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Is Canceling Plans because, well, i feel like it, ok?


mmattt

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We've been together for 3 years. Just recently got back together after a breakup. He has bought me a ring, but hasn't proposed yet... I told him I would not move back in with him without a real commitment..... so, now we don't see eachother as often and We live 2 hours apart. We DO still see each other every week, however, usually 2 days. But, I'm ALWAYS the one who goes to see him (my friends and everything i've known for a long time now are located there, too)

 

He hasn't been to visit me in 4 months. I am here, 2 hours away because all of my family lives here.

 

Last night, when we were talking about him coming, he said he would come but seemed/sounded like he really didn't want to. Making comments like "WELL, what is the PLAN??" and "WHAT are we going to even be doing there???" -- yes, it came off a bit rude and unpleasant. I feel under a lot of pressure, as if he needs to feel constantly entertained while here. And what if plans fall through? He will undoubtedly make a big deal out of him coming here and us not really doing anything 'exciting'. It's a small town, and there's really not a lot to do. Dinner and such of course is a given, but I just feel like telling him something came up, and that we'll have to make plans for next week, because I feel that he really doesn't want to come and I'm under a lot of pressure to try and make things exciting and fun for him while he's here.

 

When I go see him, it's not as if we're doing all sorts of exciting things 24/7 either, you know. It would just be nice for him to come visit me, since I'm making the efforts to go and see him. Oh, and him not complain about it. Would it be awful if I were to cancel the weekend?

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It wouldn't be awful but not the best way to handle it. Why not just tell him how you feel, saying basically what you wrote here? If he doesn't like it, too bad. If you can't be honest with him, what on earth are you doing with him? If he's mature, then the two of you can have an open conversation about it. But, regardless of the outcome, is a relationship really worth having if you can't express how you feel?

 

Your feelings aren't out of line. He should see that without you pointing it out. He sounds a little arrogant or immature to me. Why did the two of you break up in the first place? How did you find out he bought a ring for you? That seems odd, like he holding it over your head that he plans to propose but keeping you waiting. The whole thing is sounding a little one-sided, if you ask me.

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I will say something that you can research for yourself. The effects of love are:

 

1. He wants to spend as much time with you as he can even to the detriment of other things in his life.

2. Everything you say is interesting to him.

3. He will overlook your faults.

 

This is it. This is what I felt for my wife of 46 years when I fell in love with her. This is what Therapist and Psychologist list as the results of your brain chemistry coming together to make you feel what we call love.

 

Find your answer in the above.

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My bf hates the town I live in. He lived here when we met and shortly after, was transferred to a really cool place 3 hours away. I will actually move there when my teenager graduates. Despite not liking my town, he comes to visit me way more often than I go there for various reasons. Ultimately, I would not even consider going there more often. I would go there just as frequently as he came here if he wanted me to, but not more. I expect that he puts as much effort into the relationship as I do.

 

Regardless of where we spend our time together, his absolute favorite weekends are the ones where we do nothing but eat, chill and watch movies together. Doing nothing together is so satisfying to both of us.

 

OP, you need someone who wants to be with YOU regardless of where you are. Don’t stress over having to entertain him. Act as if being with you should be enough and stop doing all the work in this relationship.

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I really don't think it's fair at all that you have to always be the one to travel. I also don't think it's fair that you should have to entertain him for the entire weekend if he comes to visit you. I also don't feel like every single weekend has to be full of activity.

 

Making comments like "WELL, what is the PLAN??" and "WHAT are we going to even be doing there???" -- yes, it came off a bit rude and unpleasant.

 

It is rude. He has access to the Internet. Maybe flip it back on him. "What would you like to do this weekend? Let's figure out a plan together." If you know of anything going on, you can suggest it. Even though you are in a small town, maybe there are things nearby? Or you can go to the movies, out to eat, bowling, ice skating, hiking, . . .? Is there really nothing to do within an hour radius? He can also use Google to find out what is in the area to go to. Stop letting him put it all on you.

 

Dinner and such of course is a given, but I just feel like telling him something came up, and that we'll have to make plans for next week, because I feel that he really doesn't want to come and I'm under a lot of pressure to try and make things exciting and fun for him while he's here.

 

I don't feel like this really resolves the problem, though. It still leaves you having to travel to see him next weekend and he gets out of having to reciprocate. I really think you need to address this issue head on with him. You can recognize the fact that your town isn't as exciting as his and there isn't as much to do, but there is no reason why you two can't have a nice weekend together anyway. I think you may have bigger underlying problems if he constantly needs to be entertained and isn't happy just to spend the weekend with you not doing a whole lot from time to time.

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You broke up & got back together. Now there is distance to contend with. This reconciliation isn't going well. Don't you think that you ought to consider whether breaking up & staying apart is the right answer?

 

How hard would it have been for you to come up with a plan. I mean it it all that difficult to say --

 

I'll have dinner waiting & some drinks when you get here. I thought we could relax after your 2 hour drive. I'd like to sleep in & cuddle &
;)
in the morning. For the afternoon I thought we could [fill in an activity hike, movie, museum, lecture etc] & then go to [restaurant] for dinner. My parents would love to see you
so
I thought we'd have brunch with them on Sunday before you have to head back.

 

Having a plan doesn't' have to be expensive & exciting but it can be.

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If you have been with this guy for three years (on and off), then you should know by now if you can see spending a lifetime together. Based upon your complaint, I believe you would not be a good match. As others have pointed out here, he is not as committed to this relationship as you. Ultimately do you see your self in a traditional marriage or do you see your future life as a series of short term relationships? My personal advice: dump this guy and begin looking elsewhere.

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My bf hates the town I live in. [...] [he lives in] a really cool place. [...] he comes to visit me way more often than I go there.[...] I would not even consider going there more often. [...] I would go there just as frequently as he came here if he wanted me to, but not more. I expect that he puts as much effort into the relationship as I do.

 

 

So let me get this straight. Your boyfriend hates the place you live. You love the place he lives. He is willing to visit you "way more often" than you visit him. But you draw the line at ever visiting him more often than he visits you?

 

 

It sounds like your last sentence is incorrect. You expect him to put *more* effort into the relationship than you do. He must visit you 50% or *more* of the time, and it's ok for you to visit him 50% or *less* of the time. But the reverse situation is not something you would even consider.

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So let me get this straight. Your boyfriend hates the place you live. You love the place he lives. He is willing to visit you "way more often" than you visit him. But you draw the line at ever visiting him more often than he visits you?

 

 

It sounds like your last sentence is incorrect. You expect him to put *more* effort into the relationship than you do. He must visit you 50% or *more* of the time, and it's ok for you to visit him 50% or *less* of the time. But the reverse situation is not something you would even consider.

 

Um, I don't EXPECT him to put more effort in. He comes more often because I'm the one with a kid who can't always travel with me. He chooses to come more often. I'd be perfectly fine it were equal.

 

And, my bf doesn't ever feel like he's putting in more effort overall in our relationship. We both put in a lot of effort with each other just in different ways.

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If you have to convince your man to marry you by giving him an ultimatum, then the only reason he will do it is to avoid the "negative" repercussions if he doesn't.

 

Doesn't sound sincere to me... especially if he's already complaining.

 

Why did you get back together?

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hippychick had commented on my original post giving her particular situation.

 

As the original poster, I visit my guy 99.95% of the time. We don't particularly always do 'fun things' there, however, its as if he uses it as an excuse that there's not a lot to do in my town, as a means of not wanting to come visit.

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Congratulations for standing up yourself. Double congrats because this problem has festered for a while ... and when we let problems fester, it's so hard to muster up the courage to confront the problem. So congratulate yourself! ... Great step!

 

This time is a perfect opportunity to face the fact that this guy isn't treating you as an equal. You can close your eyes and pretend to ignore this--you can't really ignore it--but the problem will continue. By speaking up, you are opening your eyes and facing the truth ... and if any relationship is going to survive, it has to survive based on truth.

 

There's clearly an imbalance here in the relationship. And most likely, you have hesitated inviting him to your place precisely because you sensed his hesitation, sense his lack of willingness to come to your place.

 

Absent a truly compelling reason (as in your place is a complete and total dump and unsafe) if he's not willing to come to your place, then he's not really willing to be a full partner in the relationship with you.

 

That question he asked ... is flat-out ridiculous. A super-confident person would have told him to go to you-know-where and to do you-know-what to himself. Literally, he deserves that ...What's notable is that he has you on the defensive for proposing a small step toward balance.

 

In the future, you want to nip this problem in the bud. Don't even start a relationship where you stay exclusively at the other person's place. No, that simply does NOT work.

 

Any congrats for taking this step. You're already changing ... Don't minimize the importance of what you're doing or what you're asking for--it's basic and it's extremely important!

 

Frankly, time to start thinking about dumping him and moving out of the relationship.

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Tell him straight up that you are tired of making that trip all the time and that you are not going to do it this time. Tell him he is more than welcome to come to you and that, if he wants to do something different while he is in your area, you two can look at the options when he gets there. PERIOD. If he says he's not coming, tell him to have a nice weekend. And, then go out with your friends. And, then you sit back and observe. You should maintain your usual level of contact/communication and don't talk about the next time you two will see each other. Let him bring it up. No matter how long it takes, you wait this out. It's the only way you'll be able to see whether or not he wants to balance things out and is sincerely interested in keeping the relationship going with equal participation. If you are doing all the work all the time, you can't evaluate properly. It's not about game playing, it's about allowing the other party to actively participate in the relationship/situation and observing what they are offering and whether it meets your needs in the relationship naturally -- without prodding or picking up the slack, etc.

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First of all, thank you so much, everyone, who has replied to this post. Until I read your responses, for whatever reason, I kind of felt like the bad guy.

 

What happened today is basically:

 

Him: ‘Do you want me to come up there or not?’ (Rudely again)

Me-“well of course I would like for you to. I’ll leave that decision up to you, just please let me know soon’

Him: ‘ugh. Now I have to go home after work and pack and get the dog food...’ etc etc etc

Me: ‘I’d like to see you for sure, but not if it’s going to be too stressful or inconvenient for you. I’ll leave the decision for you to decide, and either way I understand’

 

 

I’m trying to handle this properly. If I pressure him, he may blame me. And I don’t want to hear him complain. Is this an acceptable way to handle it?

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Why are being Ms Nicey-Nice when he’s being rude and uncooperative? I don’t get it. You know, there’s a way to say things and get your point across without yelling or pressuring. He has no problem pressuring you, btw. Honestly, this guy doesn’t seem at all happy about getting back together with you.

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This morning he called and said ‘I was thinking of heading up today to see you but it’s raining a lot’

 

I told him not to worry about it and it was fine, I understand. Then he texted me 30 minutes later and said ‘so I don’t have anything to do today, do you still want me to come?’

 

I was feeling a little salty about him not coming yesterday, yet he went out with friends and was out until after 3am this morning, so I said ‘let me see what’s going on tonight’. His response was ‘fine, it doesn’t sound like you want me to. Have a good day’

 

— is this borderline abusive?

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It's not abusive. It's dismissive on both your parts. It's passive aggressive & it's yet another sign that your relationship is over. Put both of you out of your misery & formally end it.

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Look, if you can't talk to him about something this ordinary, how are you ever going to have a say in the marriage? You know, it's better to find out now what he's like when he doesn't get his way. That's when you really see who a person is, how they handle that. You need to just tell him that you feel you're the only one making the effort and also that you don't understand why WHAT you do once he's there is all that relevant, since being together should be what's relevant.

 

Don't go into a marriage without having been able to feel you can talk to him. I really feel him putting all the pressure on about what will we do is a form of gaslighting so he gets his way or makes you feel bad for expecting some effort on his part. Don't let him do that you. If you feel like it, yes, you can just say, It's not worth it, maybe another time" and blow it off, but it's all for nothing if you are still the one who has to make the effort next time. But do NOT bend over backwards entertaining this gaslighter as a bribe to make him come here.

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