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I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment


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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:26 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Yes.

Again yes.

The gf is "hot", Trail Blazer has said he is punching above his weight, and the sex at the start was fantastic and frequent.
Now she is not so enthusiastic to see him, she is tired due to other commitments(child) and issues(bereavement), and the sex is infrequent.

He would dump her, but he does not think he will manage to get someone equal in "hotness", so he is making the best of a bad job, BUT if it is possible to "fix" her it would be a dream come true...
He then gets the woman he wants.

Other thread
Yeah I saw that thread and that is partly what has informed my responses in this thread so far. I had a lot of sympathy for OP's tribulations previously, and I still do, but that thread about how attractive he finds his gf to be has shifted the focus a bit from "my gf is not pulling her weight in the relationship" to "I know things are bad but I'm not quitting because she's hot and I won't find anyone else that hot". Thus it has now become less about OP not getting his needs met, elsewhere if need be and more about fixing things at all costs when no-one knows what she really thinks or if she sees a problem.

I think it speaks to some confidence issues with the OP also that he would have such a fearful mindset about his prospects were he to move on and that isn't helping. I'm reminded of Robert De Niro's line in Heat about a man being able to leave everything in his life at the drop of a hat. A bit extreme, but you get my point.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:44 AM   #62
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In a disposable world, I like to be someone who still sees value in something when others may just simply move on to the next thing. I am somewhat dissatisfied with my relationship a lot of the time. I guess the way I look at it is that as long as it's not having a negative impact on me (apart from being a bit frustrated at times I am coping just fine) then if I have the mental reserves to withstand some rough waters, I'll try to navigate through and hope we can reach calmer waters together. If the ship ever starts really sinking, then I'll know it's time to jump.
What are the rough waters? Mutual dissatisfaction or your dissatisfaction?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:51 AM   #63
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It's funny you say that, some_username. After reflecting for a couple of days of no contact, I asked my girlfriend if she was available to talk. This was yesterday afternoon, to which she agreed. So, I was over at her house last night, after she had put her boy to bed and we spoke for about an hour.

Now, before I decided to go over, I had been feeling like things really are a bit of a lost cause. After unhealthily binging on a few red pill YouTube videos for the first time ever, it certainly painted a grim picture of things, even after you push some of the exceedingly OTT misogyny to one side.

I'm not going to say that watching these videos brought about "lightbulb moments", but they certainly made me consider some harsh realities which some of you guys had already been advocating for on some of my previous threads.

I won't get into much detail about how the conversation went down, other than to say that the conversation was respectful. Neither of us are angry people at all, so we calmly discussed, or merely scratched the surface if you will, on some of her issues. Now I say her issues, because I didn't actually raise any of my own issues in that particular conversation.

When we first sat down at the dining table and I took my first sip of coffee, I told my girlfriend that I know we have a lot of issues to work through and that we're only going to be able to do that through effective communication. I went on to say that while I have a few grievances and many observations, it was more important for me to hear her point of view, understand what's bothering her instead of firing all of my observations at her and only getting responses.

An air of calmness seemed to go over my girlfriend and she seemed quite relaxed as she told me what was bothering her.

Last night was about listening to understand, and understand only. The time to reply was not last nighg.
And, while I am certainly a little clearer on
the degree to which things I'd suspected were bothering her were actually bothering her, it's her reactions to those things which seems peversely illogical. The words came out of her mouth, but the actions still make little sense.

I am fast approaching the point where I think that any further attempt to rectify the relationship is futile. At this point in time, it would appear that all hope is lost.

I plan to chat again in a few day's time. I am carefully considering my responses to her, as I intend to this time address the issues she's raised, as well as put into perspective how her behavior has affected me.

This girl seems very insular, passively reactive and not very empathetic at all. She's emotionally immature and displays a strong propensity to retreat to a mental safe space when things arise that she can't process. She puts up walls at a moment's notice and shuts out the things, people or situations which cause her any kind of stress. Or, at least, that's what I can surmise if all that she's told me is indeed correct.

My honest view, my gut instinct, is that she's just not attracted to me any more and she's been letting me down gently for months. It feels as if, at one fleeting moment l, she decided that she couldn't see me as the father of the child she wants to have, as the stepfather to her child and, the most important part, her life partner and lover.

So, when we next meet up to chat, I plan to take her to task by highlighting all of the inconsistencies of her story. I plan to let her know in a calm and solemn way, that her management of the issues she has are counter-intuitive to resolution discourse and the building walls, going cold and pulling away are actually toxic.

I was fooled by the sweet, softly spoken voice and pretty little face into thinking she was a very kind, caring and trustworthy person. I actually think that she is still all that in various forms, but to me, it ended when whatever issues she has took over her ability to effectively communicate with me. Those issues, whatever they are, are seemingly insurmountable.

If we break up, which I think is only inevitable, I can only thank my lucky stars that she started behaving like this now, and not in 5 years where she may have had a ring on her finger, a bun in the oven and a roof over head provided by yours truly.

If we do indeed break up, I'm chalking this down to experience and preparing myself very differently for when I ever decide to throw my hat in the dating ring again. My eyes are open to just how fickle people can be and how they can so easily flip flop being how they feel about someone.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:00 AM   #64
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OK loads of what you surmise, what your interpretation is, your assumptions, your gut instinct, some digs about her character and a lot of catastrophizing here, but what did she actually say?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:02 AM   #65
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So, when we next meet up to chat, I plan to take her to task by highlighting all of the inconsistencies of her story.
Why would you need to do this? If you have decided that it’s not working for you and you plan to break up with this woman... why not take the high road and just tell her that you believe you are incompatible and that the relationship has run it’s couse? Her problems are her problems, not yours.

Respectfully, who are you to tell her what her issues are and “take this woman to task.” Your attitude comes across as very arrogant, condescending, and entitled. If a man ever did this to me, I would be gone before you even finished your sentence...
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:12 AM   #66
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That conversation was not in good faith. It was a set up to get her to tell you her thoughts and feelings so you can reject them then take her to task, all done after watching red pill stuff to fire you up. For mercy sake, end it.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:16 AM   #67
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Yes.

Again yes.

The gf is "hot", Trail Blazer has said he is punching above his weight, and the sex at the start was fantastic and frequent.
Now she is not so enthusiastic to see him, she is tired due to other commitments(child) and issues(bereavement), and the sex is infrequent.

He would dump her, but he does not think he will manage to get someone equal in "hotness", so he is making the best of a bad job, BUT if it is possible to "fix" her it would be a dream come true...
He then gets the woman he wants.

Other thread
I may have somewhat overstated how much I am punching above my weight. It's not as though I'm a short, balding man with a pronounced dad body. I am very fit, work out and would consider myself somewhat attractive. I mean, if I wasn't I wouldn't have attracted her in the first place.

Sure, put my next to, say, Chris Hemsworth and I'd fall exceedingly short (literally and metaphorically speaking), but then, so too would almost every guy. But, I digress... my point is that I don't fear my ability to attract another decent looking woman. As good looking as her? Well, that's hard to say. Looks are always subjective. So, while I wouldn't sit here saying she's the hottest girl that ever graced this earth, she may as well me in my eyes. She's just got a thing about her that gets me pumping like no girl has before.

It's a dangerous situation when someone has a hold over you like this. For someone who prides himself on being logical and rational, it's hard knowing I'm a slave to my base drive - to pair bond with someone who's genes just scream out to me, "I was my baby inside of you!"

I am learning. I'm learning to let go. I'm rationalizing where it went wrong. It is a rebound relationship and I fell in the arms of a much more attractive, younger woman than my wife who was providing me with the best sex I've ever had in abundant quantities. Having a very high sex drive constantly challenges my inhibitions and a somewhat slave to my penis. I'm the poster boy for that saying, "men thibk with their d@*ks." I am trying to change, though.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:18 AM   #68
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That conversation was not in good faith. It was a set up to get her to tell you her thoughts and feelings so you can reject them then take her to task, all done after watching red pill stuff to fire you up. For mercy sake, end it.
Exactly.

It’s manipulative, and weak. Just make a decision. Call it a day, but do it with kindness, allowing both partners to save face and move on with dignity.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:20 AM   #69
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OK loads of what you surmise, what your interpretation is, your assumptions, your gut instinct, some digs about her character and a lot of catastrophizing here, but what did she actually say?
She thinks I have too much baggage from my previous marriage and we're at different stages which is preventing us from moving forward.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:23 AM   #70
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She thinks I have too much baggage from my previous marriage and we're at different stages which is preventing us from moving forward.
Probably very true.

Also, you are a slave to your penis, and she doesn’t have the time or the patience for that anymore...
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:26 AM   #71
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She thinks I have too much baggage from my previous marriage and we're at different stages which is preventing us from moving forward.
She may have a good point. No?
You leapt into this relationship straight from your marriage.
As seen on the "wedding thread" your ex is still occupying a big part of your attention which is not really surprising in the circumstances.
You never processed properly the ending of your marriage.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:28 AM   #72
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Also, you are a slave to your penis..
^^^That too.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:29 AM   #73
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That conversation was not in good faith. It was a set up to get her to tell you her thoughts and feelings so you can reject them then take her to task, all done after watching red pill stuff to fire you up. For mercy sake, end it.
I can see why would think that, but it's not strictly true. I had planned to talk to her at some point soon and I'd not gone out of my way to arm myself with red pill propaganda before seeing her. I only stumbled across this red pill stuff by accident after researching things after discovering avoidant attachment.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:52 AM   #74
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It's funny you say that, some_username. After reflecting for a couple of days of no contact, I asked my girlfriend if she was available to talk. This was yesterday afternoon, to which she agreed. So, I was over at her house last night, after she had put her boy to bed and we spoke for about an hour.
I am sorry to hear about the severity of the situation but unlike the others I applaud your handling of it by at least confronting her and your self awareness to know that things are at a critical point and can't go on as they are.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you had much dating experience between your last marriage and this girl then if you are just realising the fickleness of relationships! Online dating has made the dating landscape for men very much like a novelty toy factory, one day all the girls want a Buzz Lightyear the next they want the special edition Woody and you find yourself sat on the shelf at the second hand store bemused at how you got there.

The trick is to accept it and take it in your stride. Concentrate on what you can change and control and that is only ever you, yourself
and most of all your emotional state. Which is why I would be wary of that red pill stuff. It's useful in the sense it can help a man grow a spine but too many go off the deep end and once they understand the problem (I believe the whole hypergamy/80-20 rule/evolutionary biology stuff is very close to how things are these days) they realise that understanding the problem doesn't actually solve the problem and they become bitter and end up parrotting reams of stuff on Reddit about 80-20 etc. You can say it as much as you like but typing it out won't help you, it will only entrench it further in your mind and take you further away from what you want. But I digress...

The answer, imo, lies somehwere in that line about "the best revenge is living well". It's not about revenge, but more moving on and liking yourself and liking who you are and having faith that that alone will naturally bring the right person into your life. And if it doesn't, hey, if you are truly living well then a life partner can only add to that so it isn't the end of the world if that ship has already sailed.

Good luck OP. I wish you well.

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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:59 AM   #75
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Probably very true.

Also, you are a slave to your penis, and she doesn’t have the time or the patience for that anymore...
It's true only because she chooses it to be true. It's actually irrelevant as it's not encumbering our relationship. I'm dealing with it in my own time and I'm not emotionally dumping anything on her. You see, she thinks I'm hiding stuff from her wheb she asks what's going on, then when I think she's showing interest and wants to be supportive, she makes suggestions which aren't practical and gets offended when I don't adopt them and thinks I'm taking my exes side.

You know, I think it's a bit rich to accuse me of having baggage on one hand, but on the other hand expect me to not only accept her ever present baggage, but to embrace said baggage with grace and aplomb. I mean, that's only fair if I wish to entertain a relationship with a single mother. But man, it's a thankless task being a step parent and I've done it for 13 years with two different women.

My girlfriend, who'll we'll just call 'V', told me that she's always been the one in relationships to put herself and her needs second to her partner's. That's funny, because she's doing a damned good job of changing that in this relationship. She's done a good job of creating a scenario where I jump through hoops, pander to her emotional needs all in the hope that I'll be rewarded by having my needs met.

V told me that when we first spoke online, I had told her that the ex and I were on good terms and that "doesn't really seem to be thrme case." I told her that we were on good terms at the time. I then asked her if she was implying I had been less than honest, to which she replied, "no... but there must have been issues." "Of course there were issues, I said. No body separates without issues, but things changed and it got worse." V said I should have thought about that before dating, to which I replied, "I could have waited years and unless she found someone else first, finding out that she's been replaced and realizing my daughter loves her replacement was always going to pi$$ her off."

I wonder why V liked the 'D' in the beginning, but decided she had no time for it 7 months into the relationship? I think there's more to it than those tired cliches like 'I'm too tired' or 'I have a headache.' She's pulled away because she's either got attachment issues, which fits with having daddy issues (her dad is aggressive and dominant and was emotionally absent to all of his kids), or she's just lost attraction. I think it's the latter.

I just take exception to being told that she's further down the path of being ready to have a functional relationship (I'm paraphrasing here as that isn't how she put it) when it's clear to me that she's not really in any position of being ready either, in my opinion. Either that, or she's only invested in what she can gain for her and her son and not what she can bring to the table herself.
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