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Do I have unrealistic expectations or if he’s just not that into me


allofme

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I have talked to my friends and posted this on a different site. Got some very different but yet interesting response. Would be good to hear what people think here.

 

Went on a date with someone a couple of days ago. He asked me during the date when he could see me again. I said I dunno you tell me. He said “Well my work schedule is more flexible than yours”. I didn’t say anything back. When we said goodbye he said again he wants to see me again (I actually don’t remember what I said in return. I was very tired). The next day I texted him trying to make small talk (I’m not the “last night was fun” kinda person but in hindsight I should’ve probably said it). We exchanged a couple of texts and maybe I ended the convo really abruptly without asking his day (since he just said he was having a hangover too and hope I enjoy dancing with the girls) I just ended by saying enjoy your day. Then today, nothing from him.

 

 

So I have now been told by other posters that I appear uninterested and playing games, even tho I did message him the next day. And that some guys would just not be bothered with me. When I said he could’ve still texted me to talk if he was truly interested and I don’t feel that it should’ve stopped a truly interested guy, I was told my expectations were out of whack.

 

On the other hand, my girlfriends told me I should just sit back and relax. If he is interested he should ask me out again (even tho he did previously ask when he can see me again). And that I shouldn’t have to start asking a guy out so early into dating.

 

I’m just so confused now. I know I’ll end up asking him to go out if he doesn’t. I’m just interested to know what your opinion is.

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Versacehottie

The tone of your messages (and the things you say you 'do' regularly) would give the impression that you are apathetic. About your life, about dating him, about him, perhaps a dull or boring person. The texts and date sounded uninspired really. idk, i don't think sitting back on your heels is going to work on this one. maybe nothing will. You only get one chance to make a impression. And in the beginning he would be forming an opinion of you so the whole thing is more fragile.

 

Why wouldn't you thank someone who took you for a nice evening? That's a silly rule to not do that. Surely you can find some way that's your style to show and express your appreciation and enthusiasm for a nice date and evening spent together. Otherwise, i think this will be a reoccurring problem. Good luck

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Quite franklyThe date was actually really good and I had a lot of fun. I could tell he did too that’s why he asked when he could see me again. Im just not a fan of the whole “it was nice to meet you I had a lovely time” since it felt way too formal to me.

Edited by allofme
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Well, you were unwilling to set a date when he asked you and just let the subject drop, so I imagine he's wondering if you even want one. What was that all about? He was trying to be considerate. Why didn't you say "Wednesday or Thursday is good for me?" Why'd you act weird about it?

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Versacehottie

If the date was very fun, your reaction afterward IN SOME WAY (your way, lots of people aren't overly formal & if you just spent a nice night together you should have some insight into how to talk to him in what has become your own conversational style with each other) should reflect that. Failing to say thanks for the evening in some way (gosh are people so bad at communicating and into themselves that they can't be bothered to figure that out?) could be a deal breaker for him or also give him the impression that you weren't that into it.

 

I'd definitely say the texting the next day sounded dull. Maybe that was his way of acting like he just wasn't that into you, OR it's equally likely that your lack of enthusiasm got him believing that you are a boring person or there is not much chemistry between you two. Transferring the way you were communicating to his opinion of you. This, of course, is a guess of what is going on based on what you said here. it was a first date though so lots of those don't work out for a variety of reasons and it hasn't been that long so there is always a chance. If i was a betting person though, you should seize on the momentum in some way which isn't happening so that usually doesn't look that good for the outcome of future dates or a relationship.

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Well, you were unwilling to set a date when he asked you and just let the subject drop, so I imagine he's wondering if you even want one. What was that all about? He was trying to be considerate. Why didn't you say "Wednesday or Thursday is good for me?" Why'd you act weird about it?

 

I was pretty tired already and I didn’t think he was expecting me to give him a specific day right then and there.

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Versacehottie
I have talked to my friends and posted this on a different site. Got some very different but yet interesting response. Would be good to hear what people think here.

 

Went on a date with someone a couple of days ago. He asked me during the date when he could see me again. I said I dunno you tell me. He said “Well my work schedule is more flexible than yours”. I didn’t say anything back. When we said goodbye he said again he wants to see me again (I actually don’t remember what I said in return. I was very tired). The next day I texted him trying to make small talk (I’m not the “last night was fun” kinda person but in hindsight I should’ve probably said it). We exchanged a couple of texts and maybe I ended the convo really abruptly without asking his day (since he just said he was having a hangover too and hope I enjoy dancing with the girls) I just ended by saying enjoy your day. Then today, nothing from him.

 

 

 

All the bolded parts would have you appearing as a boring or uninterested person. Tone is apathetic. A decent amount of people can make the date fun or seem like it's going well because they are there and tend to make the best of the situation they are in, doesn't mean they will not form an opinion of you that is negative or perceive that there is not enough chemistry to want to continue. Did he text you every day BEFORE the date? If so, i think the change in how he is communicating now says a lot.

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I actually thought about sending him some pictures I took of the art pieces in this art gallery we walked past but I went for small talks instead cos I didn’t want to come across as too full on. I didn’t mean to sound unenthusiastic.

 

At this point, I’m not sure if I’m suitable for dating anymore :(

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Well, I think I’ll just shoot him a message either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow to meet up. I guess I’ll have my answer then.

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Versacehottie
I actually thought about sending him some pictures I took of the art pieces in this art gallery we walked past but I went for small talks instead cos I didn’t want to come across as too full on. I didn’t mean to sound unenthusiastic.

 

At this point, I’m not sure if I’m suitable for dating anymore :(

 

Ahhh sh*t, well it's funny because you so worried about acting formal and whatever your personal things are (i'm too tired, i didn't expect that he wanted me to say a date right then and there, i don't say thanks for the evening stuff/issues) that you end up seeming closed off and reserved? Ironic, isn't it?

 

Take a chance you have nothing to lose at this point. If he's a decent guy who's into you, he's not going to be so judgmental that he won't welcome the art photos. You will be making an attempt to continue the connection you spoke about on the date and continue momentum. If he had decided on the date or since that he's not into you, you probably won't hear from him again anyway so it's not a big deal to try. I'd guess that he has SOME level of interest since he tried twice to set the next date and is probably sitting there confused and on the fence about you. Not totally gung ho but less ready to pull the plug (guys are typically less judgmental, i think). You really have nothing to lose. Try thinking about him like a friend so you can be yourself and more open. Stop worrying about anything past today. But do your BEST today.

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From how you described it, you sounded like you were playing hard to get and also careless..kinda cold..uninterested. I always thank the guy after a date wether its right when i get home or the next morning to just thank them. Even if i didnt feel a chemistry between us..its just me being polite. But were all different.

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You already sounded apathetic on your next day texts and by dodging the next date question. Instead of keeping confusing the guy with pics of art pieces, it’s time to be more direct - I’d say something like - regarding your question of when a second date works for me I’m available this week on Tuesday and Thursday, take the opportunity to retify you really enjoyed the date and would love to see him / hang out again.

 

Be more direct. Dating is confusing enough. Men are not mind readers. Your friends mean you shouldn’t be chasing after a man, but you have to course correct what went wrong as it was on you this time. Good luck!

 

I actually thought about sending him some pictures I took of the art pieces in this art gallery we walked past but I went for small talks instead cos I didn’t want to come across as too full on. I didn’t mean to sound unenthusiastic.

 

At this point, I’m not sure if I’m suitable for dating anymore :(

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I was pretty tired already and I didn’t think he was expecting me to give him a specific day right then and there.

 

Yes, he was!

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lt's not about saying all the parrot bs all over the internet, pretty boring predictable crap. God only knows wth we must've said back when we'd usually just end up blabbing away.

lt did just sound very flat though on both sides not only yours and yeah you didn't sound enthusiastic but then neither did he.

Sometimes you can have a good time with someone but then that's that, thinking this might've been one of those.

But eh, maybe not you might hear from him again feeling a bit more spritely.

l don't see you dodged some date thing though it was only what next day or morning and he didn't mention one either.

l'd say let it ride see if you hear from him, if he feels keen at all a bit of a quiet chat one off won't deter him.

Edited by chillii
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Trail Blazer

What was this guy like? Was he the kind of guy that would easily find other dates? Was he the kind of guy who would easily win girls over and have them ask, or at the very least agree to have a second date with him?

 

The question you've asked isn't black and white. The answer could be a little from column A and a little from column B. Think of the answer not in terms of absolutes, but rather a sliding scale relative to his Sexual Marketplace Value (SMV).

 

Behaving indifferently to someone asking you a direct question about whether you'd like to go on a second date with them is fraught with danger if you would really like to go on a second date with them.

 

You say you were tired, but really, that's a cop out. It would have taken little to no additional effort to give him more assurance that he's not going to be rejected if he asks you, for the second time, if you'd like to go on a date with him. You're doing yourself a disservice by behaving apathetically to a man who's displayed keen interest in advancing the relationship.

 

In my opinion, this man has come to the conclusion that pursuing you any further at this point would be a fool's errand. This man has examined the facts at hand and logically deduced that it is your indifference to his further advances that confirms, in his mind at least, that you're not worth pursuing further and is perhaps saving himself from potential rejection.

 

At this point in time, with very few facts to go on with, it's my surmation that your expectations are extremely unrealistic. Men want to see women who display characteristics of openess, warmth and intuitiveness. For any guy who's dated a woman who's gone cold or pulled away after a period of time into the relationship, your behavior is waving some serious red flags. If you can't even pull that off on the first date, he's going to be seriously skeptical of a relationship with you moving forward.

 

This guy may still decide to reach out to you. Like I said, his SMV will likely determine just how he chooses to go from here. I'd wager a bet that if was the kind of guy to have to ask twice after a first date, he's someone who exudes a sliver of desperation. Women can generally smell desperation a mile off, and it's rarely a turn on.

 

Suppose this guy had continued to pursue you, there's the very real potential that in this instance, his behavior could have been perceived as desperation. You could have very easily changed your tune on a dime and be telling your girlfriends that this guy is a desperate cuck and his expectations are unrealistic because it's he who thinks he's still got a chance with a woman who so obviously isn't all that into him. So, it is more than likely he's just hedging his bets and waiting for your next move.

 

Sorry, I don't mean for this to come across as a character assasination, because I have no idea who you are as a person. You may be lovely and possess all the capabilities of being a great partner for the right man. However, you seem quite green and a little ignorant. First dates are about being and displaying the best version of yourself. If you failed to execute the best version of yourself then you sold yourself short. Nail it, though, and you'll maximize your chances of success with every date.

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what's the problem if you know you're going to ask him out no matter what he does?

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introverted1

OP, the guy asked you for a second date... TWICE... and both times you dodged. He has no doubt concluded that you are not interested, and it would take a lot of persistence/bravery to ask a third time.

 

If you are interested, I suggest you reach out and and something like - how about Thursday for our second date?

 

And if you're not interested, just let it die.

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Versacehottie
If you failed to execute the best version of yourself then you sold yourself short. Nail it, though, and you'll maximize your chances of success with every date.

 

Which is exactly what he might have done to convince his date that he's a good catch and that he has the power of choice. You should always present the best version of yourself.

 

"yes i'd love to go out with you again, let me check me check my work schedule and let you know what days i'm free tomorrow". Unless you failed to utter another word the rest of the night, that requires no more effort than whatever you did say. BTW, i said that quote really formally. That's so you get the gist. I don't talk like that either. Point being that you can speak casually and conversationally in your style as well as long as the message that you agree & would love to see him again gets across.

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OP, the guy asked you for a second date... TWICE... and both times you dodged. He has no doubt concluded that you are not interested, and it would take a lot of persistence/bravery to ask a third time.

 

If you are interested, I suggest you reach out and and something like - how about Thursday for our second date?

 

And if you're not interested, just let it die.

 

she's interested

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Well if he was super interested he would not lose interest that easily. So just initiate a date with him and if he says yes, good. If he says no, just know it's not something you have done, he just wasn't into you

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Curiousroxy86

If a guy asks me "when can I see you again" I would simply tell him when I'm free.

 

So many different perspectives in dating. You say you think he shouldn't be so easily deterred while he probably thinks your uninterested because it really was a simple question that should have been a simple answer. And many adults who date would think "ain't got time for that".

 

Both of you are not wrong for feeling the way you may feel but we all have to find our balance of whether are habits unecessarily push away potentials or is our habits necessary in our eyes to the point that we are okay with some not responding favorably and not being afraid to lose some potentials to be unapologetically polarizing because the idea is "the right person for me will stick".

 

I personally believe in letting men initiate/pursue but I do prefer to respond in a way that is more direct in showing a guy that im interested and not about games and that I welcome his advances and will reciprocate my affections. Not saying you are about games....but your response really could have been misinterpreted as such. I Reward guys who pursue with direct interest. I don't believe in hot and cold towards guys who clearly show they want to date you. Or trying to get him to chase more when he is already "chasing". Again not saying that was your intention by the way. I do believe in showing indifference or out right ignoring ones who flake or disrespectful.

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I'veseenbetterlol

 

 

On the other hand, my girlfriends told me I should just sit back and relax. If he is interested he should ask me out again (even tho he did previously ask when he can see me again). And that I shouldn’t have to start asking a guy out so early into dating.

I’m just so confused now. I know I’ll end up asking him to go out if he doesn’t. I’m just interested to know what your opinion is.

 

He already asked you out once and you gave him a vague answer. Most normal people who aren't creeps aren't going to bug the other person for a date if they get turned down the 1st time. Text him a time you are free and see what happens.

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So this morning before I got to text him, he messaged me asking about my weekend and that he hopes to catch up soon. So I told him I’m just outside of the city doing a little day trip and asked about his weekend. I also said we should do something soon and gave him my availability. Well, 8 hours gone by and no reply. He had been online on Facebook messanger multiple times throughout the day so it wasn’t like he was too busy to reply.

 

I’m not sure if its my expectation again or that he’s either not interested / just giving me enough attention to hold onto me or if he’s trying to play the texting game. I never met anyone who would purposefully not reply to me and was actually interested.

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Wallysbears

You told him you were on a day trip. He’s being respectful and not blowing up your phone

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I would hardly call a couple of messages blowing up my phone. To me it just sounds like “not interested in making this a convo or talking but want to keep her interested”

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