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Things with his parents may never be the same


nothingsintheflowerz

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nothingsintheflowerz

Hi everyone. I hope you are all having a wonderful Valentine's day!

 

I'm [23] and have been dating my boyfriend [29] for almost a year now. Well, I have some deep-seeded trust issues. We met on Tinder. I logged into his Tinder and saw that at the beginning of our relationship and a couple months afterward, he was sending messages to people on dating apps..though there isn't any evidence he met up with him.

 

I was LIVID. Very livid...I ended up calling him without thinking, while he was with his parents. He argued in front of them and apparently had to "defend me" to his dad for ruining their time/wasting his parents' time while they were supposed to be having family time. Apparently my reputation is ruined??

 

I'm not so concerned with the fact he was messaging other people because we have resolved that. BUT I feel *extremely* awkward in regard to his parents. I don't know how to salvage it. My mom told me that it wasn't my fault so much as my boyfriend should have made a stronger effort to remain level-headed during the conversation. But I also know that my own actions played a part in this.

 

I have bipolar disorder and thankfully am getting the help I need (finally starting therapy tomorrow for my obsessive thinking). But I'm really nervous about how I'm going to fix the image his parents have of me. Thanks so much.

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I would recommend focusing on your mental health right now. Forget everything and everyone else. That will fall into place in due time.

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When you meet the parents apologize to them for your outburst. Tell them about your diagnosis if you like & then tell them that you expect to make a better impression as they get to know you better.

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So what did BF say about the messages? Is it possible he was sending out messages to others before you guys agreed to date only each other? You neglected to tell us that important part of the story--exactly what he said in response to your call.

 

I'm not sure you didn't anything wrong.

 

Parents know in the backs of their minds (and the fronts) that their children aren't perfect and that their child may in fact be the jerk in the argument/disagreement with their partner.

 

Your bf had the option of stepping away from his parents ... and not bringing the parents into the matter at all. That was bad judgement on his part ... to get emotional in front of his parents ... That was his mistake, not yours.

 

What are you supposed to do--only register an objection when he's away from parents? That's a ridiculous standard. Do you think his parents never hard an argument with each other in front of him? Puh-lease!

 

Now ... it does seem a bit odd that you only brought up these old messages ... what ... nearly a year after he sent them? Is there a reason you went looking for these messages now as opposed to early on? ... I ask because sometimes people go hunting for such messages ... yes when they have insecurity issues ... but also when they pick up a reason for insecurity.

 

Any chance something happened with you guys that made you go look for the messages?

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I'm [23] and have been dating my boyfriend [29] for almost a year now. Well, I have some deep-seeded trust issues.

 

Then you needed to get with a therapist and work these issues out, not get with another boyfriend you can't trust. You're always going to attract the same character in a different body to you to learn the lesson you need to learn. You've attracted someone you can't trust, so that reinforces your distrust and makes it its own self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

We met on Tinder. I logged into his Tinder and saw that at the beginning of our relationship and a couple months afterward, he was sending messages to people on dating apps..though there isn't any evidence he met up with him.

 

When at the beginning did you and he have the talk to make it exclusive---where you both knew you were in a committed relationship now, as opposed to a dating/casual thing? Did these communiques happen before or after that talk?

 

.I ended up calling him without thinking, while he was with his parents. He argued in front of them and apparently had to "defend me" to his dad for ruining their time/wasting his parents' time while they were supposed to be having family time. Apparently my reputation is ruined??

 

Welp... timing... it's a thing.

 

If his dad is down on you, then I'd say you've blown it with him and possibly mom, too, depending upon how strong in her own mind and opinion she is.

 

If my daughter broke out in front of me in a knock-down drag-out over the phone with their boyfriend, it would certainly blacken my opinion of him.

 

No amount of apology would work for me because I know this is just the tip of the iceberg with them.

 

I don't know how to salvage it. My mom told me that it wasn't my fault

 

see--your mom is weighing in on this, too, in support of you. Well, his parents are going to do the same--that's natural--as natural as your mom coming to your defense. That's what we do with our children.

so much as my boyfriend should have made a stronger effort to remain level-headed during the conversation. But I also know that my own actions played a part in this.

 

Nope. If you can't remain level headed, then why should he? You're both adults here. You provoked the whole parental mess by calling him to tear him a new one. Now that his parents have come down hard against you, it's a problem? If they hadn't said anything, was how you went about this the right way to do it?

 

I think you probably would do better working with a therapist, getting your meds adjusted to keep you from doing things that destroy what your'e trying to build for your future.

 

Side note: a guy who is still on the dating app at the beginning of an involvement isn't serious about you yet. It's when you come to an agreement to be exclusive/committed to one another that that clock starts ticking.

Edited by kendahke
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nothingsintheflowerz
So what did BF say about the messages? Is it possible he was sending out messages to others before you guys agreed to date only each other? You neglected to tell us that important part of the story--exactly what he said in response to your call.<snip>

 

My bf said that he was wrong for still being on Tinder (he was sending messages months after we already had become official).

 

Thank you for your feedback. I do wish he would have remained level-headed in front of them.

 

I brought them up because I recently obtained his password and was able to log in (Bad idea, I know). I went looking for them though because I saw he was liking girls' posts on Instagram and got upset. The idea he might still be on Tinder entered my mind...

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nothingsintheflowerz
<snip>

 

When at the beginning did you and he have the talk to make it exclusive---where you both knew you were in a committed relationship now, as opposed to a dating/casual thing? Did these communiques happen before or after that talk?

 

<snip>

 

To answer your question: Yes, we were already exclusive when he was sending those messages. He was still sending messages months after we had been together. I know how exclusivity works, so I wouldn't chastise him for still dating around before he asked me out.

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You are taking all the blame for something that was not your fault

Your cheating bf is the issue here.

Forget about his parents, they are defending their cheating son, forget about him, he is a cheater and find yourself a much better guy.

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So many things you've gotten wrong, girl.

 

First, you may have deep-seated trust issues but you're making it worse by dating a cheater.

You should have moved on as soon as you saw he was still active on Tinder.

 

Second, when you called him, did you know he was with his parents?

Even if you did, he could have went to another room to talk to you or told you he would call you back.

You're not responsible for him choosing to fight with you in front of his parents.

 

You shouldn't apologize to his parents for fighting with your bf because he was cheating on you.

He should tell them he had messed up royally and anyone would be upset in your position.

They may wonder why you stayed with him though if he did something so bad.

 

So the parts where you're responsible for this are:

1) Logging onto your bf's Tinder at 3 months DOES show you have trust and boundary issues.

2) Staying with a cheater... ESPECIALLY when you have trust issues.

3) Reaming out a guy for what should have been a deal breaker instead of just leaving.

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Mrs._December
I ended up calling him without thinking, while he was with his parents. He argued in front of them and apparently had to "defend me" to his dad for ruining their time/wasting his parents' time while they were supposed to be having family time.

So you're dating a low life who lied to you and was cheating on you. Just because you didn't see actual messages on Tinder about them getting together doesn't mean they didn't make the arrangements to do so over the PHONE.

 

Secondly, what kind of fool doesn't even have the basic intelligence and good graces to take a phone call from his girlfriend in another room, instead of sitting there and letting everyone hear him arguing with you? If he lacks the basic common sense to make even simple intelligent choices like that, then why would you even want to stay with him? On TOP of that, he's a sleazy cheater.

 

I would seriously re-think wasting your time with this fool or trying to kiss up to his parents.

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To answer your question: Yes, we were already exclusive when he was sending those messages. He was still sending messages months after we had been together. I know how exclusivity works, so I wouldn't chastise him for still dating around before he asked me out.

 

 

I don't think his parents is the significant issue here. Parents only play a part once you're really going for the long haul together. At this point, your main concern should be that he was cheating on you or going to cheat on you.

 

 

If you really must focus on the parents, I don't think you did anything wrong. Given that the messages DID happen while exclusive, you had every right to do what you did. He probably lied to them and told them that you were pissed over something small and stupid, hence why they're upset with you.

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I'm sure his parents have fought before.

 

 

It sounds like he's trying to gaslight and blame you, when he's the one acting shady.

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What you're doing is the equivalent of me getting robbed on the street ... at knife point ... and then I curse at the robber ... and then afterwards instead of focusing on my own trauma (and my own life having been in danger) I feel guilty because I cursed when there were children around ... That's what you're doing here. (And in your case there were no children--there were adults around.)

 

The issue facing you is that your bf was playing around on Tinder AFTER you guys started dating exclusively. That betrayal (and it is a betrayal) is the only issue here ...

 

Somehow your insecurity finds a way that YOU are at fault here ... and that YOU need to apologize ... when you're telling us that in fact he admitted to at the very least flirting inappropriately with others ... and likely (though he didn't say so) he has cheated on you.

 

Parents don't matter ... nothing else matters other than that he apparently betrayed you ... Also, you're telling us that he was flirting in appropriately on other media as well! That's why you went on Tinder.

 

So you've got a ton of evidence ... that your man isn't being true to you. You have the right to be red-hot enraged. If you're not enraged ... if you called him and said, "oh let me call you back because he was with his parents," that would have worse. That would have shown complete lack of self-respect. Thank God, you did get angry. That's a sign of health! That was the best thing you've done.

 

Definitely consider therapy ... right now, your brain is programmed to find a way to blame yourself ... even when you are the victim in the situation. That's not healthy. A lot of us have this issue. You can unlearn this, but really it's not something one easily learns without really good therapy.

 

Please don't just keep going in the relationship as if nothing happened. But to give you a little slack, the reason you're dodging the main issue is because you might not lack the confidence to look at his betrayal straight on. That's OK if that's where you are right now ... But don't stay there. Get going on getting up the confidence to stand up for yourself in your relationships.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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nothingsintheflowerz

Thank you, everyone. I agree with the general consensus here. I do love him a lot, which makes it hard to let go...I am definitely going to try to stop blaming myself for this situation with his parents. It's so hard not to feel like the bad guy, though.

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