Not sure about his intentions & not sure about my own intentions

[LauraXX]

Hey there, I'd appreciate your thoughts on my most recent dating experience.

 

So, met this guy on Tinder (again). He's 33, an investment banker, handsome, no kids, just moved to my city a few months ago. I'm a 40y old single mom.

 

 

He seemed very enthusiastic right away. Texting several times throughout the day. Suggested meeting for a cup of coffee one or two days after we matched (it took longer until we finally met because I was very busy that week). I'm always a bit suspicious when guys are so chatty before the first date. I just don't see the point tbh. Why not just meet first to see if there's any chemistry to begin with. But well... he seemed like a decent guy. So, we eventually met for a drink and for me - the "physical chemistry" was definitely there. Sometime during the evening I decided that I really wanted to take him home. I think I was in my early 20s when I last did that on a first date, but I haven't had sex in a while and I just really wanted to (no regrets!).

 

So ... he spent the night at my place and we had a really good time. We stayed in touch after that, but I had the feeling that he wasn't as chatty as before. He still texted me in the evenings to ask about my day, was still friendly... but not as "over the top" as before (which I prefer, but it still made me wonder). So last weekend I asked him if he wanted to hang out again. He did (and actually seemed very happy that I asked). We met the next day and it ended with us having sex again (and me spending the night as his place). I didn't hear from him all day and in the evening I sent him a short message (just about a random thing we had talked about "Hey, how was your day? So, turns out you were right about XY." He replied right away ("Day was good. Haha, I knew it.") But no question, nothing to keep the conversation flowing :/ Completely different to the way he communicated before the first date.

 

Not sure how to proceed with this. I think I would be fine with a FWB situation with him. We're just SO different that I think a serious relationship wouldn't make much sense anyway. But even FWB is something that I only want with somebody who's really into me. It's no fun if I'm the one who always has to initiate. Also, he made some comments about his best friend that irritated me. That guy is in his early 30s as well and just got married to a 44y old with two kids. And my guy was like "I don't get it... what does he see in her... she's not even a nice person AND has two kids". Almost like he forgot that I'm a 40y old single mom as well :/ (I have been told that I look younger though... but still).

 

On the other hand: When I asked him if he wanted to meet again, he was totally up for it right away. When I text him he answers within seconds. And when we are together he makes me feel like he's really into me (compliments, the way he looks at me).

 

I'd assume that if I texted him a random question right now, I would get a reply within seconds. So it's not like he's ignoring me. And I'd assume that if I asked him for a date tonight or tomorrow, he'd probably say yes as well (he IS spontaneous). But at the same time, I'm pretty sure that I won't hear from him all week if I don't initiate. But maybe that's the definition of FWB? Maybe I'm lying to myself when I say that I'd be fine with FWB but still want him to be more present in my everyday life? But is there even the slightest chance that he might be in for more or does his texting behaviour say it all? What are your thoughts on that?

[PRW]

He's 33, an investment banker, handsome, no kids, just moved to my city a few months ago. I'm a 40y old single mom.

Not saying it is his case, but many guys in their 30's, single, with no GF have the dating skills of a 17yo. Their job has nothing to do with maturity. Anyone can do a job if they have enough training, it doesn't say anything about them personally.

 

He seemed very enthusiastic right away. Texting several times throughout the day.

That is not enthusiastic, that is needy, clingy behavor. Maybe he won't always be that way, but "in the moment" that is what it is.

 

Suggested meeting for a cup of coffee

I don't recommend daytime dates that have a friend or "buddy" vibe

I'm always a bit suspicious when guys are so chatty before the first date.

Exactly my point in the first statement. You are strangers, you don't know each other, you are not BF/GF. They are often projecting a fantasy onto you and are grasping to cling onto that fantasy.

 

Sometime during the evening I decided that I really wanted to take him home. I think I was in my early 20s when I last did that on a first date, but I haven't had sex in a while and I just really wanted to (no regrets!).

I don't recommend this if you want anything meaningful. Guys will do this for fun but won't want to make it longer term, or build a family with. They will just see you as the easy fun chick that they turn to just to have a good time.

 

We stayed in touch after that, but I had the feeling that he wasn't as chatty as before. He still texted me in the evenings to ask about my day, was still friendly... but not as "over the top" as before (which I prefer, but it still made me wonder).

The fantasy faded. He is starting to look at you as "you". So the radical emotions are settling down and reaching equilibrium. His thinking is becoming more led by common sense and sober thinking rather than thinking with the "Little Guy" in his pants.

 

Not sure how to proceed with this. I think I would be fine with a FWB situation with him. We're just SO different that I think a serious relationship wouldn't make much sense anyway.

That may be the case.

 

But even FWB is something that I only want with somebody who's really into me. It's no fun if I'm the one who always has to initiate.

You won't be always initiating. But the guy isn't a sex vending machine, he's a human with thoughts feelings and emotions and those are going to fluctuate from day to day and change as he gets to know you better.

 

Also, he made some comments about his best friend that irritated me. That guy is in his early 30s as well and just got married to a 44y old with two kids. And my guy was like "I don't get it... what does he see in her... she's not even a nice person AND has two kids".

Let me translate the MansSpeak:...He's is jealous of the guy.

 

But at the same time, I'm pretty sure that I won't hear from him all week if I don't initiate....

does his texting behaviour say it all?

The phone is for setting dates and making plans. It isn't for visiting, getting to know someone, or soothing their insecurities and making them feel wanted. You are not BF/GF, you are "hook ups",...you don't owe each other anything. If you want more than that,...then admit it and reach for what you really want and do it in the proper way that is conducive to receiving such. If you act like a hook-up then a hook-up is what you get. If you want a wholesome family friendly lasting relationship then you handle it in a way that promotes that. You are going to get whatever you put into it.

 

It is hard to change something if you start out the wrong way with it. that doesn't mean it is impossible, but you would certainly make more work for yourself. It is hard to ultimately trust someone in a marriage or LTR if they were so sexually easy in the beginning. If they were easy with you, then they could be just as easy with "someone else" the first time the two get in a argument over something or some other "tough times" come along..

Edited February 13, 2019 by PRW

[fred123]

you slept with him on the first date? would you do that with a guy who you werent so into?

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote of starting post redacted

[d0nnivain]

He knows that you will give him sex so if you initiate he will show up but he's not willing to work for it.

 

if you are OK with sex only, fine. You say you want him present in your life. Not happening. There is no real friendship -- as in talking & spending non-sex time together -- in a FWB arrangement. It's kind of a hit it & quit thing. You get together, scratch an itch & both go your separate ways.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't get so hung up on a 33 year old, handsome, investment banker if I were you. He just moved to town and the world is his oyster right now. Yes, he probably is happy to have company and someone to have sex with for NOW until he meets more people. Don't get your feelings caught up on this guy or you will get hurt.

[lurker74]

If he is truly in investment banking, he's probably extremely busy. Like, 90 to 100 hours a week at times. If you just want a FWB and you like each other, just stay in contact but without worrying too much. When you both have time, you'll meet up. But if that's all you want, be clear. Either he's cool with it and will be relieved that you aren't catching feelings or he won't be cool with it and you go your separate ways.

[smackie9]

I'll keep this simple....just ask him if he would be interested in a FWB. Keep your feelings in check, and set ground rules, like being sexually exclusive but able to date others, etc. Once you make everything clear, you won't have to come here.

[some_username1]

Not saying it is his case, but many guys in their 30's, single, with no GF have the dating skills of a 17yo. Their job has nothing to do with maturity. Anyone can do a job if they have enough training, it doesn't say anything about them personally.That is not enthusiastic, that is needy, clingy behavor. Maybe he won't always be that way, but "in the moment" that is what it is.<snip>

 

"Let me translate the MansSpeak:...He's is jealous of the guy."

 

With respect I'd say exactly the same to any male friend in the same position- and it would be the opposite of jealousy! Any man in his early 30s should be looking for a woman in the prime of her youth not shacking up with a mid 40's woman with two kids to look after- leave that level of responsibility for other older dudes who have their own kids and are in the same stage of life. OP herself identified that she and this guy are at different life stages so if the guy is smart (and you would think so if he really is an investment banker) then he sees it even more acutely in his friend's situation and thinks the friend is selling himself short.

 

OP it seems to me this guy is just after a hook up that he doesn't have to put any effort into. I'd delete his number if it's important to you that he reciprocates your level of interest.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[boymommy]

If you just want FWB then why does it matter what his texting behavior is like? I personally remember after my divorce I used to analyze guys texts who wanted casual relationships (who I made the mistake of sleeping with right away) and I was trying to turn into into more then that. Huge mistake. First rule of thumb. If you want a relationship dont sleep with a guy right away..he’ll put you in the hookup category and he wont take you out. Second, a guy who is “really into you” won’t want just FWB he’ll want a REAL relationship with you. Thats a backwards way of looking at things. All my casual relationships started out with the guy being super attentive because they wanted to get me into bed. Then after they did they didnt have to try as hard or be as chatty so they stopped making as much of an effort because they knew I would sleep with them.

 

My advice is decide if you want fwb or a relationship. You have to pick your course.

[PRW]

With respect I'd say exactly the same to any male friend in the same position- and it would be the opposite of jealousy!

Don't be a busy-body. Even this guy didn't actually bother his friend by dumping that on him. He only told her this.

 

OP it seems to me this guy is just after a hook up

did you read the post? They were BOTH after a hookup,...and admitted it. She said she is fine with being just a hook up (FWB) although she sounds like she is second guessing it a bit.

[LauraXX]

did you read the post? They were BOTH after a hookup,...and admitted it. She said she is fine with being just a hook up (FWB) although she sounds like she is second guessing it a bit.

 

 

Thanks. Yes - that's the point. He definitely didn't have to talk me into it

 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with a FWB situation. My only problem is that I'm starting to second guess and not sure what to make of that and what to make of his texting behaviour.

[LauraXX]

My advice is decide if you want fwb or a relationship. You have to pick your course.

 

 

Yeah, that's what it boils down to.

[PRW]

Thanks. Yes - that's the point. He definitely didn't have to talk me into it

 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with a FWB situation. My only problem is that I'm starting to second guess and not sure what to make of that and what to make of his texting behaviour.

The second guessing IS the symptom of the problem with the concept of FWB. It is the flaw in the concept of FWB. You can't have sex with someone without it having a bonding effect (except for Sociopaths and Psychopaths). It is biological. The reason sex exists is to make babies,...it is not a weekend sport. The bonding is biologically ingrained in the process to bond the two parents together for the purpose of raising the babies that they made from the sex.

 

As far as the texting, he went from BAD to GOOD. His text habits later on were what they should have been at the beginning but you got attached to his bad texting habits at the beginning which created incorrect expectations. So when those expectations are no longer met you think "something is wrong".

 

So the bottom line are these things:

 

1. In FWB no one owes anyone squat, by definition. You get together, have fun, declare it "good", and call it a day. You make demands on each other and it all crumbles.

 

2. Texting is toxic when used for romantic feelings and purposes. The phone is for setting dates and adjusting plans,...neutral communication.

 

3. Sex will create a feeling of bonding. Deal with it. Over time denying the bonding will desensitize you to the effects. Unfortunately being desensitized to that will leave you with bonding issues to where it will become difficult to bond with anyone when it is the correct thing you should be doing. The lack of bonding and the cheapening of sex in marriage facilitates cheating because sex means nothing, sex is just sex, a "sport". So it becomes very easy to have sex with someone else if the husband ticked you off that morning somehow.

Edited February 13, 2019 by PRW

[LauraXX]

Any man in his early 30s should be looking for a woman in the prime of her youth not shacking up with a mid 40's woman with two kids to look after- leave that level of responsibility for other older dudes who have their own kids and are in the same stage of life.

 

 

Well, I don't think there's a specific type of woman a man in his early 30s should date. Nobody complains when a 50y old guy dates a 30y old woman, so it's about time that the opposite becomes socially accepted as well.

 

 

 

Also, what makes you believe that you'd have any additional level of responsibility just because you're dating somebody who has kids? They usually DO come with a father In my experience, most single moms have learned how to really "run the shop" alone and are actually more independent than most insecure 20y olds. So in my personal situation, even though I do have a kid, I don't know how that would affect a potential bf at all (she spends the majority of the week at her dad's place anyway). And I have a full time job and a good salary - I can take care of myself and my kid just fine even if her dad wasn't in the picture.

[LauraXX]

The second guessing IS the symptom of the problem with the concept of FWB. It is the flaw in the concept of FWB. You can't have sex with someone without it having a bonding effect (except for Sociopaths and Psychopaths).

 

 

Can't argue with that. And I should have known better. I've experienced that annoying bonding effect many times before

 

 

 

The phone is for setting dates and adjusting plans,...neutral communication.

 

 

I don't agree with that though. I've had a 10y long distance relationship with the father of my kid and we would have been lost without texting & talking on the phone. My most recent ex lived 2h away. Again ... would have been a frustrating six months without all the texting. And this new guy - well, he works crazy hours and I have a full time job as well. It's nice to stay in touch somehow between the dates and I don't agree that it has to be "neutral communication". How boring

 

 

Anyway... he just texted me. Told me about his day, asked me what I was up to. So, I guess we'll see where this goes....

[stillafool]

Well, I don't think there's a specific type of woman a man in his early 30s should date. Nobody complains when a 50y old guy dates a 30y old woman, so it's about time that the opposite becomes socially accepted as well.

 

 

 

Also, what makes you believe that you'd have any additional level of responsibility just because you're dating somebody who has kids? They usually DO come with a father In my experience, most single moms have learned how to really "run the shop" alone and are actually more independent than most insecure 20y olds. So in my personal situation, even though I do have a kid, I don't know how that would affect a potential bf at all (she spends the majority of the week at her dad's place anyway). And I have a full time job and a good salary - I can take care of myself and my kid just fine even if her dad wasn't in the picture.

 

I personally see nothing wrong with dating a younger man. They're hot. I think what the poster is referring to is the fact that most his age will be looking for a wife and most will want to start their own family. Also 50 year old men dating women in their 20s get a lot of flack around here.

[PRW]

Originally Posted by PRW

The phone is for setting dates and adjusting plans,...neutral communication.

I don't agree with that though.

You will eventually.

Context is important. I'm talking about the dating period, particularly at the beginning, when the relationship is trying to form. I'm not talking family, close long-time friends, or relationships that are already LTR and solidly established.

Anyway... he just texted me. Told me about his day, asked me what I was up to. So, I guess we'll see where this goes....

I hope it works out for the better.

[boymommy]

Yeah, that's what it boils down to.

 

If you want an actual relationship with this guy then I would tell him what you want. Don’t worry about being percieved as needy or clingy. If he isnt looking for the same thing you are then you can move on to someone who is. I personally have never been able to turn a casual sexual encounter into something more. Its really hard to do. I had to know I was looking for a relationship going in and play my cards right..but the guy had to be looking for a relationship as well. If he wasnt then anything I did was not going to work, no matter how charming I was.

[preraph]

Hold off on asking him over or out. Don't text him if you were the last person to text first. Just peel it back and see what he will do. That's what dating is about. See what he will do when left to his own devices. It is possible he only thinks of you as for sex and that because of that, he doesn't show a lot of initiating interest for fear of misleading you. But it's also true that he simply maybe multidating and/or busy with work and only texted a lot to get things going. Wait a bit and see what he will do or if he just lets if fizzle. If he has any interest, whether in sex or other, he'll initiate.

[Curiousroxy86]

If you are pretty sure that if you don't text him that you won't hear from him then you already know his interest level is just not there.

 

And he may be responsive but a lot of men not going to turn it down if your throwing it at him

 

If he is suppose to be just FWB to you then I don't think you should care. Get yours on your terms. However If your goal is to be desired then you should let this guy go because if anything he feels desired instead of the other way around. If feeling desired is more important to you then just let men pursue you. If you prefer something more reciprocal then initiate contact only after they intiate contact with you alternating. What you can't do is make this guy see you differently especially if he is getting what benefits him without having to do anything. And What you shouldn't do is wait for this guy to see you differently either.

 

You either continue as is and put him in the "call him up when I want it" category or let him go if that's just not the type of fwb situation you want.

 

No matter what you do with him you can always keep on dating other men and see if you can find someone that don't mind being initiating or being reciprocal with contact

[LauraXX]

I personally have never been able to turn a casual sexual encounter into something more. Its really hard to do.

 

 

I have...but that was ages ago. Two of my 3 long term relationships actually started with sex on the 1st date and just progressed naturally from there. But I was in my early 20s then and not even looking for a relationship. So I wasn't actively trying to turn a sexual encounter into a relationship - it just happened somehow. Dating in your 40s is soooo different and so confusing

[Mrs._December]

So ... he spent the night at my place and we had a really good time. We stayed in touch after that, but I had the feeling that he wasn't as chatty as before. He still texted me in the evenings to ask about my day, was still friendly... but not as "over the top" as before (which I prefer, but it still made me wonder).

Of course he wasn't as chatty. He found out he didn't have to 'work' at all to get you to like him or to impress you because you had sex with him. You fast forwarded right to the good stuff.

 

On the other hand: When I asked him if he wanted to meet again, he was totally up for it right away. When I text him he answers within seconds. And when we are together he makes me feel like he's really into me (compliments, the way he looks at me).

Well sure. He's getting sex for absolutely no effort at all. Really, the only thing this guy has to DO is return texts, throw you some compliments, and say 'yes' whenever you invite him over for sex.

 

I'd assume that if I texted him a random question right now, I would get a reply within seconds. So it's not like he's ignoring me. And I'd assume that if I asked him for a date tonight or tomorrow, he'd probably say yes as well (he IS spontaneous). But at the same time, I'm pretty sure that I won't hear from him all week if I don't initiate. But maybe that's the definition of FWB?

Maybe. But it kind of sounds more like the definition of a guy who can be as lazy as he wants because he's lucked out and has found a woman who calls him for sex and he doesn't have to do a damned thing except get in his car and go get it.

 

I'm just going to say it. I don't think men, deep down, really take a woman seriously when she's so available and makes it so incredibly easy for them without them having to make any effort at all on their parts. I really don't.

[boymommy]

I have...but that was ages ago. Two of my 3 long term relationships actually started with sex on the 1st date and just progressed naturally from there. But I was in my early 20s then and not even looking for a relationship. So I wasn't actively trying to turn a sexual encounter into a relationship - it just happened somehow. Dating in your 40s is soooo different and so confusing

 

Well sure dating is a lot different older and with kids. I am also a divorced mom with 2 young kids and I found its a lot tougher to date then when I was young and had zero baggage. When I first started dating again after my divorce there were guys who wouldnt even consider a relationship with me because I have young kids. I found divorced men with kids to be more accepting of this..although they have their own baggage too, at least they are accepting of mine. I had a rough time dating men without kids before..they basically just wanted sex and nothing else.

[frus69]

 

Let me translate the MansSpeak:...He's is jealous of the guy.

 

 

What's there to be jealous about with "marrying older woman with kids"?

 

I would actually take it as "he is not going to commit with a 40 yr old single mom" so he is at best going to be a FWB, but more likely just the benefit, no friends. So he isnt going to be present in your life unless it's convenient for him

[LauraXX]

I'm just going to say it. I don't think men, deep down, really take a woman seriously when she's so available and makes it so incredibly easy for them without them having to make any effort at all on their parts. I really don't.

 

 

Nah, I don't think that's true. A lot of guys will be like this, that's for sure. But I wouldn't want to be with any of those anyway. Somebody who happily has sex on a 1st date but loses respect for a woman who does the same? Not boyfriend material for me - I wouldn't have respect for a person who thinks like this

 

 

 

But I suppose it's a bit different here in Europe anyway. I lived in the US several years and I know that the whole "when's the right time to have sex" thing is a big deal over there. Here....not so much tbh.