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Not feeling any sexual attraction


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I have been dating somebody for about three months now and I feel that I want to move to the next stage. I love her mind, and I think she is physically attractive, but I don't feel any sexual attraction, we have yet to even kiss. She has repeatedly hinted that she wants a physical relationship and even asked me point blank to sleep with her, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

 

I have only ever had sex twice in my life, and that was with somebody who used to be a stripper and so was used to turning men on. I spent most of my life as an incel before the word was coined, though I was never outwardly bitter like so many of these people now, keeping all my bitterness inside. Since having sex those two times, it feels like I no longer need it, though I know it is necessary, at the very least for reproduction, if not a fulfilling loving relationship.

 

I really don't know how I can take the next step in my current relationship other than just wait until the time is right. I welcome any thoughts on the above. Thank you.

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What is it about her appearance that doesn't do it for you? Also why are you dating someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That's a dead end.

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What is it about her appearance that doesn't do it for you? Also why are you dating someone you aren't sexually attracted to? That's a dead end.

It's not her appearance, it's the energy, emotional and sexual.

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emeraldgreen

No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

 

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.

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I second checking your testerone levels.

 

If it isn’t that or some sort of medication, end it and move on. Last thing you need is to be with a girl and enter a sexless relationship. Believe me I had one of those, and we, women, aren’t fans of that.

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Well if you're someone who doesn't want to have sex at all. And Presuming your goal isn't to hurt others, you ought to avoid participating in any sexual relationships at all.

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Leave her alone, and graciously find a way to tell her you are going to stop seeing her.

 

Sex and sexuality are HUGELY important to people who want that in their lives. It determines life fulfillment and self-esteem on a very deep level. It impacts almost all the rest of a person's world view and emotional health. It is patently unfair and ultimately hurtful of you to tie up her sexual life if you already know you are uninterested.

 

That's my take on the relationship part.

 

As for your state,

everyone is different, however, being an 'incel' would seem to me to be a mis-wiring of the mind/body/heart connection indicated by social anxiety and likely induced from the habits of living through social media and/or of watching porn until your libido/heart/body/mind connect sexuality with porn, alone, without human interaction.

 

This is a VERY DIFFERENT dynamic than human-to-human sexuality. VERRRRY different. Do you watch porn? Or do you spend more time alone on social media than in-person activities with friends/peers/coworkers, etc.? If so I would surmise that is the root of your situation of being oriented as an incel. It would cause your autonomous nervous system to learn to get your social reward endorphins and feeling of love and contentment with a screen and not with a person.

 

You don't have to change that situation if you don't wish to, but it would be helpful for you to understand you are programming yourself to see and feel the world this way, and therefore with time you could change that if ever you desire. And, to understand that to be empathetic and compassionate to romantic partners you should be aware and let them know somehow that you don't connect typical human closeness with sex or a sexual relationship. If you don't, you can make a woman (any person) really doubt and question their own self-worth by your indifference to their sexuality. This would be cruel, selfish and pointless of you.

 

Lastly, I am reading a LOT into your short post and reference to yourself as and incel or former incel. If I'm really off, I mean no offense and hope you will realize you know yourself better than I know you.

 

Best Wishes

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It's not her appearance, it's the energy, emotional and sexual.

 

I would stop seeing her and trying to force attraction if I were you. There is nothing wrong with you it's just that not everyone of the opposite sex is someone you want to bone. It's normal; but not normal to continue seeing them.

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No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

 

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.

 

Why does his testosterone have to be low because he doesn't want sex with a particular woman? Why can't it be as simple as she just doesn't turn him on sexually?

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No offence, but it sounds like your testosterone is down. I mean, the chemistry for this girl might not be there, but in general, you should be wanting to pursue women sexually as much as love and companionship as well.

 

Are you on antidepressants? Have you spoken to your doctor about this stuff? The time won't be right if you're not right.

 

Good grief. Way to kill a fly with a shovel.

 

OP, nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes we just aren't sexually attracted to people we wish we were sexually attracted to. If it was that easy, all of us would have happy and satisfying sex lives. Keep looking.

 

You can't force sexual chemistry, trust me, I've tried. I dated a man for two years because he was **perfect** and I still think about him all the time. Best bf I've ever had...but no matter how hard I tried, I cringed everytime we had sex. I wanted so badly for things to work out, but when I started showering immediately after sex and scrubbing myself to get rid of his smell, I realized that no, sexually chemistry cannot be "worked on". Save yourself the trouble.

Edited by Hopeful30
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ExpatInItaly
Why does his testosterone have to be low because he doesn't want sex with a particular woman? Why can't it be as simple as she just doesn't turn him on sexually?

 

I was about to write the same thing.

 

You're not going to be sexually attracted to every physically attractive person, OP. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you. There's something about sexual chemistry between two people that often just can't be pinpointed, but it's either there or it isn't.

 

Or, as Smackie suggests, it might simply be that you are asexual.

 

In any event, I don't think I would proceed with this particular woman. You aren't feeling it, and haven't so much as kissed. She obvioulsy wants more. Your feelings about each other and expectations of intimacy are going to make a romantic relationship just about impossible.

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l don't see any point in literally manufacturing a sexual drive with whatever tests and pick me ups if you don't even actually care about it anyway.

Some people just don't and as a matter of fact relationships would in many ways actually be a lot easier and simpler without it truth be known, long term anyway, even as this now is going to turn into a big problem between you two now for example.

 

But sadly yours isn't one those so your in a very tricky spot if you love her.

l'm not suggesting it won't but it is gonna be hard to work this out but if it doesn't , l'd try and find the same likewise in a new partner from there on in the future , they are around.

 

 

PS , does anyone else make you feel sexual at all , ever ? that's the key in this for you because if not then you just are what you are. One of my daughters friends has absolutely zero, it's just the way she's always been.

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emeraldgreen
Good grief. Way to kill a fly with a shovel.

 

Only had sex twice, with a stripper, and otherwise living as an incel. That's no fly. If OP makes sure he is okay first, it'll make for healthy sexual relationships in the future. Knowing you have a T problem, a bad thyroid, or psychological issues to overcome is no shovel.

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Given your mental health conditions listed in this thread , I'm guessing that you take psych meds. If I would strongly suggest discussing potential sexual side effects with your psychiatrist.

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Leave her alone, and graciously find a way to tell her you are going to stop seeing her.

 

Sex and sexuality are HUGELY important to people who want that in their lives. It determines life fulfillment and self-esteem on a very deep level. It impacts almost all the rest of a person's world view and emotional health. It is patently unfair and ultimately hurtful of you to tie up her sexual life if you already know you are uninterested.

 

That's my take on the relationship part.

 

As for your state,

everyone is different, however, being an 'incel' would seem to me to be a mis-wiring of the mind/body/heart connection indicated by social anxiety and likely induced from the habits of living through social media and/or of watching porn until your libido/heart/body/mind connect sexuality with porn, alone, without human interaction.

 

This is a VERY DIFFERENT dynamic than human-to-human sexuality. VERRRRY different. Do you watch porn? Or do you spend more time alone on social media than in-person activities with friends/peers/coworkers, etc.? If so I would surmise that is the root of your situation of being oriented as an incel. It would cause your autonomous nervous system to learn to get your social reward endorphins and feeling of love and contentment with a screen and not with a person.

 

You don't have to change that situation if you don't wish to, but it would be helpful for you to understand you are programming yourself to see and feel the world this way, and therefore with time you could change that if ever you desire. And, to understand that to be empathetic and compassionate to romantic partners you should be aware and let them know somehow that you don't connect typical human closeness with sex or a sexual relationship. If you don't, you can make a woman (any person) really doubt and question their own self-worth by your indifference to their sexuality. This would be cruel, selfish and pointless of you.

 

Lastly, I am reading a LOT into your short post and reference to yourself as and incel or former incel. If I'm really off, I mean no offense and hope you will realize you know yourself better than I know you.

 

Best Wishes

Porn has been a problem for me for many years, but isn't anymore. However you are right, it has messed up my wiring. Indeed even stopping it caused me a lot of neurosis, counting days for years and years and constantly relapsing. In truth I wasn't even a habitual user, because I spent so much time trying to stop and managed months at a time without it. But this made me even more neurotic about it than perhaps a regular guy who simply indulged quite regularly for release without worrying about shame or guilt. Even though I no longer search for porn, I still need to rewire myself quite a lot, and this relationship has been good for that to some extent.

 

I don't spend anytime on mainstream social media like facebook or the like, largely because of my mental health problems, but do often use forums. I think you are right that this is also a contributing factor to my inability to form real life sexual relationships easily.

 

Over the last few years, since having my first girlfriend at the age of thirty three, I have gotten much better at expressing my feelings in texts, and this is what has sustained the romantic and sexual side of our relationship so far.

 

Since asking for advice here, I had a good talk on the phone with the woman I have been seeing, asking her about sexual chemistry and whether she thought I was just stringing her along, which she said she did kind of. However she said she didn't have a boyfriend, and was still very much interested in me, just frustrated, but thought we were very compatible and good for one another. She also has mental health problems, though she prefers to say she doesn't in order to put a positive spin on things. For her it is more like she views life as a struggle with certain issues that she is dealing with.

 

Towards the end of the conversation I started to feel aroused for perhaps the first time when talking to her. But I didn't feel able to have a sexual conversation with her (phone sex), nor want to, because it seems kind of dirty to me, although I do often text sexual things, so I suppose I shouldn't be so prudish.

 

In this age of technology, the phone and internet really do separate us from natural relationships, and I don't know whether I have to work through these separations first, building up to a natural relationship, or try and avoid technology altogether and spend more time face to face with women.

 

I am usually, unless suffering from psychotic relapse, very good face to face with men. But with women I am always terrified of the sexual difference, so unless the conversation is very intellectual without any innuendo or feeling I tend to run away.

 

I don't know where my shame about porn came from, having been brought up without any religion whatsoever, but I did have a lot of politics, and perhaps, because porn is so exploitative, both of the performers and users, that is why I felt shame. Having stopped, I have largely forgiven myself, and am becoming more and more able to talk about it.

 

I'm still not sure if this woman is the right one for me, but she ended the conversation by saying she hoped I felt more optimistic about our relationship now, so I think I will stick at it and see where it leads.

 

Thank you.

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So posting about my neurotic experience with porn addiction has brought up the traumas of my old habit. I have been nine months clean. For about half that time I've been seeing the lady I mentioned on and off without any physical intimacy, but a lot of verbal intimacy, mostly through texts.

 

Many adults view porn and have real sex lives. Porn addiction or maybe neurosis about viewing porn, was one of the contributing factors to the start of my schizophrenia when I was twenty one, and it is this condition that is to blame for me having next to no sexual experience with a real woman.

 

I really don't know where to begin disentangling the porn addiction from the schizophrenia from the lack of sexual intimacy with women.

 

I don't really want to talk any more about my previous porn addiction. That is over now and has been for nine months or so. I don't think it is relevant to analyse cause and effect here.

 

What I do want is to move forward with my relationship. I'm not sure if words can help. I think time is the greatest healer of all. Thank you.

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