LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

New romantic interest is flaky. Feel I might be wasting my time...


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree36Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 8th March 2019, 9:46 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,365
You're missing the point.

If you were with a really good person for you ... you would FEEL immediately reassured and settled when the person has to cancel ... because the person would go out of their way to make you feel good.

Note--they would not just go out of their way to say the proper words of apology and I'd like to meet on X date ... No, I'm saying a good person for you would almost be able to hug you from a distance, soothe you, make you feel special if they have to cancel.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Your logical brain is missing the subtle signals that the gut is picking up ... Your logical brain focuses on the fact that technically he apologizes and he presents an alternative date ... But your gut is sounding the alarms. In situations like this, in my experience, the gut is almost always right ... because your body is picking up insecurity and nerves ... because ... there is something not quite right going on.
Lotsgoingon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2019, 1:28 PM   #17
Established Member
 
BWFMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
You're missing the point.

If you were with a really good person for you ... you would FEEL immediately reassured and settled when the person has to cancel ... because the person would go out of their way to make you feel good.

Note--they would not just go out of their way to say the proper words of apology and I'd like to meet on X date ... No, I'm saying a good person for you would almost be able to hug you from a distance, soothe you, make you feel special if they have to cancel.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Your logical brain is missing the subtle signals that the gut is picking up ... Your logical brain focuses on the fact that technically he apologizes and he presents an alternative date ... But your gut is sounding the alarms. In situations like this, in my experience, the gut is almost always right ... because your body is picking up insecurity and nerves ... because ... there is something not quite right going on.
Yeah, I am really feeling this today. Despite the last date being really nice, he has been really... cold... this weekend. I have not arranged a follow up date this time as I have realised I am setting the dates to him each time. So if he wants to see me next time he can put in a little more effort.

If he doesn't... I guess it is obvious where I stand. It's a shame as I actually do really like him but yeah, I think something is definitely not right.

We did not set another date after our most recent, but he was very happy to introduce me to friends/ flatmates and tell absolute strangers we were on a date. I know he is free today, and so am I, but as yet I have had a flurry of messages around lunchtime and nada more. I'm not going to invest too much more in this from now... I think I am most definitely being played.
__________________
If you donít go after what you want, youíll never have it
If you donít ask, the answer is always no
If you donít step forward, youíre always in the same place
BWFMT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2019, 1:47 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,150
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by BWFMT View Post
Yeah, I have not arranged a follow up date this time as I have realised I am setting the dates to him each time. So if he wants to see me next time he can put in a little more effort.
I thought I read somewhere in this thread where you said he sets up a follow up date after each cancellation. Is this not true?


We did not set another date after our most recent, but he was very happy to introduce me to friends/ flatmates and tell absolute strangers we were on a date. I know he is free today, and so am I, but as yet I have had a flurry of messages around lunchtime and nada more. I'm not going to invest too much more in this from now... I think I am most definitely being played.
Women put too much weight into a guy introducing them to their friends and family. It really means nothing. I don't think he is trying to play you he is just dating around but it doesn't seem like you are at the top of his list. Don't get serious about these guys so soon. Date around like they do or you will get stuck and hurt.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2019, 2:17 PM   #19
Established Member
 
BWFMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Women put too much weight into a guy introducing them to their friends and family. It really means nothing. I don't think he is trying to play you he is just dating around but it doesn't seem like you are at the top of his list. Don't get serious about these guys so soon. Date around like they do or you will get stuck and hurt.
The last date was a success! But we did not set a follow up before he left (I thought I would wait and see if he messages me to tell me when he wants to see me instead this time around)

I have other options, but I have really enjoyed spending time with him! I really cannot tell if he is or is not dating around or if he is really that kinda character that just comes across as quite blasť. I was quite surprised after a cab journey on our last date when he put his arm around me and told me he really liked me a lot, followed by a load of quite nice text messages up until Saturday night. And since then.... cold.

I have absolutely no idea what to make of it, but this week I am busy with other things/ people. When he makes another date I will see how free I can be.
BWFMT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2019, 3:10 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,227
Response to your update:

When someone is blowing hot and cold, they either have unresolved baggage (not emotionally available) or aren't into you enough.
Or both - the emotional unavailability makes it impossible to be into you enough.

The right person at the right time will be consistent and reassuring because he doesn't want to lose you.
I don't think this guy cares enough, for whatever reason.
olivetree is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2019, 3:23 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,365
Simple:

If you are wondering what's up, he's not interested. The only exception is that he might be interested in noncommitted sex.

There is no ambiguity when someone likes you ... And if there is, there is a personality gap such that the relationship will not work out.

Relationships require not just "interest" but sky-high interest if they are going to work! So the "interest" you are looking for is only super-high, off-the-charts interest. Low interest rarely turns to high. Rarely! ... won't say never but almost never.

So understanding that "interested" means "highly, passionately interested," here you go ...

Ambivalence = not interested.

Mixed signals = not interested.

Feeling unclear = other person is not interested.
Lotsgoingon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 3:00 AM   #22
Established Member
 
BWFMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 79
Yeah, I know you are entirely right. The way I feel at the moment about this whole escapade is far from valued, and he most certainly is not keeping up any kind of consistent conversation or even consistent dates.

It has been mentioned that the things that he has said, and certain actions (being very 'into' me) when we are together, or telling he misses me are signs of a manipulative person and that is starting to perhaps become crystal clear to me.

I heard nothing at all yesterday after a message at lunchtime which was beyond blasť; I was not feeling particularly well and got almost nothing along the lines of 'How are you feeling' - rather told me about his plans for his nice chill day off.

Time to cut loose. Why are the cute ones always a55holes!!!!!!
BWFMT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 3:37 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 477
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
Simple:

If you are wondering what's up, he's not interested. The only exception is that he might be interested in noncommitted sex.

There is no ambiguity when someone likes you ... And if there is, there is a personality gap such that the relationship will not work out.

Relationships require not just "interest" but sky-high interest if they are going to work! So the "interest" you are looking for is only super-high, off-the-charts interest. Low interest rarely turns to high. Rarely! ... won't say never but almost never.

So understanding that "interested" means "highly, passionately interested," here you go ...

Ambivalence = not interested.

Mixed signals = not interested.

Feeling unclear = other person is not interested.
You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety itís very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.
MaleIntuition is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 4:07 AM   #24
Established Member
 
BWFMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaleIntuition View Post
You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety itís very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.
I do have a tendency towards anxiety; I have never made a move on anyone as I am so utterly terrified of being rejected which is why I was surprised anything ever materialised with this guy.

I just don't know, I like him so much but I have this feeling he doesn't like me so much. Or as previously stated, that I am one of many. I certainly don't feel like a top priority... not that I need to be, but I don't even feel like I am particularly on his list.

Then again this is a guy that just a few days ago messaged me to say 'I really like you and care about you'.

Conflicted and confused are probably the best words I can use for this situation
BWFMT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 3:15 PM   #25
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 15,214
My perspective....when someone seems to be too busy, cancels dates (even tho they reschedule), they are going out with someone else. So what if the dates are amazing, he probably has lots of amazing dates with the other women he is seeing. I bet money on it, he's saying what you want to hear so you will stay on the hook. That is you don't feel like a priority. He's keeping you interested enough, but leaves slack in the line. Ditch this guy.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.

Last edited by smackie9; 12th March 2019 at 3:18 PM..
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 4:58 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,365
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaleIntuition View Post
You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety itís very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.
Great point here MaleIntuition ... But in this case, I was basing my judgment on repeated cancellations and changes ... She isn't imagining those details.

And to give you a different perspective ... if a person does have anxiety, they still need a prospective partner to respond in ways that calm their anxiety.

I see anxiety as a quality like say, extreme brilliance. If you're extremely brilliant you need a partner who can work with your super smarts. Someone with extreme anxiety will need a partner who can see through the anxiety, can work with the anxiety ... a partner who is persistent and has high and obvious interest ... despite the other person's anxiety.

If the person with anxiety gets canceled on ... repeatedly ... at the last minute ... and gets ignored for days in communication ... those are signals of disinterest that apply just as much as they apply to the person without anxiety.

Flipping things: if the person with anxiety can't manage to do enough to reassure the other person, respond somewhat promptly and so on ... the relationship won't work.
Lotsgoingon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:53 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 606
Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
You don't need to multi date, you just need to stop investing in lukewarm/unavailable guys. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....and not just during a date.
Multi dating is actually useful w/flaky lukewarm guys. Dating multiple guys gives you options and you won't end up settling for an unavailable guy. Before I started multi dating, I got hung up on flaky dudes. After multi dating, I didn't care of one guy stopped texting me. I only stopped talking to all the guys when I went exclusive. All this lack of communication is a bad sign and prob the guy isn't all that interested.
I'veseenbetterlol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:57 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,150
Quote:
Originally Posted by BWFMT View Post
Time to cut loose. Why are the cute ones always a55holes!!!!!!
Because they are cute they have many options. You are right to move on.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 8:25 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Quote:
Originally Posted by I'veseenbetterlol View Post
Multi dating is actually useful w/flaky lukewarm guys. Dating multiple guys gives you options and you won't end up settling for an unavailable guy. Before I started multi dating, I got hung up on flaky dudes. After multi dating, I didn't care of one guy stopped texting me. I only stopped talking to all the guys when I went exclusive. All this lack of communication is a bad sign and prob the guy isn't all that interested.
*tears of joy* this statement makes me so proud.
Curiousroxy86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2019, 4:34 AM   #30
Established Member
 
BWFMT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
Great point here MaleIntuition ... But in this case, I was basing my judgment on repeated cancellations and changes ... She isn't imagining those details.

And to give you a different perspective ... if a person does have anxiety, they still need a prospective partner to respond in ways that calm their anxiety.

I see anxiety as a quality like say, extreme brilliance. If you're extremely brilliant you need a partner who can work with your super smarts. Someone with extreme anxiety will need a partner who can see through the anxiety, can work with the anxiety ... a partner who is persistent and has high and obvious interest ... despite the other person's anxiety.

If the person with anxiety gets canceled on ... repeatedly ... at the last minute ... and gets ignored for days in communication ... those are signals of disinterest that apply just as much as they apply to the person without anxiety.

Flipping things: if the person with anxiety can't manage to do enough to reassure the other person, respond somewhat promptly and so on ... the relationship won't work.
You know I have NEVER had any problems being anxious on this level when it comes to a man before but now it has reached fever pitch.

Lord knows what happened over the weekend but we have gone from being warm and lovey dovey ('I really like you/care about you/ I miss you') To absolutely f***ing NADA! I legit feel like an idiot for wasting my time here.

I asked him yesterday when we could see each other again, and was simply given 'This week is complicated' followed by a 'I'm supposed to see _____').

I responded to say no worries; I also have a hectic week ahead, maybe we can catch up next week, which was again met with resistance ('I don't know my hours next week yet')

So I have left it with the following;

'OK, well at this point I am cautious to plan something this far in advance with you anyway. If you want to catch up next week when you get your shifts drop me a message, and if I am free maybe we can do something.'

The cold front over the weekend has knocked me a little bit, and I have cried over this unfortunately, but I refuse to get further attached to someone this emotionally unavailable.

I think at this point it is obvious that there is no future in this. I cannot even defend him anymore. I'll be grateful for the good dates that we managed to have, wish him well in his life, and I think for now . . . I'm done dating for a bit.

Last edited by BWFMT; 13th March 2019 at 4:46 AM..
BWFMT is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
would you feel like you are wasting your time? loling123 Dating 3 10th November 2015 8:59 PM
Am I Wasting My Time--When is it time to let go?? cinnamonapples86 Dating 50 15th October 2015 10:11 AM
i feel like i'm wasting my time, but she won't leave my mind... rcrljmg07 Second Chances 1 29th May 2010 12:01 PM
seeing sum1 but im starting 2 feel im wasting time happygilmore Dating 2 23rd March 2007 8:09 AM
Dating a man with a son/ no time for us/am i wasting my time vanilla Dating 2 22nd March 2004 6:36 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:28 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.