to their sexuality. This would be cruel, selfish and pointless of you.

Lastly, I am reading a LOT into your short post and reference to yourself as and incel or former incel. If I'm really off, I mean no offense and hope you will realize you know yourself better than I know you.

Best Wishes
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Old 19th March 2019, 1:56 PM   #8
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It's not her appearance, it's the energy, emotional and sexual.
I would stop seeing her and trying to force attraction if I were you. There is nothing wrong with you it's just that not everyone of the opposite sex is someone you want to bone. It's normal; but not normal to continue seeing them.
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Old 19th March 2019, 1:58 PM   #9
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No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.
Why does his testosterone have to be low because he doesn't want sex with a particular woman? Why can't it be as simple as she just doesn't turn him on sexually?
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Old 19th March 2019, 2:37 PM   #10
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No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.
Good grief. Way to kill a fly with a shovel.

OP, nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes we just aren't sexually attracted to people we wish we were sexually attracted to. If it was that easy, all of us would have happy and satisfying sex lives. Keep looking.

You can't force sexual chemistry, trust me, I've tried. I dated a man for two years because he was **perfect** and I still think about him all the time. Best bf I've ever had...but no matter how hard I tried, I cringed everytime we had sex. I wanted so badly for things to work out, but when I started showering immediately after sex and scrubbing myself to get rid of his smell, I realized that no, sexually chemistry cannot be "worked on". Save yourself the trouble.

Last edited by Hopeful30; 19th March 2019 at 2:43 PM..
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Old 19th March 2019, 3:22 PM   #11
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OP is it possible you are Asexual?
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Old 19th March 2019, 5:20 PM   #12
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Why does his testosterone have to be low because he doesn't want sex with a particular woman? Why can't it be as simple as she just doesn't turn him on sexually?
I was about to write the same thing.

You're not going to be sexually attracted to every physically attractive person, OP. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you. There's something about sexual chemistry between two people that often just can't be pinpointed, but it's either there or it isn't.

Or, as Smackie suggests, it might simply be that you are asexual.

In any event, I don't think I would proceed with this particular woman. You aren't feeling it, and haven't so much as kissed. She obvioulsy wants more. Your feelings about each other and expectations of intimacy are going to make a romantic relationship just about impossible.
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Old 19th March 2019, 5:53 PM   #13
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l don't see any point in literally manufacturing a sexual drive with whatever tests and pick me ups if you don't even actually care about it anyway.
Some people just don't and as a matter of fact relationships would in many ways actually be a lot easier and simpler without it truth be known, long term anyway, even as this now is going to turn into a big problem between you two now for example.

But sadly yours isn't one those so your in a very tricky spot if you love her.
l'm not suggesting it won't but it is gonna be hard to work this out but if it doesn't , l'd try and find the same likewise in a new partner from there on in the future , they are around.


PS , does anyone else make you feel sexual at all , ever ? that's the key in this for you because if not then you just are what you are. One of my daughters friends has absolutely zero, it's just the way she's always been.

Last edited by chillii; 19th March 2019 at 6:00 PM..
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Old 19th March 2019, 10:58 PM   #14
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Good grief. Way to kill a fly with a shovel.
Only had sex twice, with a stripper, and otherwise living as an incel. That's no fly. If OP makes sure he is okay first, it'll make for healthy sexual relationships in the future. Knowing you have a T problem, a bad thyroid, or psychological issues to overcome is no shovel.
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Old 20th March 2019, 2:39 AM   #15
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Given your mental health conditions listed in this thread , I'm guessing that you take psych meds. If I would strongly suggest discussing potential sexual side effects with your psychiatrist.
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