allofme Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) So me and my ex had a short yet intense relationship. I was really in love with him until his insecurity drove me away and that he insisted we were too different. I broke it off and shortly after the break up, I suggested casual sex. We tried that for two to three weeks and I had to cut him off because of again his insecurity and him always trying to find faults in me. Also I felt that both of us seemed to have some unresolved feelings about the breakup. We then did 4 months of NC. He broke NC and wanted to do casual again (So we would still hang out and do stuff and sleep together). I initially said no then after another 2 months I agreed to try it cos I have moved on from him romantically. I had dated and fallen for one guy during all this time (which didn’t work out). He had also dated another girl but he said he didn’t feel romantically towards her. We are both quite comfortable with each other. I seriously have no desire to date him again. Although when I think about the breakup, it still stings only because it brings up bad memories. The attraction is ofc still there for both of us and the sex is still incredible. However I’m almost certain he has no feelings left either even tho we’ve not talked about this. He’s definitely more active in and serious about dating and settling down. And he’s trying harder than me to date. I don’t know what the plan should be. I want to continue to try to date and meet people while sleeping with my ex. Not sure if this would be a disaster in the making considering our history or if it’d be a terrible start to any dating/relationship (with another guy) Edited February 13, 2019 by allofme Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 This is just my opinion, but yeah I think its a bad idea. I am not real sure a lot of guys would like you sleeping with your ex either at the start of a relationship (although I am sure you wouldnt outright tell them that, do you really want to start a good relationship based on a lie?) I would say if really feel like you have to keep sleeping with your ex then do it until you find someone worthwhile but then immediately cut it off. But personally I think it will make you a little lazy as far as dating goes because then you’ll have your ex as your sexual backup plan and (even unconciously) that may make you discredit someone that you shouldnt have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) I don’t know what the plan should be. I want to continue to try to date and meet people while sleeping with my ex. Not sure if this would be a disaster in the making considering our history or if it’d be a terrible start to any dating/relationship (with another guy) You really need to ask ??????? l can just see the new guy now, ohhh, wonderful , and hear the wheels spinning ! Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I most certainly would never date you if you are still sleeping with your ex. I mean really, how do you think this is going to work... Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I most certainly would never date you if you are still sleeping with your ex. I mean really, how do you think this is going to work... Personally I think she’s still got unresolved feelings for the ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Terrible idea esp if you want to find someone long term. I'd be super turned off if someone I dating was still sleeping w/their ex. I would suspect unfinished business in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 This is not a wise idea at all, OP. I'm sure you don't need us to outline the reasons why. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Yea, you're basically remaining attached to the ex-bf sexually even if you don't see a future with him romantically. Having "incredible" sex with him will diminish the urge to find good sex with a new person, or to even meet new people. Then if you do find someone you like but the sex isn't mind-blowing (first sex usually isn't) what are you going to do––ditch the guy you like because the sex doesn't stack up, or keep sleeping with both. If new guy figures out you're still banging your ex (or have been until recently) he'll probably dump you, or form a low opinion and not trust you. I get it that when single and trying to date you don't want to go celebrate for months or years at a time. Of course as a woman you won't need to if you don't have moral hangups about casual sex... but it probably will interfere with finding and attaching to a new person, both the motivation to do so and congruity, regardless of whether you disclose the fact or not. That's why most people make a clean break when a relationship ends. It just make for a messy, confusing situation. As a guy, I'd avoid getting involved with a woman who's doing that, and if I didn't know but found out later the breach of trust would probably be a deal breaker. And even if new guy didn't find out, you'd be starting a new relationship with a big secret and that would have consequences too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allofme Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Yeah I was more worried about the being attached to an ex and not being 100% available to the new person. My plan was to going casual with him but as soon as I start to date someone I’ll cut tie with him. I have to admit it is very easy and comfortable to sleep with an ex when you don’t have romantic feeling anymore. And I think some of you are right about the feeling more reluctant to go out and have an open mind with new people. Now we see each other pretty much every week with some texts here and there in between. I don’t feel that I have unresolved feeling. I’m not sure. Yes it stings when I think abut what happened months ago but I don’t feel “in love” with him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 It depends. How good are you at compartmentalizing? Will you really be able to keep your feelings in check? Are you going to be able to cleanly severe all contact once you find somebody? You have to know that some guys won't understand why you did this & will be very judgmental about the whole thing. So you are also going to have to remain mum, without lying. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You should be going out and meeting new people, and doing things with your friends, not flinging with your ex. I know that this would be an issue with any new guy. Sure they don't have to know but eventually they do find out, and you could lose someone over it, or it may cause problems. It's better to have a clean slate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Terrible idea. Opportunity cost is too high. Google opportunity cost but it is basically in this context that your expended energy is finite so if you are giving it to something you don't want in the end (time, energy toward him who you don't want in the end), you prevent yourself from devoting time and energy to other people, pursuits. Add in the toxic dynamic at times and that it churns up bad memories and the bonding hormone of having sex which is much higher in women, and it is a waste of time. Going to leave you stuck and take a while to reset possibly. Hopefully if you met someone new while still participating in this, the new guy wouldn't know, but if he did or found out, you might mess up something with great potential. Sometimes you just need to be alone in order to want to get back out there to start fresh with a NEW person rather than hang onto old person for no real reason--assuming that part is true from what you said. If you have feelings for the ex, it's obviously a bad idea and if you keep spending time with them you might start to have feelings again. So, nah don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Would you want to go out with a guy who just had sex with his ex last night? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allofme Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 For me, sex on first date is off the table. And if I go on a second date with a man, it 95% means I’m interested (I’ve gone on 2 second dates in the past 2 years ... one of them being my ex). So I can defo cut tie as soon as I decides to go on a second date with someone. In terms of sex with a new guy, if I decides to sleep with someone else, I’ll stop seeing my ex. Maybe I should just stop dating for a bit since now I’m actually seriously considering keeping this casual sex going. It’s really low effort so I’m very tempted to just keep doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 A lot of people want to know how long ago it was that you were last in a relationship and if it was a clean break. Anything less than disclosing that you were recently sleeping with your ex is dishonest. A lot of people would be pretty turned off by that scenario. I mean, wouldn't you? So sleep with your ex as long as you want to, but then take a break before seeking something else out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 How will you feel if you find out he's also having sex with someone else? Or dating someone new? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I don’t feel that I have unresolved feeling. I’m not sure. Yes it stings when I think abut what happened months ago but I don’t feel “in love” with him anymore. If you think it stings now wait until your ex meets another girl he wants to date while still having casual sex with you. You said he is actively trying to date and wants to settle down. I hope you don't end up regretting your decision and are left hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 So my question is if she had a fwb while dating would you all say no no no? Or are y'all only saying no no no because it's an ex? I smell a whiff of double standard. Like men who online date....I'm pretty sure many of them have a f buddy that's nobody business but there own though want a relationship and will enter into a monogamous one with the right girl then get rid of their "friend". By the way I personally don't do fwb thing. If I am having sex it's someone who is my exclusive boyfriend only. But I know not everybody operates the same way. To answer your question op I wouldnt fwb this particular ex if he had a history of clinging to you. If you choose to eff him while date it's your prerogative. Just wrap it up and make sure he gets ghost when a suitor you want starts talking exclusivity Link to post Share on other sites
Author allofme Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 I have no problem with him dating but if he starts sleeping with someone else, this will have to stop. There won’t be any hard feelings from me. We talked about how this can work via texts briefly but I’m going to talk to him f2f this weekend to establish some ground rules. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allofme Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 I feel like logically I actually feel very put off by the idea of dating him knowing our previous fights and incompatibility, mostly stemming from the fact that he was really insecure about our diffenrences (I earn more, he thinks I’m very sociable and have more friends (tho I disagree), he was always worried that I wasn’t ready, and that he wasn’t happy with my past before he met me). Emotion-wise, it’d be ignorant of me to say I 100% wouldn’t develop feelings again cos you really never know about these kind of things. For now, I think maybe very unlikely. All I know is I do care abut him a lot and wholeheartedly hope he could find whatever he wants. I can’t describe what that feeling is but “I want nothing but for him to do well in life” is all I can say. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Well ... I'm not sure what to say about this. There are lots of people, men as well as women, who are sleeping with people that the other party doesn't know anything about. And it's just what it is. But if you want to find another relationship, as in an actual relationship, then you should not continue to sleep with your ex because it will muddy your feeling for the new person before you. And you could be missing out on a good person because of it. Fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allofme Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 I’m not sure if it’s a way for me to nurture my emotional unavailability and avoidant attachment .. Maybe I do have residual feeling but the thought of us dating again repulses me (knowing there are so many things that were wrong between us). I actually enjoy this kinda freedom. Having feelz but knowing I don’t have to put in the work and it won’t work out anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Do you think based on who you are that staying in this kind of situation would help or hinder your personal growth? I think i were to guess it would hinder it. To keep getting some portion of what you want in a roundabout way, you are avoiding dealing with your personal things. At some point if you want a healthy relationship in the future you need to open up and be vulnerable. I think if you continue this kind of stuff you can be tricking yourself for years on end that you've got stuff going on romantically when none of it really is. And it can reinforce the wrong way to go about finding love...for you. I'm really only talking about your own stuff in this post, not the right or wrong and how you each would influence and affect one another. I think for this reason alone there is good enough reason not to do it. Or at least phase out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Well if it's working for you this way and he doesn't have a problem with it that's all that matters. Carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
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