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New romantic interest is flaky. Feel I might be wasting my time...


BWFMT

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Hi All,

 

I will keep this brief as possible, but I met a guy just before Christmas, right before I was due to leave the country for an eight week period, but we stayed in touch whilst I was away and I got great vibes from the whole thing.

 

Anyhow, I messed up our first proper 'date' (I got my dates confused and accidentally arranged a date when I was not actually in the country) I apologized profusely, travel brain and an over eagerness to actually spend time with this guy got the better of me.

 

So we arranged a date for not too long after I was home but he had to cancel as he had been out the night before and woke up too late; I had known about his weekend plans and so had not counted 100% on this date going ahead. We both agreed we would reschedule and so the next date came around. We had a wonderful time, and I really like the guy. VERY similar personalities in many ways, but very different in others. The date ended, we shared a kiss and I was eager to see him again so we set a date there and then.

 

The next date rolled around and on the day he cancelled. His reasons were somewhat valid, a friend in need took his attention and again I can entirely subscribe to that. One should never ditch ones friends for someone we barely know. But I just cannot help but feel that this is probably a lot of flakiness so early on and that I might save myself a whole load of heartache by not getting too involved.

 

We have spoken since the cancelled date, and I have sent off a couple other dates that are convenient but we have not locked anything in just yet. My workload is punishing to say the least at the moment and I have other familial commitments meaning that it could be quite some time now before we get to see each other again.

 

He sometimes takes quite a while to respond to messages, but then so do I (my work requires the use of both of my hands and so I can often go several hours before responding to people; his job is public facing and quite busy and so I can sympathize that it may take a while to get back to me). We also have massively different schedules which would also be a problem down the line with regards to seeing each other at any kind of reasonable time.

 

I dunno. I really like this guy, and the first date was SO good. A spark I literally have not felt in a long, long time. I have a tendency to over analyze things and cannot work out if I am reading way more into this situation than is actually necessary, or if I am just setting myself up for failure.

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Your rocky start is coloring this. He too may wonder if you are serious about dating him. Put little stock in anything. Don't worry about long term schedules yet. Go on a few more dates & see what happens. It's called giving people a chance.

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Just my 2 cents but if you were that amazing to him, he would have np squeezing you in for a short date or at least spend 10 mins chatting with you here and there to keep up the interest. People still need to eat, and take a crap...plenty of time there to shoot over a text.

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Curiousroxy86

Beginning stages I wouldn't read into anything much

 

Live your life, I hope you multi date, and see who shows up consistently.

 

When a man contacts you consistently and ask you out consistently that's when you can start to focus your attention.

 

Don't show any concern for flakes

 

A guy cancels no big deal. You don't hear from him no big deal. Focus on the guy who keeps showing up in front of you. The flakes will just flake away like crust or crumbs that fall off a bread product lol. Don't worry about crumbs. Focus on the guy who is actually showing substance (he calls, ask you out, say when he wants to see you again, follows through, etc)

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Thanks for that - I think you are right... since posting, we managed another date but then he flaked on the one after. So we are on a 50% success rate at present, which is a shame as I really like the time we do spend together.

 

We make the date, he tells me how much he is looking forward to it and then something arises... It is just frustrating to say the least.

 

I'm not very good at multi dating, but I think it may be time to keep my options open and go back to the drawing board.

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You don't need to multi date, you just need to stop investing in lukewarm/unavailable guys. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....and not just during a date.

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You don't need to multi date, you just need to stop investing in lukewarm/unavailable guys. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....and not just during a date.

 

This is the weirdest part though; when we are together it is amazing. The successful dates are up there amongst the best I have ever been on... perhaps it is his nature to just be all over the place, and perhaps the issue is within me.

 

I need to ask myself if I can deal with that longer term... I tend to be quite a grounded person, who sticks to plans come hell or high water and it does affect me a fair amount when someone cancels last minute.

 

He is always extremely apologetic when he does cancel, and always throws a new date at me immediately (which he usually sticks to) but it is frustrating, particularly to have spent all day looking forward to it to then be let down. And then the flip side is when it does happen, it is wonderful!

 

What to do!

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MaleIntuition

He is always extremely apologetic when he does cancel, and always throws a new date at me immediately (which he usually sticks to) but it is frustrating, particularly to have spent all day looking forward to it to then be let down. And then the flip side is when it does happen, it is wonderful!

 

What to do!

 

Well, as a “general” rule, when flakes reschedule they are still interested. Obviously there are never any guarantees when dating, but it sounds like you like him, and therefore my advice is simply to continue date him.

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He is always extremely apologetic when he does cancel, and always throws a new date at me immediately (which he usually sticks to)

 

Haven't you only been out once?

It seems like he mostly cancels, to me.

 

I hate to say it but I think the dates were more amazing for you than for him.

Or he doesn't want a relationship, etc.

 

I know you really like him but you shouldn't settle for guys that make you guess if they are into you/want to see you.

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Date him, but keep dating other people. For one thing if he really has any interest and he tries to make a date and you say sorry I'm already busy that night, that might wake him up a bit.

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Haven't you only been out once?

.

 

We have been out twice now, and he has cancelled twice - but has always rescheduled the cancellation (which he generally shows for)

 

I mean he has messaged me to say he really likes me, or that he misses me - so it is really conflicting! If you missed me, you would spend time with me; we have the opportunity to spend time and you flake. This is not territory I am familiar with!

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Lotsgoingon

Doesn't matter that he is great when you see him. Lots of times I could be great in person ... and still not be all that seriously interested in someone ... or capable of being in a relationship.

 

Sometimes the problem was that my life was just a mess. So ... sure, I could show up on day x and be fun and lively ... but then I went home to a chaotic life ... and couldn't keep up maintenance of the relationship.

 

I'd say drop him ... People can be busy ... extremely busy ... and still find a way to connect with you ... text you short notes ... tell you they're thinking about you and looking forward to seeing you ...

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I'veseenbetterlol
Just my 2 cents but if you were that amazing to him, he would have np squeezing you in for a short date or at least spend 10 mins chatting with you here and there to keep up the interest. People still need to eat, and take a crap...plenty of time there to shoot over a text.

 

I agree for sure! I don't think there is much interest on your side either. You both have time to text each other a little bit during downtime.

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Oh I am super into him. But I guess maybe he is not into me by the looks of it?

 

I resisted the urge to drop him a message yesterday (we are meant to meet on Thursday - I will message him later this evening if I have not heard anything) but he has not sent me anything back. The last message between us was 24 hours ago confirming plans for Thursday. I'm gonna use this as the best of 3 - if he cancels on me this time it is just proof that I will be wasting my time to continue on.

 

Part of me hopes he does cancel so that I can move on with this - if the date goes ahead, how many more times am I gonna be sat around twiddling my thumbs wondering whether or not I should be getting dressed up or slipping into my Pyjamas for the night?

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Well, as a “general” rule, when flakes reschedule they are still interested. Obviously there are never any guarantees when dating, but it sounds like you like him, and therefore my advice is simply to continue date him.

 

It may just be that this is his nature; he does work weird hours, and a cancellation is ALWAYS followed by an apology and an immediate 'Are you free on (Insert date here)'.

 

Some of the messages he has sent are really sweet and charming, telling me he misses me or that he cannot wait to see me.

 

I guess the last reason for cancelling was valid and I would probably have done the same, but the previous was a bit of a crap one and was really a lame excuse. But then as I say, he tends to follow through on reschedules. Perhaps this is just his way.... The proof will be in the pudding if he cancels tomorrow; thus far he has not let me down twice in a row. And for me that will be a big deciding factor. I can live with rescheduling but not letting me down twice in one week...!

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Lotsgoingon

You're missing the point.

 

If you were with a really good person for you ... you would FEEL immediately reassured and settled when the person has to cancel ... because the person would go out of their way to make you feel good.

 

Note--they would not just go out of their way to say the proper words of apology and I'd like to meet on X date ... No, I'm saying a good person for you would almost be able to hug you from a distance, soothe you, make you feel special if they have to cancel.

 

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Your logical brain is missing the subtle signals that the gut is picking up ... Your logical brain focuses on the fact that technically he apologizes and he presents an alternative date ... But your gut is sounding the alarms. In situations like this, in my experience, the gut is almost always right ... because your body is picking up insecurity and nerves ... because ... there is something not quite right going on.

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You're missing the point.

 

If you were with a really good person for you ... you would FEEL immediately reassured and settled when the person has to cancel ... because the person would go out of their way to make you feel good.

 

Note--they would not just go out of their way to say the proper words of apology and I'd like to meet on X date ... No, I'm saying a good person for you would almost be able to hug you from a distance, soothe you, make you feel special if they have to cancel.

 

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Your logical brain is missing the subtle signals that the gut is picking up ... Your logical brain focuses on the fact that technically he apologizes and he presents an alternative date ... But your gut is sounding the alarms. In situations like this, in my experience, the gut is almost always right ... because your body is picking up insecurity and nerves ... because ... there is something not quite right going on.

 

Yeah, I am really feeling this today. Despite the last date being really nice, he has been really... cold... this weekend. I have not arranged a follow up date this time as I have realised I am setting the dates to him each time. So if he wants to see me next time he can put in a little more effort.

 

If he doesn't... I guess it is obvious where I stand. It's a shame as I actually do really like him but yeah, I think something is definitely not right.

 

We did not set another date after our most recent, but he was very happy to introduce me to friends/ flatmates and tell absolute strangers we were on a date. I know he is free today, and so am I, but as yet I have had a flurry of messages around lunchtime and nada more. I'm not going to invest too much more in this from now... I think I am most definitely being played.

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Yeah, I have not arranged a follow up date this time as I have realised I am setting the dates to him each time. So if he wants to see me next time he can put in a little more effort.

 

I thought I read somewhere in this thread where you said he sets up a follow up date after each cancellation. Is this not true?

 

 

We did not set another date after our most recent, but he was very happy to introduce me to friends/ flatmates and tell absolute strangers we were on a date. I know he is free today, and so am I, but as yet I have had a flurry of messages around lunchtime and nada more. I'm not going to invest too much more in this from now... I think I am most definitely being played.

 

Women put too much weight into a guy introducing them to their friends and family. It really means nothing. I don't think he is trying to play you he is just dating around but it doesn't seem like you are at the top of his list. Don't get serious about these guys so soon. Date around like they do or you will get stuck and hurt.

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Women put too much weight into a guy introducing them to their friends and family. It really means nothing. I don't think he is trying to play you he is just dating around but it doesn't seem like you are at the top of his list. Don't get serious about these guys so soon. Date around like they do or you will get stuck and hurt.

 

The last date was a success! But we did not set a follow up before he left (I thought I would wait and see if he messages me to tell me when he wants to see me instead this time around)

 

I have other options, but I have really enjoyed spending time with him! I really cannot tell if he is or is not dating around or if he is really that kinda character that just comes across as quite blasé. I was quite surprised after a cab journey on our last date when he put his arm around me and told me he really liked me a lot, followed by a load of quite nice text messages up until Saturday night. And since then.... cold.

 

I have absolutely no idea what to make of it, but this week I am busy with other things/ people. When he makes another date I will see how free I can be.

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Response to your update:

 

When someone is blowing hot and cold, they either have unresolved baggage (not emotionally available) or aren't into you enough.

Or both - the emotional unavailability makes it impossible to be into you enough.

 

The right person at the right time will be consistent and reassuring because he doesn't want to lose you.

I don't think this guy cares enough, for whatever reason.

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Lotsgoingon

Simple:

 

If you are wondering what's up, he's not interested. The only exception is that he might be interested in noncommitted sex.

 

There is no ambiguity when someone likes you ... And if there is, there is a personality gap such that the relationship will not work out.

 

Relationships require not just "interest" but sky-high interest if they are going to work! So the "interest" you are looking for is only super-high, off-the-charts interest. Low interest rarely turns to high. Rarely! ... won't say never but almost never.

 

So understanding that "interested" means "highly, passionately interested," here you go ...

 

Ambivalence = not interested.

 

Mixed signals = not interested.

 

Feeling unclear = other person is not interested.

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Yeah, I know you are entirely right. The way I feel at the moment about this whole escapade is far from valued, and he most certainly is not keeping up any kind of consistent conversation or even consistent dates.

 

It has been mentioned that the things that he has said, and certain actions (being very 'into' me) when we are together, or telling he misses me are signs of a manipulative person and that is starting to perhaps become crystal clear to me.

 

I heard nothing at all yesterday after a message at lunchtime which was beyond blasé; I was not feeling particularly well and got almost nothing along the lines of 'How are you feeling' - rather told me about his plans for his nice chill day off.

 

Time to cut loose. Why are the cute ones always a55holes!!!!!!

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MaleIntuition
Simple:

 

If you are wondering what's up, he's not interested. The only exception is that he might be interested in noncommitted sex.

 

There is no ambiguity when someone likes you ... And if there is, there is a personality gap such that the relationship will not work out.

 

Relationships require not just "interest" but sky-high interest if they are going to work! So the "interest" you are looking for is only super-high, off-the-charts interest. Low interest rarely turns to high. Rarely! ... won't say never but almost never.

 

So understanding that "interested" means "highly, passionately interested," here you go ...

 

Ambivalence = not interested.

 

Mixed signals = not interested.

 

Feeling unclear = other person is not interested.

 

You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety it’s very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

 

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.

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You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety it’s very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

 

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.

 

I do have a tendency towards anxiety; I have never made a move on anyone as I am so utterly terrified of being rejected which is why I was surprised anything ever materialised with this guy.

 

I just don't know, I like him so much but I have this feeling he doesn't like me so much. Or as previously stated, that I am one of many. I certainly don't feel like a top priority... not that I need to be, but I don't even feel like I am particularly on his list.

 

Then again this is a guy that just a few days ago messaged me to say 'I really like you and care about you'.

 

Conflicted and confused are probably the best words I can use for this situation

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My perspective....when someone seems to be too busy, cancels dates (even tho they reschedule), they are going out with someone else. So what if the dates are amazing, he probably has lots of amazing dates with the other women he is seeing. I bet money on it, he's saying what you want to hear so you will stay on the hook. That is you don't feel like a priority. He's keeping you interested enough, but leaves slack in the line. Ditch this guy.

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