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Poor communication in early stages


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Old 5th March 2019, 10:31 PM   #16
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Not everyone even wants to get all that chit chat texting going. It can eat up your day and get you in trouble with work or whoever you're with. Besides, if you chat all day, what on earth are you going to have left to talk about on dates?

Do ask him to let you know asap when he's going to be late or have to cancel. Tell him that since he's not always "reachable," that you'll depend on him to tell you asap if he's delayed.
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Old 5th March 2019, 11:22 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
Just be careful about labeling the problem poor communication. Communication comes out of a context, out of motivation. I was a poor communicator when I wasn't interested in someone and when I didn't know how to interact with someone.

Communication is not some separate "thing." Frankly, three months in, I say you should assume poor communication = poor interest or poor ability to be in a relationship.

Communication and capacity for intimacy ... communication and deep interest in someone--are not separate.
This really resonated with me, thanks for your post. I honestly don't think the problem is low interest (I'm pretty certain about his feelings for me). But I can see it being a poor ability to be in a relationship, though. I actually recently had a chat with him and he still was saying he wasn't ready to make it official, yet couldn't articulate his reasons why, except to say he hadn't thought about where he saw us going, and he had a lot going on in his head with family drama and going back to grad school. Honestly, it was frustrating me. I wanted to understand where he was coming from and I had nothing to work with.

And preraph, thank you. He's actually been much better with keeping me in the loop when he's running late, or has to reschedule.
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:16 PM   #18
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Thanks, DrNo. Yes, it's definitely been an ongoing issue. I'm not an amazing communicator, either (I can be slow with the texts or returning calls sometimes), but I agree that if someone wanted more of my attention, I'd make a big effort to step up. He listened and apologized when I talked to him about it, and has been a little better. I didn't expect a huge change, and sometimes he slips back into old habits, but overall it's improving, very slowly.
I would watch out. I've been there too, the guy changes for a short period then jumps back to old habits. Honestly I think it boils down to level of interest.
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Old 7th March 2019, 4:50 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Lotsgoingon View Post
Just be careful about labeling the problem poor communication. Communication comes out of a context, out of motivation. I was a poor communicator when I wasn't interested in someone and when I didn't know how to interact with someone.

Communication is not some separate "thing." Frankly, three months in, I say you should assume poor communication = poor interest or poor ability to be in a relationship.

Communication and capacity for intimacy ... communication and deep interest in someone--are not separate.
This might have been true if we were talking about actual - real - communication. But most of the times in these threads, the poster in question arenít really asking for better communication but for increased quantity of texts/snaps/ims.

Excellent example of my point is Aussiboys recent thread. 40 texts back and forth per days for a month+, and yet now it sounds like the relationship is at a braking point partly because of a mutual misunderstanding. In other words: bad communication.

With that said, not letting someone know when/if you are running late is simply bad manners.
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Old 13th March 2019, 6:18 PM   #20
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Not sure how I missed the last two posts! I'veseenbetter, I'm afraid you're right. After "improving" for a few weeks, he didn't let me know when he was running late earlier this week, nor did he tell me that he had to reschedule today due to a work emergency. Both times I had to ask him what was going on for him to tell me. This has happened multiple times in the past 2 months and my patience is wearing thin. Again, I'm not sure if this is a matter of interest, as he is clearly like this with his family and friends as well, or at least, what few friends he has.

He has a lot on his plate with work, family, volunteering and church obligations and has admitted he has problems prioritizing. And now he is studying for the LSAT and plans to attend law school, which is admirable, but just one more thing that he will have to juggle.

Maleintuition, you are partly correct in that an increase in texts/calls would be nice as the relationship progresses. I think it mostly bothers me that he has a hard time locking down or making plans.

I'm planning to make one last ditch effort to make my feelings about this known (calmly, and for my own peace of mind that I did my best) and if we could work something out, because he really is a good person and is good to me when we are together. Because while i have mentioned this, I've never made my feelings known. If we can't come to any sort of compromise, then I will be ending it with him.
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