LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree115Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 1st March 2019, 12:16 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Wallysbears's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 1,642
That's a good question about what is your style vs. what you perceive to be hers.

I just did a quick little online test myself and the results came back saying "Whether it involves emotional expression or developing a deep intimate bond, you're the type of person who is very at ease getting close to a partner. You are also comfortable relying on your partner when necessary, as well as having him/her dependent upon you in times of need."

Trail...could you possibly need her to be more reliant on you as part of your attachment style?
Wallysbears is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 12:26 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Trail Blazer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Oregon
Posts: 394
@littleblackheart: We spoke in the beginning about what we wanted to achieve putting ourselves out in the dating world. We realized that our desires aligned. We attempted to define what a relationship would mean, what it would look like, etc. It was all good. In fact, this isn't even a paraphrase, it's a quote: "On paper = dream guy. But only time will tell. You're smashing down all of my emotional walls and that's scary but exciting."

I never knew those words would become somewhat poignant. Somewhere along the lines, I've acted in a way where she's felt the need to put those walls back up again. Hence, my research of her behavior indicates an avoidant attachment. Mutliple articles listed behaviors and traits relating to avoidant attachment and she ticks almost every one of them so, so accurately!

I've self-analyzed. I've realized I'm not perfect myself. I think coming out of a fairly toxic marriage and into the arms of a gorgeous woman who made me feel like the most special guy in earth meant that when things changed, it felt like a mini crisis for me. I displayed traits of anxious attachment, however I think it was a reaction a rather than an absolute. I'm much more pragmatic now, and quite honestly I'm not even sure if this can be resolved.
Trail Blazer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 12:32 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Trail Blazer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Oregon
Posts: 394
Quote:
Originally Posted by olivetree View Post
I have lots of experience being with someone avoidant.
We now have a secure relationship.

You could ask her to take an online test to see what her attachment style to you is, and you take it too.
Key here is TO YOU, because she could have a different attachment to her child, siblings, etc.
Perhaps it could open a dialogue about what's going on with you two.
24 hours ago I had never even heard of attachment styles. I created this thread as my research into my girlfriend's behavior had a remarkably uncanny reseblence to avoidant attachment to the point where I kept lookinf at more articles and wantesld to know more, including the collective experiences on LS.

I might do one of those tests myself when I have some more time this evening and report back to here. I'm unsure yet if I'd suggest my girlfriend do it. I'm not sure how she'd take that. I am open to suggesting it to her where appropriate.
Trail Blazer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 12:58 PM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,029
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
I displayed traits of anxious attachment, however I think it was a reaction a rather than an absolute. I'm much more pragmatic now, and quite honestly I'm not even sure if this can be resolved.
Fair enough, though if all this research happened in under 24h, you might want to give yourself time to take it all in and give her an opportunity to talk it over with you.

I honestly most people are 'good on paper' anyway; once the novelty wears off is when you truly if on paper matches real life.

Good luck in any event
littleblackheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 1:00 PM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 299
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
This is pretty much it. We became closer again over the holiday period, now things have gone cold again, seemingly out of nowhere. Just when she feels like she's getting closer to me, more content and trusting, BAM! She puts up walls and retreats.
If you take a step back and look at it from outside she is quite predictable. Some of us on your other thread told you that she would thaw out over Christmas as having a partner then would be all new and no-one likes to be alone at that time of year. Now as sure as eggs is eggs it's business as usual.

I agree somewhat with the poster above, it may not even be that she is purposely obtuse- this could literally be just who she is. Either way it isn't wrong for you to be unhappy with things- but it means that you obviously aren't with the right person and have to pluck up the courage to do something about it. You have tried your best to confront the issue and it hasn't worked so the question is how long are you willing to put up with being unhappy? The elephant in the room, as per your recent thread is: would you even still be with her if you weren't as attracted to her looks? The answer to that seems fairly clear and should be a bit worrying because that pretty face you are looking at is not making you happy and is making you keep yourself unhappy.

Some of the loneliest people I know are in relationships and it looks like you are headed in that direction. Even for a pretty face, the juice just ain't worth the squeeze imo.
some_username1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 1:57 PM   #36
Established Member
 
SunnyWeather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 615
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
OP, it's really best to avoid diagnosing a partner.

Diagnosing a partner (coming up with some condition that explains their behavior) can all too often just lead to one result: You make excuses, justify, explain ... why you're being treated poorly.

It's not your job to understand what kind of underlying condition she has. Your job is to set your standards ... and call her out if she fails to meet them ... and get out of the relationship if her behavior isn't working for you.
well said. I'll add to the OP- this information might be best directed toward the person seeking this knowledge, rather than pointing outward to the other. Reflecting on YOUR attachment style and understanding why YOU are attracting certain types might produce some helpful and fruitful insights that lead to changes in your own behavior. Ultimately, it could help you to see ways in which you engage in unhealthy dynamics, and help you to create more fulfilling and healthy relationships--And, that also means, learning to disengage from unhealthy ones.
__________________
This above all: To thine own self be true
SunnyWeather is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:05 PM   #37
Established Member
 
edgygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,114
This is a psychological trauma, itís not about being ďusefulĒ. Of course it wonít be useful for those who donít have this trauma or are not in a relationship with someone who has insecure attachment.

With all due respect it would be nice if people on this thread stopped discounting that itís a very real possibility that sheís an avoidant. Whenever insecure attachment comes up on LS, most people say - youíre only trying to explain someoneís bad behavior by finding excuses. Quite honestly itís a little offensive to those of us who legitimately feel they have this issue.

Also, if youíre secure, and you seem to be by your result, youíll never get what insecure attachment is unless you have someone close who has it.

Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
Could it simply be that your expectations in terms of what a relationship means to you both are mismatched, and that neither of you have a particular attachment style?

I don't know much about attachment theory at all but took a test out of curiosity. It came out as 64% secure, 14% avoidant and some other things I didn't pay attention to.

What that tells me is that being single suits me, and that I best avoid anxious people. All of which I knew anyway, tbh.

I don't mean to say this theory isn't useful; I'm sure it can give good insight on oneself.

I've not really read all your threads so my aplologies if this has been covered already but I wondered: did you just look at her style, or did you look into yours too?
__________________
'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.' ― AnaÔs Nin
edgygirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:17 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,029
Quote:
Originally Posted by edgygirl View Post
Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.
She may well be avoidant - I don't know, nor do you, nor does (with respect) OP know for certain.

But equally, this may also be the novelty of the new relationship wearing off.

I don't live in a bubble, I have family members who do have those anxious or avoidant styles, and I agree that childhood plays a big part so yes, I do know for witnessing it, what an insecure attachment style is.

I also know that it is not set in stone, and that you can be different things to different people.

With that said, I didn't mean to sound dismissive - apologies, that was not my intention at all.
littleblackheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:23 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Wallysbears's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 1,642
Quote:
Originally Posted by edgygirl View Post
This is a psychological trauma, itís not about being ďusefulĒ. Of course it wonít be useful for those who donít have this trauma or are not in a relationship with someone who has insecure attachment.

With all due respect it would be nice if people on this thread stopped discounting that itís a very real possibility that sheís an avoidant. Whenever insecure attachment comes up on LS, most people say - youíre only trying to explain someoneís bad behavior by finding excuses. Quite honestly itís a little offensive to those of us who legitimately feel they have this issue.

Also, if youíre secure, and you seem to be by your result, youíll never get what insecure attachment is unless you have someone close who has it.

Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.
The thing is? Anyone who says that this woman has XYZ cannot possibly know. Only a professional can make that determination. And hypothesizing about it won't help the situation.

If she does have a specific attachment issue, then it can be addressed by a therapist.

Just like saying someone has depression. Unless it is actually diagnosed by professionals, it is just a random guess.

Would we tell someone to diagnose their partner with diabetes based solely off what is relayed to us on an internet forum? No. We'd tell them to have their partner see a doctor.

Except in this situation, I highly doubt a conversation about any type of attachment style will even happen. And further doubt that any doctor would be consulted.
Wallysbears is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:27 PM   #40
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4,909
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
It's not about spending time per se. It's hard to describe the intangibles, especially over text. I believe I am fairly perceptive and my gut hasn't generally let me down in the past. When I've detected issues of her going cold in the past and brought it up, I've been on the money. She's admitted to struggling at certain times when I've felt it. Only now, since she knows if I raise the "going cold" issue, she anticipates it and comes armed with excuses for why.

I cut her slack because her grandmother passed away. I cut her slack because she was tired at times. I cut her slack because she started a new job recently. Hell, I cut her a massive amount of slack understanding that she's a single mother and that I'll always come second. However, I struggle to reconcile with being shut out at seemingly random times, with a complete disregard to how dysfunctional it is to go days on end with no contact and no valid reason why.

I won't compromise my own self respect forever.
Why would you compromise your self respect at all?

No, donít! Thatís a clear indicator you should ends things = when you are compromising YOUR self respect. Stop doing that to yourself!
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:48 PM   #41
Established Member
 
edgygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,114
littleblackheart - no worries I always love your posts but just thought Iíd put it out there as itís frustrating that people on LS usually dismiss the subject.

Wallyís - Of course we donít know. But I applaud OP for caring so much about her that heís doing all he can to figure out what might be the issue. This is only one possibility amongst others, it should not be dismissed and of course he can discuss it with her so she can check with a professional whether thatís the case. But all diagnosis start somewhere... with research. Itís fair to research and suppose - thatís all.

Of course I agree that if no convo happens and no doc is ever consulted, it can be a total waste of time.

Last edited by edgygirl; 1st March 2019 at 2:51 PM..
edgygirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 2:58 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,570
Usually (not always) I don't think posters just outright reject a theory, but provide alternate possibilities. It's not helpful to encourage anyone to grab onto one theory and hold tight to it when no one knows for sure.

This forum is great in that we get the views and experiences of so many different people.
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 3:03 PM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 523
Diagnoses aside, it does seem that you two are not on the same page in what you want or need in a relationship so maybe just recognize that and move on to someone who can better meet your wants and needs. You're dissatisfied with her a lot and no one wants a partner who views us as psychologically impaired or dysfunctional or who is trying to figure out what we need to change. That's really a determination of whether you're compatible and it doesn't sound as though you are.
Tamfana is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 3:06 PM   #44
Established Member
 
edgygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,114
Of course a variety of ideas is the best. I just might be a little sensitive to the subject as I live it, and I do see people dismissing the possibility over and over on LS. I do pay attention as itís a subject thatís important to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Usually (not always) I don't think posters just outright reject a theory, but provide alternate possibilities. It's not helpful to encourage anyone to grab onto one theory and hold tight to it when no one knows for sure.

This forum is great in that we get the views and experiences of so many different people.
edgygirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2019, 7:30 PM   #45
Established Member
 
Trail Blazer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Oregon
Posts: 394
Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Why would you compromise your self respect at all?

No, donít! Thatís a clear indicator you should ends things = when you are compromising YOUR self respect. Stop doing that to yourself!
Wow. I didn't actually mean to say forever, I meant I won't ever. I totally agree with you, we should never compromise our own self resepct. I don't feel like I have, I just feel like currently, I am exploring all avenues to try and make things work. When those avenues are exhausted, it'll be time to move on.
Trail Blazer is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Anxious attachment style - is my bf an avoidant? (Tl;dr) berrybunny Dating 4 4th October 2018 11:12 PM
Avoidant attachment style, how to heal? Mikasut General Relationship Discussion 8 26th May 2018 4:37 AM
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Disorder Rgr1012 Breaks and Breaking Up 3 6th September 2017 12:45 AM
Avoidant attachment and dating TaylorW Dating 7 16th May 2017 8:02 PM
Avoidant Attachment Love Crashandburn Second Chances 7 7th October 2013 10:52 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:20 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.