Asked him out, feeling uneasy

[ella5]

Hey everyone!

I need some help. I'm a college student and I thought this guy that hangs out in my circle was cute. We'd known each other for a couple months and it seemed like we got along. I told my friends this, and especially my close friend who is good friends with him encouraged me to tell him how I felt.

 

I'm usually pretty shy and don't initiate things with guys, but I decided to give it a try. I asked him if he wanted to get coffee and at first he said he had a midterm coming up, so I was like "oh okay" and started walking. Then he said "what about thursday?" and I said that would work. At one point my friend gave me his number because I realized I had to change the time we agreed on but we managed to set a time to go out.

 

I felt pretty good during the date, except I had to keep checking my phone because I had a meeting I couldn't be late for (hence the time change). But we had a really good conversation, had some stuff in common, he kept smiling and we were joking around and laughing a lot. He bought my drink. He's into video games and he even said during the date that if I beat him at one then he'd "buy me another coffee". I had said that after my meeting I was going to go play with one of our mutual friends and he said he'd "for sure be there" (which he was). When I went to meet up with him and my friends, I kinda hugged him (it was awkward because my friend pushed him into me... I don't really know) and he kept getting pretty close to me and offered me some of his doughnut (he kept refusing to share it with others). I lost to him in the video game, and then I had to leave for work and I said bye to him and my friends.

 

My friend told me that night that I should message him and say I had a good time, so even though that is not something I usually do, I just sent a message saying thank you for the coffee and that I had fun. He said "of course. thank you for joining me". later i messaged him asking about some movie we had been talking about during the date (just making small talk i guess), and he didn't say anything. He also has not asked me or said anything about going out again, so right now I feel stupid for initiating this all.

 

I'm sure y'all are going to give me flack for pursuing him, and I get it. I feel dumb, but I would still love to hear any thoughts you might have. Thanks

[Whodatdog]

You did just fine. Now stop contacting him and let him come to you, if he's interested. If he doesnt, thats okay too. You tried and thats great. Just dont keep after him if he doesnt show interest.

[smackie9]

Ya you did your job, now it's up to him to initiate another date. And from now on, keep your friends out of it. They shouldn't be doing the initiating for you or him.

 

 

And no there is no reason to give you flack for making the first move. I myself have asked plenty of guys out on dates, and that was over 30 years ago. I encourage women to step up, it's a modern age. You just have to remember to let the man have his chance to pursue too.

[Curiousroxy86]

Honey I am not going to crucify you for pursuing

 

Though I don't recommend it I still applaud you for going after what you want and hey it's not the end of the world

 

But my question to you is...is that something you would want to do again?

 

Are you okay with possibly being verbally turned down or having to read his non responses as a turn down or only find out the only reason he responded favorably was because you showed interest but he really wasn't interested?

 

Anybody who pursues have to brave these possibilities that the person they pursue may or may not respond favorably or have unfavorable motives if they seemingly respond positively.

 

You experienced it so you can decide if that's something you don't mind risking again or not

 

But in my humble opinion women don't have to take that risk. Men that want you enough will pursue. Facts.

 

A lot of men will say yes to women who do pursue even if they dont really see it going anywhere out of boredom, ego boost, sex option, loneliness, or some sort of selfish gain....AND of course will say yes if they actually like her back as well. But those other very real possibilities that are not ideal just makes it way too unattractive to want to take that risk in my opinion. Hell you got guys who do pursue for the same reasons that's not ideal. So I can't imagine taking the risk to pursue only to possibly get embarrassingly rejected or him saying yes for the unideal reasons I mentioned. To me it's better to choose a guy who pursues you in a way that atleast look like he does really like you and the only thing you need to observe is if he can sustain that interest over time to see if the like is real. But that's just me.

[Simple Logic]

It is like checkers, his move.

[smackie9]

Big misconception about women making the first move...I was never taken advantage of, or had any negative experience, now I'm not saying everyone will have the same experience, mine was very positive. Yes I was turned down maybe once or twice, but it was no big deal to me, there were plenty of other guys to date, I just had that attitude (I knew my worth). I liked taking risks. Women have more advantage than men do, so it's different. We don't go through as much rejection like guys do. In fact the guys I asked out just loved it and felt flattered.

 

As for guys that would take advantage...does matter if you ask them out or they ask you out..their agenda was always there no matter what.

 

 

 

So girl, if he doesn't reciprocate, that's fine. You will find plenty more suitors with your confidence. Not bad for a shy girl I must say. Good on you.

[Versacehottie]

I think you did fine. I think it might not be an immediate quick thing to pan out with this guy because you are part of a friends circle. But he has already given you some decent signs. The only thing i would have said to do differently (which you can still do the next time is be a little more playful/flirtatious/try to generate more of a personal connection with the text afterward. Basically find a way to have the banter going.

 

I would let him make the next move for a date. After all, you lost the last video game. And try to get more comfortable, less awkward around him, but keep the good flirty tension going if that makes sense. Don't expect a quick dating thing to materialize. I think it make take a bit (like a few weeks/months). good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

You did fine ... now wait for him to respond. If things are going to work out, he will have to hold up his end. You made your interest clear.

 

His turn ... He doesn't respond. Let him be.

[mortensorchid]

I have since learned after much trial and error that women should not ask the man out. The last one I have referenced many a time, a certain rejection that sliced me to the bone just shy of my 40th birthday. I have asked myself how and why that changed me the way it did, and I think it was a variety of things but the main thing is that I should not have done it. Because women should not ask out men, let the man do it. But I digress ...

 

Since you made the first move towards it, let him respond. If he doesn't? Move on. If he does? Good luck.

[crispytoast]

What's all this about "the woman should not ask the man out"? Sorry, that's some ridiculousness. As a man with particularly high standards, I'm going to come out and say I have an immense amount of respect for a woman who makes the first move. To me, that signifies that she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to step out on a limb to get it. Just don't totally throw yourself at us. We can get freaked out by that sh*t too

Edited February 25, 2019 by crispytoast

[TheFinalWord]

Women have more advantage than men do, so it's different. We don't go through as much rejection like guys do. In fact the guys I asked out just loved it and felt flattered.

 

It's so rare for a woman to empathize with what men have to go through. It's even harder for men these days because women are so inundated with options, out attention and effort seems to mean even less.

 

To me, even if the girl and I don't work out, I always respect her for going against convention and making the first move. So many women are afraid to be rejected, yet they want equality. Well, that means getting to experience what men go through having to initiate and cold approach a woman that will likely reject them.

[Curiousroxy86]

It's all well and good that you "respect" her but at the end of the day what matters is what the woman who choose to pursue experience is actually going to be.

 

I am not saying her experience will be unfavorable. And I'm not saying it will be favorable. But there are real possibilities and it's the cons that women who are thinking about it needs to be informed of to decide whether they want to do that are not. Especially when they don't have to. Talking and flirting. Yes they should do that. Actually asking for the number/asking out on a date? Don't have to do it and oh so better when you let the man do it IMO.

 

Like I said ANYBODY who pursues have to have the stomach for possible rejection. If you have the stomach for it by all means do it. But ladies don't have to cause men go for what they really want.

[Shining One]

I have since learned after much trial and error that women should not ask the man out. The last one I have referenced many a time, a certain rejection that sliced me to the bone just shy of my 40th birthday.

One rejection hardly qualifies as "much trial and error". How many times have you asked men out and how many of those were rejections?

[snowboy91]

I'm sure y'all are going to give me flack for pursuing him, and I get it.

 

Nope. Quite the opposite - you were brave enough to step up and show your interest. You shouldn't feel silly at all - go you! In this modern age of equality, guys and girls are equally entitled to ask someone out that they like... which coincides with the feelings of uneasiness and worry about rejection if things don't go to plan.

 

There's a reasonable chance that given he's part of your friendship group that he wants to remain friends. That's OK - that doesn't make your effort any less valid. You gave it a go, and if things didn't work then they just didn't work. Don't read into it further - just do the same again next time you meet a guy you like!

[Cersei]

You did awesome and totally come out of this the better person.

You don't look like a fool at all. In fact the guy kind of does.

 

So many men wish they were in his position. You just picked the wrong guy.

One day he will kick his own ass for letting you go.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sure y'all are going to give me flack for pursuing him, and I get it. I feel dumb, but I would still love to hear any thoughts you might have.

 

 

Don't feel dumb. You were brave! Good for you.

 

I will tell you two things:

 

When time is an issue, don't keep looking at your phone. Set an alarm on the phone & put the phone on vibrate. When you feel it go off, you end the date. Constantly checking the phone makes the person you are with feel like they aren't as important as what you are doing next.

 

Your friend was right. You should have sent the thank you text. In the modern world that text has become the green light for a guy to ask a girl out again. When some men do not receive that text, then interpret the lack of contact as "don't bother me".

[smackie9]

It's so rare for a woman to empathize with what men have to go through. It's even harder for men these days because women are so inundated with options, out attention and effort seems to mean even less.

 

To me, even if the girl and I don't work out, I always respect her for going against convention and making the first move. So many women are afraid to be rejected, yet they want equality. Well, that means getting to experience what men go through having to initiate and cold approach a woman that will likely reject them.

For women it's not about being rejected, it's about coming off as being easy...that is why so many won't do it. They think it lowers their value.

[MaleIntuition]

It's all well and good that you "respect" her but at the end of the day what matters is what the woman who choose to pursue experience is actually going to be.

 

I am not saying her experience will be unfavorable. And I'm not saying it will be favorable. But there are real possibilities and it's the cons that women who are thinking about it needs to be informed of to decide whether they want to do that are not. Especially when they don't have to. Talking and flirting. Yes they should do that. Actually asking for the number/asking out on a date? Don't have to do it and oh so better when you let the man do it IMO.

 

Like I said ANYBODY who pursues have to have the stomach for possible rejection. If you have the stomach for it by all means do it. But ladies don't have to cause men go for what they really want.

 

Men - or in this cas: college boys - fear rejection just as much as women. We aren’t born with a dating handbook.

[Shining One]

For women it's not about being rejected, it's about coming off as being easy...that is why so many won't do it. They think it lowers their value.

It's clearly about fear of rejection for some women.

The last one I have referenced many a time, a certain rejection that sliced me to the bone just shy of my 40th birthday.

Like I said ANYBODY who pursues have to have the stomach for possible rejection. If you have the stomach for it by all means do it.

[Curiousroxy86]

It's clearly about fear of rejection for some women.

 

I think it's both. I touched on this in my comment. Not just the guy possibly saying no thank you/I am taken or being jerk about it... But the possibility of the guy going along with it not because he likes her but because she is there in front of him on a platter so to speak and she end up getting played. That would go into the idea of a woman's perceived value lowering whether it's the woman perceiving her own value would lower or the guy she is pursuing how he perceives her value.

 

Too many cons that IMO don't make it attractive for women as a whole to want to do...especially when they don't have to

[Curiousroxy86]

Men - or in this cas: college boys - fear rejection just as much as women. We aren’t born with a dating handbook.

 

That is true

 

But despite the fear most men still do the asking anyway and learned since middle school if they want a girl they need to ask her out

[Curiousroxy86]

But the possibility of the guy going along with it not because he likes her but because she is there in front of him on a platter so to speak and she end up getting played.

 

Now that I think about it this is one of the major reason why we opt out of doing it *warning soap box*

 

There is a reputation that men will pretty much f*ck anything that walks or that guys would sleep with a woman they don't really plan to make their girlfriends or sleep with woman they are not really attracted to.

 

There is a great interest for women to protect their hearts from getting played in this manner

 

One of the major concerns in dating is whether the guy really likes the girl or wants to just get into her pants. Now this is a problem for us even if the guy did pursue (hence love bomb complaints). If the concern is figuring out if a guy truly likes us enough for more than sex or likes us enough to be in a relationship from the guys who do pursue wtf makes you think that women as a whole would want to opt for doing the actual pursuing when the action of pursuing a man doesn't really help our best interests in answering that very important question?

 

You can't gage a mans true interest if your doing the pursuing especially when you have the mindset that men will respond to a woman "throwing herself at him" (the perception) for sex, ego boost, boredom, or some selfish reason and doesn't have to like her or be attracted to her

 

So yea the fear of rejection is a reason but also the fear of unfavorable intentions is another one which is why we opt to not do the asking out or something a bit smaller such as initiating contact sometimes

 

Just my 2 cents by the way

[ella5]

You did just fine. Now stop contacting him and let him come to you, if he's interested. If he doesnt, thats okay too. You tried and thats great. Just dont keep after him if he doesnt show interest.

Thank you so much. I followed your advice. I saw him a couple times and just looked away and didn't say anything, and he didn't say anything either. Then the other day, I was studying in a clubroom at school and he walks in and I still don't say anything and stick my earbuds in. He walked in and started talking to me, so I took my earbuds out and he was just making small talk and I told him "I'm writing an essay" and he's like "oh I'll leave you alone". Then like an hour later he came up to me again and asked if I would take a break and go get something to eat with him. I hesitated at first but he kept insisting so I went. However, this time I paid for my own food even though he was going to pay for mine.

I think time does help put things in perspective thought. I kind of think he likes me but even if not I am okay with being just friends. He's a pleasant guy to be around, and I'm pretty busy, so either way is fine with me. Thanks so much for helping me work through this.

[ella5]

Don't feel dumb. You were brave! Good for you.

 

I will tell you two things:

 

When time is an issue, don't keep looking at your phone. Set an alarm on the phone & put the phone on vibrate. When you feel it go off, you end the date. Constantly checking the phone makes the person you are with feel like they aren't as important as what you are doing next.

.

 

Thank you! As yes, that is a wonderful idea. Definitly going to do that next time.

[ella5]

In all honesty I don't think it is something I would do again. All of the things you listed are fears I had. I guess I did it just to try, because all of my past relationships have sort of gone the same way and I thought maybe if I tried a new approach then perhaps it might yield better results. I am very shy though when it comes to guys I like, so this was probably a one-time thing. Also, I'm the type of person who likes dating, but doesn't know what I want long-term (marriage, kids -- no clue if I even want those things with anyone). I have my whole career mapped out to a tee but clueless when it comes to those things. So big picture, I did feel very attracted to this guy, but it's probably not something I'd do again.