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Wants to be with me but doesn't want to get hurt....


Marty7787

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Hi, first post so please be kind.

 

Been dating a girl for about 2 months now, had a great relationship together, could laugh and joke about nothing all day long, hours seemed to fly by in a blink of an eye.

 

Saturday night I told her I was starting to have feelings for her, and would like to see her more often.

 

Forward to Monday she said we needed a chat, So I go to meet her, and she says she wants to end things with me. I've asked her why, and she told me I was a great guy who treated her great, she loved being with me and she even said she wanted to be with me but doesn't want to get hurt.

 

We left it there and arranged to meet up Friday (yesterday) for a coffee, I only messaged her once between this time to ask if we were still going for the drink (I wanted to give her space to think). I ask her again if I've upset her in anyway, to which she repeated that line about how she wants to be with me but doesn't want to be hurt. She said she doesn't understand the feeling, and doesn't expect me to understand it either. I've tried to reassure her that I want to be with her, nothing I seem to say gets through to her. We held hands for long periods and she let me rub the inside of her let for a bit, We were laughing and joking all the way through the coffee and just felt like a normal date.

 

I've told her that we could last 6 months or the rest of our lives together and could end up married with kids. I also told her that the couple of weeks of pain from a break up are well worth the months of bliss in a relationship.

 

Shes also spoken to her sister who has told her the exact same thing.

 

I really don't know how to approach things now and how to ease her mind. I'm going to give her a bit more space to think before I make the next move.

 

I don't know if this will matter but I'm 31 and shes only 21.

Edited by Marty7787
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Well done on getting a date and welcome to LS.

 

This is a classic response from a woman who has been hurt before and doesn't want a repeat. Women commonly grow much more deeply emotionally attached than men. Part of her is saying that she wants to keep her options open (21 year old carefree lady) and part of her is saying she wants to move at her own pace so she doesn't get in an emotional bind. Women are very very perceptive about their emotions, and try to avoid hurting them (or the emotions of others).

 

If you can swing it, you can try to maintain the pace of the relationship at a level where she is comfortable. Absolutely do not show her any neediness or weakness (i.e. calling her twice a day, or nagging her out on a date). Then by her actions, you will be able to tell what she is truly thinking. At that age there is some degree of game playing, and most people don't tell their dates what they actually think. The key is to observe their actions. Be the gentleman who is willing to take the relationship at her pace, or be willing to part ways and meet a woman who is more likely to fit your needs.

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You're probably just too old for her, maturity-wise. She's really young. She isn't ready for any of that, marriage and kids and someone who's ready to jump right into that. She's got some years before she'll be thinking about that, and here you are already ready for it. So she doesn't want to get attached to you when she knows she's not going to settle down anytime soon. You do realize young people's brains, the part that can predict consequences, aren't even fully formed until their mid-twenties? That's why 31 is too old for 21, but 41 isn't too old for 31. They can't see around corners, and trying to makes them uncomfortable. Girls just want to have fun.

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We left it there and arranged to meet up Friday (yesterday) for a coffee, I only messaged her once between this time to ask if we were still going for the drink (I wanted to give her space to think). I ask her again if I've upset her in anyway, to which she repeated that line about how she wants to be with me but doesn't want to be hurt. She said she doesn't understand the feeling, and doesn't expect me to understand it either. I've tried to reassure her that I want to be with her, nothing I seem to say gets through to her. We held hands for long periods and she let me rub the inside of her let for a bit, We were laughing and joking all the way through the coffee and just felt like a normal date.

 

>snip<

 

I really don't know how to approach things now and how to ease her mind. I'm going to give her a bit more space to think before I make the next move.

 

I read this as an inexperienced young woman who doesn't know how to be more direct and tell you she isn't interested anymore. She doesn't want you to reassure her, because this isn't just about a fear of getting hurt. This sounds like something I would have said in my much younger years to a guy who I thought I liked but not enough to continue.

 

She's trying to let you down gently.

 

Read between the lines, my friend.

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sounds to me she has put you in the cuddle buddy /friends zone. She's only here for a good time, but not a long time. Basically she's not interested in what you want.

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I can never understand that logic. She's afraid to get hurt but agreed to date you and start a relationship?? If she had been hurt in the past and isn't ready for a relationship then by all means don't date until ready. But the fact that she tells you 2 months into the relationship.. seems to me she's using it as an excuse. Her interest level may be low or she's unsure whether or not she actually wants to be with you. :(

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I think she's saying that she's not interested in you ... She doesn't have enough confidence to say, "Look this isn't working for me." ...

 

So she comes up with this feeble flimsy vague thing about not wanting to get hurt. You are apparently falling for this flimsy reason and taking her cliched words way too seriously.

 

None of us want to get hurt. Many of us are afraid to be hurt. And we spend time and energy to try to avoid being hurt ... So her statement is really a nothing statement.

 

FYI: people know when they want to date. They don't have to be talked into.

 

If there is any hope, it has to be that you pull back ... and let her take the initiative. And stay out of the "I'll be the perfect nice guy through your time of ambivalence and coldness" thinking. That thinking is completely flawed ... When people are interested, they run towards us, the spring towards us, they get on planes for hours and days to get to us ... They don't tell us "I'm afraid to be hurt."

 

Chill ... And do not attempt to reassure her. That's treating her like a baby. She has to reassure herself.

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Wow man, you told her you want to marry her at 2 months? You've got her freaked out because you are way more relationship-oriented than she is. I get it, she's probably hot and you want to lock her down because you're worried some other dude is going to snatch her up. Problem is, you're coming from a place of fear and not confidence, which is a natural turn off for her. She probably doesn't understand why, she only knows you lack confidence and it's got less to do with her getting hurt and more to do with she doesn't know if she feels the same about you.

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Wow man, you told her you want to marry her at 2 months? You've got her freaked out because you are way more relationship-oriented than she is. ...

 

This ^ You probably scared her off by talking about your feelings early on. Everything used to be just fun, but now you made it all serious. I guess she started to think about the future, and if the really wants to end up with a guy who is ten years older. She's only 21, I doubt she wants to settlle down with someone right now...

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This ^ You probably scared her off by talking about your feelings early on. Everything used to be just fun, but now you made it all serious. I guess she started to think about the future, and if the really wants to end up with a guy who is ten years older. She's only 21, I doubt she wants to settlle down with someone right now...

 

this argument is rendered mute as if david beckham or ronaldo did the same thing as OP she would have reacted different. people want to use "she was young" as an excuse to make OP feel better. its rubbish. as 21 if she was into shed be with you. have seen it a million times when i was at uni etc.

 

its really as simple as shes not that into you.

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Firstly, I never told her I wanted to marry her, I just said if she took the risk then it could end after a few months or could end up with us being married with kids.

 

Anyway, I saw her down the pub last night, I had an absolute skin full, She looked amazing, I thought to myself that she has never dressed for me like that and it really hit home then, she was out on the pull, which told me everything I needed to know. We had a quick chat and I went to put my arm around her and she backed off. She was having a great time laughing and joking with her friends.

 

Feel empty inside, keep flicking between anger (at myself) and depression.

 

Sent her a text this morning telling her to get all her **** out of my house.

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worst feeling in the world when u put your arm around the girl and she backs off. humiliating and hurtful. sorry. she doesnt want to be associated with you

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She's younger than you, probably doesn't want anything too confining at the moment. Not wanting to get hurt sounds like an excuse. It is a way of saying 'back off, you are coming on too heavy and I'm getting scared'.

 

I suspect she is not scared of being emotionally hurt but of you overwhelming her and wanting commitment. You have hardly been together for long and yet you are talking about a future with her. I think in her place, even if I really liked you, I would feel quite smothered.

 

I think you need to back off and maybe even consider finding someone nearer your age who is going to want to settle down. She must be feeling rushed and pressured, whatever you actually intend. Unless you give her lots of space, she is likely to bail in order to avoid being overwhelmed by someone who is in different stage of life to her.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Well I text her again at the weekend, basically shr said it's as simple as she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else for the time being.

 

She said that she did want a relationship but changed her mind after something her sister said to her.

 

Everyone I've spoken too about it says I can do a lot better then her anyway.... I kinda miss her every now and again but those periods are getting longer, I spelt with another women at the weekend but I just felt like I cheated on the ex.

 

I'm going to take a little time for myself and just try to enjoy life for the time being.

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I'm glad you are going to take some time for yourself & enjoy life.

 

You didn't do anything wrong per se. If you had been her Mr. Perfect, she would have responded positively to what you said. But at 21, if some guy started talking to me about forever, I would have bolted too, just because forever was too long & too scary. I didn't settle into my 1st long term relationship until I was about 23.

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Mrs._December
I don't know if this will matter but I'm 31 and shes only 21.

Of course it matters. She's still a baby.

 

You got to be able to live your young adult years (I'm assuming because you're not married) doing exactly what young adults are supposed to do - spread their wings and fly. Date, fall in love, get their hearts broken, go to college, get their first full time job, experience highs and lows and everything else in between. Go to clubs with their girlfriends and make fools of themselves drinking too much, go on trips, etc. etc. Those years are a right of passage into adulthood - and you got to live those years already But she hasn't.

 

You're ready to move onto the next step and she's just starting the journey.

 

Further, her brain is still developing. She's not going to be the same person at 26 that she is now. There's a world of change coming her way and she needs to experience it. Tying herself down to you is not a good place for her to be.

 

I'm glad you realized it was better to let her go.

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  • 2 months later...
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I have now been blocked on everything..... no idea why.

 

I bumped into one of her friends a few weeks ago, I asked how the ex was and if she has met anyone new. A couple of days later I know her picture on the whatsapp has gone, which I thought was weird, then I checked up on her other social media accounts to see she has blocked me on everything.

 

Can't understand why either? Is it because I have tried to move on, and have taken up loads of new activities, meeting new people, made new friends and now I'm always out having a good time? I've had a few dates, nothing as of yet that I've wanted to pursue but that's life, onto the next.

 

I was hoping that we could remain civil to each other. I assume this will probably now be a permanent block?

 

Maybe she has met someone new? In which case, I have no ill feelings towards her and wish her all the success.

Edited by Marty7787
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I'veseenbetterlol
Hi, first post so please be kind.

 

Been dating a girl for about 2 months now, had a great relationship together, could laugh and joke about nothing all day long, hours seemed to fly by in a blink of an eye.

 

Saturday night I told her I was starting to have feelings for her, and would like to see her more often.

 

Forward to Monday she said we needed a chat, So I go to meet her, and she says she wants to end things with me. I've asked her why, and she told me I was a great guy who treated her great, she loved being with me and she even said she wanted to be with me but doesn't want to get hurt.

We left it there and arranged to meet up Friday (yesterday) for a coffee, I only messaged her once between this time to ask if we were still going for the drink (I wanted to give her space to think). I ask her again if I've upset her in anyway, to which she repeated that line about how she wants to be with me but doesn't want to be hurt. She said she doesn't understand the feeling, and doesn't expect me to understand it either. I've tried to reassure her that I want to be with her, nothing I seem to say gets through to her. We held hands for long periods and she let me rub the inside of her let for a bit, We were laughing and joking all the way through the coffee and just felt like a normal date.

 

I've told her that we could last 6 months or the rest of our lives together and could end up married with kids. I also told her that the couple of weeks of pain from a break up are well worth the months of bliss in a relationship.

 

Shes also spoken to her sister who has told her the exact same thing.

 

I really don't know how to approach things now and how to ease her mind. I'm going to give her a bit more space to think before I make the next move.

 

I don't know if this will matter but I'm 31 and shes only 21.

 

Ah! The classic its me not you line. That is a big load of horse crap. There is NOTHING you can do once they pull that line. Plus when they do hurt (she will end up hurting you), they can say "well I warned you". People only drop those statements when they aren't interested, but don't want to tell you they aren't. Your approach should be: absolutely nothing.

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She doesn't want you being able to see what she's doing or any of that. probably doesn't like, message to get her stuff out of your house although it seemed like a reasonable enough request. She doesn't want any more conversation and wanted to send you a message so that the next time you see her out, do not try to put your arm around her again, which I'm sure you would not have but she doesn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

 

It's just a difference in life stages. Can't really be helped. Onward and upward.

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If she really liked you, she'd be more scared of losing you than not wanting to imaginarily get hurt, its really simple as that.

Shes just not that into you.

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I have now been blocked on everything..... no idea why.

 

I bumped into one of her friends a few weeks ago, I asked how the ex was and if she has met anyone new. A couple of days later I know her picture on the whatsapp has gone, which I thought was weird, then I checked up on her other social media accounts to see she has blocked me on everything.

 

This. When the friends relayed all this to her (and asking if she'd met someone did convey some level of interest, which made her feel uncomfortable) she was reminded of you. As Preraph said she now doesn't want you seeing/knowing what's going on in her life. Nothing else.

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The Outlaw

Welcome aboard. Sometimes, things are just better left unsaid, even feelings. It just never tends to end well. She's young, and maybe she's been hurt before by other guys who have used the same line that had an ulterior motive, maybe she actually doesn't want to be hurt, or maybe she wasn't feeling it like you were. It happens to everyone of us. But all you can do now is after a heartbreak is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Good luck out there.

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I have now been blocked on everything..... no idea why.

 

Surely you are joking about not knowing why.

 

If by way of ending things, I was texted and told to "get my **** out" of someone's house (as opposed to a conversation of "I think it's time we parted ways. Let's sort out our stuff) I'd block him too. You blew any chance of a civil parting out of the water.

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Surely you are joking about not knowing why.

 

If by way of ending things, I was texted and told to "get my **** out" of someone's house (as opposed to a conversation of "I think it's time we parted ways. Let's sort out our stuff) I'd block him too. You blew any chance of a civil parting out of the water.

 

This happened ages ago, though. Back in February and OP was only blocked a few weeks ago! (Of course the friends reporting back might well have reminded her of this, though)

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