LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Relationships are so hard


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree4Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 22nd February 2019, 10:52 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 811
Relationships are so hard

I'm a bit confused and possibly mad with myself.

I've been in maybe four relationships. Some long term and some short term, but four i would consider actual relationships. At one point, I was single for 13 and a half years and i really liked the idea of relationships when I wasn't in them, however, I am worried that my long term singleness has affected me when it comes to compromise and negotiation.

I've been in a relationship for a year and my partner has found it hard to work with me. He thinks I am too independent and that I don't listen to him. I really tried and I tried to do what he suggested me to do at times. I wanted a mountain bike because it was something that he really likes doing and I thought it would be great to do together and for me to pick up a new hobby. I found this mega attractive one- bright pink and I really wanted it. I thought " I could put it on lay-by" except my boyfriend told me not to put it on lay-by because those bikes are already being built up in places like Taiwan and will come into bike stores where you can always find around the city overtime during the year. Maybe I do have a one track mind but I thought perhaps I can put down a deposit at least? and then save up the money in my own savings account.

He thought that was great but, when it comes to spending my money, he'll get very angry if I spend it frivolously without consulting him first because he is much better at dealing with these sorts of things. He realised he can't change me, and that's fair enough, but finds it hard to love me and work with me.

I've always just wanted him to love me and accept me and choose me. He says he does and yet because I am so independent it means it's hard for him to do those things.

I feel a bit deflated as I just feel an urge to please him, he says relationships aren't about pleasing each other but working with each other but I am doing my best so that we can work with each other. I just need to listen to him more and we can have a sit-down and discuss things together as a team and I feel those things learnt in 'relationships' suddenly lost on me because, at one point, I use to doing this all on my own. Plus I have never had someone wanting to work with me, usually, guys walk way.

I'm so confused and feel like this is all my fault

Can someone shed light on this? I'm crying out because I don't want this great guy to feel like I am too hard to work with.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:27 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,800
I am much like you. I was single for a very long time and I’ve been in a serious relationship for three years. We have a nice partnership, but I still like to do my own thing in many ways...

It is your money. I don’t see why he should have any say in how you chose to save or spend your money particularly what you purchase. You are not married. It’s not a “joint” asset.

My boyfriend has bought some stupid “stuff” during our relationship. He just spent over a thousand dollars on an elliptical machine - money I know he doesn’t really have and a machine that I think he has used twice since he purchased it... I said nothing, except “if it’s what you want...” Likewise, I’m going away for a weekend getaway with a bunch of girlfriends. This holiday will cost me money and I just told him - “you will have this weekend to yourself because I’m going away with my friends.”

Its not that I would t listen or don’t value his opinion... And goodness knows, he asked me a hundred times if I thought the elliptical was a good idea and made me go with him to the store five times to see it before he bought it... but, if he told me how I should spend the money that I earn or what I should/should not purchase - I would find that rather condescending and controlling. I would not like that.

Relationships are about working together as a team, consulting, communicating, and compromising. But, they are also about supporting the other to maintain some kind of independence within the partnership... I don’t see your “independence” as a bad thing at all...
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:35 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,800
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy-oliviaWentcher View Post
I've been in a relationship for a year and my partner has found it hard to work with me. He thinks I am too independent and that I don't listen to him. I really tried and I tried to do what he suggested me to do at times.

When it comes to spending my money, he'll get very angry if I spend it frivolously without consulting him first because he is much better at dealing with these sorts of things. He finds it hard to love me and work with me.

Because I am so independent it means it's hard for him to do those things.

I feel a bit deflated as I just feel an urge to please him, he says relationships aren't about pleasing each other but working with each other but I am doing my best so that we can work with each other. I just need to listen to him more.
So basically, his version of “working with each other” is for you to listen to him more and do exactly as he tells you to do. I would say, that’s not “working together...” That’s you doing exactly as you are told.

And, how exactly is it hard for him to “love you” if you don’t listen to him and spend money frivolously (according to him)? Don’t you see how condescending that is... he is not your husband, and you are not spending his money... Why is his love conditional on you doing what he wants you to do?

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd February 2019 at 1:54 AM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 2:44 AM   #4
Established Member
 
TheFinalWord's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: † Calvary †
Posts: 6,719
Do you live together? I'm confused.

Money is a main reason people fight and separate. It probably has less to do with the item and more to do with him thinking you aren't financially responsible? I don't know, it's hard to tell from the limited information.
__________________
If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants. - Newton
TheFinalWord is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 3:20 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 811
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFinalWord View Post
Do you live together? I'm confused.

Money is a main reason people fight and separate. It probably has less to do with the item and more to do with him thinking you aren't financially responsible? I don't know, it's hard to tell from the limited information.
We have spoken about marriage but we don't live together
Daisy-oliviaWentcher is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:53 AM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 143
To be honest he sounds a little controlling
Olivia_daviss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 12:40 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,800
Daisy, how does it make you feel when he tells you that you need to listen to him more or when he gets angry because you have spent your money frivolously?

I know that you have had other relationships where you have had difficulty defining healthy boundaries. Have you ever seen a Counsellor?
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:13 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,083
I'm confused. You've been together for on only a year and he gets angry with you for spending your money the way you want? Have you already mingled finances?


I personally think he's being controlling. Relationships are not always like this. When we were dating, H would never have dreamed of trying to tell me what to do with my money. Even after we lived together, mingled finances, and then got married... he'd never "get angry" at me for spending, either. If he did think a purchase was unwise, we'd talk about it. But only because we have joint finances, and never in anger.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:36 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 230
I was accused by my wife to be controlling , and though she got her independence in finances she still called me controlling , so I shut my mouth and never asked her where she is going -(trust her and most visits are to her relatives ,or kids related or shopping) -Still I am controlling because I go out every Thursday to play cards ....
My question is :When he spend money does he share ideas with you or it is one way only ?
zouz71 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:47 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 57
From what you described, I don't think you're being selfish. You've only been together a year. You wanted to save up for a bike as a way to bond with him. Unless you're in massive debt or something I don't see the issue. It's 100% your money right now, unless, like someone else said, you've already started to mingle finances.
frankspeci is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 2:14 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,800
To be very honest Olivia, I thought it was very nice of you to want to buy a bike so that you can go out biking together. I also thought it was very responsible of you to save for it, instead of doing what most would do which is pay for it with credit.

Is this the same guy from last year? Because, I feel like we established last year that he was controlling and there needed to be better boundaries in a relationship.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/rom...-t-like-5.html

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd February 2019 at 2:22 PM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 2:49 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 811
actually, that guy is my ex. I went out with the current boyfriend a couple of months after that guy ended the relationship over the phone. He is now getting married. This guy is current and it's been about a year- yearish.

Maybe I attract controlling guys, I'm not sure.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:26 PM   #13
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 15,555
Financial compatibility is crucial for the long haul. You simply have not met the right guy. Me and my husband have our fiances separate. As long as the bills are paid, he or I can do anything with our own money. You don't sound irresponsible, so your BF is controlling for no reason. If you can afford it, and can save for it, it's none of his business to say anything about it.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Can adult relationships be as pure as teen relationships? wtfmate General Relationship Discussion 17 11th September 2017 12:42 AM
Buddhism & Relationships, relationships & Buddhism... TaraMaiden Spirituality & Religious Beliefs 24 24th May 2011 6:31 PM
How do you think father-daughter relationships influence girl's relationships? t0ri Dating 5 4th February 2011 5:18 PM
Internet relationships = real relationships? LeaningIntoTheMuse Long-Distance Relationships 25 19th January 2011 1:29 PM
Attachment relationships in infancy lead to similar adult romantic relationships? jones1990 Dating 7 12th May 2010 4:32 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:45 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.