Jump to content

She "snaps" out of love randomly


Jchav123

Recommended Posts

Background:

Back in late November, I met a great girl who is 8 years older than me. She is in her mid 40s. It was though mutual friends and we ended up hanging out and hooking up for a few weeks but quickly turned into something much more meaningful. We both even said in the beginning we didn't want a relationship but ended up in something amazing that both of us had never been part of before. She mentioned she has never felt this way and I can see it in the way she looks at me, talks to me, talks about me to others, and acts with me. I am very much convinced she wants this relationship to last forever.

 

However she did say in the beginning that at about the 2 month mark in any relationship she tends to just fall out of love and shrug the whole thing off. She doesn't understand why but it happens every time. She doesn't want it to happen it just does. She suddenly loses interest and moves on.

 

Now:

Lo and behold around the 2 month mark she did this to me about end of January. However this time unlike previous relationships, she told me exactly what was happening and when it was happening. She cried as she did it, as she didn't want this to end like it always does. I realized the best solution was to be understanding and supportive so I did just that. I told her I still loved her and encouraged her to talk everything out even if it felt hurtful. Everything was fine again after that night. She was amazed as this had never happened before. She was in love with me even more so than ever!

 

From end of January to now we were just fine. Last night however, it happened again. Again she told me it was happening but this time she seemed indifferent about it this time instead of sad. I am not sure if I brought her back like before but she did admit she doesn't want this to end again and was very frustrated with herself more than anything. She mentioned that she just might need therapy because she doesn't know why it is this keeps happening.

 

Question:

I suspect I am fighting a losing battle but I will fight for this regardless. Does anyone have any experience with this behavior and some possible insight on why it happens to her while in relationships?

Link to post
Share on other sites
but ended up in something amazing that both of us had never been part of before. She mentioned she has never felt this way and
It is just a bunch of over emotionalism and living off the "buzz". When the buzz wears of around the 7-8 week mark,...it is time to look for a new "buzz".
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

PRW is partially right but it's also likely a deep seated fear of abandonment that causes her to withdraw. Neither are things that can't be overcome if she wants to but it isn't guaranteed and won't be easy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
PRW is partially right but it's also likely a deep seated fear of abandonment that causes her to withdraw. Neither are things that can't be overcome if she wants to but it isn't guaranteed and won't be easy.

 

I don't think I've ever heard her mention anyone who abandoned her but I'll definitely look at it from that angle and possibly ask as it does make some sense. She has since apologized for "being stupid" today and (for now at least) every thing is back to normal. I know this is going to happen again so I just want to be ready with something that might help her get through this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think I've ever heard her mention anyone who abandoned her but I'll definitely look at it from that angle and possibly ask as it does make some sense. She has since apologized for "being stupid" today and (for now at least) every thing is back to normal. I know this is going to happen again so I just want to be ready with something that might help her get through this.
I don't buy the abandonment thing. There is no indication in what you wrote that indicates that.

 

Asking about this is a lose-lose for you. I see three ways it can go:

 

1. You ask and it turns out to not be true. She is now upset that you think she is "crazy" or "broken" in some way.

 

2. You ask and it turns out to not be true. She starts to interpret past break ups as a form of "abandonment" (which really aren't) and now starts to believe she is "damaged" in some way (which she isn't). So now you are mentally and emotionally associated in her mind as the one who convinced her she is damaged. Great! Sounds like a wonderful reason to fall in love with someone.

 

3. You ask and it is true that something happened. She is now upset that you are probing into personal things that are none of your business and you are dredging up bad memories and bad emotions.

 

This whole thing as I indicated is due to two people being emotionally volatile, lacking emotional discipline, and over-reacting to the emotions they feel creating a "roller-coaster" effect. An now you want to inject negative emotions into that kind of environment? Think that through!

 

Your job as the guy she goes on a date with is to make sure that she always goes home with happy warm positive emotions,...every time,...always. She needs to feel happy and complete,...not broken and damaged.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you really want to establish this pattern, where every few months she freaks out and loses her self control? Do you want to live your life wondering if this is the month that she will walk away?

 

I imagine that reason why her other relationships have not survived past the two month mark is because the other men have not been willing to tolerate this behaviour.

 

Think seriously about this, because it’s highly unlikely that you will have a long term relationship with a woman who is not emotionally healthy. Sometimes love is just not enough... Your behaviour, while well intended, could become really enabling for this woman...

Edited by BaileyB
Link to post
Share on other sites

Nope there are just some people who don't stick around when the "thrill" "infatuation" of a new relationship drops off... the dopamine no longer releases in the brain pretty much.

 

 

 

I was like this when I was a young teenager. The first two weeks were intense, then like over night boom I was gone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Indeed, and thinking that if you just love someone enough, it may somehow “fix” the problem and convince the other person to stay in the relationship is not usually a wise idea...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I don't buy the abandonment thing. There is no indication in what you wrote that indicates that.

 

Your job as the guy she goes on a date with is to make sure that she always goes home with happy warm positive emotions,...every time,...always. She needs to feel happy and complete,...not broken and damaged.

 

You've got some good insight on that one. So far I have succeeded in being only positive. I've gotten her to change the way she handles this situation by simply asking how she feels and why. She has mentioned this is uncharted territory because things haven't gone down the same way with me than they have in the past. I feel there might be some progress to be had here and was looking for some backup in the form of experience. Thanks for your input!

 

Do you really want to establish this pattern, where every few months she freaks out and loses her self control? Do you want to live your life wondering if this is the month that she will walk away?

 

I imagine that reason why her other relationships have not survived past the two month mark is because the other men have not been willing to tolerate this behaviour.

 

Think seriously about this, because it’s highly unlikely that you will have a long term relationship with a woman who is not emotionally healthy. Sometimes love is just not enough... Your behaviour, while well intended, could become really enabling for this woman...

 

I think about this often. She has always said she just bails on them, whether or not they tolerate it. Some lash out, some just ghost, and some become obsessive after they break up. According to her though no one has taken the time to try and ask her or understand why and even she has said this is uncharted territory for her. She doesn't even know why herself. I may be losing a war here but ultimately it's a (no man left behind) mentality for me. She and I share many of the same friends so at the very least if this does end, at least I tried. But you raise very valid and great points. I seem to be making progress with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Indeed, and thinking that if you just love someone enough, it may somehow “fix” the problem and convince the other person to stay in the relationship is not usually a wise idea...

 

I tend to agree with you on that point. However in this situation she genuinely wants to stop doing this. This may ultimately lead to therapy (was even her idea). My part right now it to help her understand this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't be her therapist and support network. She won't stay with you because you're a nice and understanding guy. She needs to feel the fire and has a clear pattern (even down to a timeline) of this behaviour. Talk to other girls and let her feel the fear of losing you instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, you were only with her two months before she "fell out of love." Two months really isn't even time to know a person and know if you love them or not. So I'm suggesting that she is "in love with love" and has an "ideal of love" in her head she simply projects onto new guys, and as soon as she starts to know them a little, she realizes they are not the "ideal love guy" and "falls out of love."

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She needs to see a therapist.

Sounds like tends to have an avoidant attachment style to me.

And yes, this does have to do with a deep fear of abandonment / protecting oneself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I tend to agree with you on that point. However in this situation she genuinely wants to stop doing this. This may ultimately lead to therapy (was even her idea). My part right now it to help her understand this.

 

If it has been a longstanding problem and it is something she wants to change, why has she not previously sought therapy?

 

While I admire your dedication, this statement sounds similar to the spouse of an alcoholic... “She genuinely wants to stop drinking. It is my responsibility to help her to understand why she drinks and support her to change...” except, there are twelve step programs dedicated to this kind of very misguided and codependent thinking.

 

This is her problem to solve. You did not cause this, you can not control this, and you will not cure this.

 

She is giving you the heads up... the question is - are you going to heed her warning?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86

Dude

 

She told you from the beginning how she was.

 

You went forward and of course right on time she "falls out of love"

 

1) she don't know what love is

2) you don't either if you believe she ever loved your behind

 

And not only did she fool you once but she played you twice. Three times if you count the intial warning shot.

 

If you don't learn your lesson and leave that crazy woman alone!

Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

Some people do not stick around once the thrill of infatuation has worn off, that will last about 3 months or so when you are so excited to be with this new person. The next plateau is at the 6 month marker, then you are at the next level of the relationship, and this will remain for the next year and a half to two years. When infatuation wears off, you better like that person. Not love, just like them. And if you don't, you're in trouble.

 

That being said, this woman sounds like she doesn't want to take things beyond the level of infatuation with you or anyone else. She probably goes through other bfs and friends and work relationships like Kleenex. It's time to move on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it i time to move on from this woman, no matter how good it is.

 

If she knew she had this issue and has never went to therapy to try and fix it

that is on her, not you.

 

It is her job to fix herself, not yours.

 

i suggest you move on unless you enjoy going around the carousel every couple of months..

 

This woman is not relationship material, find someone who is as this woman will cause you nothing but pain and anguish...

 

I wish you the best

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...